[drama mama]

Thanks for your insight All of you... I appreciate that you gave me honest feed back yet respected my feelings no matter how rational or irrational they are at this time.

I am sure a year from now things will look and be very different. I am trying to see it from the BP perspective.

Keep it coming

[bromanchik]

Sorry, I just found this thread.....

Originally Posted by drama mama

In long term studies.. from what I have read...
In some cases Birthparents are very consistent for the first five- seven years and then they begin to lessen their envolvement as their live gets more complicated. Their love does not lessen but their involvement does. There are many reasons this may occur and it is understandable.. They have accepted and trust the adparents they know their offspring is well taken care of etc.. HOWEVER, This creates insecurity and confusion to the child.

I am interested in knowing which studies you have read.

In my experience in working with birthparents in open adoption (something I've done for 18 years) many birthparents slack off because they really do not know that their presence benefits the child. They are told when they place what a great thing open adoption is for them. They are not told how it benefits the child, nor is responsibility or committment discussed. Most see their kids as thriving regardless of their involvement. Take a look at the "birthparent" info that agencies give out. There is little on birthparent role or responsibility. It is all about "what you want. You make all the choices. You do what is confortable for you."

I see that as the main reason birthparents "drop out". There is little telling them they are needed.

[LisaCA]

hey brenda,
thanks for resurrecting this thread-I didn't see it the first time round either .

I think that if you (as an aparent) are afraid of bmom/bdad not maintaining consistent contact, then you can reach out to the entire bfamily. we fully expect that bmom will grow up and have a life, and that our role will change over time and that's fine with us. (She does know how important she is to dd, but I expect she'll go to college, things change etc.) We also have bgrandmas and bgranddads, who are always going to be there, baunts, bcousins, etc. That gives dd that bfamily connection no matter what.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by tobeafamily

I remember Brenda Romanchik telling us what her 15 YO birthson said. Something along the lines of "You guys make this all way more complicated than it is." BTW if you haven't checked her out at Open Adoption Insight (google it) you should. She's got some wonderful information and insight.
Regina

Thanks Regina.

I think if you asked him now, at 21, he would say the something a little bit different. Becoming an adult has made him realize the complexity of it all. But would he have wanted it any other way? I really don't think so.

The really hard part of being a birthparent in an open adoption is that you do not know what a "good birthmother" does. There are no role models, no movies depicting it, no books out there with "good birthmothers" as believable characters. Add to that that adoptive parents also do not know what a good birthmother is...... So we are often working in a vacuum. We know what a good mother does... she knows what the baby is eating, knows what to feed him/her, knows their habits, how they are sleeping. Are we, as birthmothers, supposed to know any of this? There is often an ache in not knowing. Of getting pictures and being shocked by changes. Of not always recognizing our own children. Skye Hardwick wrote a brilliant account of what it felt like to go into a store and leave in tears because she did not know the size of her child.

No, we are not parenting. And we willingly gave that up. But that does not mean we have severed our love or care or concern. Total trust does not happen overnight, no matter what the legal papers say. And in between there can be a lot of missteps.

[Ilovebigbird]

Roles should be worked out before agreeing to the match.

[aspenhall]

I had to ressurect this thread because there is still so much confusion.

I view bparents roles as similar to Mother and father-in laws. They did not raise me, but they love me as their own. They do not get to PARENT me, but they still give advice, suggestions etc....

My in-laws are my OTHER PARENTS. And I feel strongly that it is a perfect starting place to define bparent roles as such and also to gauge our responses. "If my MIL said this, how would I respond?"

Obviously there is a deeper connection than an ACTUAL In-Law relationship, but it's a good start. I can go weeks and be fine with no word from MIL, and sometimes I need to talk to her more often. Openess gives all involved the power and control. My open relationship with dd's bparents is letters and pictures for now and a few phonecalls, but mainly it's more comfortable for ALL of us to write rather than call.....BUT I can call if I need to. Openess gave me that.

[ChristieS]

Originally Posted by drama mama

My debate is When lies, betrayal accusations etc.. cloud the relationship this has caused me to say??? Remind me WHat are the benefits to an open adoption? Couldn't this be obtained in a sem- open adoption.? etc..

Our relationship has been damaged and it will take time to repair. Our relationship has been affected by this legal action, thus we have been unable to fulfill some of our commitment, this saddens me. My desire for a baby dedication etc.. has been put on hold because of the complexity of our situation

But to continually be betrayed, lied to, accused etc.. It is hard to continue to turn the other cheek when you get punched every time.
It hurts that we have done everything she has asked and more and she spits in our face.
To her it is all about her. Not about the baby, not about the emotional H*LL it is putting us through or the sacrifices we have made etc..
What matters is her pain and her grief, her demands.
We have become the enemy.. WHY because when THEY (the birthparents) if we would parent their offspring we said yes. We put our life on hold, we opened our hearts and our home and our meager pocket book. Only to be continually stepped on, taken advantage of, betrayed and financially drained.... They came to us, They chose us. The drama has not stopped since it all began.
At some point, when the legal mess is over for the sake of our family and our children. We will have to establish boundaries I refuse to let my children this in this emotional whirlwind.
at some point.. When someone becomes unsafe to be around your family...

I notice this is an old post brought back to life. A year has passed and I hope, drama mama, that your case has come to a peaceful resolution. But I was in this exact type of situation last year, and the year before, and the year before that, and the year before that - so I'm well aware it may not have resolved yet.

It sounds like our cases are similar in that the bmother continues to use the visitation agreement to file very nasty motions against us and keep us tied up in the courts - all while SHE has not followed through on the agreement and WE HAVE!!!!

I absolutely agree with you that, while open adoptions can be positive, they can also hurt you very badly. We too have been betrayed and financially drained. We too were chosen - she came to US. We too have given EVERYTHING and it IS hard to continue to turn the other cheek when we get punched every time. There seems to be no limit to the damage she has continued to inflict upon us.

You said "To her it is all about her." And the same is true in our case. ***She has never even asked how he is doing!***

Our legal mess - all the drama - still after FOUR years. No - open adoptions are NOT always good for the child. You stated "At some point when the legal mess is over." and all I can do is pray that we can also end the legal mess - but after four years of it it seems to hard to even hope for.

Yes, our lives have been put on hold as well. We would have loved to have adopted again- but not only are we financially ruined now, but I am terrified to ever go through this again. The pain is too much.

So yes, there are others of us out here who have been there - I've just not yet heard from one who has been there that it actually did resolve. Anyone? Is there anyone out there who has lived through this and ever had it finally end?