[gatorfan]

I am a first time amom with a three month old. It is a semi-open adoption. we were selected by the bmom a short time before she delivered, but were able to meet her a few times and attend the delivery. In the short time we knew each other, we really appeared to bond. She told us that she realized that when the child was born that we were her parents and she wouldn't interfere with that. I feel like things have changed since then and don't know how to handle it. Our bmom asked what we were naming the baby and we told her. Now that we have the child home with us she dislikes the name and told the agency she would like me to call her to discuss this. I feel terrible about it, but don't want to discuss the issue b/c the name is chosen and I have called her by this name for close to three months now. I have an agreement to send letters and pictures for 18 years at certain intervals and tried to address her feelings in the letter I sent. Is it wrong that I don't want to speak by phone about this. I don't think it will solve anything. In addition, in the three months we have had our child we have rec'd two packages for the child with gifts from her bmom. We accepted the first one and there was a letter addressed to the child with the name the bmom chose. We spoke with the agency yesterday and told them we didn't want gift packages from the bmom. I have created a lifebook for my child and this is the way I would like them to know their bfamily until they are old enough to decide if they want more contact. Has any one else faced this and what did they do? I chose semi-open vs open b/c I felt that was the best decision for our family and our emotions but feel now that this is turning into a more open adoption than I am comfortable dealing with. Please help.

[wlbooklady]

Well, semi-open could mean a lot of different things. Did you spell out through the agency what it would involve? If not, now is probably the time to do so. I think you are completely in your rights expecting her to respect your choice of name, particularly in a semi-open adoption. Would you consider letting her choose a middle name if it's not too late? We have an open adoption, and our son's birthfather chose his middle name while we chose the first name. Just a thought. It sounds like SHE might be having some second thoughts about semi-open vs. open, but also remember she is still very vulnerable and grieving. I remember feeling very vulnerable myself the first few months until the parental rights had been terminated, worrying about the **'s grief, but also the possibility that she'd change her mind. Talk with your husband and your social worker and maybe write down some specifics as to what you feel comfortable. Then maybe let the SW talk to your child's **, especially since emotions are pretty fragile right now. Do you mind if I ask why you feel uncomfortable with gifts? It's ironic for me; I wish my son's ** would send him a little something for Christmas and birthday. She did initially, but since having her next baby, hasn't been real communicative. I rememeber those fear feelings the first few months; if you can just be with them and remember you are not in competition with your child's **. Hope this helps.

[LoveRiddenDad]

I agree with the previous poster. Go with those suggestions... I have a few questions though:

Are you keeping up your end of the bargain? Are you sending pictures?

Why don't you want gifts and letters from her? I would say it's upsetting to her for you to tell her she can't give to the child she gave birth to.

Why not speak to her on the phone? Why cut off contact now that the baby is with you? You said you bonded; does that bond evaporate once the baby is born? If you bond with someone, that means you maintain a relationship. I'm not a birthparent, but frankly, if someone buddied up to me until I gave my child to them and THEN said they wouldn't even speak to me or let me send gifts, I'd be really angry.

Overall, think about your child. How will he/she feel if it comes out you actively pushed the woman who game him/her life AWAY because you felt scared? I don't mean to seem mean, but I think you need to take a break and rethink some stuff.

[tobeafamily]

Part of being an adoptive parent to a child in an open or semi-open adoption is to be a custodian of your child's relationship with their biological family - whether we like them or not, whether we're comfortable or not. It's my job to keep these connections intact until Ryan is old enough to decide for himself what his relationship will be with his biological family.

This is not always easy. Especially early on, trust needs to be built and boundaries need to be set. All this in a climate of grief, fear, joy and love - grief for your losses, fear of each other, joy and love for this child. Both of you may be feeling threatened and insecure about your roles. This is natural but NOT healthy to nurture.

Relationships are not static, they grow and change with time. What it is now may not be what it will be in a month, a year, five years. That is why it is important for all parties to be understanding of each other and flexible, especially when you really don't want to. Remember, this is for your child, who someday will ask you why you created the relationship (or severed it) that you're creating now.

Have you talked with your adoption counselor about your feelings? This may be a good time to do so. I sense you've got to work through some issues before you're ready to speak with each other, honestly.

Also, have you made arrangements for your child's bmom to access counseling? If not, this may be a good thing to do as well.

At some time in the near future, you will all need to decide how this relationship will develop. It's not realistic to rely only on a static agreement - that would be like a childhood friend coming back and insisting you honor an agreement to be 'best friends' you made when you were 10.

Remember, though, the key difference: This connection is not about what you want or what she wants: It's about your child. Every child should have access to their full history - both biological/geaneological and social/environmental. Without this connection, you only give your child half what biological children have. When does a parent ever want their child to have less?

IMHO

Regina, AMom to Ryan Joshua Thomas

[gatorfan]

Love ridden dad I think you were rather harsh in your reply. I don't want to push the ** out and in fact spent the last three months creating a life book for my daughter with pictures of her birthfamily and info I gathered from the bmom(ie fav color, movie, funny expression, etc.) with her knowledge that I was gathering it to share with my daughter. We have kept up with our end of the bargain and actually sent an "extra" packet of pictures and letters that was not part of the contract per say. We have a semi open and not an open adoption and I am not obligated to turn it into an open adoption which if I understand correctly is what you are suggesting. There is no substantial research that supports open adoption as being better than semi and in fact there are some specialists that suggest open adoption causes some identity issues with the child. With all that said I apologize if I have offended you. We just rec'd notice yesterday that the bfather is appealing his termination of rights (from jail after never registering on the putative father registry nor contesting the termination) so now we have another 12-15 mos at best of waiting to see if this will even be our child, not to mention the legal costs above and beyond what we budgeted for.

[LoveRiddenDad]

Gator,

I didn't take offense and sorry if you did. I think the overall goal is cooperation. You, or anyone else in the universe, is obligated to do nothing. It sounds like you're going through a sensitive time. I'm not suggesting anything. However, I'm guessing while hanging out with the bmom you didn't say, "And you're not allowed to send gifts or ask to speak to us on the phone." I'm not suggesting you open this up. Another poster put it more eloquently: Things evolve and change.

Your writing style says to me, "I've made up my mind about how to handle the situation." I'm just not clear on why it's not alright for her to send a package. She (unlike the birthfather) isn't threatening to take the child back. Why not embrace the relationship? I'm not saying she needs to have regular visits or anything, but a package or honest conversation might help.

Mike

[michellemartin]

My suggestion-
Write in detail what contact you were expecting before she placed with you and how what is happening with contact isnot what you expected. She may not know your boundaries. As a firstmom myself I would rather know the boundaries than for the adoption to eventually close because the parents were unable to comunicate with me. I would also ask in a letter what contact she was expecting and how it is different for her than what is happening. She may be feeling very alone- we firstmoms have no one to talk to. My bf wont talk about it because he feels like a failure and my family is uncomfortable when I bring it up. You may have no idea how much comfort contact with you gives her. She may also be fearing that you will close the adoption and is probably very scared about that. I've heard many firstmoms say, "if I knew they'd close the adoption and I'd never see my baby again I would never have done it" The thought of not knowing if the child is happy and how they're doing is very scary. If I were you I'd do a letter or meet in person with someone from the agency together. But I think your right that a phone conversation wouldnt be the best way to discuss this issue which is probably quite sensitive for both of you.

[gatorfan]

shelliemart
Thanks for your perspective. I will take that into consideration. I have no intention of closing the adoption, b/c that is not what I agreed to and regardless of anything I feel an obligation to uphold my end of the bargain both for our birthmom and for our daughter. In my last letter to her I did address the name issue and explained to her why I didn't feel a phone conversation would be a good idea from my perspective. It was most likely while that letter was in the mail to her from the agency that she sent this package to the agency for us.

[michellemartin]

gatorfan- please dont think I was trying to say you would close. Forgive me if I made it sound that way.

Yeah, we bmoms need lots of reasurance at times. The thought is a scary one and no one around us can help us with that fear. Even logic wont destroy that fear totally for me, but oh well, when she's 18 maybe I'll get past that fear...

Hopefully it'll all work out with no big bumps. Hopefully she'll go with the name thing without a fuss, but if it doesnt change find out why she feels she needs to call the baby by the name she chose. Maybe it makes her feel connected in some way? I dont know just a guess.

[nikki27]

Hello,
I am an adoptive mother of two children through fost/adopt. Currently we are waiting for the third....Well my experience with birth parent contact is diffrent because my children where taken at birth because of drugs/substances probs. from mom. Well, mom and b-dad never visited while they had the right to. Our youngest is now two and I recently wrote her a letter asking her if she would like to recieve a letter and pictures as he grows. We really did it for our son and did not think we would get a responce because of her track record. However, three months later we recieved a letter from her (from the agency) that our letter brought her peace. She told us "thank you for loving my son and giving him a good life." I was SHOCKED!!! I had always been sad for our son because we did not know what to expect if or when he ecides to meet her later in life. Unfortunately, we do not have the story "she did it out of love" but now we have a warm letter that I believe will bring him peace. We had the birth father contest his termination of rights and he won. He actually changed CA state law through the appelate process that changes birth fathers rights (elevates them). We understand your new pain he is more of a threat then mom wanting a say in your daughters name. I would name your daug. whatever you planned on. It was never said you would do this. For three months her name has been ??? and should stay that way. I think gifts are ok but I would closely monitor them (appropriatness) I think truly over the years they will diminish. We have one stuff animal from bio grandma that sits on our son's shelf that we all treasure. I would not feel comfortable with a room full of things from her, but I don't think this will be the case. I believe the gifts are a way to bring her peace. I'm sure she is going through horriable grief and loss. I would write a letter, reassure her that you will keep to the agreement. Thank her for your "angel" and let her know she will always be an important person in your family (birth mom). You want her on your side if bio dad continues to contest. You do not want her behind dad pushing him to get baby back. Our situation worked out 2 YEARS LATER!!!! We were placed with our son at three months and the adoption wasn't final until last month!!!!!! We loved him so much and I could not think of life without him. I thought about all the things I would miss out on. We already faced infertility loss. The court said he had to paternity test before he could get OUR son back (which he never had met) well he tested and he was not the father!!! He tried to contest that too, saying we brought the wrong baby. Well we did think of that but they take his pic etc...and we knew we would never really do that but you feel so helpless. Anyway we finalized. I think letters and pictures are enough. You do not need to change her name. Gifts are ok, just monitor them. Really special stuff save on a shelf. Toys let her play with them, as she grows her attention span is minimal and needs lots to explore. It is up to you if you tell her when she's young who they came from. Also at three months you don't know your daughter's personality she made need reassurance her b-mom gave her up
for adoption out of love. The future is so hard to predict. Always keep your daughter's well-being first and it will all be OK.

NIkki

[michellemartin]

I'm going to say not to say thank you.
Phrase it somehow different. Like you will never know how much we appreciate the sacrifice you made. Or We hope we live up to your standards you had for your bchild.
Thank you sounds... Well I cant think of how to put it in words, but just think if you were to give that baby now to someone else and they said thanks. We know you dont mean for it to sound "cheap" (I think that word will sort of fit) But to me it does. I know that this is probably the most wonderful gift you will ever recieve, but dont say thank you. Instead reveal to her your feelings about her relinquisment. Even the pain you feel at her sadness-only if that is how you feel, though. Tell her your joy at being able to have the chance to be mommy to a precious little baby.

[nikki27]

Well I am sorry if "thank you" sounds cheap. My son's birth mother wrote us "thank you for loving my son and giving him a good life."I honor and cherish those words as my son may do someday. Yeah she could of worded it fancier but she was writing it from her heart I am not going to ask her to re-word it...

I am a very caring adoptive mother and advocate adoption at
prospective adoption classes and such. What I have learned is
every parent is diffrent in their beliefs and goals with adoption. I
think personally me thanking the birth mother for my son brought
her peace and in return she wrote me and brought my family peace. Hopefully all will do and write what they feel it is already
a situation that pulls at your heart strings.....If its thank you or something else..it doesn't matter, what counts are the children.

[nikki27]

I'm sorry if that sounded rude. I did not mean it that way I just feel diffrent then you about "thank you". I think simplicity is sometimes all that is needed. Sorry thread starter the
post got off subject. Heated emotions. I hope my prev. post helped you.

Nikki

Mommy to two of the cutest angels
Joseph 2 and Sommer 8
and another one somewhere on the path..
hopefully home soon.

[bellmicki]

as a new birthmom(dec 15 2004) i wpould like to tell you that you need to take a moment and think about the fact that your bmom will get so much gratification form these presents being in the same home as her birthdaughter. i sent my daughter home in an outfit i bought and an angel that sings the lords preyer. the tought that littlr angel is in her crib wispering those sweet words in her ear becuse i can not be there to neal at her side and do it myself help me to feal like a small,small peace of something is there for her. the fact that i touched that angel and placed it with her at the hospital make me feal close in a way. you will never understand what this bmom feals like and no one expects you to, but those little gifts carry so much more with them on the way to your home than you will ever be able to fully apperciate. but your daughter will. this is not meant to be negitive, only a check. everyone needs to be but ib check every now and then. and no i don't think a phone conversation will help you or her. maybe a couple extra letters this first year would help. this women took 9 months from her life that she will never get back to carry a child she won't get to raise. i dont think axcepting this gift is going to harm any one.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Presents, unless interfering with your religion, lifestyle choices, etc (meaning sending (extreme example) satanic presents when you are devoutly Catholic) really have no reason to be turned away. Clothes can always be worn, no matter who they are from. Toys, if they are age appropriate, can always be played with if not by your kids then by other kids that happen to visit. If anything, presents, letters and cards can be boxed away for your child to read at a later date in time. My daughter's Mom saves all cards-slash-letters that I send for Munchkin to read later in life. I try to send them on holidays but forget sometimes. So, to make up for the ones I forget, I send a random little card to add to her box. These letters are vital to her later in life.

As for the name issue, a boundary needs to be set and that rests, unfortunately, on your shoulders. You need to discuss with your child's birthmother that you have decided on a name and that changing the name at this point in time could result in confusion for your child, which neither of you should want. Inform her that when your child is old enough to truly understand the adoption, you will tell her (or she can tell her, or whatever you decide as part of YOUR boundary) that her Birthmother had a different name in mind. We all choose different names for personal reasons. And that's okay. You just need to set a boundary not only for your personal comfort (though, that's nice, too) but for your daughter.

I'm rambling as it is late and I have insomnia. In short, set a boundary about the name and, if you feel you need to, a boundary about how many packages can be sent. (Meaning gifts. Letters should be welcomed and stored.)

Good luck. If you need some advice on how to set a boundary without freaking her out or crushing her spirit, jot me off a PM. I'm usually around. Even at random hours such as this.... need sleep.