[Roosmama]

DS is almost two, and we've seen his birthmother about 4x a year since he was born (we brought him home when he was five days old). His birthmother lives about an hour and a half away and doesn't have transportation, so all of our visits have been us driving up there - which would be fine, except that she always wants to have them at her house. I've suggested other things that we could all do together in her area (we would pick her up and take her with us), but she isn't interested. This bothers me, though I can't quite put my finger on why. Maybe it's just the control issue. Knowing that every visit is going to be just sitting around in her living room makes me reluctant to set anything up more often than I absolutely have to. Am I being completely selfish and silly? Does anyone else have a similar situation? I appreciate any support or opinions anyone might have on this topic.

[loveajax]

We only have yearly visits with DD's birth family (and we had another one when she was an infant)....Until recently, they did not have a car so we always went to their town. However, we have always met at a restaurant/playground...this year we went to a museum. I like having that kind of "neutral" fun location....I don't blame you for wanting to mix it up a bit...I think you should suggest picking her up and "going somewhere" for the next visit? GOOD LUCK!

[Emberbit]

Did she hide the pregnancy? Maybe she's afraid of going somewhere and having to explain you/the child?

[HBV]

Originally Posted by Emberbit

Did she hide the pregnancy? Maybe she's afraid of going somewhere and having to explain you/the child?

That was my first thought as well. Either that or she's got some mild agoraphobia.

Is there somewhere outside her town but nearby that would allow her to be kind of anonymous?

[SchmennaLeigh]

Sometimes our visits involve going out and doing things. Most of the time, we just sit around and enjoy each other because it's much easier than trekking out with 3 (soon to be 4) kids under 4. While you didn't mention other children, my guess would be that, since you're on her home turf, as others said, if she hasn't told anyone about the adoption, she's possibly trying to avoid uncomfortable situations. Perhaps you could suggest driving to an event/something in another town so she's not out and about, facing people that she knows.

[loveajax]

You know, I hadn't thought about that angle....

My DD's birth family have not told THEIR families about DD....though I think they may be more "paranoid" if we had visits at the home since a family member/friend could stop by?

If this is a case of a "hidden" pg, I feel for you...I am struggling with that now and what that means re: openness, etc.

[Roosmama]

She didn't hide the pregnancy, but mild agoraphobia is a definite possibility that I hadn't really thought of until now. She has kind of a reclusive personality. I'm just being silly, I guess - most of our visits with our other relatives don't involve going anywhere, so I don't know why this should be any different. I think it's just that while she's most comfortable visiting in her home, there's where I'm the least comfortable. Oh well - it won't kill me 3-4x a year. It bothers me that these visits have become something I dread, though, rather than something I look forward to.

Thanks for the feedback!

[Roosmama]

BTW, I just have to say that this is such a great forum. It's very difficult to find people who are supportive of completely open adoption. Even though I haven't posted anything, I've visited frequently since my son was born just to reinforce that I'm doing the right thing by maintaining ongoing, in-person contact with his birthmother. It's a huge help to read about the struggles and challenges that other amoms go through, as well as other members of the triad. (It's especially helpful to read posts by bmoms and adoptees!) Is there a section for teen adoptees on here anywhere? With completely open adoptions being a relatively new development, I would love to read posts by teens who are in open relationships. (I guess I should visit Facebook or MySpace instead - ha ha!)

Thanks!