[echaos]

It's that time of year again when we write a letter to Liam's birthmother with updates. The hard part is knowing that the letter is going to the agency and will just sit in a file. She chose not to see him at the hospital, nor during the 17 days he was in foster care before TPR, nor on the day of TPR when we picked him up at the agency. She has never picked up any of the letters that we have sent, and has moved without leaving forwarding info. Liam will be 3 in 3 weeks.

While bored at work this afternoon I googled her name. A website for the area she is from came up, with her name listed as someone who has just added their email address on to the site. Now, it may not even be her.... but her last name is not all that common. there are only 29 people listed in the directory for our whole province with this last name.

So my big question is..... do I send an email? I really hate that we've lost touch with her, and I would love to know how she, and her son that she is parenting are doing..... but I don't want to intrude, or bring up feelings that she is not ready to face. And if I do, what do I say? "Hi I stalked you on the internet and found you? How are things?"

Any suggestions?

[echaos]

Bumping it up.......

[spitzlvr]

Andy,

That's a toughie. If you do email, I would say exactly what you did in you post - <snip> I really hate that we've lost touch with her, and I would love to know how she, and her son that she is parenting are doing..... but I don't want to intrude, or bring up feelings that she is not ready to face. <snip> (err- leave out the stalking! LOL)

I would put Liam's name in the subject - may people (myself included) tend to simply delete mail from addresses not recognized.

As for the question of should you - I say go for it. After 3 years, she may find it hard or impossible to go back to the agency to pick up the letters. This may be the opening she needs. Even if she doesn't answer you, she will have your email address. Just in case.

If you include a pic of Liam, that might also get her to respond.

OK, so I am babbling. But if it were me, I would email. I would tell her that I did look on the internet to see if I could find an email for her, because I really wanted to show her how handsome Liam is. What a sweet boy. etc... etc.. etc..

sigh, I hope my babbling helped.

[Kara J]

I say GO FOR IT!!! What do you really have to loose? Buy you do stand a lot to gain if she responds in a positive way!! Good luck to you and be sure to keep us updated! ... Kara

[Jensboys]

Absolutely go for it!!! More and more I hear stories from birthparents where if they are required to back to the placing agency to get their pictures -- they just emotionally cant do it.

It cant hurt to just try ...

Jen

[michellemartin]

I say go for it too! If she thinks you're a stalker have her meet me .
It cant hurt much, she may be just happy to hear from you that she might not even ask how you came about getting her email address.

Send an E-card, those say stuff for you and all you have left to do is say Hi, thinking about you, please write back.

[Cheryl62]

Andy - I'd do it too. I could easily see her feeling weird about going back to the agency at this point, but being responsive to an email like this (with pic!).

[michellemartin]

lol Cheryl, I am so dumb sometimes! You have the right idea, send pics Andy, attach some with a quick thinking of you note.

[echaos]

New wrinkle..... Hilary doesn't think I should.....

She has no fears or any other "stereotypical" aparent stuff..... she just feels that K is the type of person who made her decision, was happy with it and has moved on and wouldn't want to have it brought up ...

While I know that there are people out there that can do that (Hilary being one of them) and knowing that people who do move on aren't the people I'm likely to meet on sites like this.... I'm not sure if I agree with her. K was (is) certainly a strong woman who knew what she wanted and was very much at peace with her decision while she was in the hospital, and at TPR (according to our SW who was there) but we haven't had the chance to talk to her and know for sure.

So I do want to reach out, but I don't want to do it without Hilary's "consent" (for lack of a better word) and I certainly don't want to do it behind her back.



Now what???

[Cheryl62]

Hmmm... Well, you're right that obviously Hilary and you need to be agreed.

It's tricky when you just don't know what K's feeling. I would (personally) find it somewhat hard to believe that she doesn't still think of Liam though, and has managed to totally put him out of her mind. (Ok - adoptee talking, so what do I know! LOL! Though I'm a mom too, so...)

Maybe I'd be tempted to say it's not worth the risk of causing K any distress if it was just YOU who kinda wanted some contact. But you'd really be doing this for Liam, right? So that you'd possibly have some semi-open at least access to her in the future - for medical information/concerns, or just for him to be able to contact her when he's older if he wishes, instead of going through all the difficulties adoptees in closed adoptions face.

Personally, as an adoptee, I think the medical info. issue alone is a good enough reason to try to establish at least a photo exchange and up to date contact info as the years go by. Maybe she won't respond, or maybe she won't be willing, but I guess I'd feel like without knowing what she'll want, the possible benefits to Liam are big enough to make it worth a shot. JMO though!

[echaos]

Cheryl,

I'm pretty sure that it's the adoptee in me that is part of the driving force behind my wanting to do this!

I don't want Liam to go through the not knowing, not having a picture, wondering..... It sucks!

Hilary's comment the other night was the if and when he wants to find her, that we would help him and do it then.... but so much can happen between now and then... people move, change names etc... that I worry that we will lose whatever thread of contact that we have.

Maybe I'll print this thread off for her to read....

[evildishrag]

I would be inclined to disagree. Leave the poor lady alone. If she chooses to contact the agency for information that's her perogative, but for you show up uninvited via e-mail might do her more harm than good.

[Cheryl62]

Originally Posted by echaos

I don't want Liam to go through the not knowing, not having a picture, wondering..... It sucks!

Yeah, it does, doesn't it!

But I don't think it's all that uncommon for many a-parents to kind of hope that their kids won't have any real need or desire to know, and I understand that too. Perhaps you can explain to Hilary how it feels to wonder? Or argue the safety issue - how important it could be to establish contact to be certain you know the health stuff that may be important?

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Well, Andy, you just said what I would say... so much can happen. This may be your only chance.

What could a tiny inquiry hurt? If she says no, then just let her know that you will continue to send her updates to the agency and that they door is open (maybe she doesnt realize it is??)... maybe at the least.. it may get her thinking and then she may go get the updates you send......

[MNelson]

I'm not an adoptee or birthmom (ergo nothing personally driving my opinon ), and I think you and Hillary should try one e-mail (w/ a pic). Liam's birthmom can always just discard it. On the other hand, if she is inclined to open the door a crack this may just be the "sign" she needs. It would be so beneficial to Liam in the long run and maybe something she wants but is afraid of rejection??? Regardless, Liam's benefit really outweighs the potential impact on his birthmom. I'm really not minimizing it, but as Cheryl says it's unlikely that she has really "moved on" -- even if that's possible, is an e-mail going to derail that?

I'd take the subject line one step further ... say "A note from Liam's Adoptive Parents". That way she could really toss it without even opening if she were really so inclined.