[gagal]

I need advice- We are adopting our son through a private adoption (the birthmother was a babysitter for us and I know her well). We have had open communication and birthmom has been very appropriate with calls etc. (we now live in different states) and I've felt totally fine witht the communication we've had over the last 6 months. We are finalizing our son's adoption this week in the state where he was born, and we are planning to see the birthmom and her family. Birthmom asked me this morning if she could have some "alone time" with the baby (he's 6 mo)-- meaning she doesn't want me to stay for the visit (or at least part of it). I am not comfortable with this at this point, even though I know her well and know and know nothing would happen... I am trying to be compassionate, trying to put myself in her shoes...Any experience with this? Advice? Help!

[BrandyHagz]

You said she was a babysitter for you? So you've trusted her in the past with your other children...you just don't trust her with the one she gave birth to?

Can you identify your fears and address them? Are you concerned she will run away with the child? Has she given you any reason not to trust her?

I've spent plenty of alone time with my daughter - its never been a concern...

I think you need to identify your fears and deal with them - especially knowing that you've trusted her with your other children (I assume, since you said she'd baby sat for you in the past).

[michellesnook]

Well, what is that you are most afraid of? You *know* she won't hurt the baby right? And you *know* she isn't going to run off with him. Can you try to put into word *what* you are worried about? That might help you find a comprimise...Like maybe you'd be willing to visit with her family while she spends some alone time in her bedroom? I don't know...that way you don't have to say "no" but you'll still be comfortable..

Michelle

[wordtrix]

I know it's scary, but this is normal. I'm a birth mom who placed my daughter in a semi-open adoption in August 2000 and I had nursery visits at the maternity home. It was important to me to spend time with my daughter, take pictures, and hold her. This time will assist the birth mom in the grieving process later on down the road, believe me because if she doesn't get to do it now, she will feel cheated later.

Terri

[timni]

As an adoptive mom let me tell you I know dd bmom VERY well and trust her w/ dd no problem but in the beginning I had the same reservations. Irrational yes but still there. Just breathe and try and relax. Your baby cannot be taken from you physically or emotionally. Let the bmom have her alone time even if it means you sit in the living room by yourself and read a book (or pretend to anyway) Just tell her you don't feel comfortable being away from your baby yet. That is a normal mom thing. It shouldn't mean you are uncomfortable with her. You can get through this. Your baby needs her bmom in her life. This is something you can make or break so my advice is to just take it slow and breathe and you will see it will get easier. I promise.

[Leigh131313]

Personally, i think if you aren't comfortable then don't. But you do have to buck-up and tell her You may have to deal with some tough questions and feelings from her.

The reason I say this, is because there was a time when I did not leave my child with anyone. For me, it was my way of bonding and caring for my child, it was important to ME . Just because we adopt our children, does not make our parenting philosophies and comfort levels different.

Now, if the only reason you are worried is because she is the "birthmom" you probably need to do some soul searching and figure some feelings out.

But if after that, you still are uncomfortable...I wouldn't do it.

[jaenelle]

If you don't feel comfortable with it, you shouldn't feel you have to do it. Period.

[SchmennaLeigh]

She had enough hutzpah to tell you that she wanted alone time so you need to be upfront and honest with her in your reasoning as to why. Of course, that may come across as skewed if it's only because she's the child's firstmother when you have previously entrusted her with the care of your other children. She may pick up on the insecurity and feel it as a direct insult. She needs an honest answer. Search through your own emotions before responding.

[HappyTwinsMom]

I'm not sure I have any advice for you, but I can tell you our story. We adopted our daughters in a semi-open arrangement at their birth in 2001. In our "contact agreement" (not legally binding in the state they were born, but morally and ethically binding to us), birthmom requested one face-to-face visit when the babies were six months old. She wanted to see for herself that the girls were bonding and were connected to us, etc...

I was petrified. We had not yet finalized (that happened about three weeks after the visit) and I was so new to the idea of openness in adoption that I didn't know what to think. Our social worker set up the visit...we chose a church, so it would be private (as opposed to a restaurant or something) and we expected birthmom to show up with her boyfriend (not the babies' father) and her older daughter. She came with about 25 family members and friends in tow. I'll be honest here and say that really raised my anxiety level.

We were all in a large room together and the babies were passed around so everyone could meet them and hold them. My hubby and I sat (tensely) on a sofa and just watched what was going on. Tried not to interfere, and just let things take their course. Fortunately for my mental health, our social worker and agency director were there, too. They both kept reassuring me there was nothing at all to worry about.

And you know what, they were right! When one of my daughters started to fuss about an hour into the visit, birthmom came to me snuggling the baby and said "Go with Mommy now!" My daughter snuggled into my neck and went to sleep. She knew I was her Mommy and felt safe and secure at that point. And birthmom was strong enough to be able to acknowledge my role without it taking something away from her. After all, as she says, she chose to place the babies...we didn't force her into it.

That would be my reason for not leaving while birthmom visits with the baby. For the baby's sense of security. Your the mom he knows and he made need you at some point. But I do think the idea of being in a different room is good. You're available, but you're not intruding on some time she needs to grieve and process whatever else is going on for her.

Good luck with your decision! And, remember...breathe!

[awaitingagirl]

Good post HappyTwins.

[katlyn]

I am a birthmom, and even though I did not have an open adoption, I did have a c-section and was in the hospital for four days....all of which I spent as much time with my baby as I could. I knew that this was a very scary time for her aparents, especially her mom.

It was important to me to spend time with my daughter, take pictures, and hold her. This time will assist the birth mom in the grieving process later on down the road, believe me because if she doesn't get to do it now, she will feel cheated later.

This is exactly how I felt, but I reassured everyone and her parents that I was NOT going to change my mind, I still believed what I was doing was right, I just had to do what my heart was telling me. I can only imagine what you are feeling, but I am a mother as are you and from a mothers point of view, I can relate and I agree that if you trusted her to sit for you child(ren) before, I would think there would be no need for worry now. However that being said, it's easier to say you should be ok with it when your emotions(worries and concerns) make it hard. I wish you the best and hope that you find peace with whatever you decide.

[gagal]

Terri,
Thanks so much for your insight-- You are right!
Brigid

[gagal]

Thank you all so much--Your input and different perspectives have been amazingly helpful!! We are getting together with bmom tomorrow and finalization for the adoption will happen Thursday am, so I am going to put the situation in God's hands and think about all the great advice, encouragement that you all have offered me. This is our first adoption, so this was my first of probably many "sticky" situations for us- I definitely feel grateful I've discovered this site. I'll update you after the meeting-- Thanks again!!
Brigid

[Leigh131313]

I'm so glad you came here to look for advice/suggestions. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at this visit, most of the time the build up is the bad part You are going to be fine, enjoy yourself!! This visit is not just about her wanting to see "the baby" she wants to see your whole family, I'm sure


Take care, and please update us

[SchmennaLeigh]

Build up is the bad part. ENJOY your day. Congrats!