[lilifelover]

I have a question:

I have an open adoption. It's extremely open to the point where I have become attached to even the adoptive mother's mother and younger sisters. Finalization is comming up in May. I chose this family in hopes that they would keep their word of being completely open and honest with me for life. So far that has been what has happened-we have a relationship, we see eachother several times a month...the adoptive mother and I are even a part of the same scrapbooking club. It might be an unfounded fear, but with finalization comes independence from the agency's jurisdiction. The agency is an openness advocate. I wonder if it is just lip-service. I wanted to ask adoptive parents that have participated in an open adoption without offending my adoptive parents. I will bring this up somehow before finalization, however....but I just wanted a heads-up on what you have done in your adoption to better phrase what I have to say and get an idea on what they might say.

The APs are bringing my daughter and her big brother over this weekend so that they can meet my father's parents (who are also traveling here) for the first time...and my grandparents can meet their only greatgrandkids for the first time (yes, we have adopted my daughter's brother into our family as our own in the absense of his own birthmother). I think it would be a good time to bring this up because it will be in a familiar private setting instead of someplace public-or even on finalization day-which would be worse.

So please, let me know what happened after the agency pulled out of your adoption. Did you remain at the same level of openness? Pull back? Continue to work on your relationship?

Thank you
A New BirthMother

[lilifelover]

I have decided to post a poem I wrote recently about the adoptive mother and myself...take it in stride, it's from my heart.

She & I
Two mothers; she and I
We both know the truth
But each of us can't believe
That the other one loves you

I was your mother first
And she's your mother today
Two women joined at your birth
Two Moms committed to stay

You'll never call me mom
And she'll never have another name
She couldn't give you birth
And I could never give you away

Two women; She and I
It's not a fight, it's not a war
We're bonded by our love for you
That's what we're living for

When you remember why you're here
Think about these tears we've cried
You are special and you are loved
By your Mothers; She and I
-Faith
(copyright 2004)

[megsmom]

Hi,
It sounds to me like your adoption will remain open, with our daughters adoption we kept it open and still have it that way after 4 years, I feel this has been a huge bennifit to our daughter and her birth mom! I can imagine this would be somthing your thinking about, but It sounds like you have found wonderful parents for your child. With our adoption we never changed a thing with the openness its always been the same.
and Im sure the adoptive mom would have no problems talking with you about it sounds like your good friends and thats important.
Shannon

[Leigh131313]

I'm an adoptive mom, with NO intention of ever ending the contact with our sons birthmom.

I would find alot of consolation in the fact that they are involving their other child in your family. They seem to have the right idea...that it is a joining of two entire famillies. You guys are in the same scrapbook club? I doubt THAT is put in place with the agency!! LOL Sounds like you have a wonderful relationship, and you should discuss your fears with them....They have been in your shoes before, they worried if you'd follow through on your adoption plan after the child was born. They will understand and reassure you as best as they can. I know you will still worry....but i hope that gives you some peace
Lots of luck
Leigh

[chickenrunshrek]

Hi there. Adoptive father in an open, "family" adoption. Contact is dead after less then 4 years. Bmom hasn't contacted us in almost a year. She moved, but we don't know where. Last we heard she was pregnant again. (R, if you're reading this I hope you're O.K. Call us if you need help.) Bdad had another baby with current girlfriend and moved out of state. He was never really interested in a meaningful relationship. What was the point of everyone making such a big stink about having contact agreements and then never fulfilling them?

[lilifelover]

Actually, my fears might not have been too unfounded...
Currently, I keep getting the message that they are "too busy" for me. We are all busy, yes...I totally understand. I, personally, leave at dawn and often don't return until well after dark (take tonight for example). That's just what it takes to get through life...

But to "be too busy for birthmom" and not the list of other things they had going, such as saturday "us time" and seeing grandma down the street...I duno. I'm going to keep waiting patiently and sending the periodic email in hopes that they will let me love on my daughter, her big brother and the rest of the family sometime soon...

Hey Adad,
Not all birthparents are flakey, don't care or what have you. I'm willing to bet that at least every birthmother really really loves her child...you have no idea how difficult it is to try and work with someone who does not want to believe you exsist! Maybe someday...
I duno, I just got the "Why does it matter, you're just a birthmom" vibe from you. Could I have been wrong?

[chickenrunshrek]

"I duno, I just got the "Why does it matter, you're just a birthmom" vibe from you. "

I hope you aren't so ignorantly judgmental with the family to whom you relinquished your child. You have no idea what our family has been through over the past four years and yet you are so quick to jump on the "blame the adoptive parents" bandwagon. Read my post again, especially the part that is in parentheses. Not once did I generalize or indicate that I thought, "all birthparents are flakey, don't care or what have you." I was merely responding to your original posting, in, which you stated,
"So please, let me know what happened after the agency pulled out of your adoption. Did you remain at the same level of openness? Pull back? Continue to work on your relationship?" I thought that you needed to hear and understand that not all open adoptions turn out the way that all parties envisioned them being.

[tobeafamily]

Lilifelover,

We too are adoptive parents in a fully open integrated adoption. Our son is now 2 1/2 years old. Since then, his birth parents have had another son, whom they are parenting. They have a very 'rocky' relationship.

I would say that our relationship is different than what we envisioned. We all consider ourselves family, just as if we'd shared DNA, however we don't see or contact each other as often now as we did when Ryan was first placed.

For us, finalization brought the first time in two years that we weren't 'examined' by someone as parents - from application to homestudy to adoption plan to post-placement supervision we always had some kind of 'observation' going on and to be honest, we felt like we were in a fish bowl. Finalization brought the end of all that examination, and it was a bit odd. We did withdraw for a few months so we could figure out how to be a 'normal' family. Oddly enough, Ryan's bfamily seemed to understand that.

Since then we've found a new equilibrium - it does adjust every so often - where we now talk on the phone about once a month (same as before Ryan was born) and send pictures every 2 months or so. We travel to visit once a year and they understand the door is open any time they want to come to our house.

It's not what we'd envisioned, as I said before, but it works for all of us. I wonder if that 'normalcy' is what this afamily is working on figuring out now?

Just a thought.

Regina

[michellemartin]

My bchilds finalization for her aparents is at the end of this month. I'm a bit nervous, although I shouldnt be. I finalized 6 months ago, and we still talk all the time, even though they have absolutely no obligations to me anymore. After their finalization I was planning to give them some space just to be a family. I think that's pretty common, though, needing a minute to find where your family fits into the big picture. Write them a note and let them know the feelings you have. I'll proof read if you want me to. Hope it all works out.

[lilifelover]

Well, finalization was in May...
I did go. I probably shouldn't have, but the Afamily didn't mind...the lawyers thought it was weird...but I wanted to be in the video and pictures we made so that my daughter would know that I would always be there for her, even (or especially) when times are hard, or at least not as fun as we'd hope. So, yeah, we took pictures together and at least have photographic evidence of integrated families...who knows, maybe we'll be able to back that up for real someday.
She's now 13 months...almost 14 come to think of it. I hear she's doing well, talking up a storm even (can you imagine?) and thriving...I just hope they allow me to share some of that with them...to me, she is still that baby kicking in my tummy, or that little Angel in the hospital...hopefully soon I'll give my little heart an update...see how she really is now. Maybe they'll figure whatever it is out soon and start to follow up and continue contact in the way that I was promised before she was born.
I know a consistant open adoption is what's best for the kiddos...and that's what I want, an open adoption. Even APs can benefit from it, I'm sure.

[levigram]

Dear Birthmom to Faith,

I hope things are going well for the purposes of staying in contact with your daughter. Please, please do NOT let the adoptive parents intimidate you. You sound very sensitive to their needs but then again, you gave them a member of their family. How much more sensitive could one be?

Please update me on your contact with your daughter. The aparents certainly made it appear they were wanting all this contact before all the finalization happened.