[anina]

Hi! I have never done this but I need advice. We have an open adoption with my two year old son's birthmom. She has become very distant since the birthfather has come back into her life. I called her the other nite to invite her up she sounded excited but as yet to call me to set up day. I am very upset that we as the adopted couple are the ones to set up visits, write letters, etc. I am sick of it being one sided and do not know what to do from here on. We are thinking of just pulling away completely but do not know what is right. We would appreciate any input to help us.

Thank you

[echaos]

My only thoughts on you pulling away, is will you be able to (and comfortable) answering your child's questions later in life as to why you didn't keep up your end of the arrangement? It will be up to the birth mother to explain why she pulled away.

I know how frustrating it is. We write letters twice a year knowing that they are just sitting in a file at the agency. I am now looking at is a way of chronicling my son's life for him. We keep copies of all the letters in a scrapbook. That way he will know that we kept up our side and when (and if) he decides to find his birth mother she can tell him why she didn't. I don't delude myself into thinking that I will never have to explain to him why she doesn's call/write, but I will explain it as " I don't know why, I'm sure when we find her she can explain."

[bromanchik]

I think pulling away would be difficult to explain to your son later on in life. I look at it this way. There are many family members (and the birthparents are a part of your son's extended family) and good friends that we have where we put up with inconsistant behavior. I am sure that there are things that I do that drive my son's mom nuts as there are things they do that I am disappointed by. People are not perfect and relationships are sloppy, messy things. We cannot keep ourselves or our kids from disappointments. If she lets your son down, there are lessons to be learned from it. How many people do we really have in our life that do what we want or need them to do all the time?

It could be that her and the birthfather are at very different places in their grieving process and she is feeling pulled in both directions. Give her some leeway. Talk about it next time you talk. Some relationships are worth fighting for and compromise.

[Cleopatrick]

We have a very open adoption too, and the bmom and I have gotten to be pretty good friends. She has only ever called me once, and she has never written to me. I set up all visits, I arrange for pictures to be sent out, ect ect ect. The reason is, is that despite the fact that we are friends, the adoption causes a barrier that's hard to get around. I have no problems with her calling here, and I would love it if she would call to set up a visit. But she isn't, and may never be, comfortable doing that. She feels like she's intruding on our lives. When we talk on the phone, we talk for hours and rarely about our kids, but she still isn't comfortable calling me.

I also agree with bromanchick that the bdad may not be in the same place as her and she's feeling caught in the middle.

Hang in there. bromanchick is also right that some relationships are worth fighting for and compromise. If you've had a good relationship in the past it will probably come back.