[thanksgivingmom]

Hi all....I'm finding myself at a serious loss of words, which if you "know" me is pretty rare. So here's the thing: I had my first visit with DD when she was eleven months old. I met her Mom, we exchanged email addresses and phone numbers, she gave me a beautiful bouquet of roses - all in all I think it went really well.

Since then we've exchanged emails with some regularity. Not weekly or daily or anything over board, just once in a while. I also got some pictures in the beginning of January. So far nothing's been by a "schedule" just when it happens (which is great because it's casual and which drives me crazy because I have no plan or direction!) I LOVE everything I've been given so far and am very grateful that I've been a part of thier lives, so please don't misunderstand.

BUT - and here's the really hard part for me - I would LOVE another visit. It's only been about three months, and I'm not saying I need it soon, I just wish I knew what DD's Mom's expectations were...so far everything has been me following her lead. I've sent emails to her on my own before, around Christmas, A's birthday, etc. but I've never done anything nearly as bold as ask for a visit.

I don't know how to do it! I sit at this stupid email in progress and write and rewrite the sentences over and over.

Would you be pleased if your child's firstmom asked for visits? Bothered? Worried she was trying to intrude? I don't want to do anything that would negatively affect our relationship, I guess I just want to feel like I have some ownership of the OA and am not just a passive participant waiting to hear the word "Jump" so I can ask "How high????"

Thank you!!!

[kelceesmom]

I would love my daughters bmom to want visits. I look at it this way if you ask, aren't pushy about it, what harm would she see in that. Maybe she would like you to take a little initiative? Who knows. Like they say the street goes both ways and both of you have to work on this. Good luck and I'm sure you will find the right words to ask about a visit.

[HBV]

I'm not sure what to tell you (big help, I know.)

On the one hand, I would bet that she can tell you want a visit. M rarely comes out and asks for a visit, but I always know, and then I usually offer one, even though sometimes I resent it a little.

Now, mind you, we have really a little MORE visitation than I'd like---M e-mails me several times a week, and we have a face to face about once every 4-6 weeks. DH and I both work, have active social lives and community stuff, so it's just a lot---and in our case, I often feel like I'm more of a "big sister" to M---this isn't really a relationship between equals.


And that's such a different dynamic than you have---so I think my advice would be to be straightforward about it: Hey, when it is convenient for you, I'd really love to see you and DD. I don't want you to have to initiate every contact, but I don't want to overstep, either.

Based on her reply, you may be able to ask her a follow up question about how she'd like to handle future visits so that you can get some clarity.

[thanksgivingmom]

Thanks!

Denise, I've been trying to play the "what's the worst that can happen game" with myself but it hasn't worked very well yet...but I think I'm getting closer...

HBV, the only "regular" ish communication we have right now is email, which I read a hundred times over before I send, so I don't know if she actually knows I want another visit...I'm pretty careful about sounding happy with what I've got. We don't email nearly once a week, maybe once every month. Maybe.

Also, I would never want D to resent the fact that we have a visit or feel guilted into having one, I guess that's part of my concern as well....

[kelceesmom]

Maybe if you put the question something like this: (Now mind you I have no idea how far apart you live)

I really enjoyed our last visit and was hoping to be able to get together sometime in the near future. Let me know what you think?

Or

I was going to be in the area visiting a friend in about a month. Do you think we might be able to get together for a cup of coffee or meet in the park for lunch before hand?

I know I would be nervous being in your shoes but you haven't seemed "pushy" at all. Like I stated before maybe she is also waiting for you to ask.

[Oceans]

But I agree with kelcessmom... You don't seem to be pushy or have even aproached a boundry with a 10 foot pole. Didn't your DD's mom ask you in a letter to open up the adoption? She may be walking on eggshells with this too and want more openess BUT not wanting to push you.

I like kelcessmom's suggestion:

"I was going to be in the area visiting a friend in about a month. Do you think we might be able to get together for a cup of coffee or meet in the park for lunch before hand?" Keeps it light & fluffy...

Then at the next visit you could say, "I'm so happy to have you and DD in my life. Can we always agree to be open and honest with each other no matter what. Sometimes I would like to email you (or whatever) but I worry I'm being intrusive and I don't ever want you to feel that way...." from there maybe you could start building a more open relationship so you would be comfortable asking for a schedule of sorts.

I would think it would be so much easier to have a date on the calendar (even if it's only 2ce a year). It's something to look forward too and would give you some peace of mind.

I hope you can find the words...

[loveajax]

Tmom,

I think also that it can't hurt to ask....you really have NO idea what DD's amom is thinking. Maybe she would also like to have more visits, but is worry that she is pushing you.

Maybe she would like to have fewer visits that you may like but would be willing as Oceans said to set up some sort of "schedule." Sometimes I think just knowing "the deal" makes things easier?

DD's birth mom has "suggested" that she'd like more visits. It was hard for me to say, no, but I did and I explained why (btw, this was "in addition" to what is set out in our agreement). I certainly didn't think she was being "pushy."

Good luck and keep us posted! I hate that all of these things have to be so "awkward"!!

[Tudu]

My situation is a bit different b/c we didn't go through an agency or have an agreement in place. I pushed her in the first couple of years for the sake of our daughter and now it is just wide open. SHe calls and says, "Hey, we are going shopping for Valentine's Day cards so can I swing by and pick her up?" or "I have Sunday off, what are y'all doing?" I appreciate the fact we can chat on the phone as girlfriends and she can tell me she is desperate to see her. It is funny but our dd and I will "argue" over who gets to chat first with her when she calls and our dd knows her number and calls on her own.

I would suggest being honest, "I am worried about freaking you out or upseting you but I would love to see y'all again soon." I am sure if you explain how nervous you are she will understand you are not trying to be pushy and you fear rejection. Maybe have a place and time in mind. Just in case she is weary of you intruding, assure her of your intentions.

I hope things go well for you.

[lahdh4]

Hey you. Here is what I do. We have a regular schedule for pictures which is great because I know when they are coming and I start looking forward going to my mailbox. Since it is up to me to get the ball rolling with visits I usually call her up and we play phone tag and then we talk about schedules and we make a plan.
You can even word it in an email "I was just wondering since we had such a nice time last time how about getting together for another visit." and then at that visit talk with mom and see about setting up a type of schedule that works for both of you.

[thanksgivingmom]

Thanks for the suggestions!!

I definitely want a schedule, that's really almost more of what I'm looking for than another visit...I don't know what is normal to ask for/want/expect so I'm hesitant to make a suggestion on my end.

We live fairly close, probably about 20 minutes away from each other (I know the city she lives in, not the exact location) so it's not like it needs to be a whole day committment to make it happen.

Okay, I'm gonna really try to send this email today...I'll let you know what I say!

[thanksgivingmom]

Well I did send the email. I just figured I needed to DO IT and get it over with.

I think it reads pretty well.

I'll let you know if I hear anything back!

[loveajax]

Good job, Tmom!!! Hope you hear back soon!

[browneyes0707]

Glad to see you got it out!!

Hope you hear soon!!!

[lovemy2boys]

Sending good thoughts your way! Let us know when you hear back!

[thanksgivingmom]

So it's only been about 48 hours, but no word back yet....fingers crossed I hear back sometime this week though! (I'm SOOO not good at the waiting part...)