[danr611]

My wife and I have two children from open domestic adoptions - a son who is 4 and a half, and a daughter who is only 17 months (!). My wife has decided to end the marriage.

What/when/how do we tell the birth mothers? I am at a loss, particularly with our daughter's birth mother, since our daughter is so young. I feel like we frauded her...

Thanks for any ideas, help, ...

DAN

[Jensboys]

Wow. I am very, very sorry. I would expect her to be very angry and very sad. Is there nothing that can be done to save the marriage?

Jen

[danr611]

I am very concerned about the birth mothers' anger and sadness. I always think honesty and openness is the best policy. Not that I want to call them explicitly to tell them, but I also do not want to avoid the topic when we do have contact. I am sure that my wife, as the initiator, wants to not bring it up if possible and in fact has already said so in not so many words. I wonder how to say something like this to people who we wrote letters to about how wonderful we were.

I have hope that we could save the marriage, but I believe that my wife is long gone already and does not appear to be having any second thoughts - which devastates me.

DAN

[Free_to_be_me]

If it is at all possible to put your marriage back together again, certainly try. (It sounds like that is something you already know and have attempted.) If it is not possible, it is important that you do tell the birthparents.

As a birthmom, one of the main reasons I chose adoption for my daughter was so she would grow up with two parents. If her adoptive parents were to divorce, I would be really upset. One thing that might help when you tell the birthparents is that when you adopted your marriage was going well and that you did not try to deceive them in any way (if this is true...I am guessing that it is from your posts.) Another thing that might help the birthparents handle it better is if you can tell them your plans for custody and how both of you will remain strong influences and important role models in your children's lives.

I'm really sorry you are going through this.

[scarlet52698]

Gosh Dan I'm so sorry that you are going through this. As a bmom my best advice is to just be honest about what's going on. There may be some anger or disppointment on their(bmoms) part, but I know if it were me I'd really appreciate the honesty and being kept in formed of the custody situation. There may be fears about whether the openess will continue if you and your wife are seperated.

Anything you can do to reassure them that they will still have whatever arraingment you agreed to at the time of the adoption would help them I'm sure.

[LadyBugz]

It's been a few weeks, but I think still worth saying...

A little on topic, a little off... but since you hold out hope for saving the marriage, I would recommend the book/ website/ counseling services of Dr. Willard F. Harley. You can see his website here. (That's a link to the site tour.)

It addresses marriage from the perspective of how to make it affair proof. Don't let the title throw you off if that isn't an issue. Devour it, and take it to heart. It worked for my marriage, which was far past "gone." The key, if it is going to work, is the emotion behind your doing it. If you go through the motions, but are cold or uncaring, it will mean nothing. You can also have a call-in counseling session with Dr. Harley (today if you wish). It might be worth the $185 for 45-50 minutes if it saves your marriage. As long as the divorce isn't final, there is hope for saving it. If it is final, there is hope to re-kindle it.

You didn't say what the cause of the divorce is. (You don't need to.) But if it has ANYTHING to do with you (which Dr. Harley's book can explain how you might be doing all the "right" things in all the wrong ways by not being responsive to what *your* wife needs), you had better start taking responsibility and working to make life-long changes. You don't need to take responsibility here, or convince us, but there at home with your wife.

As a re-married divorcee with an ex-husband still holding out hope for a re-kindling, I can tell you it does get to a point where you've just waited too long. The problems with the ex led to major problems in my current marriage. It wasn't going to last. We called it quits. His family filed false charges at the police station and made sure there was room for me at the homeless shelter before heading over with boxes... the whole nasty nine yards. Dr. Harley's methods of constant conversations, brutal honesty, agreeing on everything, etc got us to where we are today (which is a GOOD place). I highly recommend it if only one person is wanting so save a marriage worth saving.

[danr611]

Thanks LadyBugz.


I had been to that site last summer, and I really liked a lot of the ideas there. There are some real insights into failing relationships there and I encourage everyone to take a look and see if they see any patterns developing in their own situations.

I guess I wonder if mine is too late - how does anyone really ever know. It really seems so over to me - I see nothing in her eyes.

[LadyBugz]

I wrote this to you in a PM, but I am copying it publicly in case others in your situation come across this thread.


You do not, NOT, need your wife to want to save the marriage. You need to start implementing the ideas yourself, immediately. Buy the book today. Scour out every bookstore looking for it. She does not need to do a thing. You do. It doesn't matter who is to blame. If you want to stand up and say you want things to change, you start doing it. You don't tell her you are doing it. Not a PEEP out of you. You don't let her see you reading the book. You don't bring up the website again. Your actions show her.

If her eyes are still there to be looking into, you had better start acting before they are gone. She probably is looking into yours and seeing all sorts of stuff too. She has to start seeing love in them. After a long time, she'll start wondering what you are up to. She might test you to see if you are serious. You have to stick it out. You cannot allow her to see you thinking it is over. Or that you intend to change her and the relationship. That won't work either. You have to remind her of who she fell in love with.

Have you read his point system? The love bank? You REALLY need to read the book!! You have to start gaining back those love points. Consistently. You don't plan a romantic dinner for two where she will stare at you with cold eyes. You do the little things to show that you are commited to your children and to her. The things SHE needs. If she doesn't like flowers, what is the point of bringing them home? The same with every other aspect. Does she complain about you not doing housework? Then wash, dry, and put up some laundry. Complain about your work hours? Cut them back. TODAY. Complain about your relationship with your mother, or best friend, or dog? They are out of your life until you and your wife can decide on something together concerning them. They are NOT as important as your marriage. You might be more inclined to think so now that a divorce is impending. But that will only tighten the screws. Explain to best friend that you care about him, but that your marriage has to come first. If he doesn't understand, you have other problems to work on. And they are backseat to your wife. Complain about your spending? Stop spending. Even if there isn't anything wrong with what you are doing, it isn't right FOR HER.

If it comes down to the worst (which it hasn't yet) then she leaves you with the picture in her head of you being a loving, caring guy. Much better than a crazy loon, or uncaring nobody.

Don't talk to her about saving the marriage. Go buy the book. But don't leave her at home with two screaming kiddos by herself to get it if that is a problem. But read it. And do it. And then you'll know you've done absolutely everything you can to bring that spark back to your wife's eyes. It will take a LONG time to build up your love bank account in her heart again, so you had better start today!!
Remember, there is a forum on his site too.

And, if you haven't already, I wouldn't tell the birthmoms until things were set in stone. For that matter, nor *your* moms. Or neighborhood moms. Your entire goal right now is being the man your wife wants you to be. (Afterall, you were at one point in time.)

[danr611]

I appreciate the encouragement to try to save my marriage. However, it is over. I embraced that web site's ideas last year, and made plenty of deposits into the love bank. My wife was just not interested in the balance. She filed already when I started this thread and believe me, she is long gone. I guess you never say "never", but she is already way beyond me.

I do encourage anyone who sees their marriage in conflict or if one you are in withdrawal to get to that site and get to work.

In the meantime, this is now about the well-being of our kids, and then secondarily, about my dignity, integrity, honesty and generosity. This post was to help me retain these things while telling the birth mother about this painful situation.