[Roosmama]

Earlier this week I read a somewhat negative article on adoption that mentioned a trend toward changing the terminology away from "birth mothers" and instead using terms like first mother, natural mother, etc. Coincidentally, I received an e-mail today from DS's birth mother saying that she's been participating in various forums and chatrooms with other birth mothers and would now prefer to be called DS's "natural mother," although she would also settle for first mother, but no longer wants to be called his "birth mother." This bothers me, not because I want to bicker about the label but because most of the discussion surrounding the terminology puts adoption in such a negative light. I have to wonder if all of the forums and chatrooms in which she's participating are making her regret her decision. There's SO MUCH negative information out there - about how birth mothers have been coerced into bad decisions, how they should fight to reclaim their position in their children's lives, etc. I don't want our relationship to be adversarial, but I'm feeling on the defensive right now. I haven't replied to her yet, and probably won't for several days until I figure out how to respond correctly. I think it would be awful if she's involved with some groups that are making her feel badly about her decision. There's something personal here, too, b/c if she wants to be known as DS's "natural mother," doesn't that make me his "unnatural mother"? I know I'm overreacting a bit, but I really hate the whole politically correct mentality invading such a deeply personal arena as my relationship with my DS and his birth mother. We do have an open relationship - DS is two, and we've seen her about 4x/yr since he was born. But it's not open enough to have a really honest discussion with her about where this is coming from. Has anyone else had to deal with this? Am I being completely irrational?

[Mommy24]

Roosmama~ *sigh* I can tell you from my own POV as a First mom that I do not like Birth Mom either. It has nothing to do with regret about placing and ALOT to do with how Birth Mom makes me feel as a person.

I did far more than give BIRTH. I was his FIRST mom, no one can take that away from me. The term natural doesn't work for me personally as I can see how that would make the a-mom feel un-natural.

I settled for birth mom for years because that is what I was told that I was. It wasn't until I became a member of A.com that I realized "I did more than give birth to my child, I made a parental decision out of pure love for him as well. I nurtured him for 9 months in my womb, I kept my self healthy so he could have the best start in life"

Birth mom sounds like I was nothing more than an incubator and I wasn't. So don't take it as a "slam" to who you are, you are mom. She is probably just educating herself and finding her way in this long journey we call adoption.

Best of luck to you!

[bajj]

I'm not fond of the term natural just because it does make one sound a bit less natural. However, I can see a person's point, when they did naturally have the child. It doesn't make me any less natural than they are. Just because one says natural doesn't mean I am fake or less real or anything.

BUT, my son did think that when someone asked me (in front of him) if I were going to have any natural kids. I said, "I have 2." They said, "no, you know what I mean, real kids." DS looked at me and said, "am I fake or not natural or something?"

Sooo, I got to have a talk with him about educating people who aren't aware of adoption and terminology.

I agree with mommy24, she is probably just educating herself and realizing how birthmom can really feel like being called an incubator.

I never actually thought of the term that way, but then, I'm not a First Mother. When I hear birthmother, I think of someone who loved her child enough to nurture him, to find parents, to place him, to always pray for him, to always hold him in her heart. However, I would NEVER want to offend my children's first mothers, so if they told me they were uncomfy with Bmom, I'd stop using it.

I hope this isn't too much rambling and makes some sense!

[RavenSong]

As far as political correctness goes, the term "birthmother" was created sometime in the early 1980s by the adoption industry in an effort to appease adoptive parents' objections to the term "natural mother". The term "natural mother" was in use for a long, long time before "birthmother", not vice versa...

When I surrendered my son for adoption in 1972, I was referred to as his "natural mother" in the legal relinquishment papers I signed for the County of San Diego's Department of Social Services. (It's right there in black and white on my copy!) "Natural mother" was also the term that every social worker from that era used.

I don't think that "natural mother" has anything to do with society considering the adoptive mother to be "unnatural". An analogy would be this: Many women choose to deliver their babies using some form of pain medication or local anesthesia. Does this mean that they've undergone "unnatural childbirth" just because they opted not to go for "natural"? The term "natural mother" is merely used to denote the "nature" or biological aspect of birth.

When the county adoption agency contacted me in the middle-1980s to request I update my medical history, they addressed me for the first time as DS's "birthmother". And I was totally shocked! It felt like I was considered to be some type of mechanical incubator or something. It just didn't feel right. But I played along with the change in terminology with the agency, adoptive parents and DS, himself. God knows, I didn't want to offend anybody...I didn't want to do anything that would lessen my chance of reunion. I do still use the term mainly here on the forums, but I'm not fond of it. It just reminds me too much of The Handmaid's Tale or something.

The one terminology change I never accepted or adapted to is "birthson". DS is not my birthson, he is my son. I may not be his mother in the world's eyes, and that's fine. But one thing I know in the deepest part of of my soul is that HE is my son.

PS: Please don't take offense at your son's bmom for asking you to use the term "natural mother". She just wants to feel better about herself, IMHO.

[loveajax]

I personally hate the term "natural mother." If DD's birth mom referred to herself as that, then that is certainly her perogative, but as a parent, you are entitled to use whatever terms you want. I personally do not use the term "first" or "natural" mother (nor does my DD's birth mom). If you are not comfortable using the term "natural mother" with your child, I would tell your child's birth mom that and say you respect her immensely, etc. but that's your call. Frankly, I think it was rude of her to send an email like that without talking to you about it.

PS: I just wanted to add that the fact that your child's birth mom wishes to be referred to as his natural mother does not mean she is necessarily regretting her decision. And if she is, then you don't have any responsiblility for dealing with that except of course to be empathetic. I can't imagine that there are many birth moms that don't regret these decisions, because of course it is horribly difficult. I also wanted to say that I WOULD have an honest discussion with your son's birth mom about her feelings, etc. because you ARE in an open adoption relationship....and having these kinds of things happen without discussion is not healthy for you or your kid. I think maybe you could say that you do not view your child's birth mom as a "vessel" for merely giving birth to him or whatever, but say why you have chosen to use the terms that you do. At the end of the day, imo, it is all about respect all around.

[Roosmama]

Thanks so much for your posts. I think I still have some resentment issues to deal with b/c DS's birthmom wasn't completely honest with us through her pregnancy. She tested positive for marijuana use the day DS was born, even though she said she hadn't done any drugs after she found out she was pregnant. DS also suffered severe niccotine withdrawals for the first several days after he was born b/c his birth mother didn't even try to quit smoking. If I'm completely honest, part of me feels like she's trying to take a title that she really doesn't deserve. I know that sounds awful. She does love him, and she made an adoption plan for him out of love, and I have nothing but respect for her for doing that. But I find myself chafing at the idea of having to call her by a title that essentially undermines my position in DS's life. I can see where the term birth mother originated, b/c it really is more politially correct for the adoptive family. So maybe it isn't fair or right. But there doesn't appear to be any other termology that puts us both on a level playing field. I want her to feel good about herself and her decision. But should I do that at the expense of how I feel about myself as DS's mom? It's stupid that changing titles would affect how I view myself. But there it is. And therein lies the crux of the matter, I suppose.

One other issue is that by default, DS's birth mother has also started calling his birth father his "natural father." The guy only just this week admitted to being his birth father (he signed off on the papers just to get the issue out of the way), and is completely irresponsible and an alcoholic. While I honor and respect DS's birth mother for everything she went through in her pregnancy and all of the love she has for DS, I have a really hard time considering DS's birth father as anything other than the birth father. To consider him DS's natural father or first father does not sit well with me AT ALL.

Sorry for the negative post. I'm having a really hard time with this.

[loveajax]

Roosmama, you are entitled to your feelings no matter what. I would probably "chafe" if that happened to me too (and DD"s birth mom was completely healthy and wonderful and has never done anything but be loving and kind). I guess I would ask her too in what contexts she wants to be referred to as "natural mother"....I mean, I never have a convo with DD's birth mom where I use the term "birth mom," kwim? And if it is a term that she wants you to use with DS and you are uncomfortable with that, that's ultimately a parenting call. Hopefully, you can have a discussion with her about this stuff and both be OK with everything.

Btw, I wanted to add that I actually think it is good that she is finding support, finding a "voice," etc. and my posts are not intended to say that there is anything wrong with what she wants. I sometimes wish DD's birth mom had more support (online or whatever) and would be more assertive about stuff.

GOOD LUCK!

[lonni]

I try to honor what Mother's of loss want to be called. Our son's mom does not like birthmother, but my naturalmom LOVES it!! I use naturalmom myself or just mother. It does not take away from my role.
Gee, they get so very little as it is ,IMO.

[browneyes0707]

Honestly, I'm just not that caught up in titles. I use birthmother here, it's just the first thing I thought of, in this day and age it's what most people refer to me as. DD's a-mom calls my ex and I "DD's birthparents" and I'm OK with it. BUT this is because I (and I only speak for myself) know that a-mom has respect for me and my role. I know that she sees me as more than an "incubator". I know she sees me as someone who made a tough choice in love to not parent my child, she has acknowledged that numerous times. And I think that that is what it comes down to for ME how I may percieve my role and how she percieves my understanding of it. I could be very wrong, but I'm not a big "PC title" person to begin with.

It's no different IMO that certain racial groups asking to be referred to in a more PC light. They are not saying necessarily that they PERSONALLY have been treated negatively or that you SPECIFICALLY have treated them wrong, but that they are educating themselves as a group and want to work towards a better understanding and level of respect within society. Society as a whole does tend to paint birthmothers in a negative light, all she may be trying to do, as some others have said, is to adopt a title that may give her a better sense of self esteem. It may have nothing to do with you or how well she is feeling about the adoption itself. Even the most well adjusted feel negatively about themselves after placing a child, it's par for the course.

I guess what I'm trying to say is don't take it personally. But if it bothers you, maybe open a dialogue about it and see exactly what the story is so you could can come to a mutal understanding.

Good luck!

PS: Interestingly enough, the only word I DO take issue with it "real". Real to me is disrespectful to DD's a-mom and her role in DD's life, she is no less real than me. I know DD has used the word, and I was kind of dismayed to learn she picked that up. But I understand in her case, she probably used it because she picked it up from someone who uses that terminology, and wasn't reading into the meaning.

[BrandyHagz]

Respectful language is required on this forum! Calling another member of the triad a "sperm donor" will never be allowed here.

Please remember that respectful participation is required.

[lahdh4]

She is probably learning and found that this is what she is comfortable with. I use birth mom while I am on the forums and such but lately I have found that I don't like the term. L gets to be Mom, I am starting to turn towards firstmom. My ex will not be her first dad since he refuses to have anything to do with her so he will just be B, her birth dad.

[happygmom]

When my daughter briefly considered adoption for her unborn son, she contacted a few agencies and asked questions about open adoption. She was immediately labeled a "birth" mother (yes - just for asking questions). She found the term extremely off-putting as did her Dad and I. I have read a lot about the PC terminology battles and have questioned why the "birth" terms don't ring true on for me. I would have been a "birth" grandmother for heavens sake! Ugh, just, ugh.

I am wondering if "birth" parent is a misnomer in an open adoption. The agencies were telling my daughter about the "win-win" in open adoption, yet at the same time were calling her a "birth" mother. So if open adoption means an on-going relationship, why is one side of the triad labeled with terminology that describes a one-time event? It just doesn't make sense to me.

Roosmama - perhaps your son's (first, natural, birth,?) mama has had the same epiphany?

Happy G'Ma

[Vogi2002]

You can honor her wishes to a point. I would not be comfortable calling my sons bmom his natural mother. That does not sit well with me. I get that what she is called doesn't take away from me. I even "get" that adoption is in a way "unnatural" that I didn't give birth to my child...the "natural way".

BUT I am still not comfortable with it and don't ever see myself becoming comfortable with it. If I'm completely honest, it makes me feel like the fact that I am parenting him and his mom is something completely unnatural. I do not believe this and believe that God intended this to happen, thereby making it completely natural. This is just my opinion. BUT since natural mother makes ME feel very uncomfortable, I respect that in the same since birth mother can strike a cord with bparents even though they probably know and realize the same things I do with natural mother.

So...I would talk to her and come up with a solution. First parent would be good, even though it's not first choice for either of you, OA is about compromise!

I would also talk to her about how natural mother makes you feel...and that you are not comfortable with that terminology in front of your child (if you think this will be neccessary). As far as them not "deserving" the title...well please don't take this wrong (because I do GET where you are coming from)...you have no say in this. They are his bparents wether you, your son, or them like it or not. Birth parent or First Parent isn't a title that you earn...they are these by simply allowing him to be born, not to mention making the decision to place. You will have to deal with these feelings first, and not let them effect your child or his bparents, because this is your battle to fight with yourself. You personally must make peace with that (believe me hon...I am right there with ya), it's not thier cross to bear, nor do they have to "earn" a title in your eyes or your child's, they have already done that.

Now...birthmommy...or firstmommy, that is different to me. Less formal, way more personal. My friend calls her son his birthmommy and his bmom loves it.

Anyways...it can all be very hard and HUGE hugs sending out to you!

[Roosmama]

Thanks so much for all your posts. Being able to discuss this situation openly is a huge help in understanding both sides. When we were working with our agency, before and during DS's adoption, they gave us a lot of information about "positive" adoption language. It's interesting that birth mother/parent is one of the terms touted as being positive, when clearly it is not. I think it's just a tough situation all around when you have people involved in such an emotionally charged relationship. For DS, I don't think it ultimately matters. We don't really use titles with him - his birth/first mom is T and we tell him about the role that she played in his life. When he is older, he will be able to choose what to call her. But I do want to keep my relationship with her positive for DS's sake. I don't think I can embrace the term "natural mother" or "natural mom" because of what it implies for our family, but can certainly accept that she was his first mom, so maybe that can be our compromise.

happygmom, I am saddened by your experience with your daughter. I think if something as simple as terminology is keeping women from choosing adoption, then the terminology definitely needs to be reexamined. You mentioned:

I am wondering if "birth" parent is a misnomer in an open adoption. The agencies were telling my daughter about the "win-win" in open adoption, yet at the same time were calling her a "birth" mother. So if open adoption means an on-going relationship, why is one side of the triad labeled with terminology that describes a one-time event? It just doesn't make sense to me.

I think maybe this is part of my concern with changing titles. I am not sharing the parenting of DS (except with DH, of course). I have an open relationship with his first mom b/c I want him to have a direct connection with her, and not have any unanswered questions about his background or roots. I want his first mom to have a special place in his life, but I could not have chosen adoption if that meant shared parenting, essentially relegating me to the role of stepmom. Maybe this is not what you are suggesting. But right now, the biggest role T played in DS's life was in his birth. And that's huge!! That's something for which I celebrate, respect and honor her. Before this discussion, the term birthmom seemed a wonderful, beautiful term to me. Giving birth is something I will never be able to share.

T has been nothing but supportive of my role in DS's life, though - she chose me, after all! - so I think I'm ultimately making way too big a deal out of the titles. I especially appreciate the first moms who replied to my post - your perspective is invaluable. I didn't mean to sound so negative in my earlier post, but this situation completely sideswiped me emotionally. I wish I had been more aware of the terminology debate before DS was born. Changing things two years in is hard! Obviously, more discussion is needed in the adoption community, since birthmom/parent is such an accepted term.

[happygmom]

I reread my post several times, trying to read between the lines. I just can't come up with where I implied "shared" parenting??? Are you writing about shared parenting because that is what your son's birth mother wants now? Help, I'm lost.

Happy G'Ma