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Originally Posted By Nicole

I am a bmom and I have a semi-open adoption. I send the family letters about every other month and they write to me and send pictures too. There is a possibility that the adoption could become more open. My concern though is if this is good for my son. I would dearly love to see him again, but I am not sure how confusing or difficult it will be in the future to have me in and out of his life. Is there anyone with experience with an open adoption that could tell me how the child handles seeing the birthmother upon occasion?

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Originally Posted By Jill

We have now 4 children through adoption. We have various forms of open aodptions. All have visited their birth children. Some certainly more frequent then others. The children ages 15 - 2 do not seem to "keep score". We try to keep the waiting period til next visit a time that we save copies of items to share like dance programs, ribbons from school and other important events to the children. We get doubles when possible so that they can give them to their birth families. When my oldest is wanting to hear from her birth mom , we just call her. It gives my dtr the control of being able to have contact whenever she is needing it, especially if it has been awhile since last visit. We live states away from each birth family so visits are a juggle for all. Visits give opportunities for good memories. I hope you will take the time to "Make a Memory" with your son. Best of luck!

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Originally Posted By Cindy

Has anyone seen the effects that open adoption has on kids once they hit the teen years? Please be honest when posting. Thanks

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Originally Posted By To Cindy

I've talked with a high school guy who is an adoptee in an open adoption. I can't say I *know* him, but we did talk once. He's not confused because this is "normal" to him. I'm the one who kept trying to convince him that it's more awkward than he thinks it is!

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Originally Posted By Gail

I have a 15 yr old (will be 16 on 12/9), who was adopted at 7 wks by open adoption. We did great for about 8 yrs, at which time we adopted a 4yr old thru an open adoption. We had maintained contact thru letters only with our older son's bmom She lived out-of-state and felt it best he not meet her until he turned 18. This was the general attitude with open adoptions when we did it in 1984. We lost contact with her when he was 6. Our younger son would receive ocassional phone calls from his bmom, who lived 1100 miles away and was in jail for the 1st 2 yrs we had him. It always tore him to pieces to talk with her. He couldn't understand why, if she loved him so much, that she "gave him up". He knew she was a drug addict and had taken him from shelter to shelter, but he still loved her and wanted to be with her. The fact that he had contact and our older son didn't caused the older one to very jealous and angry at his little brother and at his bmom for not maintaining contact. I have tried many times in the last 10 yrs to explain to him that things were done differently when we adopted him, that she loved/loves him very much, that she did what she felt was best for him. Nothing changed the fact that little brother could talk to his bmom and big brother couldn't. My husband & I have good, loving relationships with both boys, but we can't fill the hole left by the missing person. Our oldest loves me very much as his momma, but misses the bmom he's never known and can't understand why she doesn't "want" to have contact with him now. I've been trying to find her and have been unable to. As a teenager, he is angry at being "different" and doesn't like to hear the word adoption, even tho we've been open and loving about his adoption his whole life and it was never a problem until we adopted the 2nd son. He also has ADHD and I think he feels his bmom didn't want him because there was something "wrong" with him, making him undesirable. He's an awesome, funny, creative, charming, adorable, wonderful kid, who thinks he's stupid and no good. Nothing we say or do changes that self-image. I don't regret adopting either son, but it has been so painful to see our oldest son, my only "baby" hurting so badly. And I know his bmom loved him tremendously and I believe she has not stopped loving him, but is doing what she believes is best for him. I don't know that it would be best for him to meet her at this time, but I still want to find her, so that when the time comes they can meet. I want him to KNOW that she loves him and wanted him, but couldn't give him all that she wanted him to have. She was a loving, wise, caring, responsible young lady, who made a mistake.
I hope this helps you. You may email me directly if you like at gaillang@juno.com.

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Not to judge, of course, but this doesn't answer the question about the effects of a truly open adoption. Just because addresses are known, doesn't mean it's an open *relationship*. It doesn't sound like there has ever been a relationship in your case, at least not between the sons and bmoms. I'd like to know the effects on the kids who have real relationships/friendships/bonds with bparents. I think I'd be angry and doubt myself if I were your son,too. I'm glad you're looking for bmom.

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Originally Posted By birthmom Jamie

read the book ( children of open adoption )

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Originally Posted By bina

I think you could assume that your child will want more information and contact not less and that is what will be less confusing. I think til you hear otherwise from the child directly, that you should create a contact schedule that makes sense to you. Best of luck
-Bina ( amom to a 12 weekold son)