[Lorie]

This is my situation...I placed a little girl up for adoption in 1986.

I was told by the LDS Social Services that when she turned 16 years of age that she would receive the letter that I wrote to her the day that she was born. Is that true?

Is it policy through the church that the child be told he/she is adopted?

I pray everyday that Heavenly Father watches over her and that one day she will find me and let me know that she has a wonderful life...the life that I couldn't give her at the age of 16.

As a birth mother giving my daughter to another family was a true sacrifice and a true sign of my love. I did it to protect her and myself from violence in my home...and yes we were members of the church.

Thank you for reading this and good luck


I wanted to first thank you for your insight. I have shared this in some other threads but it really belongs with the original.
On Feb. 13, 2003 I picked up the phone and called the agency and spoke with a Social Worker. He wasn't the original but he was so kind...I guess you could say I had been dealing with some fear issues. I told him all the information on me so it will be easy for her to find me if she so chooses. And then I asked him about the letter. He told me that he didn't know that information but then proceeded to tell me that I could write her a letter, send it to him then forward to her Aparents. You know chills went through my body and I dropped to my knees and cried like I had never cried before in my life....the emotions to this day like a roller coaster. I have to be honest I really never had a chance to mourn for my daughter and I really never got any help from anyone. Not once did someone ask "are you doing o.k." or "I am so sorry for what you have gone through can I get you some help" I am LDS don't go though...a lot has to do with the way I was treated by the ward and my family. But you know I practice a lot of what the church taught me I just won't go. I know my girl is in a good home with a loving family cause the spirit tells me so...and when I dropped to my knees and thanked the Heavenly Father the spirit went through me...The loss the grief the pain the hurt the emptiness that I had a lid on came off. You are probably thinking he told you you could write a letter...no he was telling me that I am human and I have feelings and I have rights and you know what that's all any of us birth mothers really want is the acknowlegement of true sacrifice and love that we have for our children out there. All we have is trust in the agency and faith in God until the day comes that they are old enough to find us. I am a Birth Mom who has put it all out there on the table for her. I as a Birth Mom have done what I should in order for her to find me. I feel as though it is not mine or her Aparents decision it is hers...and I know when the time is right the Lord will make it happen. Sorry for being so long had to share because I am still healing and this is the only way I know how.
Thank you again
Birth Mom
Lorie

[want2adopt]

Lorie:
I'll answer your questions the best I can. First of all, I am an adoptive parent and realize the sacrifice you made for your child. My adopted children know of their birthmother's love for them -- and yes, I told them they were adopted from day one. Being adopted is not a negative thing, I will never express it as such. It is a blessing for both my children and for me and my husband. As far as it being a policy to tell the child they are adopted.... There is no real LDS position on that. It is decided by the adopted parents. But I believe, especially now a days, that adoptive parents are open and upfront about their child being adopted, and it is not viewed negatively.

As far as your letter... My children got letters from their birthmothers up front and I keep them in a special file. I will give them to my children when they are "ready" -- ie. when they are old enough to appreciate it and hold it dear to their hearts. I don't know what adoption thru LDS was like back in '86 but nowadays, the letters are sent directly to the adoptive family and the adoptive family can give it to the child whenever they want.

I hope this helps.
I have 2 adopted children (ages 2 and 6). They were placed with us at birth. I call them my special children from Jesus. They call me their special mother from Jesus. But they know they did not grow in my tummy but in my heart.

Good luck. And God bless you.

[Lorie]

As a birth mother I feel as though the not knowing how she is doing and not knowing what kind of family she is with is what naggs at me.

I want to thank you for your input it really puts my mind at ease. I keep thinking to myself that my daught is with a family such as yours. I am glad that your prayers were answered and that you are able to have the family you have always wanted.

I pray that when she is ready she will come find me just so my mind will be at ease of the decision I made for her.

Thank you again and God Bless you.
Lorie

[irvy]

According to what I was told while going through the approval process, the child will have access to the birthparents information (if the birthparents so chose) when he/she is 21 years old. Make certain that you have kept the agency updated on how to reach you and that you do chose to have contact with your daughter. I pray that "our birthmother" will chose to do that for our child.

I want to tell you that I have a great deal of admiration for you. What a great sacrifice you made and I know it must have been difficult for you. I pray that your daughter will recognize that love and will search you out if that is your wish. I pray that her parents are secure enough to support her in that decision.

irvy
(waiting to be a mom)

[irvy]

According to what I was told while going through the approval process, the child will have access to the birthparents information (if the birthparents so chose) when he/she is 21 years old. Make certain that you have kept the agency updated on how to reach you and that you do chose to have contact with your daughter. I pray that "our birthmother" will chose to do that for our child.

I want to tell you that I have a great deal of admiration for you. What a great sacrifice you made and I know it must have been difficult for you. I pray that your daughter will recognize that love and will search you out if that is your wish. I pray that her parents are secure enough to support her in that decision.

irvy
(waiting to be a mom)

[Lorie]

It's comforting to know that there are good people out there. I wanted to thank you for your information...

I pray everyday that my child is with a loving family and that she is provided with the support, guidance, and a sense of security. I pray that the Lord fills her heart with love. I pray for the day that I am able to introduce her to her 2 brothers and sister. I pray for the day that my heart quits aching, the void is filled and the tears of sadness and lonelyness turns into tears of joy.

Thank you for taking time out and posting and good luck to you.

birth mom
Lorie

[Lorie]

UPDATE IN THE BODY OF THE ORGINAL THREAD

Thank you
Lorie

[longgreengrass]

do the lds believe in open adoption? I am not lds thats why I am asking.
I will be a birthmom. I want to keep my options open with people of a different religion than me. but I want to make sure the different religions believe in open adoption first.

[Lorie]

I really don't know the answer to your question. Back in the day that was not an option. I don't know what changes they have made but you could definately look into that...it wouldn't hurt.

Good Luck
Birth Mom
Lorie

I can ask my mother for you if you would like or do some research I would be willing to do that for youl. Just let me know

[Taryn]

As far as LDS Family Services "believing" in open adoption, my husband and I are waiting to be chosen by a birthmother as adoptive parents. We were certified here in Arizona this past January and every time the phone rings, I say a little prayer that it might be our social worker telling us we've been chosen. That hasn't happened yet. What we were told about the communication between the birthmother and the adopted child and adoptive parents, is for the first 3 years we are to send the birthmother pictures of the baby. After 3 years the baby becomes too identifiable so it is "advised" not to send pictures, but that is something that can be decided between the birthmother and the adoptive parents. Also for the first 3 years all letters and gifts are sent through the agency and then on to the birthmother or adoptive parents. After that it's decided again by the birthmother and adoptive parents whether to continue to send them through the agency or not. It's really up to the adoptive parents and the birthmother to decide on any and all communicaton between each other.

[pattybeagley]

I really felt excited to join in on this discussion with birthmom Lori (Hello!) You know it was just tonight that my 6 year old son pulled a large scrapbook off my shelf in my closet with his name on it and wanted to look through it. It was filled with letters between me and his birthmother. I told him that he could look thru it for now but we would read it together when he was a little bit older. He wanted to see it cause it has his name on it and it is the most beautiful scrapbook out of all of them (besides his brothers is beautiful too!) Our two sons (both adopted thru LDS Family Services) have always known that they came to us in answer to ours and their birthparents prayers. We felt very fortunate to be able to meet both of their birthmothers and (grand)parents and were actually chosen by them to be our sons' parents. We know each others first names but not last names or where we live or work, etc. I'm pretty sure that is standard now within the church. I think we took our sons pictures at the Kiddie Kandids photo studio 10 times within the first year so our birthmoms had a nice clear picture plus a ton of snapshots. With our first son, we could send pictures for the first 12 months with letters, etc. and then after that it is a letter each year on his birthday. Our second son's adoption was different in the way that we still got to send pictures and letters up to 12 months, but we also got to send one photo along with his 2nd and 3rd birthday letters AND we also got to have a picture of his birthmom in the hospital holding him and a seperate photo of his birthdad for him. Our sons are 19 months apart so things had changed within the 19 months for those differences. I know that all the adoptive parents that I know have an intense passionate place in their hearts for their children's birthmothers. I'm sure that with each placement and situation that not all meet each other or perhaps don't send as many pictures or letters but it is really up to the birthparents and adoptive parents. I'm really not even sure that now with our sons being 6 and 4 years old that they even "screen" the letters we send. I so badly want our sons to be able to meet their birthmom and dads that I really have to step back and see what they want to do and their birthmoms. That's whats so great about the Registry. It is much easier to connect. I was told that at the age of 18 years old they can sign it but both adoptive child and birthmoms or dads need to sign the Registry to have the contact information. Semi open adoptions are the most popular now because they protect privacy but also allow for openness in what really counts...face to face meeting and photos and letters as the child get older but both parties are allowed to live their lives without alot of complications. When ever I meet a birthmom, I just honor and cherish her for her decision because I know and my family knows what great love and sacrifice goes into making such a selfless decision for this child. In my opinion, they are apart of our family either way. Lots of love to you! Patty

[Lorie]

I'm glad to hear things have changed since 86. I am so happy for you and your family. You seem like a really nice family just like a lot of other Afamilies out here that I have read about.

It gives me peace of mind to know that there is a good chance that my daughter is with a family such as yours. I hope...

Trust in the Worker and Faith in God is all I have which I have said many times and only time will tell...the day will soon be here and my mind will be at ease.

Thank you for sharing your story I was told by the worker that the children are to be raised from the craddle up that they are bless with two sets of parents you are doing a wonderful job by doing that with your children. It's very important that the children know so when the time comes they have that choice.

Thank you again
Birth Mom
Lorie

[Roxanne]

jUST TO TELL YOU THAT i GAVE UP MY SON IN 1976. tHEIR IS NO CONTACT . tHERE IS NO LETTERS GIVING TO HIM. tHEIR IS NO NON-IDENTIFICATION INFORMATION. tHE BISHOPS, THE MEMBERS, THE SOCIAL SERVICE. tHEY DIDN'T CARE ABOUT ME ONCE i GAVE HIM UP. tHEY ALL COVERED UP THE DETAILS STILL TODAY. i WAS EXCOMUNICATED. aND NEVER FORGIVEN FOR MY SINS. aND THAT'S MY TRUE STORY. rOXY

[paman8]

Roxanne,

I am so sorry things were so aweful back then in adoption...LDS and otherwise! I am so glad things have changed...the church is starting more open adoptions, which is so much better for everyone involved. I hope and pray that you will be able to find some peace through all of this.

As far as the excommunication thing, I'd bet that your bishop just didn't have a clue how to handle it and things weren't done quite right. If it's important to you, look up your local bishop and work it out.

Peace,

Pam

[sspete]

Your day will come!! It is the most wonderful feeling in the world when you know they are doing well. When I saw my bdaughter's picture for the first time, the hole in my heart after nineteen LONG years began to heal. It truly is an amazing experience. I told her bmom, if I died today I would be fulfilled. Just seeing her precious face, and knowing she is a healthy beautiful 19 year old young woman. Its is truly fantastic. Hang on to hope and your dreams will become a reality. spete