[faimlyguyma]

Has anyone experienced a birthmother who has been really intrusive? We agreed to one visit per year with our birthmother and at the time we made that agreeemnt she knew that we were hesitant to agree to any visits, but thought it might be in a baby's best interests and agreed to one visit per year. After our son was born she became more demanding and there was a waiting period before she could give up her rights. During this period she requested that our agreement include phone communications. We felt like we had to agree, but were somewhat concerned because the adoption happened quickly and we really are still getting to know one another. When are son was born we had to stay near the birthmother for two weeks while the legal paperwork cleared. She demanded daily visits for long periods (4-10 hours) even though we weren't sleeping and wanted time of our own to bond with our son. She also made us cart him around so that she could show him off to people including to her other son's school (note: we were horrified that about the prospect of a 3-day old baby being exposed to all the germs that exist in an elementary school) and we felt powerless to say anything. She also requested that we come back and visit 4 months later. Even before that visit she was dropping hints for additional visits this spring. In fact, she asked for or made hints for visits in every conversation we have had except for the last one. We have bitten our tongues because our adoption agent didn't want us to hurt her feelings and we didn't want to hurt her feelings because we can't imagine how difficult it must be for her, but now we feel like she thinks we are her family and hasn't been that respectful of our agreement. It also seems like she wants our attention more than she wants to keep updated on our son, but we are willing to give her the benefit of doubt on this. Have any of you had similar experiences and what have you done? We really want to be fair to her and to our son, but at this point we do not look forward to her calls. It's so hard because you agree to terms without even knowing whether you really like eachother and to us contractually setting the boundaries of a relationship and not having discussed our concerns with our son's birthmother is making it very difficult to establish a successful relationship.

thank you for your thoughts

[SchmennaLeigh]

During this period she requested that our agreement include phone communications. We felt like we had to agree, but were somewhat concerned because the adoption happened quickly and we really are still getting to know one another. When are son was born we had to stay near the birthmother for two weeks while the legal paperwork cleared. She demanded daily visits for long periods (4-10 hours) even though we weren't sleeping and wanted time of our own to bond with our son.

Not to be rude, but that was also her time with him as well. If you were waiting for paperwork to clear, then, legally she had every right to be with him and could have kept him at her house should she have desired. Your comment about the phone call agreement also sounds as though you merely agreed to it so that you could "get" the child. This is where problems with first and adoptive parent relationships begin: when one side does something simply to appease the other or one side does something simply to get something from the other. Open and honest communication, including communication about intention, is the key to making a relationship work.

Beyond that, if you're feeling that she is being too "intrusive," you need to set boundaries. Simply tell her that you are uncomfortable with phone calls and more than one visit a year. If she calls you out on dropping the phone calls, saying that you promised it in order to get her child, well, she's not too far off base on this one. However, it is now your right, as the child's parent, to set the boundaries. Firmly, but compassionately, tell her that you're overwhelmed with the level of contact. Remind her that her presence in the child's life is important but, for the time being, you'd like to resort to letters and the one visit a year until you can get into a more secure place in your parenting.

Be prepared for her to be royally ticked off. I would be. However, if you aren't firm with it, it won't change. Best of luck.

[faimlyguyma]

you may have misunderstood some facts. we negotiated our agreement before our son was born. after he was given to us after his birth she requested that the agreement include a way for her to reach us directly rather than through the agency. we never discussed regular phone calls but didn't even mind the thought of them because we liked her a alot when we met her. However, we do mind all the pressure for visits when we were there and on each phone call knowing full well that we only agreed to one visit per year. it is that pressure and not honoring the boundaries to which we agreed that makes the phone calls difficult and the feeling that she is being intrusive.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Nope, I didn't misunderstand you at all. You said:

After our son was born she became more demanding and there was a waiting period before she could give up her rights. During this period she requested that our agreement include phone communications. We felt like we had to agree, but were somewhat concerned because the adoption happened quickly and we really are still getting to know one another.

So, during a time where she has to wait to give up her rights, she decides she wants a way to reach you other than through the agency. She presents it. You agree but only do so because you felt you had to. If you weren't comfortable with changes in communication you should have said so then, even if it would have resulted in her realizing that your family was not the perfect match for her child. Communication in open adoptions ebbs and flows over the years. That's just something you'll come to realize with time. Even when you set your boundaries, which is your right to do and could help alleviate some tension, be prepared for things to change with the years. Your feelings. Her feelings. And, most importantly, the child's feelings.

[faimlyguyma]

i am not saying we have trouble with the idea of of talking on the phone. The phone calls are uncomfortable because during them she has put so much pressure on us for visits knowing that we only agreed to one visit a year. we were NOT being disengenuous. if she honored our agreement and asked about the baby during our calls i would be delighted to talk to her and tell her how he is doing.

[AMom2Two]

faimlyguyma...

Is your child's bmother young? Did she have her family's support. Can you share more?

She sounds like my ds bmom in a sense, young and naive. My ds bmom is a still a teenager. She just doesn't get the whole concept so well. It's not that she means to be intrusive, but she was. We had to take a six month break from her and explain why we felt the way we did. We scheduled another visit but then email each other and tried to work out some of our issues. It was awkward and hard but it needs to be done. You need to rehash things out. My ds bmom went from closed to open by me, to her wanting to visit every month. She was calling herself mommy and referring to my dd bmom as mommy to my dd. It was a horrible visit, but it opened my eye's. I have to step forward here and educate her. She didn't mean anything by it, she was just young and didn't know any better. The hardest thing I had to do was tell her 2 visits a year. She got upset and things got awkward for a little bit, but now they are okay. You have to be honest about what you are comfortable with also.

I would not like phone calls. I'm always busy when someone calls. Can you correspond via email to her. That works best with both of my children's bmom's. That at least gives you some breathing room and space. It sounds like you have to draw a few boundary lines with her. I know it's hard, real uncomfortable, and it feels awkward, but if you can start the relationship off one the right foot, hopefully, the rest will come easier.

Speak up now....

[faimlyguyma]

thanks. i have tried corresponding with her through email, but she seems to prefer phone calls. She is not young and i really think she wanted to adopt a family because she doesn't have a lot of family support. I have not wanted to hurt her feelings but i think i am goign to be direct. It's just really frustrating that we discussed everything before we even met her and then she kept asking for more after we reached agreement. Our most recent conversation was better so hopefully the relationship will improve.

[kelceesmom]

It is a hard place to be in. But bounderies are a key. It sounds like you definately need to put some into place. She will probably be upset and rightfully so. She is hearing one thing while you are hearing another. With a little distance things will settle down and if you are lucky while you are talking about it some things will fall into place. Good luck. I don't envy what you need to go through. But your family needs to get into a routine also.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

She had every right to ask for more after your agreement.... if you were uncomfortable with what she asked for... you should have said as much so that she could find a couple who was NOT uncomfortable with it. Since you agreed, she did not have the opportunity to choose a family to fit what she discovered that she needed.

I will say that my daughters mom and I talk mostly about "stuff" when we talk on the phone and rarely about our daughter. That comes in the letter/pictures that she sends me 3 times a year.

As for the 1 visit a year... was the 4 months later still within the first year... perhaps she meant calendar year not the year being marked at the child's birthday....

You keep talking about your agreement before she even met her child.... how could she know what she would need at that point? It sounds like before the paperwork was all taken care of she made provisions for what she felt she needed and you agreed... so the blame is not soley on her shoulders.

And just remember about you agreeing to phone calls without knowing if you like her... well she chose you to PARENT her child without knowing "if she likes you"... so she probably deserves a little more respect than this .. "It's so hard because you agree to terms without even knowing whether you really like eachother"... after all.. she doesnt have the chance to rethink her decision and the chance she took on you was much deeper than a few unwanted phone calls...

[manni28]

And just remember about you agreeing to phone calls without knowing if you like her... well she chose you to PARENT her child without knowing "if she likes you"... so she probably deserves a little more respect than this .. "It's so hard because you agree to terms without even knowing whether you really like eachother"... after all.. she doesnt have the chance to rethink her decision and the chance she took on you was much deeper than a few unwanted phone calls...

Follow your "gut" feeling-do what's best for your family.Remember your'e the parent!

[mom2GRLC]

I do not think your a bad person or that you lied to her in ANY way. You have followed up on your agreement. She continues to ask for more, when it was known previously you weren't comfortable with it. That's not your fault.

But NOW is the time to set some boundaries. Have you decided on what month or day your first yearly visit will be on? You can either write her or wait until she calls you next. When she asks you when she can see her bchild, help her decide on the date and maybe ask her to start thinking about what she'd like to do on that day. If she asks for a more frequent visits...just tell her that is not what you agreed on and that she is welcome to write as often as she'd like or something in between times. That way your setting some boundaries but also allowing her to feel connected to her bchild as often as she feels the need to communicate.

Whatever way you do it....make sure those boundaries are set..and once they are set....make sure YOU stay FIRM in your decision. That is my hardest part. I've found the only people who can interfere or become intrusive in your life is the ones you allow to.

[faimlyguyma]

to be clear we had discussions prior to the birth of our son as to the type of relationship we envisioned and visitation rights etc. We have always been compleltely open and honest with her. SHe made the determination to move forward with the adoption based upon these discussions and the terms that are reflected in our communication agreement that was presented to the court when she gave up her rights and in court when we adopted her son. We have more than lived up to the terms spelled out in that agreement and since our adoption our birth family has consistently asked for more, particularly visits, which requests have been made in nearly every single communication with her making communications uncomfortable for us (she knew for example that our visit in 2006 constituted our required visit for 2006 and said as much to her social worker and to us). If she wouldn't pressure us for visits all the time and would show some respect for our agreement and our lives we would happily communicate with her regularly, which is not required under our agreement.

For those of you who are first mothers I empathise with your feelings which is why we have been reluctant to say anything but successful relationships are built on mutual trust and respect and she and her family have not shown respect for us or the agreement that we reached. We recently tried to impose some boundaries in a respectful way acknowledging her feelings and her important role in our son's life, but reminding her why we could only agree to one visit per year and asking her and her family to consult us before referring to themselves as "mom," "grandmother" or "grandfather" which i believe is fully within our rights as the adoptive parents.

Some of my comments may have been confusing because i was not only expressing frustration with her, but also clumsily pointing out how diffuclt open adotpion can be. Adoption agents speak of it in glowing terms and have you negotiate an agreement without necessarily knowing one another that well. I recognize that this is not only difficult from an aoptive parent's perspective, but also,a nd perhaps more importanly, from a birth parent's perspective. The more time i have had to reflect on the process the more important i think it is not for agents to oversell open adoption to all parties and for birth families and adoptive families to have as many open and honest communications as they can prior to the adoption so that they know the adoption is a good fit for all parties. I think all of our discussions were open and honest, but our birthmother probably felt she had to go through with the adoption because of her situation and beacuse we all got along very well even though she wanted more contact. The typical communication agreement really doesn't cover everything that should be discussed and that is necessary for the birth mother to know that she is picking the right family and for the adoptive parents to know that they will be comfortable with the level of contact that the birth family wants and the role tha the birth family will play.

We really hope that we can establish a relationship that benefits our son even if it is one that is difficult for us. We don't feel threatened by our son's birth family and pray that the discussion of boundaries will lead to happier communications for all that will let our son know how much he is loved by all.

[faimlyguyma]

p.s. thanks for all of your support!

[janf]

i just have to say my heart goes out to both you and the bmom..i am a bmom ,I was 20 at the time and N was 11 months old when he went to his aparents. I was given their home number as well as address. After he left they contacted me 3 years later yes 3 years. I wanted N to bond with his parents and i did not want to have that guilt feeling. We spoke about every 2-4 years. Picuters were sent b-cards and holiday cards were sent.

I have spent many years in therapy and i have a wonderful support group and a very supportive husband who helps me thru holidays when things get rough for me.

I hope things work out for you faimlyguyma

[faimlyguyma]

thanks janf. It is tough for all parties, but hopefully the adults can work through things for the benefit of our son. We send cards and pictures much more frequently than is required because we want a good relationship, but it's clear that we all have more work to do