[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

What do you do when the birth family want more contact that you are comfortable with? Let me start by saying that my son was adopted thru foster care. There are reasons he was IN care, that are not entirely gone. We signed an open adoption agreement with B-MOM. This was for 2 visits a year and photos and letters 4 times a year.

B-mom wanted to get together for Christmas (our visits are set for 2nd weeks in Feb and Aug). She has asked for our phone number (I am not comfortable with this). I do e-mail her about once a month, but she has shared my e-mail address with her friends and family who have contacted me to inquire about my son. We have also had upwards of 8 people show up for visits when we had no idea there would be more than one. As I said, our agreement was between b-mom and us...nobody else.

My thing is that we signed an agreement we were comfortable with. Although I can understand the desire to want more contact, how do I address this issue without being offensive? I question if she even read the adoption agreement before signing it. Should I be frank yet flexible and say something like "our next visit is scheduled for February, would you like to have it earlier this year?"

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by Bug-n-Bears-Mommy

Should I be frank yet flexible and say something like "our next visit is scheduled for February, would you like to have it earlier this year?"

Well if you are uncomfortable with how things are going, yes you need to say something. I understand your need to address this in a sensitive manner. I like you suggestion above.
Good luck!

[lonni]

"our next visit is scheduled for February, would you like to have it earlier this year?"
__________________

Perfect~in my opinion!!

[loveajax]

I think that's a perfect response as well! It shows that you are not inflexible but that you really feel comfortable with the number of visits set forth in the Agreement. Good luck to you....

[SchmennaLeigh]

I also agree that it sounds just right.

[mom2GRLC]

I agree that is a perfect way to help her realize that you are sticking to your agreement. Another thing you can do when your planning when and where is to include the "who". Make sure you let her know that you aren't comfortable with a bunch of people showing up and that time is really meant for your child to get to know her and more people would take away from their time together and may be overwhelming for the child.

If she feels more comfortable bringing just one friend or relative for support maybe you can talk with her about your feelings on that.

[IrishBluz]

I hear you loud and clear! Our son's b-mom has not seen him since she had him...that part is a long story for another time. But in short Logan was in the hospital for 8 weeks before he could come home. In that time my husband and I traveled to the hospital CONSTANTLY even though it was 4 hours away. We were blessed it was only 4 hours and not days or a plane ride away. Anyway on a few occastions the bmom's mother and aunt were "in the area" with bmoms grandmother and wanted to stop by the hospital to see him. One time we got there after an unusually horrific drive and were exhausted and just wanted to relax with Logan and they were in the hospital room HOLDING HIM already! Oh my...I wanted to go straight through the roof. We had never met them and they were there for over an hour. You see the thing is that bmom never told HER mom she was planning to place baby for adoption. So for 9 months g'ma was thinking she was having another grand child. She was devistated. They actually both have our phone # and have mailed packages for Logan and bmom even sent us a card when we first brought him home..."Congrats to the new parents!" I cried my eyes out. Where am I going with all this...well perhaps she just needs to know that the child is safe and try to make peace with this decision. I understand that it was through foster care so the relationship I have with our bmom just may not be appropriate for you nor comfortable and that's ok. I think if your agency is still involved they may be able to help you. Your suggested approach though is VERY acceptable and VERY tactfull. It gets the hint accross with out seeming like you are turning her away. I just wish you all the best. I know this is tough. I know it's still a bit of a strain for us that they call/e-mail as much as they do. But we are slowly learning to accept and deal with it. I wish I could make this easier on you though. If under similar circumstances I am not sure I would be able to have the same relationship I have now. Keep in touch if you need to chat. Best to you always!!!!!