[NCMom]

We received the following letter today, certified mail, along with all the pictures and keepsakes we have ever sent our birthmother. I am absolutely devastated and have no idea what to do next. The thing is, its not even from her, but her new husband. We have had such a wonderful close relationship. Should I respect his wishes??? Should I contact her independently??? What if she doesnt even know about this and just thinks we abandoned her?? Pleas read and give me your thoughts!

Dear Mr. and Mrs. *****,

I must request that you immediately cease and desist sending pictures, e-mails or correspondence of any kind to my wife. While I’m sure that you enjoy sharing your son with family and friends as any parent would, you must understand that your joy comes at the expense of extreme pain to ****. I would hope that in light of her sacrifice to you, that causing her pain is not something you are enjoying. My wife cried for days after receiving your latest letter. Her pain is unbearable to witness, and is a disruption to my family.

My brother and sister in law find their post adoption contact agreements with their daughter’s natural mother quite a nuisance 9 years later. While these agreements may have seemed like a good idea at the time, it is an intrusion on the adoptive parents, and now that I have seen “the other side of the coin” a cruel slap in the face to the natural mother. I’m sure you also will reach the same conclusion at some point, if you have not already done so, so let me take the opportunity now to relieve you of your burden. I find it commendable that you have abided by your agreement to this point; however continued reminders of this tragic event are no longer in ****’s best interest. It is time that she forgets his existence and move on with her life. With that in mind, I am returning his pictures.

Only contact in the event of extreme medical emergency in the future will be tolerated, and I will determine if that contact is really necessary.

Regards,

****

[JessTK]

We have also sent some pictures, and a letter to our son's birthmom, that were returned. We have decided to just keep things for her, make up our packages at the agreed to times, write our letters, and keep them until she is ready for them, and when she is she will still have all the things that we agreed to send and not have missed anything, because as time goes on you tend to forget what is happening "right now" if you try to catch up later. Hopefully these feelings he wrote to you are really those of your child's birthmother and not those of her husband. Hope this helps, good luck.

[dl]

How sad. How old is your son? Have you ever had any reason to believe that she was not coping with the contact and it was causing her extreme pain?

If there was a way for you to contact her independently I would do so. If for no other reason than to let her know that you received the letter and will repect their wishes but that if she ever changes her mind to let you know. That way at least you'll be aware whether she even knows he sent the letter. I agree, you don't want her to think you stopped abiding by the agreement on your own. He sure sounds controlling to me.

Good luck - let us know what you decide to do and how it works out.

[Resseda]

I agree with JessTK...I would continue putting together the letters and pictures for her, so that if she ever wants them, or your child ever asks about them, they are available.

Ress

[Emily K. Broggi]

This man is lucky I am not you right now!!!!!!!

It is not his business to write such a letter, unless asked by your son's mother. He did NOT indicate that **** asked him to write you. If youhave had an open honest relationship thus far, I say contact her directly. I could possibly see this man trying to 'protect' his new wife, but if he think that telling her (which I am CERTAIN he is) to 'forget her son existed' than he has no idea what is healthy for this woman.

If, after you contact **** and she asks you to cease the contact, then and ONLY then should it be an issue. This man is no one with regards to your son, his mother or the adoption. I cannot say I feel it is 'right' for anyone to close an 'agreed upon' open adoption, but the pain does become unbearable sometimes, however, most of us fmoms in open adoptions feel that the pain of not knowing would be far more unbearable...

I'm sure this is all over the place, but please, untily ou and she talk this out, do not take this guys's word for it, who the hell is he anyway!?

I am so sorry that this has happened...find a way to talk to her...

Good luck!
Emily

[BabsCanada]

OK today I am posting to all the ones that shock me - this shocks me.

If this letter had come from the birthmom, I would accept it and simply hope that in future she changes her mind and requests contact.

However, it comes from someone I assume is unknown to you - her new husband, sure, but do you know him?

He refers to other family members who are also adoptive parents - do you know them? can you contact them?

I would also be concerned about whether birthmom shares what he has put forth in this letter. What if she knows nothing about it? Has she initiated contact in past? Have you talked to her in person, or has all contact been by mail? Has she ever indicated to you that she doesn't want further contact? That it is too painful?


We saw our birthmom last month for the first time in almost 3 years. We have always been in written / telephone contact. When we met at a restaurant, our daughter went and hugged her after being prompted gently by me ... I thought it went OK but then saw birthmom quietly dabbing at tears and trying to hide them ... almost made me cry, to think that this might be too hard on her ... but she recovered quickly and we had a wonderful visit.

I thought afterwards that there could be NO way I would ever understand birthmom's pain. But if, after all this time, her new husband wrote us and said No More Contact, I would seriously question it.

I just don't know. Can you think of any alternate routes to find out whether she is really in favour of this? If contact truly is too painful for her, then you have to accept it. I am only concerned that the request/demand is not coming from her.

Babs

[BabsCanada]

P.S.

After reading posts of others, who were probably typing faster than I!!! I think you probably should initiate contact directly with the birthmom, and let her know that you will respect the decision if it is truly her desire, but that you would welcome future contact whenever she is ready. I just have this gut feeling that the new husband is the only one who is writing this letter. It's certainly possible and worth your effort to find out.

Good luck

[Sharon]

I would not break off the contact unless and until you hear from the birthmother personally. Your letters are not CAUSING the pain and depression. The pain is there. It isn't going to go away because you stop sending pictures and letters. It sounds like the one who is finding the contact a nuisance is b-mom's new husband, who understandably wants a happy wife. It may take him a few years of marriage to realize that there is no way to make the adoption or its aftereffects go away. The child was not his, and it's understandable that he wants no reminders of it, but when we marry someone, we also marry their past. Everyone brings emotional baggage into a relationship. So far, you've heard HIS feelings, HIS opinions, and HIS reasons for wanting you to discontinue contact. You haven't heard anything from her. Until you do, I would just pretend you never received that letter and carry on as usual. If at some point the birthmother DOES in fact ask you to stop corresponding, I would still continue to write letters and just save them, not send them. Perhaps there will come a day when she'd like to hear news and see photos of her child again. But for now...until you hear otherwise...I would assume she still wants contact. After all, her new husband might be gone by this time next year, but her child will be her child forever. That's my take on the situation. I'm sorry you've been put in uncomfortable position, and I respect and admire you for holding up your end of the open adoption agreement. I can appreciate the fact that it's not an easy thing to do, and I'm sorry that a possibly well-intentioned but misguided outsider has chosen to interfere by involving himself in your relationship with the birthmother of your child. Best of luck to you all, Sharon

[ALICAT]

I am a birthmom and am totally appalled by that letter my first thought is "Who in the heck does this guy think he is?" It is NOT his place to terminate contact he is way way way out of line and honestly, If My hubby pulled a stunt like that I would no longer be married to him. I would contact the birthmom and if she says stop then stop but...... do not go by what this man says sounds like HE is the one with the issues about adoption. ALICAT

[MkMw]

NCMom -

Do you have any contact or could you establish some with another member of your son's birthmother's family? Or the agency or attorney who helped you all with the adoption? How about Social Services where she lives - the letter has some definate "warning signs" of a potential abuser.

michelle

[sspete]

Big Red Flags are all over this!! How sad that someone made this choice for this bmom. I would most assuredly find a safe way of contacting her directly and speaking to her before I made any decisions. I cannot even imagine my husband doing such a thing to me. He would never!! I would go directly to the source you went through for the adoption and ask them what you should do. Maybe they have a way of contacting her directly. I can not believe that he sent you the pictures back also. That is just horrid. I feel so much pain for this bmom! We as bmoms need a lot of support--this husband sure is lacking in that field. My prayers are with you. I would not want to be in your situation.

[MomTo1]

I would agree with everyone else. Is there a way you can contact the birthmother without the husband knowing. For him to say she must forget about her son, is cruel! It does sound like he is making all the decisions for her. I would bet, she is not aware of it. He might even go so far as telling her YOU abandoned HER. This is probably his motive for secretly sending you that letter.

I feel your relationship is with your son's birthmother and not her new husband. Do what you can to find out her real feelings.

By the way, I recently asked my daughters birthmom if all the pictures and the upcoming visit is causing her pain. Her reply, "not seeing my child would cause me more pain. While I am learning how to deal with my pain, I want you to know, that it belongs to me. I do not want you to feel you caused me pain. You have done nothing but help me deal with my pain and I thank you for allowing me into her life."

Good luck in your journey....

[NCMom]

Well, we had a private adoption, so we don't have an agency to go back to. We met our birthmom through friends. We were at our sons birth and even attende Lamaze classes with her. She even pumped breastmilk for him for 6 weeks! Our birthmom is older (40) and relinquished because the b-dad was abusive and would not support her. She was literally afraid for the babies life. We were actually overjoyed to hear she had met and married a nice man and had heard through mutual friends she was very happy. We do not have visits (she thought it would be too hard) but we have enjoyed a loving and informative writing relationship. However we have received nothing from her since she announced her engagement. Our agreement was for pictures and letters around his birthday and Christmas, but there had been more than that until now. Ive always been comfortable with what she was comfortable with. She honored every one of her agreements and from what I have read here, went WAY beyond what most birthmothers do to include us and make us feel secure and special. I was at every doctor appointment, every ultrasound, held her hand during the amnio etc etc. She even let me stay in the room with her!! The hospital staff said they had never seen anything like it! We had them in tears! And now the idea that she wants nothing to do with us or her son??!! Im sorry if Im rambling but I think yesterdays shock has worn off, and Im feeling unbelievable sadness.

Now you can understand why this letter has come as such a shock. I have quizzed our mutual friends extensively and they assure me that her husband is not at all abusive or controlling and he "Treats her like a Queen". The only negative thing we have heard through the grapevine is that when our BMom told him about giving up our son for adoption, he had expressed an attitude that he felt she had been "taken advantage of" by people who were "desperate for a baby". This attitude surprises me, as I have heard that his brother and sister-in-law have adopted.

Anyways, I asked my friend to let her know that we got "her" letter and that we will continue to hold her pictures and letters if she ever changes her mind. I guess we will find out from her reaction if she knew of his letter or not. I just dont want to cause trouble for her in her new marriage. But on the other side of it, it just kills me to think someone is turning this beautiful thing into something ugly. She loved and trusted us at one time and I'm devatated to think that someone has convinced her we took advantage of her and may even lead her to believe we broke our agreement.

Thank you all for your support!

[sspete]

Since you have grapevine connections can you ask them to find out if these are really her wishes? If indeed they are, it is because the pictures and letters are painful. I would continue to file them away for her, because we know she loved him by all that she did for you and her baby. My prayers are with you!! Many blessings to you for wanting the best for She and her bson. You are a great mom!

Here`s my 2 cents, This guy is a jealous jerk! Ignore his rude letter and talk with the birthmom or however you guys contact one another. email, letter etc.

I pray this guy never gets to have a relationship with your son.


iso son born July 18 1982 in Gainesville Ga
northeast georgia medical ctr