[loveajax]

lately I feel like DD's birth mom is constantly doing this "sibling comparison" thing. for example, she emailed me a pic of DD as a newborn and a pic of her (almost one year old) DD as a newborn and said, "Can you tell them apart?" Also, every time I talk about a developmental milestone, she will say older DD did that right then too. It's weird. I appreciate the info, but I feel like she thinks everything is "preordained." Or that DD has to be so much alike her siblings (which, heck we all know siblings can be very much like or totally different even when they are raised together).

Does this happen with anyone else? It just makes me feel really uneasy sometimes. I sometimes wish she would just focus as much on the "uniqueness" of DD. (just as her two girls are unique as well).

[HappyTwinsMom]

Our girls' birthmom has compared their appearance to the older daughter (half-sib) she's parenting. I've put their pictures side-by-side many times and see a very slight resemblance, but not the remarkable likeness she seems to see. When I mention something the girls are going or learning, she says "Yes, S did this or that at the same age" (S is only 9 months older). She also seems to feel a need to "brag" (for want of a better term) about how smart and beautiful and everything S is. Don't get me wrong, I like to brag on my babies, too - so I certainly don't begrudge her that. I tend to think it's just a coping mechanism - finding a resemblance to the child she's raising, comparing their accomplishments. Maybe it helps to make her more confident of the choice she made to place the twins????

[loveajax]

happy,this is a relatively new development, so i wonder if it is part of coming to terms with the adoption as you say. the weird thing is that imo my dd is sooooo much more like her older sister but dd's birth mom seems really focused on the similarities with her younger dd (i don't see it). i have always told dd's birth parents that we think they are great parents (they are) so yeah this almost feels like competitive which is weird to me....i'm glad i'm not alone!

[thanksgivingmom]

I'm not parenting other children, but I know that some of the pics I have of DD look so much like me (I think) but I'm not sure if her Mom sees it. When we met the first time it was very surreal, and the only way I could understand the reality of who she was, was to see those connections.

DD got her teeth VERY late, my baby teeth didn't want to fall out and so I thought maybe there was something genetic there, which I shared.

DD's eyes started to turn, I shared that mine change colors.

I told D (A's Mom) when I started to do things in relation to when DD had done them...perhaps I would have been the same if I was parenting another child.

For me, I think it's about connecting in some way. It was almost like I had to remind myself that this was the baby that I had given birth to (which I understand might sound completely ridiculous, but like I said, it was very surreal for me).

Not sure if any of this relates to what either of you DD's firstmoms are going through, but just sharing some of my experiences in a similar but different situation.

[loveajax]

Thank you, Tmom. That definitely makes sense to me. I do like hearing about the girls and their developments, likes, dislikes, etc. (I love them, especially older DD whom I know "better" of course). I am thrilled to have pictures of them too.

I am thinking that alot of emotions about the adoption came to the forefront for DD's birth mom when she gave birth to her DD. I think she has worked really hard on processing them, etc. As you say that, I realize that before her DD was born, she did not ask that much about our DD....so this may be a way to see and feel more connections.

My own unease may stem from feeling "sorry" that DD may never be raised with a sibling. Maybe that's where a lot of this is coming from (my own baggage!).

[SchmennaLeigh]

They probably make her feel more at peace. Nicholas does quite a few things that Munchkin did that, for example, JD did not do. One thing in specific is that, at this developmental age, Munchkin would line all of her toys up in a row when playing with them. Nick does that as well. JD, however, did not. D and I laugh about the similarities.

I think it's normal to make comparisons. I see similarities already between Parker and Nick. I don't want Parker to be Nick. I don't want Nick to be Munchkin. But it's fun when there are connections... despite distance.

[bajj]

I have only heard a few things that ds does like one of his older bros. I personally love hearing it, though. He and the one closest in age to him are both rather mischievous little blessings!

[startedover]

loveajax, you are feeling something totally normal in my opinion, but let me assure you, mothers compare children all the time. Although I think part of it is a connection they want to feel, alot of it is just what every mom does. When I raised my bio 18 year old I would say to my best friend (who had not blood ties with my child) "K just took her first step" and she would say, "my son did that at that age" and so on and so on. I think mom's just like to talk about what their babies accomplish and a perfect "lead" into that is when someone says what their baby did. And as for not raising you child with a sibling I am struggling with that issue myself as my other two children are quite a bit older. First you never know what is planned for you and second "only" children are not deprived. It took me a long time to get past thinking I was cheating my adopted daughter out of something. We just make up for the absents of siblings by making sure she has play groups and such.

[loveajax]

Thank you, guys. It is definitely fun to see connections. I remember when we first met DD's older sister, she was riding a tricycle (she was about DD's age now), fell off HARD, scraped her face, got up, laughed and kept going. I LOVED that. And DD gets all these bumps and bruises that we never know about cuz she is also a tough broad!

Startedover, I'm glad I'm not the only one who worries about an "only" child (though I know yours is just the "youngest"). It's something I am trying to deal with right now (very indecisive!!!). I also agree that people compare kids all over the place (it drives me crazy with my girlfriends sometimes!).

[thanksgivingmom]

Love, my DD is an only child, and her Mom told me she will most likely remain that way. I was totally fine with her being an only child, despite the fact that all I've ever known was a huge family (I have 7 sibs).

Then she asked if I was planning on having (and parenting) children. I told her that I was and she was so excited that A would have half-siblings. I hope that your DD's bfamily opens up that sibling relationship so that she can continue to know the bsibs that she does have.

[loveajax]

Thank you, Tmom. I hope so too.

This is funny. DH recently "located" his birth mom so I of course was a madwoman on the internet trying to see pictures of her (there is one v. small grainy one!). But I did get a great pic of his half brother...and I was cracking up because it looks like someone morphed DH and Alec Baldwin into one person! Anyway, as I was reading this guy's bio, my mouth dropped...he and DH are seemingly so similar in interests, etc. (they even went to the same HS, played the same sports, etc!). So I want DD to be able to "see" that as she grows up as well.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by loveajax

lately I feel like DD's birth mom is constantly doing this "sibling comparison" thing. for example, she emailed me a pic of DD as a newborn and a pic of her (almost one year old) DD as a newborn and said, "Can you tell them apart?" Also, every time I talk about a developmental milestone, she will say older DD did that right then too. It's weird. I appreciate the info, but I feel like she thinks everything is "preordained." Or that DD has to be so much alike her siblings (which, heck we all know siblings can be very much like or totally different even when they are raised together).

Does this happen with anyone else? It just makes me feel really uneasy sometimes. I sometimes wish she would just focus as much on the "uniqueness" of DD. (just as her two girls are unique as well).

It is is her way keep them connected in her mind. To keep more of an attachment. Also, to allow herself to know that she is good enough. Part of relinquishing a child, no matter how much threapy the bmom gets, she often feels inferior, not as good as the aparents. Because if she had been good enough she wouldn't have had to give up a child.

A good response would be, "well after all they are related".

A good many things are genetic and inherited. But even among siblings they walk at different times, like different foods.

We all know that the milestones could be the same as the child next door.

That is not to say they will not have many things in common, they will.

[loveajax]

Scarlet, I know my DD's birth mom struggles with self confidence issues (heck, so do I) so I hear you on that point. It makes me really sad though to think that she would question herself as a parent, cuz I think she's great.

[SamIAm2]

Gawd I love this board!! Everytime I feel like I'm alone in dealing with something, I read here and find out that I'm not alone.

Nat's bmom has been doing a lot of comparisons lately and it's really been bothering me. She mostly talks about how much Nat looks EXACTLY like her bio-brother, who is only 14 months older than Nat. She tells me that all her friends think they look like twins when she shows them pics. Of course, I know that she always prefaces the picture show with "don't they look just like twins!"

I honestly don't see the "twin" thing. I tell her that they surely look like siblings, but I see some differences too. But she persist to the pont that I wonder if she's trying to hurt my feeling and remind me that she is adopted. Lately, this is brought up at least once per week!! She tells me that Nat is the "girl version of bio-brother".

Although, of course, I'm aware that my daughter is adopted...that is not my focus. When I look at her, I see my daughter...my baby...my little girl! I don't look at her and always see bmom, bdad, or bio-brother. And I see so many unique things about Nat that are all her own.

Thanks for letting me vent...and letting me know that I am not alone.

[SamIAm2]

I also wanted to add that Nat's bmom never ever did this until after finalization. During the 20 months leading up to the finalization she hardly ever even acknowledged them being siblings at all. But now....it's ALL the time.