[blessedbybug]

I've been wanting to respond to your original post for days now... so good to hear you did decide to get in contact to get this conversation started.

In our situations, YOUR original question is the one I long for. I would love to have some planning happen so that our relationship to grow, for there to be good communication throughout but also chances for all of us to know that things are well and we don't have to worry. The hard part of not having a plan on when we will have contact, is that I worry about it alot, something it feels like "all the time". Are they waiting for me to call? Or am I being too pushy? Expecting too much? Like today... I sit here wondering if I should call Roo's Mom because we talked about a possible visit in February (and it's February but only February 5) and she said she'd call but she hasn't and...and...and.. then there's Bug's family... very complicated but we have contact only through/with her Gma (not my choice but it is probably best right now, sad but true) who will answer my emails and phone calls but doesn't start anything and has said she's still not sure that contact is a good idea so then I worry that I'll push too hard and she'll stop answering... and... and... so you see, it can go both ways, I guess.

So as hard as it may seem to start the conversation, for all of you and especially for A, the conversation would be of most benefit. I would love it if I knew that K and V were wanting contact more or less. Just to know.

ANd I pray that you and A's other Mom can find some common ground in this convo and begin what could be a beautiful relationship for all of you.

SOrry I'm late chiming in but I'm excited to see how things work out for you... hoping as always!

[zempagirl]

Well I look forward to visits with our bmom and plenty of times we have just had her over because we enjoy seeing her.
In your case I would just drop and email saying that you enjoyed your last visit and was hoping that you caould have another one in the next month or so. Hopefully by you putting your foot in first your relationship can be more two way and you can initiate more contact in the future. A lot of the time as an adoptive mom I didn't want to overwhelm my bmom with contact until she told that she loves to hear from us. So maybe this really has lead to more open communication and a friendship between us.

I wish you luck!!

Deb

[kelceesmom]

TTM, I am so glad you found the courage to send the email. It was the weekend so give her a day or 2 get back in the swing of things. I'm proud of you for taking a stand for what you need out of this relationship. Good for you.

[thanksgivingmom]

Tammy, don't worry about chiming in late! I still love the advice and encouragement! Thanks so much for your thoughtful response!

And Deb, is your son's birthday 11/22/06? If so, then he's just one day older than my A!

I'm definitely going to give her until Friday before I start stressing and pulling my hair out over it

It's just that awkward nervous I completely put myself out there feeling...this is worse than dating!!

But MUCH more tolerable with all your help!

[portlowski]

hi Tmom,

if i remember correctly your adoption didn't start out as open, so I am going to cut amom a little slack...but...as an amom there are 2 things that were made crystal clear to me before entering our OA. The first is that after each visit we should discuss when we will meet again, or at least when our next e-mail or phone conversation will be. This way, the bfamily isn't left in your position wondering and stressing about when and if to contact. The second thing that was impressed upon us was to answer phone calls and e-mails promptly, even if just to say "I received your e-mail and haven't had a chance to think things through yet but I will reply to you by Friday."

I think your daughters amom just needs a little education...is there anyone who can mediate on this issue? Perhaps a trusted counselor or social worker? This is pretty basic OA stuff and ultimately it helps the aparent feel "in control" (sorry if that sounds icky in this context but aparents can take awhile before they stop feeling threatened by your connection to your child)while taking some of the anxiety of not knowing away from the bparent.

I hope you receive a reply soon.

[thanksgivingmom]

Portlowski - the adoption didn't start out as open because I wasn't planning on an OA. DD's Mom was the one that requested that it be open, was the one to suggest visits in the first place, etc. So, if I'm being completely honest, while I understand that perhaps she needs some sort of education, it was her idea and her decision. She convinced me to participate. And I had NO education on OA (nor was I offered any by the agency post placement). So now I roam these boards absorbing as much information as I can and learning from others' experiences.

I really like your suggestions about the two things that should be done after a visit. I think if those two things happened I would feel so much better and have much less anxiety going into each communication!

For the first eleven months we worked through a social worker, using her as mediation. I believe that D sees her as a trusted social worker, however I've always felt that the social worker was really advocating for D, and that I didn't have anyone at the agency that was advocating for me, so I'm not as trusting. (Again, just being completely honest).

I might be digressing off the original topic, but since it was my original topic I'll say that's okay I think part of my issue with the "control" thing is that from day one I have been trying to reassure D of her role as A's Mom - from sending her a card on our first Mother's Day (with no response), to always referring to her as the Mom, I mean everything I can think of! And at some point, it's just too hard for me to take on that responsibility. I made her a Mom, but I can't take on the job of reassuring her of it. It's become too hard.

[lotsa_love_2give]

I hope it goes well for you!

We are in a semi-OA. Our bmom likes very private and we respect that. I admire your braveness and courage in asking to see her again.

On the issue of you reassuring her, I kinda understand how that must feel. It seems you are go extents to make her feel assured.

[Vogi2002]

TTM - hope you get an answer soon!!

FWIW - I also long for a question just like yours from our child's bparents. A concise...this is what we want...let's plan it...kind of plan.

[thanksgivingmom]

Thanks Vogi! And I really hope you get that too! (((hugs!)))

[kelceesmom]

I hope you hear something back fairly soon. I know the wait is making you crazy.

[portlowski]

Hi Tmom,

I think part of my issue with the "control" thing is that from day one I have been trying to reassure D of her role as A's Mom - from sending her a card on our first Mother's Day (with no response), to always referring to her as the Mom, I mean everything I can think of! And at some point, it's just too hard for me to take on that responsibility. I made her a Mom, but I can't take on the job of reassuring her of it. It's become too hard

Bless you for understanding where the amom is coming from...but as you said, it is not your job to reassure her.

In my case, we were in an open adoption with no parameters and I was overwhelmed at first. I needed to feel a sense of control over the visits becasue I was feeling very guilty for parenting when the bfamily was grieving. Their reassurance really did help me A LOT. It wasn't their job, but by giving me permission, they gave me confidence and then I felt better and better about openness.

Since your adoption didn't start out as open, maybe you could eventually suggest a meeting with the counselor for the agency (to advocate for bmom) and a counselor of your choosing who specializes in bparents issues to advocate for you. You could pose the meeting not as an adversarial process, but as a way to clarify things for all of you. A way to "get on the same page" and set a precedent for how to communicate in the future. Myabe an opportunity to create your own OA agreement. It is sometimes hard to navigate OA on your own. Maybe you don't do this right away, but suggest it and let amom take her time to think about it.

You are clearly so thoughtful and respectful, I hope amom can continue to move toward open communication with you. You deserve it.

[ourdreamcametru]

I'm an adoptive mom in an open adoption and wanted to tell you that I think it's great that you sent the email and you have every right to ask for more. I just wanted to say that with our daughter's bmom we originally said once a year for our daughter's birthday and that was great. We emailed with bmom and sent cards, updates and pictures inbetween. Then she ask if we would come to her granny's funeral and of course we said yes because we loved her granny very much and I had talked to her more than bmom. Then bmom had a dollhouse from her childhood she wanted to give our daughter and wanted us to come pick it up. This goes on and on and now we are at a point that after 5 visits in less than 6 months we are going to have to put a stop to it because bmom is now buying clothes where she works and wanting us to meet to get them. Don't get me wrong I love that she wants a relationship BUT it's starting to be a monthly or more thing and interrupting our lives. Just besure that you don't get so comfortable that you intrude and cause a strain on the relationship. Good luck, waiting to see if you get a response!

[thanksgivingmom]

So yes, the wait IS making me crazy.

Thanks for all you're input!

I would never try to become this constant every week/month/whatever fixture in thier lives (unless it eventually grew to a point where that's what D was comfortable with and was encouraging). It's mostly just that I want to know what to expect and what not to expect.

Anyway, the last couple emails I've gotten from D have been sent in the late morning (emailing from work perhaps? who would DO that? Certainly not ME!! haha) so I get especially ancy during this time...CONSTANTLY checking email!

Anyone have extra chill pills? haha

[loveajax]

Tmom, I'm sorry you are on pins and needles. I hate that. I am sure she's just processing her thoughts...I hope that you get a good response soon!

[kelceesmom]

Keeping busy will help pass the time.