[luvmylittlegirls]

How much contact do you feel is appropriate for your child as they get older? How about when your child is a pre-teen or teenager? Do you picture more contact, less or the same amount?

Right now we only send pictures through a mutual acquaintance.

Whether that changes depends on whether or not dd's b-mom continues on the same path she's on (HIGHLY dysfunctional, manipulative, drug abuse...). If things remain the same, then, then there definitely won't be increased contact. If things get worse, we'll probably stop contact altogether.

And, if at any time DD asks us to stop contact, we will. If she wants more contact.... because of b-mom's issues, that's tough to imagine allowing. Not ruling it out, but... yikes.

If b-mom starts making better choices, completes rehab, stays clean for a long time (years) and just becomes a healthier person overall, I could see us opening things up slowly. Trust takes time to rebuild.

However, the rest of my answers are assuming that things DON'T change with b-mom.



Would you ever consider unsupervised visits or sleep-overs?

NO.

How close of a relationship do you want your older child to have with their birthparents?

No relationship until she's an adult and decide for herself.

Do you want them going to them for advice, or to look up at them as a role model?

No, absolutely not.

Do your beliefs differ from the birthparents? Are your standards different in clothing,chastity, smoking , drinking, dating etc?

We have very different morals.

Are you concerned about what kind of influence they will have on your child?

YES

Do you see their contact becoming more and more open, staying pretty much the same, or tapering off over time?

The same or less.

[loveajax]

How much contact do you feel is appropriate for your child as they get older? How about when your child is a pre-teen or teenager? Do you picture more contact, less or the same amount?

We have an open adoption agreement that has a yearly visit scheduled around DD's birthday. I think I will probably stick to this arrangement until DD is old enough to understand. I am open to more visits if that is what DD wants. In the future, I picture that DD may want more contact.

Would you ever consider unsupervised visits or sleep-overs?

Not now, but maybe when DD was a teen.

How close of a relationship do you want your older child to have with their birthparents? Do you want them going to them for advice, or to look up at them as a role model? Do your beliefs differ from the birthparents? Are your standards different in clothing,chastity, smoking , drinking, dating etc?

I want DD to know and love her birth parents. I don't know the "extent" of what that means. We do have somewhat different beliefs/values, but not markedly so. I am not sure I would want DD following in her birth parents' foot steps (if only because I feel like they are really bright kids who have been limited by poverty, etc.)..

Are you concerned about what kind of influence they will have on your child? No.

Do you see their contact becoming more and more open, staying pretty much the same, or tapering off over time? It's hard to say since they have not told their families (or older DD) about the adoption. If they are unwilling to do so in the future, I don't want my DD feeling like a big "secret." I hope that they do, and if so, I expect that there will be more contact, more openness.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by StillaMomma

What is interesting now is the agency is asking me to not send SO many pictures and allow the birthmother to "move on". I am not sure how I feel about this because I don't see anything wrong with it, and the birthmother has not objected. As a matter of fact, she said she prints out the pictures as soon as she gets her hands on them.

The agency clearly feels that decreasing contact will "help" the birthmom think less about her child. As if the pictures are the only thing that reminds her she gave birth and placed a child for adoption. Nothing could be further from the truth. Moving on does not mean moving out of our children's lives, it means finding comfort in having a different role in their lives.

Sending less pictures at this point would only causde anxiety and make her wonder if you are cutting her off. Do you go through the agency? If so, you might want to think about direct contact.

[krystabelle]

Originally Posted by bromanchik

The agency clearly feels that decreasing contact will "help" the birthmom think less about her child. As if the pictures are the only thing that reminds her she gave birth and placed a child for adoption. Nothing could be further from the truth. Moving on does not mean moving out of our children's lives, it means finding comfort in having a different role in their lives.

Sending less pictures at this point would only causde anxiety and make her wonder if you are cutting her off. Do you go through the agency? If so, you might want to think about direct contact.

I completely agree.

I can't believe anyone would suggest that it would help a birthmother to move on if she didn't receive so many pictures. I live for those pictures, the phone calls where I hear my daughter in the background, and the visits. I relish them.

[gottahavehope]

Where do I see contact in the future???
It will depend on what my son wants, but I'm not hopeful considering the type of woman birthmother is and the issues she has. I'd like to be able to resume sending pics, but even that is up in the air. However, if she gets the help she needs, it would be nice for my son to get to know her as a friend when he gets older.

Would I want her to be my son's role model or go to her for advice???
NEVER!!!

Would you ever allow unsupervised visits or sleepovers???
NEVER!!!

Sigh...

Peace,
K

[patti Daniels]

I am an adoptive parent. My daughter requested to find her birthparents when she was 17. We had a closed adoption. We did locate the family with God's help. I made one phone call and located the birthmom's uncle. He contacted her and she contacted our daughter via email. Our daughter stayed a week with her in Alaska. I went on a cruise and the Alaskan Railroad. The visit went great and the birthmom and birthgrandparents attended her graduation. The birthgrandparents spent alot of time with our daughter. We would meet and go bowling or out to eat. The grandparents lived about 150 miles from our home. Now, our daughter is in college and I have noticed the birthfamily is having less and less contact with our daughter. The birthmother visited this week from Alaska and ignored my daughter's phone calls. I have put the problem in God's hands. I cannot understand how anyone could ignore their grandchild or child. I will be here when and if my daughter wants to talk about it.

[KristineM]

How much contact do you feel is appropriate for your child as they get older? How about when your child is a pre-teen or teenager? Do you picture more contact, less or the same amount? I anticipate less contact as our daughter gets older.

Would you ever consider unsupervised visits or sleep-overs? At this time, no way.

How close of a relationship do you want your older child to have with their birthparents? Do you want them going to them for advice, or to look up at them as a role model? Do your beliefs differ from the birthparents? Are your standards different in clothing,chastity, smoking , drinking, dating etc? Our morals are very different than our daughter's birthmothers. Therefore, I would not want her going to her birthmother for advice.

Are you concerned about what kind of influence they will have on your child? Yes.

Do you see their contact becoming more and more open, staying pretty much the same, or tapering off over time? Tapering off over time... but who is to say. Our daughter is only 3, we have many years to go.