[mom2GRLC]

How much contact do you feel is appropriate for your child as they get older? How about when your child is a pre-teen or teenager? Do you picture more contact, less or the same amount?

Would you ever consider unsupervised visits or sleep-overs?

How close of a relationship do you want your older child to have with their birthparents? Do you want them going to them for advice, or to look up at them as a role model? Do your beliefs differ from the birthparents? Are your standards different in clothing,chastity, smoking , drinking, dating etc?

Are you concerned about what kind of influence they will have on your child?

Do you see their contact becoming more and more open, staying pretty much the same, or tapering off over time?

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

How much contact do you feel is appropriate for your child as they get older? How about when your child is a pre-teen or teenager? Do you picture more contact, less or the same amount?
I picture less contact with Bear's mother...and with the lifestyle Bug's birth parents are in (sadly) I assume they will probably not live past his own 5th birthday if they are lucky.


Would you ever consider unsupervised visits or sleep-overs?
Never in a million years!

How close of a relationship do you want your older child to have with their birthparents? Do you want them going to them for advice, or to look up at them as a role model? Do your beliefs differ from the birthparents? Are your standards different in clothing,chastity, smoking , drinking, dating etc?
Considering the vast differences in our lifestyles and morales, I would assume that the relationship will not be much more than it is now. I would hope that he never go to them for advice on any major issues. I would not like to have my son be a father and in rehab by the time he is 15!

Are you concerned about what kind of influence they will have on your child?
Without a doubt! They are too free spirited to put it nicely.

Do you see their contact becoming more and more open, staying pretty much the same, or tapering off over time?
I have a feeling as time passes that so too will the contact...as it already has with some members of the family.

[proudmum]

Originally Posted by mom2GRLC

How much contact do you feel is appropriate for your child as they get older? How about when your child is a pre-teen or teenager? Do you picture more contact, less or the same amount?

Would you ever consider unsupervised visits or sleep-overs?

How close of a relationship do you want your older child to have with their birthparents? Do you want them going to them for advice, or to look up at them as a role model? Do your beliefs differ from the birthparents? Are your standards different in clothing,chastity, smoking , drinking, dating etc?

Are you concerned about what kind of influence they will have on your child?

Do you see their contact becoming more and more open, staying pretty much the same, or tapering off over time?

At this stage i really would like to keep the contact the way it is,,, twice a year and photos 4 monthly..



Would never ever let there be sleepovers and unsupervised visits... not appropriate at all very disfunctional birthfamily



Standards are completely different,,, not looking down on them but when lies, alcohol and drugs start entering the mix i backed right off....
Definitely would not want dd to go to them for advice of any sort..


Not sure about the influence,, hopefully our influence will override anyone else's



Not sure about the contact... in the begining was happy for more but things got so out of control,,, so many visits and demands ( unreasonable ) lies and accusations ,,, drugs and alcohol and rehab,,, disfunctional birth family as well,,,,, thinking on it the same or less definitely not more.... ( my feelings at the moment)....

[aldes]

what we are hoping for is less contact which currently exisits only through mail. DD has zero interest. B/m would jump at the chance for more & teens being what they are, we are prepared for the possiblity that DD may want more while in the defiant years. At least, we THINK we are prepared...lol...I should qualify that by saying we don't believe for a second that such contact would last too long.

[Tudu]

I expect we will maintain our relationship w/ Emma's mother throughout her life. We love her and she has been a consistant part of our lives since she placed her with us. I have no idea how things will play out for my other children, I assume they will do everything in their power to remain involved.

Emma had her first overnight visit this year and hope to have more over the years so she can build her sibling bonds. My other children will not ever spend the night with their family but I can see their aunt and uncle spending the night with us for holidays.

I have no problem with Emma asking her mother for advice b/c she would never say anything inappropriate to her. Her methods of parenting are very different than ours but she respects us as parents and often asks us for advice. My other children's parents are not in a position to give advice or be very supportive due to their bitter feelings. I hope things improve as we try to build a relationship with them.

[ourdreamcametru]

Originally Posted by mom2GRLC

How much contact do you feel is appropriate for your child as they get older? How about when your child is a pre-teen or teenager? Do you picture more contact, less or the same amount?

Would you ever consider unsupervised visits or sleep-overs?

How close of a relationship do you want your older child to have with their birthparents? Do you want them going to them for advice, or to look up at them as a role model? Do your beliefs differ from the birthparents? Are your standards different in clothing,chastity, smoking , drinking, dating etc?

Are you concerned about what kind of influence they will have on your child?

Do you see their contact becoming more and more open, staying pretty much the same, or tapering off over time?

Right now we see Castle's bmom and her family once a year scheduled for around Castle's birthday but this past year we saw them two other times also because of deaths in their family. Until Castle is old enough to decide for herself we are keeping it to one visit a year. Later if she wants to see them more often we are open to this as well. I don't ever see us allowing unsupervised visits or sleepovers it just isn't something we would consider. We want Castle to know her birthfamily and to be friends with them but I have never thought about her going to them for advice although I think that would be fine. As far as looking up to bmom as a role model, I want her to love her and respect her but I wouldn't go as far as to say a role model right now because bmom is not really living on the right track at this time in her life. I am not saying that this won't change and then my feelings would change. There are many things that are the same as far as belief between our two families, we are all christians, clothing styles, and no one smokes. The one difference is when it comes to dating and I am not so sure that this issue is not with bmom and not her families beliefs. Bmom tends to live with a different man every month or so and none of them ever have a job so she is working two jobs to support them. I think her family disapproves but has no control over her, she just turned 21 but this has been going on over 3 years now. This issue is where I have to hope we do our job as parent to direct our children in the right direction and also were I have a problem if Castle sees bmom as a role model. I am hoping bmom "outgrows" this and finds the right man to settle down with. As far as continued contact we just take it year to year right now but I believe it will stay the same or get less.
Good questions, sorry this is so long!

[Lilly's Mommy]

Originally Posted by mom2GRLC

How much contact do you feel is appropriate for your child as they get older? How about when your child is a pre-teen or teenager? Do you picture more contact, less or the same amount?

Would you ever consider unsupervised visits or sleep-overs?

How close of a relationship do you want your older child to have with their birthparents? Do you want them going to them for advice, or to look up at them as a role model? Do your beliefs differ from the birthparents? Are your standards different in clothing,chastity, smoking , drinking, dating etc?

Are you concerned about what kind of influence they will have on your child?

Do you see their contact becoming more and more open, staying pretty much the same, or tapering off over time?

Currently we see Lilly's birthmom about once a month, though she and I talk almost weekly. I think that by the time Lilly is a pre-teen, she will see her bmom as a friend of the family. That being said, I will leave it up to her if she wants to join in when B and I get together. I forsee our contact being lifelong, as we've formed a friendship and are committed to working out the hard stuff.

B is a great person with morals and values similar to ours. We've had her babysit, so I wouldn't outright discount the idea of sleepovers. I don't see B requesting such a thing though, nor do I think I'd be the one to suggest it. If Lilly asked for it when she was older, B, DH and I would have to discuss it. I could see it leading to "birthmom fantasy" that every night would be like a sleepover if B had parented. We'd have to think on that one...

I'd be leary about my child taking advice from any other adult, and while I love Lilly's bmom, I don't want her to offer advice or to be a confidante any more than I'd want another friend of the family to do that. We (B, DH and I) will have to be on the same page as to how she should steer Lilly if Lilly comes to her for advice.

I'd like to think that our contact will stay the same, but time will tell. B is in college, so who knows what the future holds. It would definitely be more of a challenge to stay open and honest with the hard stuff if our proximity didn't allow for as much contact.

[myheart]

How much contact do you feel is appropriate for your child as they get older?
Like any other relative in my family, close and loving.

How about when your child is a pre-teen or teenager?
No differnet than the relationship we have now.

Do you picture more contact, less or the same amount?
Same

Would you ever consider unsupervised visits or sleep-overs?
Truth be told, I am to selfish in this department....I do not let my son stay on overnight visits with anyone. He is my only baby (8yrs) and I would miss him too much. My neices and nephews have to come to my house for sleepovers. This is how I feel right now, I'm not sure if I will feel differently in the future, but for right now....NO.....to any sleepovers!

How close of a relationship do you want your older child to have with their birthparents?
Personally, I Love my sons bmom, she is wonderful!
So, what ever feels right to him, will be alright with me!

Do you want them going to them for advice, or to look up at them as a role model?
Depending on the situation.....We are christians she is not, our beliefs are different on certain areas. Now, if he wanted advice on a haircut or what outfit wear ...no problem.

Do your beliefs differ from the birthparents?
Yes, but not in all areas of our life.

Are your standards different in clothing,chastity, smoking , drinking, dating etc?
Yes and No

Are you concerned about what kind of influence they will have on your child?
No
Do you see their contact becoming more and more open, staying pretty much the same, or tapering off over time?
Not sure, we're pretty close now.....besides who really knows what the future may hold!

[mom2GRLC]

I really appreciate hearing all of your opinions.

As for me. We always believed we would be moving cross country or possibly over seas(were military) as our kids were growing up. Infact we had planned to move out of state right after we finalized our daughters adoption. (Birthfamily knows of our hopes to move, and we never had a set openness agreement).

I was fine with the idea of having visits and really getting to know each other before we moved, so we could build a good foundation for our relationhsip to grow on....through mainly letters/updates/pictures.

But now that we will likely be here for several more years or even much of our childrens growing years, I'm having to face some real difficult questions of how much contact I really want long term for my child. How close of a relationship will be healthy and beneficial.

It's good to hear that many of you share my same concerns. That many of you believe contact will probably decrease some as the kids grow older.

[sugarbabysmommy]

How much contact do you feel is appropriate for your child as they get older?
I feel the contact we have is appropriate for my child, now and later.


How about when your child is a pre-teen or teenager?
Stills feels appropriate.

Do you picture more contact, less or the same amount?
In the teen years, I imagine babe might be busy as active teens can be, that could make our current visits of 4 or more per year harder to accomplish- but I don't see us not trying. I think one or both bio parents might move farther away, that would mean we'd travel less often but likely see each other for a few days at one time instead of one day at a time.

Would you ever consider unsupervised visits or sleep-overs?
Unsupervised visits- yes in the future but not when babe is so young, but it would depend on where, how long, who's driving, who's car, and which persons (keeping in mind we know at least 12 bio family members)- these are the same things I'd consider no matter who it is. Overnight visits- maybe, maybe not.

How close of a relationship do you want your older child to have with their birthparents?
It's not up to me to decide if babe feels close to whomever. It's possible for babe to feel close to persons we spend very little time with, so restricting visits is no guarantee. The selfish side of me wants babe to be closest to me/us... but really I want babe to feel connected to all those people who are loving positive persons in babe's life. The more babe feels connected to all of us, the more I hope babe feels part of a large family and abundantly loved. I hope that babe's sense of family extends well beyond bio and adoptive roots.

Do you want them going to them for advice, or to look up at them as a role model?
They are and will be role models to babe, as will many other adults in babe's life. This question feels like an assumption that because they are bio parents they won't be good role models.

I'm fine with babe asking certain advice of them, they have a lot more living to do, so what they can advise babe on right now is not as broad as it will be when they gain more life experience. This quesiton assumes that bio parents do not change or grow.

Do your beliefs differ from the birthparents?
Yes, in some ways we differ and in other ways no. We are more liberal.

Are your standards different in clothing,chastity, smoking , drinking, dating etc?
I don't think they are the same, but they are not vastly different. One bio parent does smoke and is aware that is a no go with us, so never smokes in our presence.

Are you concerned about what kind of influence they will have on your child?
No, I'm not concerned about babe's bio parents or most of babe's bio relatives. There are a few bio relatives who use racist language, that's not ok with us, but we see those persons much less frequently and I'll tell babe the same thing I would about anyone else who said such things- we can love the person and not be ok with the behavior.

Do you see their contact becoming more and more open, staying pretty much the same, or tapering off over time?
I see it staying the same or increasing. We are blessed to know many family members and enjoy most of them. There are siblings to consider and as babe gets older they could become very important to babe, especially given that babe's our only child.

[mom2GRLC]

Do you want them going to them for advice or to look up at them as a role model?

This question wasn't meant in a negative way? I'm sorry, maybe I should have worded it differently.

I have enjoyed hearing all of your perspectives.

[HBV]

How much contact do you feel is appropriate for your child as they get older? Hopefully a little less than we have now because it's just too much to coordinate once a month when we both work.

How about when your child is a pre-teen or teenager?
Do you picture more contact, less or the same amount? Less, probably. H is the important part of this equation, so his activities and preferences will dictate things. In our case, bmom is developmentally disabled, so emotionally he will probably surpass her at some point about that time. I want him to have compassion and understanding for her, but this relationship has a one sidedness (is that a word?) to it that complicates matters.

Would you ever consider unsupervised visits or sleep-overs? Absolutely not.

How close of a relationship do you want your older child to have with their birthparents? Do you want them going to them for advice, or to look up at them as a role model? Compassion and understanding for bmom and her situation? Yes. See her as a role model? No, except for her perserverance in actually finishing high school and trying to work in some productive capacity.

Do your beliefs differ from the birthparents? Are your standards different in clothing,chastity, smoking , drinking, dating etc? Fundamentally, no, our bmom's family is pretty great. Her disability impairs her impulse control and judgement, but I think if she could express her values, they're not too far off ours. It's just that she'll perpetually be about 12-14 in her affect.

Are you concerned about what kind of influence they will have on your child? No, not really in bmom's case. Bdad is a different story. If he doesn't clean up his act a little, that relationship may have to taper off. Right now, I think the best you could say is that his life will serve as a good example when we teach H about choices and consequences.

Do you see their contact becoming more and more open, staying pretty much the same, or tapering off over time? Honestly I hope it will taper off a little. I would not like to lose touch w/ them, but bmom's family crowds us a little occasionally---though I will admit that right now I'm just feeling overcommitted in general.

[StillaMomma]

Well, since my daughter is so young and we have not had any visits yet (one is coming up this weekend) I can't really say how things would change. I admire and respect Sweet Tart's birthfamily and they are cool people. Sure, when she's older if she wants, she can spend the night. I think that their influence would be needed and appreciated. I think if anything, the visits may increase with age, depending on how the dynamics of the relationships turn out.

What is interesting now is the agency is asking me to not send SO many pictures and allow the birthmother to "move on". I am not sure how I feel about this because I don't see anything wrong with it, and the birthmother has not objected. As a matter of fact, she said she prints out the pictures as soon as she gets her hands on them.

[Mommy24]

Originally Posted by StillaMomma

Well, since my daughter is so young and we have not had any visits yet (one is coming up this weekend) I can't really say how things would change. I admire and respect Sweet Tart's birthfamily and they are cool people. Sure, when she's older if she wants, she can spend the night. I think that their influence would be needed and appreciated. I think if anything, the visits may increase with age, depending on how the dynamics of the relationships turn out.

What is interesting now is the agency is asking me to not send SO many pictures and allow the birthmother to "move on". I am not sure how I feel about this because I don't see anything wrong with it, and the birthmother has not objected. As a matter of fact, she said she prints out the pictures as soon as she gets her hands on them.

This makes me so angry! Please continue to do what makes you and birthmom comfortable. She will not "move on" just because you send fewer letters. UGHHH, when will these agencies "get it"???

[portlowski]

How much contact do you feel is appropriate for your child as they get older? How about when your child is a pre-teen or teenager? Do you picture more contact, less or the same amount?

I imagine we might have a little less contact since we have so much now. But if it stays the same I would be very happy with that.

Would you ever consider unsupervised visits or sleep-overs?

Yes, but only when our bmom gets older. She is still a teenager and I woudn't leave my son with any teenager overnight at this point.

How close of a relationship do you want your older child to have with their birthparents? Do you want them going to them for advice, or to look up at them as a role model? Do your beliefs differ from the birthparents? Are your standards different in clothing,chastity, smoking , drinking, dating etc?

I love our son's bmom and she is a smart girl with a good head on her shoulders so I don't see this as a problem. But right now she is still living with her parents, who are wonderful people. When she goes away to college next year, it will be interesting to see how being on her own influences her. She is still maturing and I hope she goes in the right direction--we think that she will.

Are you concerned about what kind of influence they will have on your child?

Not really, she has basically very good values and comes from a stable loving family. The bfather comes from a very dysfunctionaol family but he is adamant that he doesn't want Little Guy growing up in the kind of environment that he did.

Do you see their contact becoming more and more open, staying pretty much the same, or tapering off over time?

It's really hard to say. I see us being in lifelong contact, but it will be up to them to decide what is best emotionally. Even if contact changes over time, both of Little Guy's birthparetns will have an honored place in our homes and our hearts. I am going to visit bmom this afternoon and bring her a belated Mother's Day present. We see them about once or twice a month, as we live in the same city. We know every situation is different, but we have found that having frequent shorter visits takes the pressure off of everybody. If Little Guy is in a bad mood Bmom doesn't feel so bad cause she knows she'll see him again soon. And I don't feel nervous or stressed before visits because they are just a part of normal life.