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  #1  
Old 01-22-2003, 10:35 AM
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gonnabeadaddy gonnabeadaddy is offline
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Questions to Ask a Birthmom

We were matched with a birthmom back in december. We have been writting her letters. I am now running out of ideas as to what to write about. Anyone have some ideas? How deep should I go into talk about us preparing for the babies arrival? Is that a subject I should even approach? I don't want to offend her. I am at a blank.

Please. any input would be useful.

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  #2  
Old 01-22-2003, 03:56 PM
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Taryn Taryn is offline
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Tweetybird,

What are you looking for in an adoptive family? We just recently were certified last week and I guess as I read through our "Dear Birthmother" letter, I always think there's something else a birthmother would want. My husband and I wrote it from our heart, which is what my sister-in-law (a birthmother as well) advised us to do. Another friend of mine, also a birthmother, said when she was reading through letters that she wanted a family that wouldn't think of her daughter as second best, that she would be number 1 in thier eyes. Are there really people who would suggest that an adopted baby would be 2nd best to another child? I guess I just don't understand that. Any children we ever adopt or ever may possibly have biologically will always be equal.
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Old 01-22-2003, 09:38 PM
rightmom rightmom is offline
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writing to a birthmom

Over our years of adoption learning and doing we have been actively involved with several birthmoms. Even the ones that were always planning to not go through with the adoption (they needed us to take care of them while they searched for a way to make their own lives better and to get even more money, bless their hearts!) enjoyed hearing about the "new" things we were hearing and learning about pregnancy and new babies. We were always careful--just say a little bit and then see how they take it. One birthmom really liked talking about the natural herbs to take during pregnancy and how they can help, like raspberry tea, etc. Another birthmom didn't really like talking about baby stuff, so we asked her if she was a collector of any animals or anything. We discovered she really liked teddy bears and had fun finding her different types of teddy bears for her collection (on stationery, pencils, pillow, etc.) One birthmom told us all about her kitchen and how she collected black and white cows motiff on everything! she even sent us a picture of her kitchen! It gave us something in common to talk about when the grief of giving up a baby became hard---we became friends, not only because of baby, but because we searched for things we had in common. Good luck! Patience is the best thing you can pray for---become really good listeners! It pays off in the end--we have successfully adopted 5 wonderful children and we are so happy with them all.
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  #4  
Old 01-22-2003, 10:00 PM
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from a birthmom....

I know everyone is different, and everyone's situation is different. My little girl was adopted 2 months ago and I'm really happy with her new family. But her aparents didn't really ask me a lot of questions. They were with me when she was born and they visited me when I was in the hospital but they never asked anything about me or her birthfather. That hurts because to me its telling me that they won't ever be able to tell her anything about her birthmom. So, my suggestion is to ask even the stupidest thing. What I wish someone would have advised me from the beginning was to put together a profile of myself. I got to see profiles from families that were willing to adopt but no one asked anything about me. This way, my little girl would have had it when she was older....I hope this may help.
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  #5  
Old 01-22-2003, 11:46 PM
Roxanne Roxanne is offline
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Lightbulb

Yes ask the adoptive parents to keep a photo album to be given to you some where down the lane. Just a gift that you'll treasure a life time and years to come. Best of luck. Blessings. And A BiG HuG. Roxy
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  #6  
Old 01-23-2003, 07:36 AM
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gonnabeadaddy gonnabeadaddy is offline
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gumys,

thank you for your honest imput. That really makes me feel better to know what birthmoms want to hear. Everytime I start a letter I start tiptoeing over subjects. I think the next letter we write we are going to create a questionare, we really want to know who she is because she is a great big part of our lives and forever will be. Our son will know who she is.

It is always great to hear what birthmoms think. Thank you for youe input.
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  #7  
Old 01-26-2003, 01:14 AM
lyra smith lyra smith is offline
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gonnabeadaddy,
I would be really careful how much info you give her. Everyone is different though. I was fine to hear the info before my son was born, but after was a whole different story. Before I had the baby I enjoyed going places with the parents. I even help pick out his little outfit he would were at the sealing. But the first few weeks after he was born I hardly wanted to hear anything that had anything to do with them being happy. I really loved hearing about the baby but it was way to hard at first to think of them being so happy. As the months went by and I was able to have a visit, I began to feel more comfortable with the thought of them having all they had dreamed of. At that point I wanted to hear how they bathed him, what he ate, how much he ate, what they liked to read to him, everything! So I think the best thing to do is ask her(if you have that opportunity). Are you going through LDS? I didn't know you were able to send letters before placement?
Well best of luck to you.
lyra
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  #8  
Old 01-29-2003, 10:35 PM
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shnoogiepoo shnoogiepoo is offline
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Most wonderful idea I have yet heard.

the idea of finding out info about a birthmom and/or dad to be able to tell a child when they are old enough sounds wonderful to me. I am sure there are birthmoms that do not want any info given, but I bet there are lots that would, if nothing else, love to be asked. A little peace of mind if you will.

We can't adopt through the church because my husband isn't LDS so frustrating.
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  #9  
Old 01-29-2003, 10:47 PM
rightmom rightmom is offline
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don't give up hope

the Church Social Services isn't the only "good" place to adopt. There are several agencies that have good ethics and try hard to help everyone and that have their hearts in the right places.

I was personally impressed with A Act of Love in Utah---some people say they are too high priced, but today I found out that they have kept down their prices--especially compared to some of the other agencies in Utah who just keep going up and up and up! (The Adoption Center of Choice quoted me $23 or @24,000 for a caucasion baby and at least $17,000 for a biracial---BEFORE any birthparent expenses!!)

Even though there are mixed stories about every agency, (can any of us please everyone?) and some stories are soooo true they hurt!, there are babies out there who need their families and we just have to keep searching for them.

Adopt an Angel in Utah is great, but not a lot of action moving---A TLC Adoption in Layton, Utah is great to work with if you are looking at biracial or full aa--they have one set price and have some excellent staff members now--I have really been impressed.

Keep looking!!
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  #10  
Old 01-29-2003, 11:09 PM
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debbie hanson debbie hanson is offline
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hello.iam a birthmom of 6 bio children and an adoptee myself

even though i am in a search for my bio mom or dad at the present time........and the fact that i am 50 years old..........at the time i was adopted which was when i was 3 days old , my bio mom gave 2 little pictures of herself to my adoptive mom and wrote 2 letters asking that my adopted mom please never tell me she was a bad person for giving me up.......well i have clung on to those pictures and letters for almost 51 years and i cherish the thought that someday i will find her...........so please, if the occasion arrises, just let the birth mom know that you will tell the baby she was not a bad person but did have her reasons for giving up the child whatever the reason may be,,,,,,,,,and if there is anyway to save a picture of the bio mom to be given to the adopted child at a later date...then PLEASE for the childs sake DO IT!!!!!!!..........all the best to you and yours, may God bless you on your new arrival................written in love, Debbie
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  #11  
Old 01-30-2003, 08:14 AM
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gonnabeadaddy gonnabeadaddy is offline
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debbie,

thank you for the post.

It is very much in our plans to let our son know who his birthmom is. We have planned this from the very beginning. My wife and I see this as an extension to our eternal family. we will forever be connected. We are just a very open couple and our family as well.

Once again, I was touched by your post.

gonnabedaddy
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  #12  
Old 01-30-2003, 03:36 PM
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Bravo to you!

Gonnabeadaddy-
As a birthmom let me say thank you for seeking advice on how to treat this situation. It shows that you are really interested in the bmom and her comfort level. That is so great! Everyone here has had really helpful suggestions.
I wanted my daughter's aparents to want to know me and show interest, because that made me feel like they didn't just think of me as the baby provider. You and your wife seem to be doing that very well!
I personally also believe that you should share some of the excitement and planning that you are doing for the baby. It always reaffirmed my decision to see and hear the grins on their faces when they referred to "the new arrival". It reassured me that they really wanted her and they would love her so much! They didn't make me feel sad or pressured by sharing that but instead showed me that they were ready and willing to love her. The way they combined their joy over my daughter with their respect for and desire to know me I think that is what made me the most comfortable. It was like they struck a balance, they didn't make me feel like a temporary fixture and they showed me how much love they had to give at the same time! I know all situations are different, but that's mine.
I wish you and your wife the best, and I hope that you receive continual strength and encouragement throughout this process!
Jesi
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  #13  
Old 01-30-2003, 03:47 PM
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gonnabeadaddy gonnabeadaddy is offline
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jesi,

Thank you for posting. That really made me feel good to know.( I am affraid to use first names on this website for fear that our birthmom is browsing. Is that possible?)

my wife and I have been searching for someone to fill in the blanks as to what to write. She has wanted to know what a bmom thinks when we mention to arrival of the baby. You nailed it and I will email your responce to her. What a relief to hear this. From the first day we found out that she chose us, we felt this great connection. There has to be a plan for all of us in this great eternal plan. How could there not?

We just started to write to her about our excitement about the baby. My biggest priority is not to offend her or make her feel less of a person. She is the most amazing person and some one I can tell my kids about. We are excited.

Was it hard for you to write to the bparents that you choose? Did you set up a face to face with them? Any word of wisdom for us as we prepare for ours?

Much thanks

gonnabeadaddy
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  #14  
Old 01-30-2003, 05:07 PM
lyra smith lyra smith is offline
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gonnabeadaddy,
It really is nice to meet someone who is so involved in what the birth-mother wants. It sounds like you are giong to have a great relationship with her. She is lucky! Are you thinking of having an open adoption??
Adoption is the most wonderful thing! It's also so neat to think about the fact that it was all designed before we came to earth. It is so nice to know that we were all working under the same plan. I am an aunt to 3 adopted children and a birth mom myself. I love it! Adoption has blessed the lives of my sister and her husband, me and the birth mother's of the children and all their families. We are all best friends. It's like I gained 4 more families! It's like this web of LOVE! Everyone is tangled together. It's so weird how adoption blesses so many lives! It the coolest thing! I think we are all blessed to be able to share something so special with each other.
Being a birth-mom, the one thing that means the most to me is the knowledge that my son will be raised with worthy parents so he can have an eternal family. That was the one thing that I could not give and that is the one thing that I know he will have.
After talking to many LDS birth moms; I think that you can not go wrong if that birth mother knows that you did and are doing all you can to teach the principles of the Gosple to that child. For me it's knowing my son has the chance to be raised with the preisthood. That's the best advice I can give. Oh, and tell her that you love her everytime you talk to her.
Best of luck to you
lyra
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Old 01-31-2003, 03:21 PM
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Sorry it took so long!

Gonnabeadaddy-
Sorry it took so long to reply! I'm glad that I was able to provide some insight and I hope you and your wife have become a little more settled about everything, now on to your questions...

You said in your response to me...
"My biggest priority is not to offend her or make her feel less of a person. She is the most amazing person and some one I can tell my kids about. We are excited."

If you want my opinion I think sharing that exact statement with her would do a world of good. Share with her how amazing you think she is and how blessed you feel, those are the most wonderful words I could hear you say about her and I'm sure she would love to hear them too!

My situation in choosing aparents was a little different. When I found out I was pregnant my father told me about a man he knew and his wife, he told me their story of trying to conceive he told me that they were a really Godly couple and that they had been married for 10 years, after several weeks I decided that I wanted to get to know them better. They lived in Va at the time and I lived in Tx but he was planning on coming down for an interview so we based our meeting around that. To be honest I wanted to not like them when I first met them, I didn't want to think that they could be good enough for my baby. But after spending a couple of hours with them, I couldn't help but like them. I really felt a connection with the amom, she was so loving and so nurturing. They ended up accepting the job in Texas only about 45 minutes away from us. They were originally from Texas so they really wanted to return anyway. We spent some more time getting to know each other they went through the homestudy and all of that and I even stayed with them for a week just to get to know them better. I was nervous that they would judge me and nervous that they thought I was just some dumb girl who got knocked up, but they treated me with respect and even admiration. They kept me updated on how they were preparing and even asked me about what I liked when i was a kid and if I or my parents remembered any books or toys that I really loved. It made me feel like they really wanted to honor my presence in this baby's life.
I basically just wanted to know that they would raise her with morals and values and that she would know who I was and that I loved her. And after hearing the way they spoke to and about me I knew they would share all of that with her.
Everyone is nervous at that first meeting, my advice to you is don't go into it expecting too much. Present yourselves as you are and give her space to absorb that. This is an enormous decision for her and I believe that you see and can respect that, just make sure she knows that you do.
You sound like you really on the right track and I applaud your willingness to receive input. When are you anticipating your first meeting? Will you be there at the birth? How far along is she?
I would love to hear more about your situation and to keep up to date on your progress, if you have anymore questions at all ask away!!

If you are uncomfortable talking too much on the forum, feel free to email me at matri_520@msn.com.

Jesi
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