[zempagirl]

Hi everyone!

I am seeking advice as our birthmom has told us that she having another baby in May. Our son just turned 14 months and I am wondering if anyone has had this experience in an open adoption with your birthmom having 2 children close in age. She is with the father and they are planning on keeping this baby. I know her circumstances this time around are very different. What and how would you try to start explaining this to your child. Right away since he won't even be 2 when the baby is born. Do I identify the baby as his brother or sister? Any advise on this matter would very much appreaciated.

Thanks
Deb

[HBV]

We are going through this right now. H (our son) is 26 months, and his new half sister is about 2 1/2 weeks old.

We have a really open adoption w/ M and her family, and M is trying to parent this child. Ultimately, I'm not sure that's going to be a workable arrangement, and H is frankly too little to recognize the baby as anything but a baby, so for now, I am talking about M, he has seen her while she was pregnant, and we talked about M having a baby in her tummy.

He just does not get it right now, and I don't expect him to for a while, so for now we are calling the baby by her name, mentioning her in night time prayers, and I'm planning to expand the explanation as he gets older. What I say to him is probably going to depend in large part on whether his sister is going to be involved in his life----I think there's a fair chance that she may wind up being placed with another family either voluntarily or not. I'm not sure how far down the road I want to go w/ encouraging attachments at this point.

[loveajax]

Deb, my DD's birth mom told me when DD was about 18 mos old that she was pg again and due in a couple of months (so DD and her birth sister are about 20 mos apart). (DD's birth parents also parent an older child). So DD has an older and younger full bio sisters parented by her birth parents.

Although I consider them all sisters, I really have just been talking to DD about her birth mom and dad, their names and then their daughters and their names. We are in a fairly open adoption, but DD's birth mom has decided she is not ready to tell her children that DD is her daughter/ is adopted, etc. So I am not sure what kind of relationship DD will have with them either (which is why I am hesitant to talk about "sisters"...maybe I should, but something is holding me back).

I "worry" sometimes about trying to explain to DD about why her birth parents were able to parent her older and younger sisters, but as you said, the circumstances with DD were different, etc. and hopefully she will be able to understand that too.

I do think you are right...honesty is best...Even though your DS won't understand, it may help you to feel comfortable just talking about it! Good luck!

[SchmennaLeigh]

The Munchkin was 23 months when Nick was born. I was married and my circumstances had definitely changed. She does refer, on her own because of how her parents have handled the topic, to Nick (and Parker) as her brother(s). She isn't confused in the least.

[Emster]

Same situation here. When baby is born, Woob will be 22 mos (we hope she hangs on that long!). I know that N. and I were able to at least start talking about it. We both wonder how to explain to him why she didn't feel she could parent him while just such a short time later she will parent this one. We haven't concluded anything, but I think there's such value in keeping that discussion going. And we already refer to Newbaby as Woob's sister.

[zempagirl]

Thanks for the advice. We have a very open adoption with our birthmom, so I think that it will very interesting to see how things will develope. She is not very excited about being pregnant right now- she is scared to be a mom. Her boyfriend is very excited about the pregnancy and supportative, so hopefully she will remain open and honest with us so that we can be there for Aiden to explain things as he gets older.

[aspenhall]

Our dd's bmom placed A with us and KEPT her 2 youngest, then went on to give birth to another baby that next summer, and at Christmas she abandoned them (along with her husband) in the middle of the night. They heard from her 2 months later by divorce papers. Then about 16 months later She gave birth to a baby girl and as far as I know, she kept her. But since a month after the birth we haven't heard anything...so I couldn't be sure.

DD is NOT confused. She wasn't confused when bmom kept the boys and placed her.

The situation wasn't different...and as much as it hurts to know, bmom's motives WERE child based in part. She understands that S didn't have what it took to raise her, so she found us. And later decided that she really didn't want to be a parent at all. With this new sister, we reacted as "YAY! We hope she can finally do it this time!" And dd has responded the same way with the caveat that if not, she hopes that S will think about letting her be part of this family.

She understands people change and go through all sorts of stuff. She also realizes what S told us, that S didn't have the skills to raise A. Plain and simple. Has nothing to do with her love for her, or A's behaviors...she was simply too smart and S couldn't keep up. (the truth)

A believes that babies are easier for S to parent for some reason, and as her brothers got older, S wasn't able to parent them either.

My dd's situation is as complicated as it gets I think. The truth in S's own words is every kid's nightmare.
"I'm giving her to you because I just can't handle her bad behaviors anymore."

Talk about HARD to spin THAT so A didn't internalize the responsibility for S's choice!!!!!

My point is, that kids will understand if you can communicate with them and catch any miscommunication, or conjecture and assumptions.

A refers to her brothers as "My brothers who don't live with me"

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by zempagirl

Hi everyone!

I am seeking advice as our birthmom has told us that she having another baby in May. Our son just turned 14 months and I am wondering if anyone has had this experience in an open adoption with your birthmom having 2 children close in age. She is with the father and they are planning on keeping this baby. I know her circumstances this time around are very different. What and how would you try to start explaining this to your child. Right away since he won't even be 2 when the baby is born. Do I identify the baby as his brother or sister? Any advise on this matter would very much appreaciated.

Thanks
Deb

Both my children have siblings parented by their first families. Roo has a brother. Bug has two sisters. We treat their siblings as just that, siblings. They live in other homes, but they are still brothers and sisters. We acknowledge them always in their lives. Right now, at their ages, there is nothing confusing about this to them. I am sure the questions will come as they get older and wonder why they were placed and their siblings weren't. I won't go into the reasons here as they are personal, but we will tell them in age appropriate ways as the time comes.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by aspenhall

A refers to her brothers as "My brothers who don't live with me"

This is how we talk to Bug about her sisters. Right now, that's enough for her.

[thanksgivingmom]

My DD's Mom told me she didn't plan on being able to adopt any more children and asked me if I planned to have (and parent) more children...I said that I always dreamt of having a large family and lots of children. She said she was very pleased because DD would have siblings.

I was so pleased that out of nowhere DD's Mom referred to my future children as her sibs.

[zempagirl]

Thanks for all the advise. I think I will be very open and honest with explaining this. I am happy that I have a very open adoption with his birthmom and hopefully they will know another as they grow up. Its a real blessing

[McNally720]

Thanks for this thread, ladies! We just found out that Meg's birthmom is expecting. She hasn't told us what her plan is--she's parenting Meg's older brother, which will make Meg a middle child of sorts. Since we have an open relationship, this baby will be a part of our lives one way or another--hubby and I have talked about how it might "look" to Meg as she gets older if J parents this new baby. But I think it's better she meets and knows her siblings as a child and grow up with them, rather than not know. The whole "siblings who don't live with me" is probably the approach we'll take.

[Emster]

Michelle--we need to keep in touch as everything develops with our ever-growing "extended families". (loved your blog post this morning, by the way!)

[irvy]

I have a funny story for this situation. My 4 yo daughter is our first child and her bmom has a daughter about 18 mo older, a son 2 years younger and she just had a baby in November. My daughter and her older sister have always referred to each other as "sissy." When her C. had her son when my daughter was 2 we decided not to call him her brother at the time because we were in the "waiting" period and were praying each night for a brother or sister to come to us, I didn't want that confusion for her at 2 years old. After we were placed with our son we started referring to C.'s son as her brother and it never was an issue. So - given that background on with my funny story.

Savannah was very involved with our son's birthmom and loves her dearly - we have the sweetest picture of her kissing her brother goodbye before A. left one night. She knew that her brother was growing in A's tummy and she was very aware of us going to the hospital when he was born and bringing him home with us.

So - when C. delivered her new baby girl I took Savannah with me to the hospital to see them. I told her that this new baby was her sister just like Sissy. We get to the hospital and Savannah was so sweet with the new baby and loved on her and held her gently - she snuggled up with C. and gave her hugs and kisses. Then when we were getting ready to go she said, "Mommy, that's my baby we're going to take her home." I said "No baby - that's C.'s baby - she's going to go home with her." She said, "But you said she's my sister." "I know I did - but she's going to live with C. just like Sissy and Ch." She then said, "Oh, okay."

It cracked me up because to her it was just the way things worked - I told her it was her sister and we went to the hospital - isn't that the way that families are formed? She readily accepted the alternative but I was impressed with her thought processes. C. laughed about it and said - "She so smart!"

[Tudu]

My dd is #3 of 4 girls. The youngest is 364 days younger than she is and they are 2 peas in a pod. The oldest and youngest (b/c #2 was placed with a family member) spend the night together several times a year. As a matter of fact the little boogers were just here this past Sunday and kept me up most of the night giggling about their My Little Pony. Check out the photo of their profiles, they look so much alike in IRL.

http://i145.photobucket.com/albums/r...EmandGrace.jpg