[mom2GRLC]

[quote=mom2GRLC]
So my reluctance and nervousness NOW has nothing to do with the birthfamily being "good enough" or because of something terrible they have done."

Thanksgiving,

I know your post wasn't directed at my situation....but as I was trying to respond...and realizing after an hour of writing and re-writing what I was trying to say I realized that the above statement I wrote is not true. It's true in the sense that when i wrote it i was thinking of nothing NEW happening in our relationship that is completely terrible that the birthmother has done.....but after pondering it more....

In my situation..... My reluctance NOW.....actually has EVERYTHING to do with ALL We've been through in the past to MAKE this relationship work. It's been a HUGE struggle and there have been MAJOR mountians to climb all the way through...and MOST of those issues DID have to do with the birthparent not acting appropriately, not sharing even basic info about birth/family/medical history, projecting her sadness and dissaproval onto my dd, not accepting responsibility for her own action, blaming others, resenting me and seeing me as the enemy who is keeping her away from her daughter etc etc... So I can't say this has nothing to do with her birthfamily because it does...it has everything to do with how difficult this relationship has been and that my only REAL....hope that kept me going was KNOWING....there would be an end...knowing that when we moved things would finally be the way we had hoped and planned...and knowing that all of our hard work would have been worth it in the end....because we had a relationship to build on once we moved. But that's not happening now. We aren't moving. There is no end in sight. (I'm not meaning END...as in cutting off contact...just slowing it way down and having most of our contact be written...like we have always intended it to be. Where the birthfamilies were a PART of our life...but not ALL of our life. (since we have NO family around here...they see birthfamily members more than they see our own family members).

So maybe my situation wasn't the best example. because it's certinaly not a "it's not you ..it's me" situation.

While I do feel for those birthmom's that were promised contact and still have to live with that fear that there is nothing they can do to ensure a certian level of contact. I think for situations like mine....it just comes with the territory. There's just no way around it.

And for situations like yours....were no contact was even discussed before or at the time of placement....and yet some contact is offered by pictures or e-mails or whatever...I think they should be looked at as extra blessings. It's one more picture that you didn't have....one more update that you may have never known about.

That's the way I saw it in my situation as well...and I know the birthgrandma felt the same way....it's one more kiss, one more hug, one more glance at her sweet little grand child that she might not have seen...It's a blessing to be cherished, and to be grateful for the things you do have not consumed with the things you don't have. I know our daughters birthmom did not see it in that way. But it would have been a lot more pleasant, healthy, attainable if she had. Maybe I wouldn't be in the same position I am today...wondering how this will work long term....and wether it's healthy for my child/family. Maybe we would be in a completely different situation....but I can't dream about that....I have to face our past, our reality and what our future might hold.

[thanksgivingmom]

First of all, thank you for knowing I wasn't trying to attack you or anyone in particular, just using the example you provided. I understand your clarifications.

Originally Posted by mom2GRLC

And for situations like yours....were no contact was even discussed before or at the time of placement....and yet some contact is offered by pictures or e-mails or whatever...I think they should be looked at as extra blessings. It's one more picture that you didn't have....one more update that you may have never known about.

I see what you're saying about "extra blessings" - and in the beginning that's definitely how I saw it! Of course I absolutely cherish the pictures I get of A and am so grateful that I receive this, something I never expected to get!

Having said that, when promises aren't fulfilled, even if they weren't originally part of the package, I feel that I still have a right to be hurt. When my letters go unanswered for months, it gets much harder to stay cheery and think "If I ever hear back at all that's a blessing."

[taramayrn]

I might get myself into hot water by saying this but those so called "little blessings" someone referred to in their post makes me think of the whole mentality of "shut up, don't complain, be grateful for what you have". While I think we all need to be grateful for what is in our lives, I think it's a way of dismissing birth/first mom's pain, etc.

Just my opinion.

[browneyes0707]

I agree TG. I am soooo grateful for every little thing a-mom shares with me, and I do feel blessed knowing that my child is happy and healthy and we have that avenue to communicate.

That is probably why it hurts that much more when I'm promised an update and it never comes. And that makes me feel slighted and unimportant, like I'm a "burden". And I think I'm entitled to feel that way at times, whether or not that was the intention.

[Mommy24]

Tara, I agree 110% with you. Why do we have to be grateful for an occasional picture or letter of the child we gave birth to and then made the best decision we could for them?????

Don't get me wrong, I was thankful for the letters and pictures that I got, and I am sure they were thankful for the chance to raise their son, but to be made feel like they did me a favor? NO, and for me to ever make them feel like I did them a favor would be just as wrong. I made a decision with my son's best interest at heart and I THOUGHT that when they agreed to a semi-open adoption they too were doing what was in his best interest, not because they were doing me a favor!

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by taramayrn

I might get myself into hot water by saying this but those so called "little blessings" someone referred to in their post makes me think of the whole mentality of "shut up, don't complain, be grateful for what you have". While I think we all need to be grateful for what is in our lives, I think it's a way of dismissing birth/first mom's pain, etc.

Just my opinion.

I totally agree with you Tara, so if you're in hot water, you've got company!

I can feel so thrilled and grateful to have updates and pictures while at the same time negotiating my grief.

And I'm with you too Brown...I understand when people don't intend that their actions will illicit a certain feeling, but they're MY feelings and you can't tell me that what I feel is wrong....I can't control them (and don't I wish I could! )

[lahdh4]

Originally Posted by taramayrn

I might get myself into hot water by saying this but those so called "little blessings" someone referred to in their post makes me think of the whole mentality of "shut up, don't complain, be grateful for what you have". While I think we all need to be grateful for what is in our lives, I think it's a way of dismissing birth/first mom's pain, etc.

Just my opinion.

You won't get into hot water from me. I am thinking the same thing with the ways things are going.
I finally told E that, well, I told her "They got what they wanted. They wanted me to be a stranger to my own daughter and they have it."
I also feel it is a way to dismiss us.

[browneyes0707]

Originally Posted by lahdh4

I finally told E that, well, I told her "They got what they wanted. They wanted me to be a stranger to my own daughter and they have it."

(((LEIGH))) This is so sad to me. It should not be a "power struggle" or a "control issue". It's an open adoption.

If the aparents are that insecure that they can't follow through with the arrangement to honor your place in DD's life and their committment to you being an active part of it then DONT ENTER INTO AN OPEN ADOPTION IN THE FIRST PLACE! They could have found a match with another e mom who wanted a semi open/closed and you could have had another match with aparents who truly wanted an OA and everyone would have been happy. Especially J.

I may get in to hot water for saying THAT, but I'm sorry, it just makes me mad!

(((LEIGH))))

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by taramayrn

I might get myself into hot water by saying this but those so called "little blessings" someone referred to in their post makes me think of the whole mentality of "shut up, don't complain, be grateful for what you have". While I think we all need to be grateful for what is in our lives, I think it's a way of dismissing birth/first mom's pain, etc.
Just my opinion.

Thank you Tara. And it also takes away from who is supposed to be the real beneficiary of an open adoption... the child. Birthparents and adoptive parents establishing a good relationship benefits the child and and a good relationship is based on reciprocity and considering each others' needs, not just being grateful for whatever is thrown your way.