[gottahavehope]

I want to start by saying I'm sorry for the saddness I read in your words.

Here are my dealbreakers...

Not respecting my dh and I as parents
Not wanting my son to love us as parents
Acting like a victim every time we have contact
Violence
Extreme anger and abuse
Refusing to get help for these issues

The smoking, drinking, sleeping around, and lack of life direction that our son's birthmother has/engages in breaks my heart for her, but would not stop us from having contact.

And lastly... YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH!! More than enough. No one should make you feel otherwise

Peace,
K

[Leigh131313]

Ya wanna know what I really think? If not, then stop reading... lol



This has absolutely nothing to do with you. I don't think you being "more" or being "better" is what this is about. I think you have placed your child with a family who expected it to be closed. They decided to reach out a bit, and are now having second thoughts. This is about them coming to grips with this situation - this is not about YOU not being GOOD enough.


You ARE good enough.

[blessedbybug]

Right now the only thing on my list is a willing spirit. I just want them to consider that openness and visits would be good for all of us, most definitely our children. That would be a good start. The rest would be just the hard work that it takes to make any worthwhile relationship work.

Tmom, I'm sad that you are feeling this way. I hope that communication between you and your daughter's other Mom opens up more soon.

[bajj]

Originally Posted by Leigh131313

Ya wanna know what I really think? If not, then stop reading... lol



This has absolutely nothing to do with you. I don't think you being "more" or being "better" is what this is about. I think you have placed your child with a family who expected it to be closed. They decided to reach out a bit, and are now having second thoughts. This is about them coming to grips with this situation - this is not about YOU not being GOOD enough.


You ARE good enough.

Amen sister! I think Leigh is right on here. Don't ever feel you aren't good enough, which I know, can be a difficult thing. She is right it isn't about you. I know it effects you and that is horrible, but it isn't about you.

(((((((((thanksgivingmom))))))))))))

[thanksgivingmom]

In all honesty, I was expecting closed myself, so I am okay with my situation right now. I know that I am a good person and have done good things with my life. (But of course it helps to have you all reaffirm that.)

MY adoption story will continue on the path as it should. I have already been blessed with far more than I ever thought would happen. I have pictures of my beautiful daughter and have pictures of her Mother. I get updates and know that she is doing well. It is more that I ever could have hoped for.

I've started to be very interested in the adoption process as a whole, the roles we all play, and how they interact. The sadness you may read in my words is not sadness I have for myself. I truly am happy right now and at peace with where things are. The sadness I suppose is for those who aren't so lucky. For those I don't know that have these worries.

Gottahave, your list really touched me because your dealbreakers are things that directly have affect on your son, and I appreciate that you make concessions for the other things (although I also understand and appreciate your desire for those things to change.)

And Leigh, don't worry about your honesty, it IS appreciated. And Bajj, you know I just think youre the cats pajamas

[jaenelle]

I really wish we had contact with our daughter's birthparents. It was their choice, not ours, to not have contact. We are fulfilling our side of the semi-open agreement, sending the letters and pictures and hoping they will respond at some point. That is about all we can do.

I would welcome that relationship, and I'm sorry that your daughter's adoptive parents don't. I hope it will change in the future, for the better.

[ingi]

I thing that fear is a major reason, fear of the unknown and insecurity about one self....

[TxMom65]

My heart breaks for you T-Mom. I hope the adoption becomes more open very soon.

I wish we could have an open adoption but my daughter was in foster care because of abuse, severe neglect and then the bmom cause issues with foster care about not respecting boundaries.

I've learned a lot from reading the posts from the bmoms on this site. I have a great deal of respect for you and wish that I had the situation of an open adoption with a woman like you ladies are.

[TxMom65]

I also wanted to add that I have raised my stepson and the only times we had issue with his mom was when she was on drugs or with someone abusive. She was never refused to see him but sometimes we had to step in on her driving him or wanting him to stay with her for the weekend or something. Being safe is the key for me.

[firefly69]

Hello,

I am an adoptive parent although our adoption has been carried out a long time. We have had our daughter for 2 1/2 years.

We have a relationship with our daughter's birthmom. In the beginning it was wonderful and the first year she was part of our daughter's life. She allowed us to name our daughter and asked if our daughter could just call her aunt. We had an agreement with her that she could visit whenever she wanted, all she needed to do was call. She's been invited to every event in our daughter's life. The birthmom has two other daughters that she only visits. We haven't heard from my daughter's birth mother since before her second birthday, which is sad.

We have offered her birthfather the same, but he is contesting the adoption although has seen her only one time in 2 1/2 years.

TO get to your question, as adoptive parents, none of us are in a seat to judge a birthmother. I thank God every day that our daughter was sent to us this way, even though we have so many uncertainties. There are many of us who should be thanking people like you for giving us a gift we wouldn't otherwise have. The gift of a child. While drug use/abuse, criminal behavior and activities, alcohol abuse and physical abuse would surely play a part in visitation, adoptive parents have ways to protect visitation until trust bonds can be formed.

I am very sad that you are going through this and I will pray that God will soften the hearts of the aparents who chose to give of themselves to your child. Please remember aparents aren't all about keeping their child from knowing the truth. It's about how much information a child can handle at different ages. We intend our daughter to know of her adoption as soon as she is emotionally ready to receive information. My husband and I already have a plan how we will tell her.

[d'smom]

The Birthparents of our DD chose for it to be closed(agency adoption). When she was 2 months old agency called and asked us to send update and pics for birthmom , because she had called. At first it scared me because of course we had not finalized. After a couple of months of doing this it got harder to write because I was so scared to say the wrong thing or not to say enough. So then I get a letter from the birthmom (through agency) and she says how much she make general comments and says if I want to ask anything oh feel free. But I am scared to I guess. I want to have this line of communication for all of us, but I really don't know how. And I am not ashamed to say some times when I read her letter or am writing her a letter that I feel less of a mother to DD. We love her sooo dearly and are forever grateful for her. DD also has a Atrial Septal Defect and I have not been able to tell her bmom and/or don't know if I should. We don't love her any less. I wish I could get over this hurdle.

[HBV]

Originally Posted by d'smom

The Birthparents of our DD chose for it to be closed(agency adoption). When she was 2 months old agency called and asked us to send update and pics for birthmom , because she had called. At first it scared me because of course we had not finalized. After a couple of months of doing this it got harder to write because I was so scared to say the wrong thing or not to say enough. So then I get a letter from the birthmom (through agency) and she says how much she make general comments and says if I want to ask anything oh feel free. But I am scared to I guess. I want to have this line of communication for all of us, but I really don't know how. And I am not ashamed to say some times when I read her letter or am writing her a letter that I feel less of a mother to DD. We love her sooo dearly and are forever grateful for her. DD also has a Atrial Septal Defect and I have not been able to tell her bmom and/or don't know if I should. We don't love her any less. I wish I could get over this hurdle.

D'smom---there's a thread on the BIRTHPARENTS forum, in the COMMUNICATION BETWEEN BIRTH AND ADOPTIVE PARENTS Section. The thread is called Jealous of Relationship. It might be helpful to you, as it's got some interesting viewpoints from both sides about that communication.

[MyWorld]

I have an open adoption and I would say that my only concern is that my daughter's birthmom may not respect my daughter's timing in knowing about adoption and her. Right now my daughter is only 2 yrs old and she plays and laughs with her bmom when she see her, but sometimes she (bmom) wispers in her ears for a long time and I personally do not like that (just if an extranger were wispering in her ears - I would not allow it - Is the feeling I get like If I need to protect her) I think (and it is only a thought) that sometimes she is wispering to her that she is her mom (you know, intimately we do not use the terms adoptive mom or birthmother) because my daughter turns and looks at me like if she is trying to understand something; due to that reason, I backed-out for a while until things settled and we started visiting again. I have spoken to her about letting her (my daughter) be the one who give us the signs and ask us questions. Sometimes I "sence" that my daughter's bmom is so "eager" to make sure that she (daughter) understans who she is, and forgets that this understanding will come with time and patient.

I am very open about adoption and teach my daughter the words "adoption", "birthmom" etc. but I don't want her to be confused. I don't want to put a label on her as an "adopted child" she is my daughter period, and she is very furtunate to have this other person (bmom) who loves her very much!

Sorry, for this long reply, but it is important to me as a parent (not only bparent) that is I who clarifies things to my child not the only way around.
P.S. I do believe that I have a wonderful relationship with my daughter's bmom, and it is not because I want to but because I love my daughter. So, be patient as we amothers grow in love our heart opens.

[mom2GRLC]

I agree sometimes it has abosolutely nothing to do with the birthparent being good enough or doing the right things. Sometimes it just takes an adoptive parent some time to feel comfortable with the reality of living in an open adoption.

To be honest the idea of birthparents being VERY involved in my kids lives especially as they get older is a scary thing for me. It's not one that i ever considered LONG term. As I believed (and birthfamily knew) that we would be moving out of state shortly after her adoption.

Now almost 3 years later we realize we are still here...and with a recent choice we had to make to stay in the military we are pretty much gauranteed to stay where we are for the next 4+ years.

While our relationship with the birthparents over these last 3 years is improving slowely day by day....there are still concerns...but nothing new or terrible that would be reason to cut off contact.

But this new knoweledge/realization that we may be in this for the long hall has me scared to death...and wondering if this was really the right decision for our family.

So my reluctance and nervousness NOW has nothing to do with the birthfamily being "good enough" or because of something terrible they have done.

Hopefully they will be patient with me as I first come to grips with the fact that we are still here...something I really didn't want to happen and then second, come to accept that her birthfamily WILL be an active part of her life as she gets older....more than I had ever expected.

We may need to find a balance that will work better for us...which may change the frequency of the visits etc... but they will still be a part of our lives for a very long time and in a way if i do feel I need to make changes..I hope they will understand WHY...I need to do it and not think it's about them....but rather my family as a whole.

[thanksgivingmom]

Mom2, On the one hand, I think if you need to - be upfront with the bfamilies and let them know that is WHY you are making the decision, and reassure them it's not because of decisions they have made. I know that this is what you are talking about, and I think that's the most fair way to address the situation.

On the other hand, it's just so disheartening to know that in such a situation there isn't anything I (or any bparent) could do to allow ourselves to maintain a certain level of contact.

It reminds me of the "it's not you, it's me" kind of breakups...I hate those....

This isn't aimed at you specifically AT ALL so please don't take it the wrong way.