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Originally Posted By Susan

I have been going to the Adoption.com web site for about two months now so that I better educate myself on adoption. My husband and I are just in the beginning stages of the adoption process. I went to the birthmother's BB to see if I could get over my nervousness that shortly I will be talking to a complete stranger about our lives and hoping that they choose us!!!! There is a birth mom posting negative postings there about adoption. I was just feeling comfortable with some of the aspects of open adoption, but seeing that there is someone out there that turns this nasty a couple of years after the adoption I'm frightened of continued contact after adoption. Anyone out there that can reassure me?

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Originally Posted By dianeh

I read both of your posts about your dread. I am the amom of 2 girls, open adoptions with each. The first was semi-open, which we opened completely when our daughter was 2. (She's 4 now) The other started out completely open, and that daughter is 2 now.

We were very nervous about openness when we started out. That's why we went with the semi open at the beginning--and that was our agency's standard "minimun" at the time, if that's what the bmom wanted. I can tell you more specifically if you want to know, we can e-mail personally (jddianeh@southwind.net). Here's what I have to say about your fear...

1.)Counseling is of MAJOR importance--for both you and the bmom. Our social worker was *wonderful* in dealing with our fears realistically and with both the bfamilies. Our sw is still somewhat involved if we need her. She acted as go-between when we opened the older daughter's adoption, helping both sides see the other's point of view and working out a reasonable way to see the future. She also kept up with bfamilies after the adoptions and did some counseling with them for a while. If you don't have a sw you're working with, use some kind of facilitator. I don't recommend going it alone--it's not best for you or for bmom.

2) Read "The Spirit of Open Adoption" by Jim Gritter. It was instrumental for us. It will help you see just how it can work.

3) Remember that there are places you can go if/when things turn sour. I don't know where you are, but The Center For Family Connections in Cambridge, MA is a place to call upon for help in difficult adoption situations. I've known of others to use their services, though we haven't. I was at an open adoption conference recently where Joyce Maguire Pavao, the founder and director of The Center, was a speaker. It was really nice to hear her talk about their work there. I never realized that sometimes you can close an open adoption, work on issues with professional help, and then re-open it with different boundaries. We are in the midwest, but I asked our sw where we would turn if we ever needed that kind of help. She had several recommendations, so I know that help is out there if we search for it.

4) If you are dealing with a specific bmom, and things just don't feel right in your gut, don't be so desperate that you proceed anyway. If you can already tell that things are going to be very rocky, they will be. That will certainly not be the best thing for your child. You will know when it's right. I'm not saying it's easy or without pain, you'll have to work at any relationship, but it can work. We're living proof!

5) I recommend working with someone local, and being very careful about "stranger" matches.

hope this is helpful,
dianeh

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Originally Posted By dianeh

I forgot to add that good and thorough counseling, done well, should allow a birthmom to freely choose from a range of options. If she has resources and support and decides to parent her baby, great! If she chooses adoption, then has control over what kind, who the parents are, etc., she would (ideally) be less inclined to be bitter about not having a choice, having her child "taken" from her, etc., though she will still grieve. These choices should empower her and add to your sense of entitlement as well. I say "ideally" because, of course, not everything is ideal. Even if things *seem* ideal at the time of placement, they may not stay that way. All relationships have an ebb and flow. I've also learned that adoption is not an event, but a lifelong process.

Also remember that I'm coming from the amom's perspective (about the counseling thing), and a bmom may feel differently.

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Originally Posted By Holly

Adoption is what you make it. It's so simple, but it's so true. Your reasons for adopting will greatly influence you experience.

Also, when you take the time to 1) leave yourself some room to grow, and 2) work things out BEFORE they are to happen youre experience can be wonderful.

On point one: I've found it very helpful when considering open adoptions to leave yourself some growing room - meaning, start with little steps and work towards more. For example - maintain a little privacy at the start and open into more as things progress (We don't know last names in our adoption, but we've met twice and still have correspondence through mail. We're all at the point that if and when we want more involvement/openeness we'll 'grow'.) THE SUCCESS OF THIS IS DEPENDENT ON POINT #2.

On point two: Take the time to get to know your birthparents and they you before you make a lot of agreements. When you meet in person and have discussions you can better understand how and why you both feel the way you do - what fears you have, what concerns, what excitement, etc. This will make all the difference - an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

Best of luck!!
Holly

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Originally Posted By Kateri

The first thing that struck me about your post is that you mentioned going to a birthmother's board planning to make a contact. Although, as a birthmother, I am always happy to try and help a beginning adoptive parent understand adoption better, it is always bothersome when someone comes in not to understand the other side of the situation, but with the ulterior motive of meeting someone and getting chosen.

Another thing is that you have to accept that your happiness is going to grow out of another family's pain. And this pain can manifest in many "nasty" ways. Many women do get very angry after placing a child for adoption. And rightly so, I believe. Many were and are still coerced by parents or professionals, and made to feel like they had no business even thinking about keeping their child, and the decision was totally out of their hands. Others (like me) were not coerced, but we still grieve, and anger is sometimes a part of all that. And if you've ever grieved, you know that it can get very ugly.

I know there are birthmothers out there who's views and anger against adoption seem very extreme, even to me. But try to remember, these are mostly women who placed many years ago in closed, coerced adoptions. This is the anger of women whose children have been *taken* from them, forcibly or by grinding down and manipulation. These aren't the voices of women who made their own decisions, this decision, the decision that concerned the fate of their own children, was taken out of their own hands. If this happened to you, wouldn't you be just a little angry?

You may think that this never would have happened to someone like you. If you allow yourself to put yourself on a pedestal like this, you will never be able to understand you child's birthmom. Unplanned pregnancy happens to many different kinds of people. It happens to people who are *not* promiscuous, who don't have any diseases, who don't have drug problems, and who were using birth control responsibly. Condoms break, and even the pill isn't effective on everyone. And I think it's also true, for the most part, that the shadowy character most prospective adoptive parents fear would probably have had an abortion.

My advice to you in pursuing open adoption is to educate yourself. I don't mean just reading the articles on adoption.com, I mean reading things from different sources, different perspectives, different experiences. There are three sides to an adoption, you should know them all inside and out.

There happens to be an excellent board (not here) for all members of the adoption triad to debate their views. it has a good mix of people. I can email you the URL if you like.

I'm sorry I couldn't really reassure you. Birthmothers are not all like the one woman you read on the birthparents BB. Birthmothers today have a few more options, if they go out of their way to look for them. It is a lot more common these days for women to be placing their child for adoption because *they* think it's the right thing to do, not because that's what everyone esle thinks. But you are headed for some rocky roads ahead. This is not going to be a ride over the rainbow with a baby at the end. You are not going to find a woman who feels that your baby is in "the wrong tummy" (to quote the horrifically ignorant Rosie O'Donnell) and she is pregnant just for you. She is not a vessel for your happiness, and should not be thought of as such. You are going to find a woman, most likely young, who didn't go the easy way out and have an abortion, who is only doing best she can with what she has, and hating every step of it, because she loves her baby. In her life, she is going to endure misunderstanding and cold judgement from the people around her because of what she did. People *say* wonderful things about birthparents, but then they turn around and treat them like loose cannons, as if their birthparenthood has tainted them. The parents of her child, *you*, should not be part of that misunderstanding.

If you feel like you can't deal with all of this, you probably aren't ready for open adoption right now. If you really believe in the concept, counseling and reading will probably help. Perhaps I've been a little hard on you but the things I've talked about all will come up in one way or another.

best of luck in whatever you choose,
--Kateri

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Originally Posted By Susan

Thanks so much for all of your responses to my posting.

Kateri, I wanted to make a point to respond to your posting because I was concerned when you mentioned that I had gone to the BMom BB to make a contact. I wanted to emphasize I DID NOT go to the BB for contacts, I went there, because I am trying to understand the other side of adoption and the situations that are out there that people may be in when they want to speak with us.

I would never make the presumption that I am on a pedestal above anyone else. In fact, (to give you an indication of where I am coming from), it could be said that many people put themselves on a pedestal above me because I am not able to do something that many other women seem to do so easily. It was a good point that you made when you said that the BMom goes through an incredible grieving process. You asked if I had gone through that. My grieving comes from years of not being able to have children, of people asking callous questions around that subject.

I would like the URL that you had mentioned on your posting. I do appreciate your comments, as you indicated, I think you were a little hard on me. I agree that it takes time and I think good counseling to make this work. Hopefully, my continuing to read posts and interact with people on this BB will help in some part of the overall learning process.

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Originally Posted By Kateri

I'm *so* glad to hear that you didn't go to a bmom support board to make a contact. People do it all the time and I think it's heinous and gross.

I'm also glad to hear that you don't feel like you're "above" a young woman who got pregnant by accident. Again, I wouldn't have expressed this concern if it weren't very, very common. In this day and age it's hard to believe, but by some people I am still treated like a "fallen woman", like someone who has got something to be ashamed of, because I am a birthmother. People tend to think that if you got pregnant by mistake that's one thing, but then to be *so* desperate, in this age of public assistance and daycare, to actually do the *one thing* a mother should never do and give away your own flesh and blood. Then something must really be wrong with you. And so on.

I understand that infertility carries with it much grieving. When I said, "if you've ever grieved..." I meant for anything, any time, not just about babies. I was using it to illustrate that grieving is messy and not always politically correct. And you have grieved, obviously, over the children you unfortunately cannot bear. I have a dim understanding of how crazy infertility can make someone feel, what lengths even good and decent people can be driven to, through my own experience as a potential birthmother. (It's really weird when all sorts of people come around you who never cared about you before, handing you their profiles and start thinking of you as their uterus, carrying their baby. nice people too, not morons. people lose their heads to baby hunger, I guess).

I want to apologize for the hostile tone I took in my previous post. Obviously, you didn't deserve it. I've been lurking on adoption related boards for about a year and I've seen so much ignorance regarding adoption and birthparents that I'm compelled to dispel it whenever I can. In the future, though, I will try not to be so presumptive.

The other BB's I referred to are on iVillage. One the ParentsPlace.com channel, there is an adoption debate board (and boy do they debate!), as well as aparents, bparents, and a variety of other boards. On the ParentSoup.com channel, there are some boards for adoption as well. The birthparents board has a community leader who is an excellent source for book recommendations and resources, as she is also an adoption educator.

If you have any questions or concerns, you can email me privately. As I said before, I am always happy to help someone to understand more what it looks liek from the other side. I hope to hear from you.

Kateri
tkateri@hotmail.com

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Your last posting is so important for people to hear!! I have also seen those solicitation postings and I think it is important for adoptive parents to be more considerate and also see, more clearly, the BMom's perspective. The most important thing you said is that BMom's are the parents also, they share in the creation and raising of the child, they should and cannot be treated only as incubators.

I can't tell you how happy I am to have heard from you, I feel like I have taken another step in the learning process and I know that a we will find a BMom and BDad comfortable with us and my husband and I with them. I feel, when we are ready, that we will find a good situation for all sides.

I have heard of the ivillage but have not heard of the other sites. Thank you for the suggestion, I will check them out within the next couple days!

Thanks again and good luck.

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Originally Posted By Birth mother Jamie

My semi open is great we are pen pals & know each other on A first & middle name basis .Our visits are on neutral ground.I have no desire to know my Bsons adress.We love each other so much & his family & I feel so comfortable together.I just seen my bson for the first time A week ago since his birth 71/2 months ago.I fed him tutti frutti & played with him & his wonderful A family.I can say that after my visit my greif was cut down 80% .I no longer feel like I'm dealing with a death since I could not reach out & touch him.Now that I got to hold him & kiss him again I am healed.I will patiently wait until early winter or late fall for our next visit wich may be at a Chuckee Cheese or something.It is & has been a very possitive experience for our entire triad.We deal with an agency who is great.We are like a big family,agency workers & all.

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Originally Posted By Birth mom Jamie

I agree

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Originally Posted By Ronr

When I met my child's Bmom for the first time, we were both very uncomfortable, but with our facillitator, we developed a comfortable relationship. We met just twice, had a few phone conversations and I wrote letters with pictures. Our open adoption is now inactive and has been since the baby was about six mos. She told me that she was at peace now that she had met me and could picture her baby in our family. I'm really glad we had that meeting and if someday she feels she's ready to try again, I'm willing to work something out. My worker told me that many times after a few meetings this happens because the child does not know the Bmom and the adults have limited conversation. Good Luck with your adoption I hope it works out the best for both sides in your situation.

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Originally Posted By Tessa

For our children the open adoption did not work, they were so badly damage by previous expirience that face to face contact made them feel unsafe. We still have a semi open adoption where by we exchange letters and 'photos with birth mum. Whatever you do must be best for the child. I am pleased we met their birth mum and as the children get older they may want face to face contact. This can be arranged then, keep your options open. Good Luck.. It is worth it.

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Originally Posted By Perfect

Amen!!! You said it all so right....thank you

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Originally Posted By prayingforamiracle

Kateri,
I am so impressed by you and the postive outlook you have. We,also, are new at this and just like Susan, we have our questions and fears. Not being able to have our own child naturally just makes me feel all the more in "AWE" of birthmothers. I really "do" know in my heart the unselfish love that a bbmom must have to let go of something so unique and special. When I was younger and knew I couldn't have kids then (at age 26)
I hurt. But as time as gone on, I have hurt in a deeper way. It is no longer just hurt over not being able to carry my own. The void that only a child can fill will never ever be filled without the love and desire of the bbmom. She is our ONLY hope. Do I understand what she is giving?? when she gives me her child??? I certainly hope so (for it is LIFE in the true sense of the word)
Only aparents that haven't had enough time to deal with their "true lose" or parents that have their own, and it came easy for them, could "EVER" look at a birthmom that gave her wonderful child up for adoption and judge that person. They are ignorant of the true love it took to do that!

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Originally Posted By anonymous

Susan,
I went through what was to be an "open adoption", it has turned into a nsty affair but it works very well for many people. Please remember the birth parents are making a huge sacrifice, no one is doing any favors, adoption is to give a child or children a better life. In my case I was to recieve pictures, the FIRST month the potential adoptive mother told me she was writing thank you notes and had forgot me. Not a great start, then she informed me this was a closed not open adoption as had been agreed upon. These do work but you must show some sensitivity, when we look for parents for our children we want positive role models, not some one who has lied to get the children then forget where they came from. In my case there were lots of misunderstanding and a total lack of communication, neither the father nor I were provided an attorney, one attorney actually wrote to the father and told him they were inclined to believe he was not the father. Things like this is what makes a contested adoption, truth goes a long way, we have to provide our life history, in my case the family doesn't even live where they said. It hurts more than anyone will know to know these people were plotting this scheme before they ever met me but I get the blame from everyone. I really do wish you luck, if promises are kept and communication is open there is usually not a problem. I really do wish you luck, and make sure everyone has an attorney so everything is explained in advance, in my case we were told nothing which hurts even more. I will never understand why they felt such a need to lie, also I fell that the good ones are forgotten, the bad adoptions like mine go on forever and so stick in one's mind. I do wish you the best of luck.