[Roosmama]

Just a quick update - I spoke to T over the weekend and we got everything out in the open. We talked for over an hour, and I'm glad we did. She understood my perspective, and I understood hers, and our relationship is back on solid footing again. It really wasn't as big a deal as I had made it out to be, but often it's all in perspective. Thanks again for all your supportive comments, and the swift kicks in the rear as well, which I obviously needed

[loveajax]

That's good news, Roosmama! I sometimes hate email because it's so easy to take things out of context, etc. I am glad that you had a good conversation....

[happygmom]

I am so happy for all of you. I just knew in my heart that everything would work out. Your little one is blessed!

Happy G'Ma

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Roosmama

Just a quick update - I spoke to T over the weekend and we got everything out in the open. We talked for over an hour, and I'm glad we did. She understood my perspective, and I understood hers, and our relationship is back on solid footing again. It really wasn't as big a deal as I had made it out to be, but often it's all in perspective. Thanks again for all your supportive comments, and the swift kicks in the rear as well, which I obviously needed

I'm glad you worked things out in your relationship with T. That in the end is really what matters in these things.

I've done lots of thinking about this label thing myself. The very first letter that we received from my Roo's First Mom was simply signed "Mom". It threw me until I thought about it for awhile. At that point, she had been his Mom for alot longer than I had (Roo was maybe three weeks old) so why not use Mom? With time, she discovered for herself what made her comfortable... she now calls herself by her first name to him and honestly, we don't communicate enough right now by her choice to have this conversation. Whenever he is older and she decides what she wants him to call her, we'll go from there.

And really, I've often wondered if we as those parenting through adoption project things on ourselves that have nothing to do with us. What a first/birth/natural/life/other mother decides to call herself really has nothing to do with me and my place as mother in the life of the child she chose to place in my family, does it? Just because she feels like she wants to be referred to in a specific way does not change who I am in the life of our child.

That's just how I feel about this. And really, I worry that we spend too much energy worrying about this kind of stuff. But OTOH it is true, if it is important to you and how you feel, then maybe it is worth worrying about.

But in the end, it is about YOU and YOUR relationship with your child's other family. I am so glad you worked it out together.

[BrandyHagz]

Tammy,

That's how M's mom feels - she's always left it up to me and now that M is old enough, it's up to her.

M has decided, with her parents support, to call me mom. It works for us and hasn't been an issue, thus far.

[Roosmama]

Originally Posted by blessedbybug

I've often wondered if we as those parenting through adoption project things on ourselves that have nothing to do with us. What a first/birth/natural/life/other mother decides to call herself really has nothing to do with me and my place as mother in the life of the child she chose to place in my family, does it? Just because she feels like she wants to be referred to in a specific way does not change who I am in the life of our child.

You are right...and yet as it turns out I was justified in being concerned. My thinking was that all of the negativity surrounding adoption - and there is a lot of negativity out there - was somehow affecting how T felt about herself and about me. One of my biggest fears having an open adoption is that when DS is old enough to be rebellious, T might encourage that rather than siding with and supporting us as his parents. Knowing her as well as I do, I don't think that will happen - she's really a sensible person, and supports us wholeheartedly at the moment. But what if she did start to regret her decision? What if she got to a place where people convinced her she would have been a better parent and should have kept him? Would that affect how she interacts with DS later on?

When DH read her e-mail, his first question to me was, "She doesn't still have any legal rights here, does she?" So it had us both concerned along the same vein. As it turns out, T has been communicating with some first moms who are very bitter and resentful. Some are in "open adoptions" where the adoptive parents have cut off contact, so many of these women are distrustful of all adoptive families. Fortunately, T isn't easily influenced. But we did talk some things out. The label thing isn't a huge deal to me - I do have trouble with natural mom b/c of the other implications, but T understands that and is perfectly fine with first mom, and I'm transitioning over to that term just fine. It was the possible underlying issues that concerned me from the beginning, and it really just boiled down to communication.

It's appalling how much negative information on adoption is out there. I only hope the positive information is equally convincing.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Roosmama

You are right...and yet as it turns out I was justified in being concerned. My thinking was that all of the negativity surrounding adoption - and there is a lot of negativity out there - was somehow affecting how T felt about herself and about me. One of my biggest fears having an open adoption is that when DS is old enough to be rebellious, T might encourage that rather than siding with and supporting us as his parents. Knowing her as well as I do, I don't think that will happen - she's really a sensible person, and supports us wholeheartedly at the moment. But what if she did start to regret her decision? What if she got to a place where people convinced her she would have been a better parent and should have kept him? Would that affect how she interacts with DS later on?

When DH read her e-mail, his first question to me was, "She doesn't still have any legal rights here, does she?" So it had us both concerned along the same vein. As it turns out, T has been communicating with some first moms who are very bitter and resentful. Some are in "open adoptions" where the adoptive parents have cut off contact, so many of these women are distrustful of all adoptive families. Fortunately, T isn't easily influenced. But we did talk some things out. The label thing isn't a huge deal to me - I do have trouble with natural mom b/c of the other implications, but T understands that and is perfectly fine with first mom, and I'm transitioning over to that term just fine. It was the possible underlying issues that concerned me from the beginning, and it really just boiled down to communication.

It's appalling how much negative information on adoption is out there. I only hope the positive information is equally convincing.

I really don't want to argue about this because in this post you are talking about your feelings, those of fear of what might happen someday if a child rebels. Legitimate emotion for you, for all of us. No one should downplay an emotion anyone has.

But the other side of it is from my perspective, that I for one won't judge someone else's emotions either, or their journey for that matter, and at least from my perspective, the first mothers of my children are on their own journey that will probably take them through bitterness/resentment/regret/etc and who am I to say that they shouldn't feel what they feel. It's what they feel. If I don't give them the space to explore the emotions they are feeling, how will they ever find their way through to more fully come to terms with their decisions to choose adoption for their children.

From my perspective and my own journey, I have come to the conclusion that all I can do is parent my children the best I can, to help them understand adoption in all its range of emotions, to be open to it all, to let them feel it all, which includes both negative and positive feelings. Hard to face but true.

ANd I definitely have my days when I'm trying to come to terms with this all myself, when the fear of what might happen in the future gets the best of me. ANd I have to accept the fact that it is a part of it all, but it can't change the final outcome which is that, in the relationships I chose to enter, I have to do what I can to make them work all the while protecting my children from the stuff they can't handle right now. Fine line for sure and somedays it scares the crud right out of me. But I still have to do it because not only did my children's other mothers choose adoption for their children, but I chose to parent children through adoption, and this is all part of it, messy as it all is.

((((((Many, many hugs Roomama)))))).... I am so glad you had the chance to talk to T about all this. I for one wish I would have that opportunity in the relationships with the first families of my children. And I applaud you for the way you handled it, talking to her openly and honestly about your concerns and listening to hers. I hope when (and I don't mean if... because it will happen in my situations too most probably) I'm faced with this, I can do the same.

[ourdreamcametru]

When we are with "E" we just call her by her name. Castle is not old enough to understand the whole adoption thing just yet but we do talk about "E" at home and how she grew in "E's" tummy. I'm not sure I like any of the terms used to refer to a birthmother, birthmother sounds like she just gave a place for her to grow and be born, natural mother makes amom's sound fake and I just don't like first mother, makes amom's sound like a second choice or something. Hopefully we can get by without having to use any of these terms. We plan to tell Castle that she grew in "E's" tummy and that she couldn't give her the life she wanted her to have so she found a family who she loved and trusted to raise her and give her a home with a mommy and daddy and brothers to love her.

[ocracoke]

We actually had a debate in chat about this last night. There were members of all aspects of the triad there and I think it is fair to say that we agreed to disagree.

One woman said that she felt like adoption was unnatural. It appeared that most of the adoptees in chat preferred to call the women who gave birth to them "natural" mothers. And I have to say -- I hate it. I did not give a child up for adoption so I will not pretend to understand how this affects them. I will say that as an adoptee I think calling my birth mother "natural" is an insult to my adoptive mother. There was nothing unnatural about her raising me. And, in my particular situation (which I understand is not the case with most), my birth mother did very little parenting in my first 5 years of life. As an adoptive mom, I don't like thinking of my daughter's mom as "natural", again, because the implication that I am the "unnatural" mom. However, unlike my situation, her first family loved and cared for her unconditionally until they were no longer able to do so. We talk about her first mom and we talk about her dad (I am single so there is no need for a distinction). I like first mom in some cases and I like birth mom in other cases. What I said last night is that if people are referring to my situations, I do not use "natural" mom but that other people have the right to make that choice for themselves. I was asked if I would correct someone if they asked about my "real" or "natural" mom and I have to say -- I always have.

Samantha

[BestLight]

I bet that was a great discussion, Ocracoke.

I blogged about this not too long ago, in a post called "Prefixing Mothers." Many of my readers are in the early stages of considering adoption, and this is my attempt to help them see the choice of terminology from other parts of the adoption triad.

[loveajax]

Ocracoke, when do you use "first" as opposed to "birth"? Does it depend on whether the adoptee was adopted at birth or later? I am just curious. I also don't like the term "natural" (just my own visceral reaction).

I haven't had any discussions about "titles" with my DD's birth mom. I truly believe people should be able to call themselves whatever the heck they want, but I do think for me the "distinction" comes when you are asked as a parent to use a term with your child that you are not comfortable with. That hasn't happened to me...not sure how I would handle it!

[ocracoke]

Love,

I tend to use birth mom in general. Escpecially in my case because I feel that that was the only motherly thing that she did for me -- give birth. I tend to use first mother for my daughter because for 18 months my daughter's first mother did far more for her then just give birth. It is apparent to me that my daughter was cared for and loved completely by her first family and that choosing adoption was heart wrenching for them. My daughter greived tremendously for her first mother for months (she was in an orphanage for 3 months before I got her and she was still grieving when I got her).

Samantha

[loveajax]

Thanks, Ocracoke! (I am now sitting here feeling really sad about your DD's loss, not that I know she hasn't gained a great mom, but I'm sure you know what I mean!).

[Suziebearhugs]

Aside from "real" mother "natural" mother is right up there with my least favorite title. I'm not really a fan of "first" mother either or "life" mother.

I like the term "birth" mother. I think to experience pregnancy and child birth is a beautiful thing. It's an experience our kids birthmom's had with them that I will never experience. It doesn't end right at birth. The fact that they created them,carried them and gave birth to them will stick with them forever. In every aspect of their life. Their genetics/biology is a big part of who they are. Why does it have to reduce a woman to a "incubator"? Why can't it be seen for the beauty/miracle that it is?

If one of our kids birthmoms came to me with the same question. We'd definatly have to talk about it and come up with a compromise. But no, I wouldn't be calling her my childs "natural mom" and I wouldn't want her saying that to my child either.

I'd probably compromise with "biomom" or "first mom" before I agreed to "natural mom" or even "lifemom" and of course "real mom" would absolutely be out of the question.

[BrockBaby]

As an adoptee, I personally, despise REAL mom. When people ask me about my REAL mom, I tell them about my amom. I call my bmom, my birthmom or biological mom. I am actually not one for titles either. She is who she is, she did what she did, and no matter what "title' she is given, those things won't change. My mom, who happened to adopt me, is mom, period. I do not add a prefix when I am discussing my afamily other than in chat. If people ask me which "family" I am speaking of, such as saying my cousin did this or that...I always tell them, my family family. I do not add adoptive. They are the one's I have that relationship with. I mean NO disrespect for ANY birth or bio fam...it's just the way I feel.