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Originally Posted By crenee

I have a very hard time with the bmom thing. I should'nt but I do. When we have our get togethers it is hard for me not to feel like the "second mom". My daughter is too young to know what is truly happening but she is very familiar with the term adoption. I have got to get over my insecurities but I just can't seem to jump that hurdle! Help! I feel pathetic worrying that someday she will understand "adoption" and want to be with her "real" mom and not her "afamily". Has anyone every felt these insecurities or am I being extreme. Thanks for any insight. )

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Originally Posted By Andy

I know how you feel, I think a lot about bmom, wonder if she is doing okay (cause I can't reach her at this time), I want her to see the boy's so that they know she was part of their live. i want them to be able to know her, her smile, what she looks like the way she is... At the same time when she does call, and want's to come (last time 2-20-01 the day before their 1st birthday) it hurts me it feels like somebody is sticking a knofe into my heart - I feel they are my baby's and I don't want to share them with anybody. But I do it for them - and I am so thankful for them. It does feel wierd. But I also try to imagine how she must feel - I don't think I would like to be in her spot either. Just han in there.

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Originally Posted By mom

Crenee --

You are not alone in any of these feelings. Let's face it, as adoptive moms we know that we are not the only woman with a tie to our children. As women, I think we can imagine (more than men can) what we might have felt if we had to place a child for adoption and we know in our hearts how tied we would always feel to that child. (After all, many of us have lost children or the possibility of children through infertility). Lastly, I think the adoption process (rightly so) teaches us to honor birthparents but sometimes to minimize our own feelings.

I do not know if this will help, but what helps me to deal with these feelings is to look at it from the child's perspective. No matter how much I liked/loved other adults (even relatives!) as a child, I would never have wanted to leave my parents to be with them. I also try to tell myself that all kids (even biological ones!) go through times (otherwise known as adolescence) when they think ANY parents would be preferable to the ones they have. I once read a book that cautioned me not to look at everything as an adoption issue, which is really hard for me, sometimes. I keep trying to tell myself that developmentally, my child will have a need for distance and a need for closeness at different times throughout life and that is something we all go through in growing up. I try also to look at our bmom as someone who loves my son and enriches his life while playing an intermittent visiting role. No one worries about affirming adoptive parents, and I think as moms, we need to affirm ourselves in that we give stability, love, caring and nurture to our children day in and day out, for a lifetime. I try to tell myself that everyday so that I can give my child the security that comes with knowing that I am confident in what I am to him.

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Originally Posted By crenee

Thank you. I have to say with all honesty your response truly made me feel better. I just hope I can remember your advice when I start to feel insecure again. I had begun to feel badly about my own feelings. Thank you...I really do feel better )

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Originally Posted By crenee

How is it going? Feeling any better? It gets easier with time. Hang in there.