[dougandheidi]

Hi. I am the adoptive mom of the two most beautiful children in the world and I am so excited to see the changes in LDSFS over the last 4 years! My daughter, who is now 4, was adopted in a semi-open adoption through LDSFS and we had contact through letters and pictures once a month for the first couple of years and then once a year until she was three. (We've since had more contact, but that's a whole other wonderful story! Tee hee.)

However, my son's adoption is totally different and I am SO excited! First let me say that my children have the BEST birth mom's ever and they are so wonderful! I hope my children get their best qualities! Laugh. Anyway, my son is now almost 10 months old and the policy has changed! Our adoption was semi-open for the first 6 months (until finalization) but after that we now have the freedom to work out as much or as little openness as we want with our son's birthmom. I was so excited for that. For now, his birthmom still only wants letters and pictures, but I am excited that we can ask or she can later if her needs/wants change. Isn't that great!

I truly feel that each adoption is different and it should be between the birth parents and the adoptive parents (flexible as time goes by) with how much contact is wanted. I am so excited that the avenue through LDSFS has now opened to allow those truly involved to make the agreements or change the agreements depending on each party! I have noticed a lot of people on this board questioning the contact with the birth family and adoptive family so I just wanted to share for anyone out there that wasn't aware of these new changes within LDSFS.

We were so excited for the changes and just thought I'd throw this out for everyone's opinions! So what do all of you think?

Hugs,
Doug and Heidi

[aspenhall]

Just Curious, We are prospective adoptive parents just starting the process and I was wondering what effect having the birthmom involved has on your children, how much do you tell them, and how young? I personally feel like I would become great friends with a birthmom, but I wonder if the children have and confusion or anything related to the level of her involvement. And how is her involvement explained?.....I am just trying to get a feel for how to handle the semi open adoption with my children...I am very pleased that we have this option now also. It will be a tremendous help to my children with their future geneology. There seems to not really be any feedback from adoptees in open/semi open adoptions....probably because they haven't grown up yet. Still I wonder how I should approach the subject with my children

[dougandheidi]

Hi. Sorry I didn't reply sooner. My computer has been having problems.. sigh.

I'm not sure how to answer your question yet....our adoptions are still semi-open. Our daughter's will probably always be that way because she was adopted during the times of semi-openness and that is what the agreement was. With our son, it's still semi-open for now so we'll see in time. We left it open ended with us and the birth parents so if contact is ever wanted or needed, we could do that instead of having it dicated that we would send letters and pictures for 3 years and then nothing. That way if his birth parents want more, they can ask and if we want more we can ask. It's hard in adoption to say we will feel this way today but tomorrow we could change our minds so.....we like having the "option" that we didn't have before.

We were just excited because we now have the flexibility with LDSFS to make those decisions for ourselves with the birth parents instead of having the agency dictate them to us. :-)

Is anyone in a completely open adoption already out there that can answer her questions?

[lyra smith]

WOW
I am sooo excited for you all who have the chance to have an open adoption. My sister is on the board of LDSFS and they have been working really hard lately to get these to open up. We are all so happy. You have no idea how much my open adoption has helped with my grief and pain. I truly know the Lord knew I needed it that way. Like you said each person is different and each situation it’s different so what ever works best for you. As a birth-mom I can say that ...It’s ABOUT TIME!!! heheh I really think that many people have had misconceptions about open adoption for so long. I really hope this helps. Like the ads say," It's about love". What greater thing then to have 2 women who love that child more than anything. How beneficial it would be to know your birth-mom and be able to look in the mirror together. A person's heart, (especially a Childs) is never to small for more love. It is the greatest thing to have such a great relationship with the adoptive parents of my son. It's so sad that in adoption there are so many issues between people.
Anyway YES I think this knew system is going to be amazing and really help many families. I think that there are going to be more girls who choose adoption because of the new rules. I didn't place with LDSFS because I knew I needed to have an open adoption.. I was really fortunate that the lord had a great LDS family in mind for me and made it possible for me to find them. I'm sure there are girls out there that are like me and maybe not so fortunate; and end up keeping their children.
Anyway enough for now, I just think we are all so blessed. I pray for all those involved with adoption daily.
Good luck to you all
lyra

[dougandheidi]

Lyra,

I couldn't agree more! It is about time! <grin> How does your open adoption work? How often do you have phone calls or visits and how long ago did you place? I am so excited that it is working so well for you! Are the adoptive parents close enough to have contact? I think that would be one of the hardest things about open adoption is if there is distance involved in the relationship. Our experiences with our children's birthmom's are so wonderful and we know that they love "our" children with all their hearts just like we do. It is about love and sometimes I'm afraid that somehow gets lost in the process. Children are placed in our homes in love and received in love. How much more love can there be? The line from the poem that states "who am I a product of, neither my child, just two different kinds of love." (Or something close to that anyway! :-)

Thank you so much for posting. We were really excited for this change. Unfortunately now (just when they are getting things right!), we won't be able to use LDSFS for another adoption because we already have two children. Unless, of course, we have someone that refers a birthmom to us and she likes us. But at least we snuck into the new policy with our son! We are greatful for that! We are excited to see where these new roads lead us! If you don't mind sharing about your adoption experiences, I'd love to learn more! It's so good to learn good things about adoption from good people! All to often it is always negative and we are proof that adoption CAN be a GOOD thing! Tee hee. I agree, we ARE so blessed!

Hugs to you!

[lyra smith]

hey there.
OH I love talking about my adoption. I have been so blessed and have learned so much about myself and the divine daughter of God that I am. I could not have had a bigger testimony booster then this. Joshua is 14 months old and is just the cuttest kid in the whole world. I never thought that I could be so happy after all the grief and pain. Adoption really is the coolest thing in the world. I feel like I am part of this elite group of people. We all are so different yet have so much in common. I love meeting knew people to share my experiences with. Anyway, I talk so much and love to listen to others stories. So please e-mail me at Lyras64@hotmail.com I have so much more to say but not much time right now.
thanks for the reply.
lyra

[Happybusybee]

Hi Everyone,

First - Hi Heidi! So good to "see" you online. Thanks for posting on this topic!

We have adopted two children, and Heidi is largely responsible for our second. Our first was adopted 5 1/2 years ago. As Heidi mentioned, things were quite a bit different then. We were not allowed to have any pictures of the birthmother and she was not allowed to have any of us - only of our daughter. We met her twice, once one month before our daughter was born and again the night she placed her in my arms. We agreed to send letters and pictures every month for the first year and then once a year until she was three (unless more was wanted). I was very nervous at first to meet with her and she was nervous too, but once we started visiting everything became so comfortable that by the end we all found ourselves wanting more open information. But a loving and wise worker made sure that we stayed within the guidelines. So we built our relationship with the letters back and forth before her birth and continued after placement. Our birthmother told us she was not a good writer and we got three letters from her during the next three years - all of them by the time she was 9 months. In her third year package I told her how I wanted to continue correspondence but only if she wanted it. Then I waited . . . and waited. . . and waited. To my wonderful surprise we received an e-mail from her through our adoption site the summer before our daughter turned four. She wanted to correspond via e-mail and the agency said we could but had to follow the guidelines of once per year. We were both crushed. Long story short, I prayed about it and decided I should send her a direct e-mail telling her that we would love to correspond outside the agency but if it freaked her out to forget I'd sent it. 10 minutes later the phone rang and it was her! The rest of the story is equally wonderful and incredible. We were able to attend her temple wedding a few months later and although she has now moved back to Arkansas we still talk and correspond through e-mail. In fact, she is now expecting their first baby and we couldn't be more excited. I LOVE sharing our story and talking about it.

Our second adoption has been more open than the agency would have liked, but we're keeping to the guidelines until we get it finalized - which we hope will be very soon!

I'll end here, but please ask away with any questions as I'm very happy to share!

Hugs,
Holly

[jjjetplane2]

Sometimes, I wish my kids could have as openess in adoption as yours.

I have been open with him about who his birth-mom was with her name, 'in her tummy' story & photo. Really only talked about it a couple times. He has now asked to see her.

We had agreed I would send photos & letters and I agreed she could send us things. On his 4th B-day I recieved a bag full of toys and written with black marker all over the boxes & toys was 'NEVER forget me', 'I am your REAL Mom', 'I love you, you are MY baby', You have 2 brothers, etc. ,etc.

I told the worker I will only accept pictures and letters from now on and have gotten nothing since.

[rightmom]

Hey, jjetplane2!!

Many of us learn how looking at a package from a birthmom can give us shivers!! We have a birthmom that sends clothing for our daughter that is so immodest that I do not even let her see it! And she is only 6 years old!! I have learned that I quickly move the package to my bedroom and look at it with my husband that night and we decide what we can share and what we cannot. If our birthmom had written on the toys or clothes the same things as you described, I would have taken your same action! Good for you! Who else will protect our children if we do not?

I feel for the birthmothers out there---it is so hard to give up a child---I don't think I could do it!! But with my infertility there is no choice, but adoption. We have actually just finished our 6th adoption!! Some have been easy and some have been difficult, but I am so thankful for our birthmoms and their choice to give their child life. I love adoption! But I will continue to protect and love my children--we are very open in our discussions about they are adopted (they are biracial, and "look" different than mom---they call themselves, "brown"), but that doesn't mean I will let them become confused or hurt about the whole thing.

Keep sending your pictures to the birthmom---that will help the situation. And enjoy your family!

Best of luck!

Rightmom

[Happybusybee]

Hi there,

As I read the most recent posts I was again reminded of the fundamental and most important factor in relations with birthparents. Without sounding cold, I really think the turning point is hinged on the reason for placement. When a birthmother chooses adoption for her child for the child - with his or her needs always being the most important, the focus is quite different than when a mother places a child because of her own needs or wants - or more specifically, what she sees she cannot provide financially, etc.

The reason I think this basic difference is so monumental is because the one who places for the child generally seems to be the well-adjusted one who is happy about her choice, even through the heartache of placement. The one who places with less focus on the child seems to be the one who wants more to make herself feel better - whether it be money for expenses, personal notes to the child like was described on the toys, etc.

Our first birthmother was absolutely floored and flabergasted to learn of birthmothers that wanted money for reimbursement of any expenses. She said the thought never had and never would enter her mind to get "something" like money out of placing a child. Sadly, this is the main reason why so many young birthmothers won't/don't work with LDSFS because they provide for their needs, but not with a check.

The confidence in our daughter's adoption and placement grows stronger with time. Her birthmother has always affirmed her position as knowing that our daughter is where Heavenly Father wants her to be and that she has never once regreted her decision. Consequently, because of her great strength and strong testimony our relationship is exquisite. Truly, you get what you give. I have nothing but the strongest desire to always return and expound on the great love, trust and honesty that she has always shared with me. Now, we have talked through wedding plans when she was married in the temple, are talking through her current pregnancy with great anticipation and joy and continue to build the relationship that we began almost six years ago. I love her more than words can tell and thank the Lord every day for this incredible blessing. I only wish I could duplicate it!

Best wishes,
Holly

[amy's mom]

If LDSFS has loosened their grip on needed information, that would be a godsend. We had a difficult time regarding Idaho adoption.
Does anyone know if they are now willing to help us get informaton regarding contacting birth mother and father for health related information?
Has anyone ever unsealed an adoption record done by LDSFS?
The adoption was finalized in Idaho.

[allies]

Our daughters are both adopted thru LDSFS - one is almost 7 years old and the youngest is 4.5 yrs. Our 2nd daughter's bmom had a very difficult time after placing and got pregnant 4 months after. She kept that child, eventually married that bfather and had another since then (she is barely 23.) We have always written tons of letters and sent lots of pics up until the stated agency guidelines said we could only correspond yearly. They only allowed ONE pose to be sent each year which drove me a little nuts. When she turned three and it was time for a letter, we had just gotten beautiful portraits taken. I argued with LDSFS about letting me send more, got a "no" and did some praying about it. I called the bmom's father, whose name I saw at the hospital placement, and sent all the poses to him so he could deliver to her. He was very nice and grateful.

A few months later we ran into bmom's mother (they are from the city we just moved to.) She recognized us and we all hugged and things have opened up steadily since then. The family is wonderful and loving and bmom has stabilized her situation. I have a very close relationship with her, although our girls do not know who she really is. She is not living the gospel by any means but she is very sweet and sincere. We go and visit "mommy's friend" occasionally and it is wonderful for me to see how happy this makes her. They do not know where we live or our home phone but we talk quite often to bmom and sometimes her husband, who is quite understanding. The grandparents and great grandparents have had joyous reunions with this sweet little girl and I know they are eternally grateful for our willingness to share her life with them. It all makes me incredibly happy.

I do now, however, think that it will be a good thing in the future to have our daughter be in contact with her bmother. Teen years are difficult enough without having the option to run to someone who is more understanding when things don't go your way. We are in the same city. I don't know how this will all play out but all I can say is that we pray a lot about all this! It IS about love.

I welcome thoughts and suggestions about how we are handling this. Thanks.

[sarahjoann]

I am so excited about the changes in openness! We adopted our dd through LDS FS in June 2001 with semi-openness. Something none of us really wanted (all wanted an open adoption). Well, after the first year, we were told that we couldn't write monthly & birthmom was not allowed to send any pictures either. So, for a year we searched for each other. When a friend of mine mentioned she was able to email her dd's birthmom I decided to try including our email addy in the next letter. What do you know, the SW didn't cross it out!!

We have since been in contact with birthmom and have gone to visit her. We are hoping she can come visit us before she moves out of state in June.

Those of you who have open relationships... would you mind sharing how you work the boundries? I'm not worried about birthmom (specially since she is moving out of state). However, birthGma is living only 40 mins from us and now all of her kids are a minimum of 12 hour flight away. I don't mind her coming here, calling or emailing but I just don't want the "pop-in." KWIM?

(and, Jen if you are reading this... thanks for telling me about this site. The one I used to post on is non-existant now. Also, the family isn't aware of our new openness yet. We are waiting to all be comfortable first, kwim? So, once again secret?)

[Happybusybee]

Hi Sarah,

I'm happy that you asked for input. We have two adoptions and both are quite different.

Our first adoption is totatlly open and has been the most wonderful experience. It's a dream situation from begining to end. In this case we got in touch four years after placement (I mean outside the agency). We were told we could e-mail but only once a year and that just wasn't good enough! We were very fortunate that her worker was a big help in getting us together.

Our second adoption isn't finalized yet, but we already have complete information on each other. It's a long story, but ironic in that the agency is largely responsible for it. In this case, and at this early stage in our son's adoption we have the best (and closest comparitive to our relationship with our daughter's bmom) in the grandmother of our son.

In our first adoption we have never had a need to set any boundaries. Monica is from Arkansas and moved to Utah (which is where she was when met again). She was in Provo for a year before we got in touch and she moved about a year later with her new husband back home. We lived about 4 hours away at the time and we saw her as often as possible with our monthly meetings at headquarters in Salt Lake. We were with her when she was married and met all of her family again then. It was like a wonderful family reunion. Now we continue to e-mail and call each other as often as possible. We wish we could be together more! The best way I can describe the entire thing is she and her family are just like extended family to us. We communicate and visit as often as possible and wish we could do it more!

In our second, we're still pretty early with our son just hitting the seventh month mark. His bmom has struggled more than Monica did and she has a little two year old. I can already see that this relationship will not be as much as our first, but I think it will still develop well. The main difference between the two is the personality and personal testimony of the birthmothers. Time will tell.

So much to share and so little time to write! LOL If you have any specific questions I'd be happy to share more.

Hugs,
Holly

[sarahjoann]

Holly,
Thanks for your reply. I have a few more questions for you. When we first started the more open relationship with Monica (outside of the agency) how did you go about things like meeings, phone calls and other contact? How were you able to establish the *ground rules*?

What is the relationship (how open) with the birthgrandparents and how does it work for you?

We have been calling & emailing Josalyn's birthmom now but I know when she moves we will just be emailing letters and pics. But I am hoping we can still have regular contact with her parents.

Hope that all made sence. I read your post yesterday but then this site wouldn't let me post. I was also curious if you think the difference in relationships your relationships with the birthmoms will effect your kids? I know I read a post on a different board about how one birthfamily sent bday gifts for both kids birthdays and the other didn't... it had me thinking. We are lucky and Josalyn's birthfamily gave Hayden bday gifts too.

Ok, now I'm babbling!