[sneezyone]

Last year we were lucky enough to have an amazing birthmom place her child in our care. A month or so later she emailed us a letter to be shared with our dd when she's older. Much of it was as we'd expected - an explanation of her decision and an outpouring of love. It's really quite eloquent.

The problem is parts of the letter refers to heinous acts committed by an intruding rapist (dd's birthfather) at the time of conception. The graphic details don't add meaning to the letter and I'm concerned about our dd, at any age, internalizing feelings of guilt and shame. We have no problem with her eventually learning that she was conceived through sexual assault; she deserves to know the truth. But I right to remove the graphic descriptions of specific acts (there were only two)??

[ingodshands]

Well, this is a tough one. I agree that your dd should be told the truth when she is older, and a letter from her birthmom is a nice thing for her to have. I think knowing she was concieved through assault is about as much as she needs to know though at first, especially if it is the first method of contact from her birthmom. If she develops a relationship with her birthmom later on, when there is an element of trust and a bond between them, maybe then if birthmom wants to tell more, it would be more appropriate, and can be a joint decision.

But, rather than you edit the parts you feel are "inappropriate", I would personally contact birthmom explaining your fears, and request that she writes another letter, not quite so graphic.

Hope this helps

Collette

[scarlet52698]

I agree, ask her to write another letter. If your child sees the letter with a section blanked out she will want to know why for sure.

[Jensboys]

I also would add, that if this is the ONLY contact over the years or the only letter you expect to have, the letter will carry alot more weight with your daughter than if her bmom has been in more frequent contact with you and your daughter over the years.

I think in this situation, as a minimum, a series of letters that are age appropriate is probably the best (other than visits where bmom can explain her reasons to your daughter in person), so multiple letters is certainly better than only one letter to be given in adulthood.

Your daughter does have a right to know those details at some point if she wishes but its not appropriate for her to know those details under the age of probably 18 or so. But before that age she is going to have alot of questions (probably starting at age 3 or 4) about her birthmom and the cirucumstances surrounding her birth and relinquishment. If you are unable to have an ongoing relationship with bmom, I would suggest asking her to then write the series of letters. Maybe one a year for her birthday written to her at that age. Obviously the information acceptable or intersting to a 3 year old is significantly different than information interesting to an 8 year old etc. Most books etc out there recommend that the child should know all pertinent information (like being conceived through sexual assault) before puberty - but she doesnt need to be told the details of the sex act etc unless she desires that in adult hood.

Some good books relating to this topic are

"To Bless Him Unaware" which specifically deals with children conceived through rape as well as "Telling Difficult information to Foster and Adopted Children" (or something like that ... )

You might also want to get ahold of amom2two who is a member here. She recently adopted a baby that was conceived through rape and she has lots of information that I know she would be happy to pass on.

Good luck and let us know what you decide

Jen

[FL_GirlByProxy]

Hi, I'm a birthmom. My only initial communication to my birthson and his parents, 20 years ago, was to write a letter explaining my circumstances, my reasons for my choices, and my joy at his birth, how much I loved him.

My circumstances were totally different. They did not involve sexual assualt. My situation was having no support from the birthfather or my family to parent my birthson. So I am not speaking from exact experience here.

I absolutely agree that the letter should be changed, but only to omit the parts that are hurtful and inappropriate for her to read. My birthson, at age 20, does not know or desire to know every detail. Some of the experience is mine and mine alone. That being said, I can tell you that 20 years ago I would voice my story to anyone who would listen, just to be heard. Also, the letter I wrote was not easy, and was narcissistic in that it was my point of view, and I am the one who had to sign the adoption papers. Looking at that same letter 20 years later, there are things that I wished that I had left out, that I now feel he didn't need to know. But the letter was for him and his parents, and I was only 19 at the time. He didn't read the letter until he was almost 20 years old. And he's always had his mom and dad's support.

I'm rambling, not unusual. I guess my main thought is to see if the birthmother will agree to omit those parts of the letter you feel are too graphic. However, out of respect to her and her feelings, I would ask her to leave the rest of the letter just as it is, realizing it was not an easy letter to write. In doing that, you value her story, she will know that, and appreciate you for it. If you can write a letter to her, through the agency (?) asking her to do only that, and letting her know that you know it must have been so difficult to share her experience, and that you value the letter very much but just need the graphic parts omitted for the emotional health of the baby, I think she'd understand, and feel positive about your approach. I hope this is okay, I don't want to make assumptions or offend anyone, but being in that place of writing a letter, the only letter, I know how I would feel if I was asked to do the whole thing over.

[sneezyone]

Sometimes you just need to go with your gut, I think. FL_GirlByProxy said something important. This was the only letter bmom intended/intends to write for dd (at least for now), despite our ongoing exchange of pictures and updates. And when you look back at what you've written years later things don't seem nearly so important as they seemed at the time.


Bmom wrote the letter after having just begun counseling. We also had extensive heart to heart talks at the hospital and have corresponded since. She consistently says she wants us to do what we think is best for dd and just make sure she knows she was loved and cherished at birth. In fact, the letter bmom originally wrote for dd before she was born was substantially revised to include less detail by the time it was emailed to us. For that reason alone, I don't want to ask her to rewrite it. It's hard enough the first time.


The letter really needs to be as clear a statement of her feelings at that time. With revision comes changed insight.


Plus, there are really just two sentences, phrases, that seem overly detailed. So - my thinking is that I'll redact those two phrases (which she won't know are missing - it's a Word file) and keep both versions of the letter, edited and unedited. When the time comes dd can have access to both if she chooses.

[hissecondmommy]

Hi Sneezy,
I too have a son (still in the process of adopting, but he's lived with us for 4 years, lived w/ bmom til he was 2) Who was conceived by a rape. He does have contact with his bmom (rare visits, phone calls etc.) He is six now and knows his bmom, but has yet to ask questions about bdad. I have the same fears and concerns as you. I agree with the edited and unedited letter idea. I will not tell my son the truth until he is at least 16. Until then, if questions arise as to his bdad's identity I will tell him we don't know who he was (which we don't).

Count your Blessings--- Just recently I've had to limit contact with his bmom because she tends to say inappropriate things. Lately she has been harping to me(on the phone) that our son "needs to know the truth" about everything, ie: why he was taken away(drinking, drugs), who his father is, etc. and has even told me that she will tell him these things. And knowing her as I do, I can picture her telling a six year old that she was raped and every last detail. She has no concept of reality!! So to protect him, from now on, contact will be rare!

I have to do what's best and appropriate for my son through each stage of his life. I strive never to lie to him, but I also know there are appropriate maturity levels for certain parts of the truth. He's just now starting to realize boys and girls are different, the birds and the bees are still a long way off.

I hope this helped, Just always remember you are going to know your daughter better than anyone else, you will know when she's ready and how much truth she can handle when the time comes.

Good luck!
Dena
_______________

Hopeful to have adoption finalized in 2005!!