[momily]

I adopted my son 8 years ago when he was a newborn. Although I had told the agency I was interested in an open adoption, they told me that they had discussed it with the birthmother, who had significant mental illness, and decided on just exchanging letters and pictures, which we have done for the past 8 years. At the time I thought they meant that DS's birthmother had asked for the adoption to be closed, and I respected that choice.

Later on, I came to believe that the closed adoption was most likely the agency's choice -- I started to think about exploring the possibility of opening it, but didn't actually do anything about it.

A few months ago I got a phone call that the birthmother had died. I asked about sending flowers to her mother (with whom I had also exchanged letters and photos) and the agency gave me an address (they called and asked her permission).

I just got a letter from grandma saying thank you for the flowers, and begging me to call her and tell her how DS is. She says she's 80 and doesn't know how much longer she'll live, and she wants to know about her only grandchild. She didn't ask to see DS, but only to talk, but I can't help wondering if that's because she's afraid she'll scare me away.

I have really bad laryngitis right now, but as soon as it's gone I plan to call and ask if I can take her out to lunch. I would bring a lot of photos, and maybe ask DS to draw her a picture or write her a letter. If that goes well I thought I'd ask if she wants to meet DS himself. My question is, for those of you who have opened an adoption, how did you handle the intial meetings with your child? DS clearly doesn't understand the magnitude of this -- I asked him if he wanted to meet her and got the impression that he didn't really care one way or another. DS can also be kind of easily overwhelmed, especially when people are emotional, and so my thought is that maybe I should set up a meeting at a park or something where he could run off and play if he got overwhelmed? My other thought was that maybe I could invite her to a soccer game or something so that she could visit with him briefly, then watch him play, then visit for a few more minutes?

What have other people's experiences with opening an adoption been?

Also, given that she may not live long enough for DS to ask the questions I know he'll want answered, what should I be asking, and how should I be documenting?

Thanks!

[Leigh131313]

First things first....about your son and meeting..


I think a park is an excellant idea!! I am a little unsure about a soccer game...it may be to "open" for him - what with friends being there and stuff...he may need some privace.

I think the idea of you two meeting first, and then bringing ds is a GREAT idea!! It gives you a chance to feel more comfortable - as well as gives her a chance to discuss private matters without ds there.

As for how to tell him? This is your birthmom's mom....or this is your birthgrandma......then follow his lead!

About obtaining info....

Do you have his health info? If not now is a fantastic opportunity to get it! Maybe contact your doctor or agency and ask which questions you may want to ask....

Pictures!! Ask if she would mind copying some pics of his birthmom and all of the family for you....offer to pay of course!!

Does she have any info on the birthfather?



I think I would be pretty blunt about these questions with her....I would say...There are some things I was wondering about, and maybe you could share some info with me. I would really like this information for DS, and I dont want to forget to ask....and then ask questions!! bring a pen and write her answers down. I'd probably say something like"sorry this feels like an interview!! but this info is just so precious to us"

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Leigh131313

First things first....about your son and meeting..


I think a park is an excellant idea!! I am a little unsure about a soccer game...it may be to "open" for him - what with friends being there and stuff...he may need some privace.

I think the idea of you two meeting first, and then bringing ds is a GREAT idea!! It gives you a chance to feel more comfortable - as well as gives her a chance to discuss private matters without ds there.

As for how to tell him? This is your birthmom's mom....or this is your birthgrandma......then follow his lead!

About obtaining info....

Do you have his health info? If not now is a fantastic opportunity to get it! Maybe contact your doctor or agency and ask which questions you may want to ask....

Pictures!! Ask if she would mind copying some pics of his birthmom and all of the family for you....offer to pay of course!!

Does she have any info on the birthfather?



I think I would be pretty blunt about these questions with her....I would say...There are some things I was wondering about, and maybe you could share some info with me. I would really like this information for DS, and I dont want to forget to ask....and then ask questions!! bring a pen and write her answers down. I'd probably say something like"sorry this feels like an interview!! but this info is just so precious to us"

I agree with Leigh on every front. Having a chance to have some private conversation first with your son's birthgma would help with knowing how overwhelming it might be. And asking her the questions that you want to know on his behalf for the future is so important. I would love to hear how your meetings turn out.

[momily]

Thank you both!

We already have a lot of the info you suggest -- good medical info (on her side, none for the other side but she won't be able to help with that), and photos, including photos of DS and bmom and DS and gma together as a newborn. I'm pretty sure I know as much as she knows about bfather (which is close to nothing). What else should I be asking?

One thing that I worry about is that DS does not like to express a lot of emotion. He doesn't really like to hug or kiss anyone but me (not even my mom who he adores). I worry that she's going to expect that, and when he doesn't allow it she'll take that as rejection when it's really just him. One reason I want to meet her first is so that I can give her a head's up that he's a really caring kid but he's just too shy to be demonstrative. Does that make sense?

[Leigh131313]

Yup, that makes sense...and I think it's a good idea to discuss expectations - with BOTH of them. Talk to the birthgrandma about what you see happening....prepare her for the possibility he may be distant or awkward.

As for your son, make sure he knows that he does not have to "feel" a certain way...Let him no there are no expectations on him. This is just a get together at a park, kwim?

I'd also make sure you contact her AFTER the meeting to talk about the next step. If your son had a great time - and everyone elseis on board - maybe set up another time some day down the road...OR, if things were difficult, let her know how you want to proceed.

I think just being open about everything is the best way to go about this!