[Scarlett_A.]

Ooooooh, this sounds like a very sticky situation and (I hate to say) not.a.very.good.idea.

The offer's been made, so really it's up to you to decide if you *do* want a role in her life. Right now it doesn't sound like you are in a place where that would feel comfortable.

You mentioned that she looks "healthy and beautiful" and that is great, I'm glad she is being taken care of, and I certainly support any mother's rights to bring her child back home within the time limit.

But what if........first of all, the "weekend shopping trip" thing kind of frays my nerves a little bit. That's a pretty big luxury, and I'm assuming the baby is pretty small still. I'm not saying all new parents don't deserve some time to themselves and NEED a break (they do, I think every single parent probably needs a break now and then so as not to go a little bit nuts with the full-time job of parenting). But I just can't imagine imposing something like that on ANY of my friends or family, ESPECIALLY with a small infant.

I have a very exceptional daughter (as I'm sure most parents feel about theirs-lol), but when she was very small, I became a single mom to her and her older brother (their dad left when she was about 2 months old, and although he helped *some*, I was for all intents and purposes mostly parenting on my own). My daughter, for whatever reason, has *always* attracted "mentors", older women who just see something in her that they love (as do I-she is just such an attractive child, spiritually, personality-wise, she's just wonderful and such a crack-up). This week her new Kindergarten teacher told me after 3 days of teaching that she just felt like she had known dd for lifetimes, that she was so thrilled to have her. When she was in daycare when she was little, two particular women who had her in their classes just couldn't get enough of her. They knew I was a single mom and practically *fought* with each other, because they would each offer to take her for a night, on a couple of occassions the entire weekend. I felt like I had won the lottery, not only because they cared about her so much, but because it gave me a chance to have a break where I really didn't have family and friends that I would impose myself and my child on like that. My point is, I never had to *ask* them, they *offered*, and occassionally I took them up on it. In *YOUR* case, you haven't offered......this is being asked of you, and I don't know how fair that is to any of you at the moment.

For one thing, you mentioned " They just weren't the same kids they would be if they were raised in my family. " What if this gets to the point where you are feeling really resentful towards her about parenting choices she's making? I think there are a lot of different parenting styles out there, none better or worse than any other, but certainly different and a lot of people feel very strongly about their own parenting style. What if it gets to the point where you really strongly feel like she she be with you and not her mother? What if her mom leaves her on so many occassions that you start to think she should have just *been* there with you in the first place, full-time, and that the *mom* should be the one visiting, not you? I'm not saying this WILL happen, and I'm not trying to desparage the mom at ALL by wondering this (I'm glad she's parenting her child), but what IF?

In all reality, and I really hate to even wonder aloud the possibility......this has potential to become a REALLY messy legal situation depending on how often she leaves her child with you. In my state, ANYONE can file an adoption petition for ANY child. The obvious here, is that if it's totally unreasonable, the judge would dismiss the petition right away and leave custody with the parents. But what becomes a really hazy shade of grey is, that in an adoption petition they can consider "third-party caretakers", "bonds children have formed with third-parties", and presumption of parenthood can be overcome by a showing that a parent doesn't show the general sympathy toward a child that they should. Now, the laws vary in every state, I have no idea what yours are. But what if you find yourself caring for this child as much as her mother, and decide to take legal action? What if signs of abuse or neglect begin to pop up, like any reasonable citizen you'd probably feel inclined to call CPS if that DID happen. It probably WON'T, because it sounds like she's doing a good job of parenting her other children. But what if it did? What kind of situation would that child then be in, and you, and her mom?

Also.......I didn't notice if you have any other children, but *she* does. Her kids are young enough that they may not even understand fully what has taken place, or that their sister was about to be adopted out. But at some point they might realize this, kids pick up on so much stuff. They might wonder who this lady is that their little sister always goes to see, if they "get a clue" they might clue her in in a few years that *you* were the woman who was going to adopt her. How will that make her feel? I don't know, there's no way of predicting that. She'll probably feel glad that she's with her mom, but she may also wonder WHY her mom is constantly leaving her in your care. The again, it might NOT turn out like that, who knows?

These are just some of the things that come to mind, I hope they make sense. The bottom line is, you have the power to say yes or no, and I think you should go with your heart, even if that seems like the most painful thing to do. If you can't do it now, but maybe want to later, then I don't see any reason why you couldn't take a break for yourself, and let her know you need some time.

I do hear this in open adoption, how many aparents feel like the "babysitter" (I don't always think that's a fair assessment in every case-I think some aparents just want to never have to deal with thinking about the fact that a child was actually born to someone else-but that's a different story for a different thread), but I can't imagine any reason on this earth why ANY person, whether they had ties once in an "adoption" or not, would want to feel taken advantage of, and like an unpaid babysitter, it doesn't seem right. I am a very generous person, and I have reached out to many single mothers offering to help at little or no fee before (because I have felt so lucky to have the people in my life I have had to get me through the tough times). You're darn right, if a woman called me in tears, saying she didn't have anywhere to take her child, didn't have any money to pay, and HAD to get to work, I'd say, "Bring em on over!" But if a woman who is perfectly capable called me and said, "Gosh, I don't have any money to pay you, but my hubby and I are going to the beach for a long weekend, can you watch the kids?" I'd be livid. Uh.......no. I mean, honestly if it were a single mom and she was going out of her head with an infant and was in tears and needed a break, I'd probably say yes, even if she wasn't going to work. But to say, "Hey, I'm going on a shopping excursion, wanna watch the baby?" It seems rather insensitive and heartless. KWIM? But it really depends on *you*, your boundaries, and your comfort level in involving yourself in this. If you were totally comfortable with being the "mentor", "godmother", and it didn't bother you at all, you were just happy to be there for her where you could, then I'd say go for it. But right NOW, it doesn't sound like that's the case.
So do what you must to protect YOU and your heart. Her mom has chosen to parent, and that's great. But that also means that it is NOT your responsibility to watch out for this little girl's heart, life, sould, mind, body IF YOU DON'T WANT TO, or can't for *whatever* reason.
Good Luck.

[skilack]

char- you aren't being intrusive at all. I was surprised other people have been thru this. When we were going thru this I thought we were the only ones.

The main reason I wouldn't have taken L for visits(if we weren't family) was I didn't want L to know how I know her Mom. KWIM?

It was hard at first to see L as a baby. We started thinking about the what ifs. It did get easier for us. But like I said we are in the same family.We have to make it work. I really don't know if I could have done that if we weren't family. We have been ok with everything until recently. We found out just before they moved the Mom is having #6!!!! She is going thru a custody battle with two of the fathers. Not L's dad. I just started thinking the what ifs again. I would rather not know some of this stuff, to be honest with you.

But like I said you have to do what is right for you. What might work for you,might not work for me. Or vice versa.

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by msdesi

I'm usually very pro-birthmom, since I am one.

This woman is not a birthmother, she is a mother.

[ContactChar]

Mom2GRLC- there's so much in your post that spoke to me. . .

Originally Posted by mom2GRLC

Then she started talking about me maybe watching her everyday while she was at work or maybe keeping her for the weekends(like every weekend). It was then that I had to just say no ...to everything. I couldn't have MY baby in MY home every day or every weekend yet not be her Mom.

This is what I'm afraid of. I would love to have her here, for any amount of time. I just don't know how to stop wanting to be her mom.

I also felt like they would be taking advantage of me and my love for their child. I just didn't think it was healthy for the child, me or the family. Plus, I felt if they got her back than they should have to take care of her....and not depend on me.

I struggle with this as well. Is it really taking advantage if I get the benefit of spending time with her? Also, even if I feel angry about being taking advantage of, if it benefits the baby, shouldn't I be able to put that resentment aside?

I had hoped seeing her with her family would help me realize God has a purpose and plan and that this wa her plan but it didn't it only made me more upset and angry and made me mourn her loss so much more.

I don't know what's God's purpose was in this, although I was able to see how much her whole family loves each other. That should have been reassuring, but it wasn't. Seeing the family together just made the whole thing more real, and more crushing.

I can not tell you how hard it was for me to see MY little girl. She was 2 years older than when I had last seen her but she looked the same. I was happy her mother was able to get her back but it was so hard to watch her and think "what might have been". To think "this sweet little girl should have been my daughter,a sister to my children" It was obvious she was being taken care of so I was happy about that. But it was just toooooo difficult to see MY baby growing up and living a completely different life than what she would have lived with us. It hurt to much. They offered to get together and stuff but I never followed through I just didn't see how I could remain in her life without feeling those feelings of that being MY daughter.

I personally don't see how the pain would ever go away. Because yes, while I was happy she was with her mom and bio-family.....the pain will always still be there of "that's MY baby."

I'm afraid as well that I'll never be able to get past seeing her as my daughter, and never be able to just love the little girl she is and will become (instead of the little girl who "should have been.") Does that make sense? How do I integrate the two?

Then again as anopther poster kinda pointed out. It's like they are given rights to feel that love for that child forever. They are validated in their feelings. Yet for us foster or adopt moms, it's like since we don't have any bio-connection to the children we are just supposed to let them go and never think about them anymore. I don't believe that. I believe that EVERY child that came into my home even for a day.....IS my child and will always be MY child. That doesn't mean that they don't have another mother out there. But that child will remain in my heart and in my family forever wether they remember or not.

That too is a big part of my grief. I need to know that I have some meaning in her life. That's why I jumped at the idea of being a godmother-- I had a title, a role. I feel like, when I gave her back, it was because I didn't have a choice. I'm given a second chance now to have some ongoing connection to her life. It's a chance I've prayed for. How can I say no?