[kysila]

Has anyone had a birthmother close an adoption? Just curious.

[sinesadopt]

I don't know if you could really say that our son's birthmother closed the adoption, but she doesn't keep in contact like she said she would. Our son will be three in a couple of weeks and I wonder if she will call. Her mom called Christmas evening and our son's birthmother got on the phone, but didn't even ask about him. His birth-grandmother seemed more upset that he was already in bed when they called. The last time we heard from his birthmother was the January prior when she called and asked for us to pay for a plane ticket for a visit for his birthday. Our agreement was that she would be responsible for all transporation costs related to visits. I wrote her a letter stating that and also asking her to put her visit off for a couple of months due to some medical issues our son was going through at the time -- nothing serious, just exhausting for him, mom and dad!

I attempted to write her a few times over the summer and sent pictures thinking that would spur contact but didn't. About a month before Christmas I sent a letter to her and to her mom asking for a good address as I wanted to get ready to send Christmas presents to our son's birthsiblings. His birth-grandmother called as soon as she received the letter, but never anything from his birthmom. When we talked at Christmas she stated that she had purchased a phone card and would be calling, but we have not received one phone call.

I can't really offer any advice, because I am not sure what is going on with his birthmom. Our agency told us that they thought eventually she would move out of our lives, but for our son we are trying to keep the communication open.

Good luck to you.

[chickenrunshrek]

Not so much closed but more withdrawn. Threw a big stink about visitation plans and never followed through. Called several weeks ago after over a year of no contact. Didn't really ask about much and didn't request a visit. This seems to be rather common.

[pingaa3]

Not sure if the birth parents closed it or ??? We had a visit scheduled in August and they never showed up. I called but they never returned my call. September was spent packing and working, very busy. In October we moved and I tried calling, but the telephone number was disconnected. Since this had happened before I decided to mail them stuff. I mailed pictures and a letter... no response. At Christmas I mailed a card with pictures. No response.

We're coming on our daughter's 1st birthday and I'm making one last effort to send pictures and a letter. After this I think I'm going to give up.

I guess sometimes birth parents do end the open adoption. What a loss for all of us, especially our daughter.

Inga

[ellemeth]

It might be better if you sent the pics and letters registered mail or something else that she has to sign for. That way you know if she's still at that address and not interested in responding (I always enjoyed pics but I wasn't always interested in responding yet) or if she's moved.

[pingaa3]

I'm sure I'm going to get flamed for this one, but why should I be the only one making all the effort to maintain the relationship?

Isn't it also the birthmom/dad's responsibility to keep communications lines open as well?

And if not, then WHY is it only MY responsibility?

Why have an "open" adoption, wouldn't it be semi-open if I'm the only one communicating?

Inga

[Jensboys]

Because its about integrity. Openness is not about what you can get out of it its about showing your child that her connection to her birthfamily is important to YOU, even if for now, they cant understand that.

You wont teach your child that they have to be honest ONLY when other people are honest back or that they can lie, when others lie to them.

Put yourselves in your child's birthmother's shoes for a day or two and understand that the pain, the fear, the loss might just be too overwhelming right now and that YOU being consistent, full of integrity etc might be what she needs to heal enough to be someone your child can be proud of.

Openness is NOT about comfort and hopefully one day your children's birthparent realize this ...

I know how painful it is when contact isnt reciprocated. I was there for over two years. But I can tell you that the foundation I layed by being open, honest and consistent myself has paid off when it benefits my kids the most - NOW

Jen

[ellemeth]

Do you have anything in contact with the b-mom besides the child? Sometimes, I would put off writing or not write at all to J's mom because I didn't feel I had anything to tell her. Thigns were going as usual for me and I doubted she's be interested in what book I was reading or how I was dogin in classes. Why would she care about those things? I asked myself.

With M's mom, we exchange emails often. Sometimes, we don't even mention the kids. It's like talking to a friend. and even though that adoption is newer and that pain still fresh, I find it much easier to maintain consistant contact.

I'm not saying the distance is right but it's a self-defense. Think about it this way, right now, even J doesn't understand who I am. That's fine and to be expected. But, as long as her mother adn I keep the lines of communication open, even if my responses to her are sporadic, when she's old enough to wonder, I'll be available. If you give up trying, then, maybe when your child has questions, she will still be too hurt to answer.

It is your choice of course but think about the other end. I used to agonize because I had nothing new to tell them and nothign to talk about that I thought they'd be interested in hearing. I always wanted to hear about the baby but what owuld I tell them in return? Guess what, I got a new bunny? Why would they care about my adorable new addition? They had a new baby. I would wad up many pieces of paper and delete many word documents. In the end, I still often don't send much of anything.