[Lorie]

As some of you all know I placed my child. My question is...I am inactive and wanted to know if it would bother any of you to know that your childs Birth Parent is inactive. If that would change your opinion of them meeting their Birth Parent.

I am a good person I live my life right. The only thing that I have a problem with is the Word of Wisdom. Just because I don't go to church doesn't mean that I forgot what I was taught and it definately doesn't change how I feel. I have a one on one and I am in tune with the spirit...I fear (one of many) that I will be judged (even though we are taught not too).

After I had my child the ward treated me like an outcast not to mention my own family and I really never got any emotional support or help from either and I think that is why I don't go any more...

Thought I would come to this thread to get some insight....

Thanks for reading
Birth Mom
Lorie

[LaurelJ]

I would be sad to know that one of my children's birthparents was inactive just because the church has brought me so much peace and comfort and I would hope that others would find that there too...... For me personally though, there is nothing my children's birthparents could do (well, short of committing a horrible crime) that could make me love them any less.... They provided me with a family I could not have had any other way. My children are absolutely wonderful and I know that a lot of their darling personality traits come from genetics.... I cannot deny that - nor would I want to! My son's birthmom has written to us a few times and told us something hard that she has been through (sometimes through her own choices) and she has mentioned each time that she didn't want to tell us because she worried we would be disappointed in her.... I DO worry about her but I adore her and would never be disappointed in her! It breaks my heart to think she would think we would be upset with her! I am certainly not a perfect person and I would hope that others would be forgiving and non-judgemental of me.... so that is what I hope to be to others - birthparent or not. I'm sorry for the negative experience you had when your child was born.... unfortunately some people do judge others unfairly.... it's not right but it's done all too often....

To answer your question, I feel that when my children are adults it is THEIR decision if they would like to meet their birthparents. I would hope that their birthparents would never try to talk them out of anything regarding the church (or anything else that is positive in their lives) I will support my children wholeheartedly when the time comes for a reunion.... regardless!

Please keep us updated on what happens with your contact with the adoptive family.... We are all hoping for the best for you!

[jenqw]

Lorie, I am sorry that you are not getting the support that you need. I just don't understand that. I am an adoptive parent of a child whose birthparents are not active. In no way does it effect my wanting them to meet them if they desire. I love all of the birthparents in my childrens lives. Their activity or inactivity doesn't effect my feelings towards them. Of course I hope and pray for them constantly. I want them to be active, I feel it brings a great deal of happiness. But they are loved either way. Jenqw

[Lorie]

You know I have the up most respect for the church. I feel as though I am not worthy to go and a lot has to do with the way I was raised. We went to church every Sunday was in Road Shows and youth activity and when I got pregnant (with a non member-different race) all that security was taken away. My life growing up with an alcoholic abusive step father and a mentally disabled mother I turned the wrong direction. The church knew my family inside the church but outside and behind closed doors they had no idea. After the birth of my child not once did the church try to help me they put restrictions on me. No dances no youth activities nothing. Not only was I living with the pain of my daughter I was not able to express. Not to mention my home life the abuse was even worse. There are no words to express how I felt. Even though I believe in the church and remember everything I was taught they made me feel like I didn't belong there...it was so bad that I actually asked to be excommunicated from the church (didn't happen) religion was forced down my throat 7 days a week from home and church to where I couldn't breathe. I understand the teaching of "out of wed lock" but they all took it to the extreme.

My brothers are both elders and my mother goes to the temple once a week. I myself have to overcome the past and move forward which I am trying to do one day at a time. I didn't mean to share my whole life story but you know what this is the first time I have expressed how I feel about the church in 17 years and expressing how you feel is part of healing and I have a long way to go.

Thank you for your input and I know in my heart of hearts that my daughter is with a loving family and deep down inside I hope she goes on and gets married in the temple I myself would never take that away from her.

Thanks for reading
Birth Mom
Lorie

[Lorie]

Thanks prayers are always needed no matter who you are or what youre going through. I deal with my personal pain and issues daily and through prayer is the only way to cope. I pray that my childs Aparents are supportive and non judgemental and I have to admit because of my experience I can't help the fear that I have of rejection.

Thanks
Birth Mom
Lorie

[dynamic2003]

Phillipians: 4:13

Lori....You are in pain from the fact that you were shunned by your family and church for being nothing more than "human" [let he who is without sin cast the first stone...]

I think you are BEAUTIFUL!!! Not only is your child on your mind and in your heart, but you give ME hope as an adoptee that my bmom thinks of me too!

Jesus did NOT intend for us to "remain" in the church....he did not himself! We were "supposed" to go out into the world and share what we have learned with others who are lost.....[ I was involved in my afamily's church much the way you were too]

If God is in your heart, your spirit, your life.....NO ONE can "judge" your faith. You keep right on loving, caring and sharing.......Believe me, I don't know what I would do if I could not hear from other bmoms like you!!!!!! I would probably have "no faith" at all.

[Lorie]

Thank you for your thoughtful words I want you to know that hearing those words filled my heart. When you are surrounded by negitive all your life it almost seems foreign when someone tells you differently especially "beautiful"...I just wanted to let you know that your message touched me.

Thanks again...
Birth Mom
Lorie

Good luck with your search and thank you for your pm.

[mcdonaldjs]

It's been a couple of weeks since the last replies, but I just read this post.

I am also a birth mom. Fourteen years ago I gave up a beautiful son. I am now married with 4 children, and am in the process of adopting a 2 year old girl from Ecuador. It's been interesting to be on the other side of adoption.

I don't know how long ago you placed your child, but I am learning that LDS is making many improvements. I, too, was never followed up with. I look back and am amazed at how my adoption was handled. From the day I signed the papers, I never heard another word. I have decided that it is no use to hold grudges, but since I am currently adopting with LDS, I have let my social worker know that I think more should be done to follow up with birth moms. The church has a new program being implemented in the Salt Lake Valley. It is called the outreach program. If you live in the area, I highly recommend that you contact LDS, and find out how you can attend an outreach meeting. It focuses primarily on adoption-especially the impact of it on birth mothers. You will see your situation talked about and addressed. This program is shown in church during Sunday School, and is for the adults, as a wake-up call to pay more attention to their teenagers. I am very impressed with it. I hope you get a chance to see it.

Don't judge the gospel by how the "people" of the church act. We are all human-even the general authorities and first presidency. Keep close to your Heavenly Father, and you will be okay.

[Lorie]

I want to thank you for your response. It will 17 years this year when the adoption took place...

Unfortunately I am no where near Utah but it sounds like a great program and I am very thankful that the church is realizing this problem with the birth moms and are getting them the emotional healing that they need.

I have no problem with the gospel and its teachings I practice them daily. I am in tune with my Heavenly Father for he is the only one that has been able to comfort me through my ordeal. It has taken me 17 years to just now deal with the adoption and my past (not a pretty picture). For 17 years I put a lid on my emotions I was told by my family and church "not to talk about it".
I am truely working on trying to balance the "people" and the "church" and come to grips. I am not saying that I will be going to church tomorrow but my goal is to overcome the emotional scars that I received by the "people" and become an active member again.

Birth Mom
Lorie

[aspenhall]

You don't have to live in Utah to get the benefits of LDSFS they are in every state and they have counseling available for all problems. They also have forums for aparents to meet with birthmoms who have already placed to ask them questions and discuss issues. I think it would benefit you greatly to contact them and see what is available for you. I believe the link is
www.itsaboutlove.org they will have a list of how to contact any LDSFS in the nation. You sound like a very strong person. I am always in awe of birthmothers. I believe that God gives them a special strength to make these kinds of choices. If you need any support returning to Church, let me know. I will talk you thru it. If you can, it always helps to go with someone. It was awkward when I became active again, but it was WORTH IT and I don't think I will ever be inactive again. I have a much stronger testimony now, as an adult. I also teach Primary, which really re-inforces the basics. And I feel that I have some control over how people may be treated in the future, because I am teaching the future. Again, contact LDSFS in your area and just see what is available for you. Your knowledge and experience could help countless others in their paths in life.

[mintshastagrape]

How do lds people feel about adopting from a non lds person?

[aspenhall]

I can't speak for everybody, but as for me it wouldn't really matter. We are all children of God. If you do choose LDS Family Services, though, you should know that all aparents who use them must be living their life to a very high standard. We all make mistakes, but we have committed to living as Christlike as possible. You should also know that family is the center of our lives (2nd only to Christ) and your child would be raised in a very religious home. We believe that true happiness comes from following Christ and raising our families. We are taught to put our families first before anything (except Christ). LDS Family Services also provides many other services besides adoption. They are committed to strengthening the family. They offer classes on parenting, and counseling for just about everything, they help with drug/alcohol rehabilitation and offer workshops and support groups for many things. If you have any other questions just ask, I'm sure anybody here including myself would be more than happy to answer them.

[mintshastagrape]

i am not using lds services. my attorney knows some lds families thats why I asked.

[mcdonaldjs]

You are doing the right thing now. It's interesting that through out our life's experiences, we get everyone else's personal opinions about how we should handle things. I guess you could say that this response of mine is just that. I know that for my own experiences, I need to talk to someone very close to me, someone that I trust completely. If I didn't have my sister, mom and husband to vent to, I don't think I would have been able to heal emotionally as well as I have. And as with you, I find my relationship with my Heavenly Father essential. He is the one that I go to now when I am struggling. My testimony grew the most in my whole life when I was pregnant, because I felt so alone, and I had to lean on Heavenly Father, and the love of the Savior. I haven't been through any therapy since the adoption, but I feel like I've had what I need through my family and Heavenly Father. But I know that this isn't the case for everyone. I had a negative thought in my head about therapists until we started our process of adopting a little girl from ecuador. We are required to work with a social worker to do this, and she has thoroughly examined all aspects of us. We have got to know her quite well, and I now have a great respect for her and what she does. In the beginning of working with her, she missed numerous appointments with us because she needed to be there for a birth mom. She truly loves her birth moms and is so concerned about them. She is just one of many social workers, but I hope that she is a good representation of them.

I hope I haven't rambled on too much, and I hope that you can find some solace. What we did in giving our children to another family is one of the hardest things a person can ever do. If we focus on the fact that we gave a family the best gift anyone EVER will give them, then it helps us not have so much sorrow. I hope that you can find peace as I have. Good luck, I'll remember you in my prayers.

[mintshastagrape]

I think its okay for single people to keep their children. I think god thinks the same thing. god understands. I am glad the church i go to supports single parents. I am catholic. the church i go to is very loving and caring. they help single parents like help them with child care if they work or go to school.