[ContactChar]

I'm not sure what I should do. One month ago, yesterday, I returned the beautiful infant I hoped to adopt after her birthmom/mom revoked her consent. (Note: please don't flame me for the reference. I considered T to be the birthmom once she signed the relinquishment papers-- for several days, right or wrong, I was mom as far as I am concerned.) I have grieved in a way I never thought possible. After 2 false starts, I have finally found a therapist I feel comfortable with, and have even had a few days (not back-to-back) when I didn't cry at all! Through it all, all I could think was that I would give anything to hold my little girl again and tell her how much I love her.

A week ago, T called. She asked how I was doing, let me know the baby was doing fine, and asked if I wanted to be her godmother. She talked about me possibly keeping her some weekends, and/or for a couple of weeks during the summer. She invited me to her baby shower, which was held on the baby's 1 month birthday.

I was over the moon with excitement. I had imagined going through my entire life without ever seeing her again, and T was offering me much, much more than I could have wished for. I went to the shower, loaded down with gifts from myself and various family members. Most of T's family were gracious and friendly. The baby looked beautiful and healthy. The visit was so incredibly hard that I don't know what to do.

I thought I might have a hard time, but I never imagined how difficult it would be to see the baby as someone else's daughter (even if the other person is her mom). I felt like I was watching life through a split screen-- there was the little girl I love and dream about, and there was a little girl who looked just like her, but was somebody else with a completely different life and a completely different future. There were a lot of little girls at the shower-- cousins, etc., so I felt like I was able to see who she would be as she aged. They were all sweet, funny, loving kids. They just weren't the same kids they would be if they were raised in my family. The evening involved shock after shock to my system. . . the first being that T had changed the baby's name. When I spoke with her on the phone earlier, she used the name I gave her, so I had no idea she had changed it. T kept saying "my baby" over and over (as in " why is my baby's swing moving so fast" or "bring me my baby's pacifier) and even though I know, I know, I KNOW she IS her baby, it felt like a punch in the gut every time. The harshest sting was when T's grandmother said a prayer for the "transactions that occured to bring [the baby] home to her family, where she belongs." It was all I could do not to break down crying.

T called me on Thursday and asked if I wanted to take the baby this weekend, while she went out of town for a shopping trip. I was heading out of town myself, and couldn't do it. But the truth is, I don't know when I'll be ready to see her again. I don't know what benefit, if any there is to the baby to continue an open relationship with me. If I continue, it would only be for me (as far as I can tell), and I'm wondering if maybe it's not the healthy choice I thought it would be.

Any advice?

Char

[dmca]

Perhaps you can keep things cool for a while, while you attempt to heal.
This must be horrible for you. I'm sure that you will in time be able to see the child and her family without feeling such immense loss and pain.
Trying to "push" it along by having her for days or a week at a time, especially when this is so fresh, is a mistake, in my opinion. Give yourself some time to heal, and make sure you tell the mother all this that you have shared with us. I KNOW she will understand and still be friends while you do some serious healing.
I'm so happy you are getting some professional help about this. YOu deserve to be happy, you know and the therapy will allow you to again, one day.
Any time it gets too much, just post on here. NObody is going to judge you and we will be a friend to you.
BIG BIG BIG hugs
dmca

[ContactChar]

Thanks for your response. I really wanted to explain how I was feeling when we spoke last, but I wasn't able to find the words-- well, really I was barely able to talk at all. Hopefully, I'll be better at it next time we speak.

[msdesi]

I'm usually very pro-birthmom, since I am one. But in this case...

Be careful. Don't let her make a babysitter out of you. This is not fair to you. I cannot imagine what the birthmom's motives are for maintaing a relationship. I would certainly hate to think she might be trying to use you...I hope that's not the case. Ok, she exercised her right to revoke. But now she needs to step up to the plate and be that mom and allow you to heal and move on.

[DianeScraps]

Hugs! Baby showers have been about the worst thing I have ever dealt with as it is, add in your siltuation and I know I, personally, could not have done it.

I agree, don't let yourself be made the baby sitter.

[Vogi2002]

I'm shocked that you had the strength to get through that. As much as it would appease you to know she is healthy...I think you need to take time to heal. DO NOT let her take advantage of you like she (IMO only) might be or might do in the future. I would create some space there and focus on YOU. YOU need to grieve the loss of YOUR baby (even though it was just YOURS for thse few days). I hope this helps....

Natalie

[bromanchik]

I, unlike the others, do not see this lady trying to take advantage of you, rather, I see her as offering this contact thinking it will help you with your pain of losing the baby. After all, this is what she would have wanted from an open adoption, in her mind, why would you not want the same?

You need to be honest if this is too hard for you, but please do not assume the worst intentions for her offering it.

[ContactChar]

Since my post was already so long, I didn't get into this, but it did occur to me that she reached out (at least in part) because she knew that she would need a break sometimes. Her original reason for placing was that she already had a 1-1/2 and 2-1/2 year old, and didn't think she could raise a new baby at the same time. So I imagine she views this as a win-win situation (I get to see the baby, she gets to parent the baby and have a break sometimes).

My initial thought was- that's fine! I don't want the baby to suffer from the inattention or frustration of a mom who's at her wit's end. And I miss her immensely. If I can get to see her sometimes AND offer some relief to T, maybe we CAN all win. I guess, although I imagined it would be hard to leave her at the end of a visit, I never imagined how hard the actual visit itself would be. As I read posts by birthmoms 1, 5, 20 even 40 years after relinquishment, and I hear the lingering pain in their posts, I wonder if I am up for a lifetime of reopening wounds. I am all for open adoption, because it gives the child the opportunity to know where she's come from and where she may go (health, looks, personality-wise, etc.). To me, that is worth the pain. I'm not sure this is, especially if it never lessens. Of course, it's not like I was anywhere near pain-free before I had the chance to see her, either. I don't know that I'm up for a lifetime of never seeing her again, either. So instead of win-win, I feel caught in more of a lose-lose situation.

I also feel an urgency to my decision. I don't want to create a situation where T cuts me off from contact because I seem flaky or unresponsive. My therapist urges me to take my time and decide for myself what type of relationship I want to have. That's what I'm trying to do. . . but I just don't know what it is!

Thanks for letting me ramble.

Char

[ContactChar]

Originally Posted by bromanchik

I, unlike the others, do not see this lady trying to take advantage of you, rather, I see her as offering this contact thinking it will help you with your pain of losing the baby. After all, this is what she would have wanted from an open adoption, in her mind, why would you not want the same?

Actually, she was afraid of too much openness (thinking it might be too painful). She originally agreed to letters and pictures, only because the agency pushed her hard. I let her know (and they let her know) that I was open to visits, and she finally decided at the hospital that she would be open to 2 visits a year. When she invited me to the shower, she told me she would understand if I thought it would be too hard. I don't think her motives are bad, but it doesn't really matter. For me, there's pain either way.

[skilack]

Char- I am so sorry you are going thru this. I can't pretend to know exactly how you feel. We have a very similar situation. I was reading your post last night and thought wow sounds like us.

Our story goes like this. We had a family member come to us at 10 weeks pregnant and ask if we would be interested in adopting her baby. This was her number 5. The last three are 3 kids under 2 1/2. After thinking about it for a while(we weren't planning on adopting at that time) we said yes. We had no reason to believe she would change her mind. She was very clear on her plan. The day "L" was born she changed her mind. We totally understood her decision. The way everything went down was horrible. I too had cried a lot durning that time. We have three children who also had to go thru the grieving process. A long story there. Five months after L was born she came back to us. She had changed her mind about parenting and would we take L. This time we said no. Most of our friends don't even know about that. We just felt at that time her other children had bonded with L. I just thought it would be too hard on the children. They saw her as their sister(the way it should be).THere were someother reasons as well. We ended up having L for visits. Sometimes for a week at a time. I have to tell you it was really hard sometimes. The last time we had L Hubby said do you ever think L could have been our child? I try not to think about that. They have now moved out of state. We don't get to see them anymore.

I have to be honest,I wouldn't take L for visits if it wasn't for the fact we are family. I don't want L to ever know Mom was going to place. JMO. I want the very best life for L even if it isn't with us. KWIM? L is now three so we have been dealing with this for a while. I have photos of L in our house and it doesn't hurt as much anymore.

I think you have to find what works best for you. What makes you hurt less. I hope some day you find peace.

[Vogi2002]

Char - I just don't think I would be able to see this child until I was fully healed (if that is possible). There IS a difference between you and if you were a bmom with visits. YOU are not that child's mother, and have no connection anymore (except for those heartbreaking days, I don't mean this as rude). A bmom in open adoption will ALWAYS be the child's mother (that connection could not be broken), gave birth to the child, spent 9 months with the child....does that make sense?

I guess what I'm saying is you are not obligated to do anything (unless you want to of course, but I think you know this). But if you DO want to, I would tell her that you want to see the child WITH HER there. That way she is there to "take care of the child" and you can spend time having fun with her, more like a grandparent or aunt situation than a "Babysitter" per say. IMO, she shouldn't be dumping her baby on you for a whole weekend (or anyone when the baby is that young) anyways....

I hope this helps..I mean none of it rudely or bluntly...I'm just worried you feel "obligated" in some way...

Natalie

[ContactChar]

Thank you for sharing your story. What a difficult ordeal this must have been for you. I can only imagine that the additional factors of the impact on your children, and the fact that she is a family member made things even more complicated.

When you say that you would not have done the visits if L weren't family, is that only because you don't want her to know Mom considered placing? I ask because I think that T plans to only tell the baby that I am her godmother, and leave it at that. Also, you said that the visits were hard sometimes. Did they get better over time? Sorry if I'm being too intrusive. . . I just didn't think I'd actually come close to running across someone who experienced a similar situation!

Thanks,

Char

[ContactChar]

Originally Posted by Runyan2002

There IS a difference between you and if you were a bmom with visits. YOU are not that child's mother, and have no connection anymore (except for those heartbreaking days, I don't mean this as rude). A bmom in open adoption will ALWAYS be the child's mother (that connection could not be broken), gave birth to the child, spent 9 months with the child....does that make sense?

I don't mean to compare myself exactly to a birthmom, because of course I have no biological connection to her-- it was just the closest analogy I could find. I would disagree with the notion that I have no connection anymore. Once I loved her as my daughter, I simply loved her. Her entire life flashed before me, and I loved every moment of it. My love hasn't diminished with her being gone. It grows every day, as if she were still here. My big fear in maintaining contact is not that I'll be asked to do things that only a mother should have to do, but that I'll WANT to do those things, because I can't stop feeling like I am her mother too. I guess that's the part I need to work on first.

Char

[loveajax]

Char,

My gosh. I have never heard of a situation like this, and I just wanted to say that I am sorry that you are struggling with this issue. I honestly don't know what the "right" thing for you is. I guess the only "analogy" I can make is that I always worry that my DD' s birth parents some day may want to "close" contact (I don't know why I fear this, I have no reason to think this except that their families do not know that they had DD or that she was adopted, and I worry that the cat will "be out of the bag" if we continue visits because they have a daughter who will be 4 years old next time we visit....will they tell her that DD is her birth sister, etc. and "risk" having her say something to other family members, etc.). Anyway, my point is that once there is an open relationship, I think you would have to be committed to it staying open essentially for life. That may be great or it may be hard.

I know there is no "replacing" one child with another, but will you want to be in this relationship when you have another child (I assume you are still planning to adopt)?

Anyway, I hope that you come to a decision that is best for you and for this little girl. Take good care of yourself. Karen

[mom2GRLC]

Char I've experienced a similiar situation like this several times.

First time I had fostered this baby girl from the time she was 4 months-11months. She was our first foster baby and it was likley she would come up for adoption. Her reasons fro coming into care were horrific. Anyways it turned out she was placed with her great grantmother but her mother the abuser was still pretty much her care-taker. I had mixed feelings when she went home, but I tried to be happy that she could remain with her bio-family and her culture(she was black we were white). Her family offered to have us babysit everynow and then or take her for a weekend. I was so excited at first that she would allow me to still be in her life. But 2 weeks after she was placed back with them they came over to visit us and I saw things that were not easy to see....it was too hard for ME to see MY baby being raised by the young teen mom who had abused her so badly. Then she started talking about me maybe watching her everyday while she was at work or maybe keeping her for the weekends(like every weekend). It was then that I had to just say no ...to everything. I couldn't have MY baby in MY home every day or every weekend yet not be her Mom. I also felt like they would be taking advantage of me and my love for their child. I just didn't think it was healthy for the child, me or the family. Plus, I felt if they got her back than they should have to take care of her....and not depend on me.

Another time was an infant we got that we were told was coming up for adoption then 2 months later we get a call right after court that she was going hom and they were on their way to pick her up. I was so upset and hurt and angry and fearful of what her life would be like given the parents history. I barely got a chance to say goodbye to her and my husband didn't even get to find out she left until after the fact. We asked if we could meet with them in a couple weeks to give them some pictures that we needed to develope and for my husband to get a chance to say goodbye to her. they agrees, but when we went to see her I felt even worse about the situation. I had hoped seeing her with her family would help me realize God has a purpose and plan and that this wa her plan but it didn't it only made me more upset and angry and made me mourn her loss so much more. I knew I could never see her again....unless she came back into fostercare and I could be her mother again. I've kept track of her these last couple years asking the social worker how she is doing and I keep hearing horrible things and how there is no doubt she will be back in fostercare at some point in time. It's just awful to think of the life she is having and how we could have provided so much better for her.

Another case is with a little girl we had for a few months when she was 9-12 months. The case was not looking so good and the only one who could get custody of her was her grandmother but her grandmother wasn't sure what she was going to do. She saw how strongly her grandbaby was bonded to us and she was already raising her other grandson and didn't want to raise another grand baby. Well, it turned out she did take custody of her. Then just a few months ago my daughter happened to be on the same team as this grandma and her grandson were on. We'd see each other and talk 3 times a week for several weeks. She no longer had the baby girl we had fostered. She had her for about a year and then her birthmom got her act together and was able to get her back. So her mother abnd our sweet little girl would come to the games and some of the practices as well. I can not tell you how hard it was for me to see MY little girl. She was 2 years older than when I had last seen her but she looked the same. I was happy her mother was able to get her back but it was so hard to watch her and think "what might have been". To think "this sweet little girl should have been my daughter,a sister to my children" It was obvious she was being taken care of so I was happy about that. But it was just toooooo difficult to see MY baby growing up and living a completely different life than what she would have lived with us. It hurt to much. They offered to get together and stuff but I never followed through I just didn't see how I could remain in her life without feeling those feelings of that being MY daughter.

There have been other experineces similiar that I have had...but I won't bore you with anymore. I just shared so you can see that it IS very difficult to remain a part of a childs life that you once parented and still long to parent but can't.

I personally don't see how the pain would ever go away. Because yes, while I was happy she was with her mom and bio-family.....the pain will always still be there of "that's MY baby."

I can only imagine just a small portion of what a birthmother in an open adoption must go through and really I don't see how her or her family could ever make it through an open adoption. It must be so incredibly painful.

Then again as anopther poster kinda pointed out. It's like they are given rights to feel that love for that child forever. They are validated in their feelings. Yet for us foster or adopt moms, it's like since we don't have any bio-connection to the children we are just supposed to let them go and never think about them anymore. I don't believe that. I believe that EVERY child that came into my home even for a day.....IS my child and will always be MY child. That doesn't mean that they don't have another mother out there. But that child will remain in my heart and in my family forever wether they remember or not.

I know in my heart that when we are all in heaven we will be re-united and I will give them a big hug and they will KNOW just how much I truly loved them and how much I had always carried them around in my heart and as members of our family.