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Originally Posted By CindyA

My husband and I are in the process of adopting his niece's son who has been with us since he was born. We were selected, by the bmom, to adopt him because the pregnancy was unplanned and she came very close to aborting him. The mother took a trip to the abortion clinic and changed her mind of which I will forever be grateful. We did not ask for the baby and now she and her mother treat us (me especially) as if we took the baby from her against her will. I was present during delivery and spent two nights in the hospital with the baby. He was released to us from the hospital with the bmom's consent. At each contact with them now, I am reminded that I am not the bmom through remarks and innuendos. I feel very bad at times and don't say anything. I have bonded with my son and I am afraid they might take him back. Court date is June 6th. I am so very nervous and scared.

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Originally Posted By birthmom Jamie

What kind of remarks do they make?

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Originally Posted By a fried

YOU HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG! Keep your chin up and just don't get into any verbal confrontations with them at this point. Good luck and let us know...I'll bet everything will go through just fine. We are all nervous as the final hearing date approaches.

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Originally Posted By amom

Cheryl,

Hang in there. We do not have the same situation (our child's bmom is not related to us), but we do get remarks and a lot of blaming from our bmom for her loss. Like you, I am the target. It is really hard some days, but I try to remember that she is grieving. I also try to remember that I am not the problem, I am the solution. We, as adoptive parents, did not have anything to do with the life choices made by our children's birthparents or the consequences of those choices. Sometimes Ihave to say that to myself a whole lot of times to keep my chin up.

I was feeling so low about all the remarks and innuendo that I had to limit how frequently and for how long I would listen when the comments began going that direction.

Good luck with your court date. Will your son's bmom be there, or will it just be you and your husband and son?

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Originally Posted By Cheryl

Thanks for responding. I just feel a lot better because of some positive replies to my message. The bmom is going to be present at the court hearing and I hope she does not make a scene that might sway the judge's decision. She may not but I am just anxious. I think, you're right about the bmom grieving and it was her choice to give us her son too. Thanks for the idea of limiting the length of listening to their remarks. Thanks a lot.

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Originally Posted By birthmom Jamie

The remarks are like: Did you know that a child will always know (instinct) that he is adopted? A baby will always remember their natural mother's scent and will never forget. We want the child to come back to us, if you ever pass away. He has the >>>> looks, he is handsome. He has the bmom's nose, ears, etc, etc.
My son is a handsome baby and I know where he is coming from but it seems like they have to remind me that I am not the natural mother, at every visit. I could have given a big babyshower BUT.....! I have been keeping peace and listening quietly to their comments. I don't want to have to one day tell my son the sad/bad events surrounding his adoption.

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Originally Posted By A friend

Thanks for the encouragement. You're right, I don't want to get into any verbal confrontations. I pray that all will go well at the court hearing. Thanks again.

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Originally Posted By WJN

Since your husband is related to the bmom and there will probably be more contact, I would probably say something. This might be difficult and it would have to be done with consideration of the bmoms feelings. I would probably just remind her that it does hurt your feelings and that you do realize that that baby is her's biologically. I think a polite confrontation of the emotions on both sides may help her to understand what you feel and that you also understand her emotions.

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Originally Posted By amom

I can understand your uneasiness about the court proceeding. Hopefully it will be quick and uneventful. I will be thinking of you on the 6th.

I had one additional suggestion that I recently tried with our bmom and it helped a lot, so I thought I would mention it. A friend suggested setting a time for when we would accept phone calls (ie. once a week, monthly, etc.). She suggested that we not accept additional calls or visits that were outside of the agreed upon time. She further suggested that doing this would help me be prepared for the bmom's call when it came. She suggested writing down some things/milestones that had occurred since the last phone call to share with the bmom about our child and to keep that "list" of things with me so that I could keep the focus of the conversation on our child. All of this sounds so simple, but it really worked. I found that having an agreed upon call schedule kept our bmom from impulsively calling when she felt angry and in need of a target (me). I also found that the "list" of things that I wanted to share about our child helped me to take control of the conversation at the beginning and to focus it on the purpose of the open relationship --- sharing information about the progress of our child. I found that when I dove in with "guess what Johnny did last week", it started things out on a more positive note rather than getting into all her personal problems and feeling like I had to listen to all the hurtful comments. Also, I felt more able to get off the phone when I had finished sharing my news and answering her questions about our child.

Good luck.

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Originally Posted By To Cindy A

I am praying for you and your husband and child that your proceeding tomorrow goes well and that you can be at peace, having finalized your adoption!

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Originally Posted By WJN

Thanks for the prayers. The hearing went well but only the Termination of Parental Rights was finalized. We have to wait 30 days after the decree and then file another adoption petition. Hopefully that will be it. I was really glad that things went smoothly. Thank God.

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Originally Posted By a mom

I'm glad to hear it went well. Your now down to the legal dealings and hopefully it will be over soon. The judge wouldn't have terminated rights if you weren't heading to the final hearing. We had rights terminated a month before also on one of the possible bfathers who wouldn't sign off.