[lovebeingmommy]

Thanks for the input. I haven't emailed the bgrandparents or the bmom back yet, they proabably think i'm ignoring them. I'm not-- just processing what I dare say to any of them. I think it proabably is best that I just come out and say I need time. Right now I'm feeling like saying-- we agreed to 2 visits per year with the bmom originally-- she's not pushing and I kinda feel like she's being respectful. I don't know.... I'd like to have the same type agreement with them. I don't know. I need to write the letters to both bmom & bdad today too.... AGH!!
I'm sure things will be different as A gets older, etc...

[HBV]

I was rereading a section in THE OPEN ADOPTION EXPERIENCE (Lois Melina) last night about this---if you don't have that book, I highly recommend it. Apparently it's very common for bgrandparents to be more involved than bparents at first---they aren't trying to process grief on the same level as the bparent, so the contact isn't as difficult for them.

Melina makes some good points about why you might want to have that contact with the extended family and how to handle setting boundaries.

[michellemartin]

I want to say, as a birthmother, visits are very important to me. Yet I rarely ask for one (no set schedule). To my daughters parents, I might seem like I dont mind not seeing her for nearly a year, but I do. I miss her. I dont show how much I want the visits because I fear that if they know how much they mean to me, I will see her less and hear less from the ap's.

So, if your childs biomom is seeming a bit distant about visits, she may not truely feel that way. She might, but then she might just be not showing you how much she does care out of fear that too intense of emotion will scare you away.

And the last thing that most firstmom's I've talked to want, is to have contact cut off or diminished.

[loveajax]

Love, take as much time/reflection as you need to figure it out. I sometimes find that when I am "responding" to others' pain (as I am sure birth family, gparents, etc.are dealing with), I tend to think I need to "remedy" that immediately. But I think it is important to realize that if you create a situation that causes you stress, etc., that may not be best for your family or your child in the long run. And it sounds like you know you want to have a relationship with them, just that you want to set some boundaries. (And obviously things can be so fluid).

Hang in there, Karen

[Sun8]

First I would like to say that Tobeafamily's post in this thread on the 4 th of jan. brought tears to my eyes.
An adopted child could ask for no more than that from a parent, whether an aparent or bparent. The post was touching as it hits the heart of the needs of an adopted child thru the years and BRAVO to you... Tobeafamily!
As a child I would have done anything to know my grandparents, my genetic link to the past.
MY children, tho I had no idea how much they were effected by their mom being adopted finally told me how much it would have meant to them to know their grandparents and greatgrand parents after contact was made to my bmom.
Do what you need to so you can have a comfortable life, but please please keep the lines of communication open so when your child is ready, needing and looking ( their children as well ) they have access to thier bfamily. Choices made today effect our kids for a lifetime and their children, so please look to the future and what they will need in the long run.
Just my opinion from the adoptee side,
thanks for listening.
Lori