[lovebeingmommy]

When my DH and I spoke with the bmom & bgrandma the very first time they wanted openness/ we didn't. We agreed to having an open adoption. Agreement is: 1st year visits up to once/ month (for the bmom), letters every other month... After year 1 visits twice/ year and letters quarterly.
The year is over on the 8th-- and I get the sense the bmom doesn't care for much visitation anymore, etc... My DH & I agreed to certain terms and will stick with it; However, we don't have an agreement with the bgrandma-- and she wants continuous visits and has asked me how often we'll allow it going forward. I don't know how to react. I feel the boundaries get pushed by the bgrandma and I feel uncomfortable.
ALSO-- need help with some terminology issues. The bmom knows that our daughter won't be calling her mom.... the the bgrandparents are continuously calling themselves g-ma & g-pa..... is this okay? I just need some examples of how others have dealt with some of these things.
Thanks!

[DCMomLady]

I'd like to start by saying that I don't think you have to have "continuous" contact with the extended birthfamily if that's not what feels right and comfortable to you. Please don't let yourself be manipulated by the birthmom's mother because you don't have an agreement with her. If birthmom doesn't want to fulfill her part of the agreement, I think you may want to considering voiding the agreement instead of transferring the privileges to her family. I'm sure you agreed to the terms of the agreement because you thought it was made in the best interest of the child. When it stops benefitting your child, it may be time to close the adoption.

But if you do think your child will benefit from ongoing contact with the birthgrandmother or other family members, its your decision to make and the terms of the agreement are for you to set.

Fortunately, we live in a culture where it is increasingly common for kids to have more than the two official sets of grandparents. Now, they might have grands, great-grands, step-grands, and close family friends who are honorary grands. (I'm also reminded of my little brother who missed his long-distance grandparents so much that he called everyone with grey hair "grandma" or "grandpa".)

Our's is a kinship adoption and I knew my (younger) sister really didn't want to be called "grandma" by my daughter so we assigned her the nickname "NanaJingles" (because she wears so much costume jewelry). The biogrands on birthdad's side are called "Grandma" and "Grandpa" because they wanted to have those roles in Her Sweetness' life; and their continued support of our family has earned them the right to those names (even though they're just a few years older than we are). My dad also is called Grandpa but Her Sweetness will know that he is her Great-Grandfather, too.

My point is that having lots of grandparents need not be confusing or conflicting. It's certainly nothing like the confusion that can arise from too many people claiming the titles of "Mom" and "Dad"!

[tobeafamily]

This open adoption is still very young. I would advise you to continue with visits and such, even if your child's bfamily do not make it to every visit. Do not misconstrue apparent apathy for disinterest or a desire to close the adoption. People are all sorting out how they fit together, and sometimes they need to step back.

As far as bgrandma, I see no harm to your child in them calling their biological grandparents "g-ma" or whatever they wish to be called. Our son called his bgrandma "Nonni" and his bgranddad "Grandpa G" (to distinguish him from "Grandpa B, my husband's father).

Sit down with bgrandma and establish levels of contact, just like you did with bparents. Make sure everyone's clear on what the boundaries are.

Consider that grandparents can bring great value to both you and to your child as the years go on, especially if bparents exit permanently. Every child has a right to their complete history, all of their pieces - genetic, biological, social, environmental - and through these grandparents, they get those 'pieces' that do not come from you.

What parents newly in adoption fail to realize is this: in the early years - when your child is 0-5 or so - there is no direct 'need' for bfamily, as you are meeting all of your child's needs. It is so very easy to say - hey, babe is fine, there's no issues. We 'survived' the adoption trauma and we'll be OK on our own.

There will come a time though where your child will have needs that cannot be met by anyone other than their bfamily. This happens as they emerge from the family cocoon, generally at about ages 7-10, and are gathering and understanding all their 'pieces'.

So, to be sure your child always has what they need (and that is our job and desire as parents), keep the thread of contact open for your child. Someday they may very well need to follow that thread to find themselves.

Open adoption can be challenging at time, just like any other relationship. Remember to always be truthful, respectful, and that this is not about what makes you happy and fulfilled and complete. The hard part is realizing and accepting that we aparents can't always provide all of that on our own. The great part is in that we still can, through the relationships we nurture for our kids.

JMHO

Regina

[banjo]

My bdaughter has always called my parents grandma and grandad, she has different names for her agrandparents. Just as most children do with their grandparents ie nana, granny etc. I grew up with stepgrandparents and my kept children have them as well. AS a child I loved having more grandparents than most of my friends. Although I have almost no contact with my teenaged bchild at the moment I know that my parents still communicate with her through texts etc. I think you will find that your child will benefit from having them around in the long run.

[AMom2Two]

If you are uncomfortable with having bgrandma calling herself grandma, then say something. Don't feel like it's not important and your feelings don't matter. They do. One of the biggest barriers I had to work thru was being able to say what was not working for me. If you do not feel comfortable having visits with bgrandma, then don't. You are not obligated to do so and you shouldn't allow them if you are not comfortable.

I would agree that do not take bmoms non visits to mean she doesn't care. She might be having a hard time with them, as did my dd bmom. She might not make them all because they are hard on her and she is learning how to deal with them.

You might want to make the stipulation that if bgrandma wants to visit, she should come with her daughter. There is no need for you to set up different visits and continue to open yourself up to other family members.

I would caution you to listen to your needs. Don't allow others who are very comfortable in open adoption to make you feel as if you should be. We are all different people and what works for one couple will not work for another.

Be careful what avenue you travel down and doors you open. It's harder to close doors to extended family but sometimes, it is needed so that we do not feel so overwhelmed.

The fact that you did not want an open adoption to begin with, says something. Listen to your feelings and respect the way you feel. Don't feel as if you have to include the whole family into this private situation. I know my mother would not be happy if I had the children's grandparents coming here and calling themselves grandma. She would feel that it took away something from her and made her less important. Those were her feelings so I listened to them and then I respected them. If your child's bgrandparents truly have a kind heart and compassion for you, then they would honor your requests not to use those terms.

Be true to yourself. That is very important! Your feelings matter too.

[kelceesmom]

If you are willing to keep some contact with the bgrandparents then you should. A child can never have to many people loving them. You should set your bounderies if this is the way you would like to proceed. Remember nothing is ever set in stone and you can always change things if you get more comfortable.

[loveajax]

Honestly, imo, that is a LOT of visits that you have had in the first year and I am sure you may be feeling a little overwhelmed (esp. if you did not want an open adoption in the first place). Is there some reason you want to cut off ALL visits with bgpas? If not, how about just saying that you don't want to close off contact and that maybe you can meet in x number of months. I know a lot of people say that there is no such thing as "too much love, "but I really think you have to be comfortable as your own family unit and set the boundaries that you think are appropriate. (DD's birth parents never told their families about the birth/adoption -- it seems weird, but frankly I think it has made things a little less complicated for us....)

Remember (and I know it is hard). Your only responsibility at this point is to your child (and to of course living up to the agreement that you made with the birth mom). Whenever I make decisions about "openness" stuff, I really try to say, "Would DD be happy/upset if she heard of this when she is old enough to understand?" I find it helps guide me a little bit!!

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

One big question is...do you have a legally binding agreement? If this is the case, you should probebly stick with the outline of the contract. Also, if you have an agreement, does it include the bio-gparents? I would sit and explain your position and your comfort levels. It is important that YOUR comfort is respected as well. I think as adoptive parents we get a feeling of not wanting to deny bio families their unspoken "entitlement" to the child...this too can lead to an unhealthy environment for the child.

[HBV]

Lovebeingmommy, I hear you---we too have bgrandparents (on both sides) that seem more interested than the bparents at this point (at least until recently), and our contact levels are similar to what you describe, maybe even a little more. Plus, in our case, the families must be seen separately. I have been trying to taper off the grandparent visits a bit, though I am very proactive about sending photos and e-mail updates to them.

What's driving my decision is that we do need some time and space---this is just too much to manage with 2 (actually 3, bdad's parents are divorced) sets of grandparents. BUT----I do feel obligated to keep up some visits---we agreed to that at the outset and we have some special circumstances that make it appropriate in our case. I don't ever want H to think we kept him from seeing these folks, and I want him to grow up understanding that we honor our agreements.

Here's my .02 on your situation---I wouldn't "transfer" visits to the grandparents. I'd be inclined to make an agreement with the grandparents with whatever you're comfortable with so you don't have constant pushing by grandma---because she's probably not going to go away now that she's formed an attachment to the child.

I would be pretty firm with them about what you're comfortable with in terms of names---that should be your decision. We use first names with the bgrandparents and bparents.

I'll tell you---for all that I am a strong advocate of the open arrangement, and we have managed to make this into a pretty healthy relationship (all things considered,) it has heavily influenced my thinking on whether we'll adopt again. I think it is valuable for our son to have these relationships w/ his birthfamilies, but I just cannot see how I could possibly manage another set of people who needed the same level of openness.

[lovebeingmommy]

I feel the same way with thinking about another-- really pushing for an int'l adoption next time around.... thanks!

[loveajax]

HBV and LoveBeingMommy,

I am contemplating adopting again and these same thoughts have crossed my mind. It makes me "question" my openness arrangement (which actually I really like, and has gone smoothly) that I don't know that I can juggle another open adoption. I'm glad to hear that I am not the only one!

[lovebeingmommy]

I received an e-mail from the bmom yesterday I'll quote pieces of it for you all..... guess I wasn't alone in my feelings!! Here's from the bmom:
"it seems to me that my mom is somewhat pushy and overbearing when it comes to things with A, and I want you to know that you don't have to do anything that you don't want to. A is your daughter and you simply have to let my mom know if she is being to pushy. And maybe I'm wrong, maybe your ok with how things are. but I don't want you to feel like you have to allow my mom to see A or anything. If this is something that you guys feel is an issue, then let me know and maybe we can all sit down with my mom and address this. I just have this small fear that my mom is being too pushy and is going to eventually push you guys away from them and i, and that is something that i don't want to happen."
Her e-mail made me smile yesterday!!

[loveajax]

Love, omg, your child's birth mom got it, eh? That's great!!!

[HBV]

What a great e-mail---she sounds like a very intuitive woman.

[Peanut]

We have three open adoptions. With our oldest child's b-mom declined further visits so we transfered them to her parents. Thats has worked out well since the birth grand-parents also went on to legally adopt our daughter's three older birth-sibs.
Our middle child's b-mom was unable to visit for most of the first 2 years and during that time we visited with the birth great-grandma and became very close. My other kids also call her "Granny" even though she is only middle child's birthfamily. Now that we are again able to visit with b-mom of middle child it works great because she is also living with "Granny" right now.
For my son I often feel sad because his birth grand-mothers live a world away in another country. We have had an occasional email from one. Both the birth grand-fathers had passed on before our son was born. I wish he could have the same opportunities the girls have had.
I think grandmas & grandpas are something you can never really have too many of. Let the grandparents know that you need time to process how comfortable you are with them visiting, but don't close your mind to it so early on. You may find after the difficult adjustment that you have found some wonderful common ground in loving your daughter.