[ragin-cajun]

Hey there!

I'm new to the site- just found it. I have been looking on-line for an LDS forum. My wife and I this week were selected as the adoptive parents for two adorable little tikes. A 2 year old boy and 1 year old girl. This was a state adoption, not LDSFS.

We are excited beyond belief and SCARED TO DEATH!! Can anyone share some insights into how you transitioned toddlers into your family? We will be making visits every other day with the children starting this week whick will become more and more one-on-one. In about two weeks, we'll bring them home. We have no other children

What about church? Did you immediately go to the Nursery with them and keep them for the whole 3 hour block, or just start out with sac. mtg the first couple weeks?

Any info and insight would be great!

[JeannineW]

Congratulations! We are hoping to adopt through DSS. I can't wait to be able to post a similar post.

We adopted a 2 1/2 year old from Guatemala. We had a transition time of about 30 minutes. Probaby not ideal. We sent her a photo album with pictures of us, our pets, our house and yard. Her fostermom read it to her everyday. In your case, maybe just leave a picture or two with them between visits.

As far as church, I would play it by ear. You may want to skip a week or two if they seem really stressed. After that, go as many hours as seems right. When you do go, keep them with you. Don't pass them around to others. Introduce them to people but keep them in your arms.

I would go to nursery right away. They will enjoy playing with the other kids and you won't have as much problem with other adults wanting to steal them away from you. I went to nursery with our daughter for about 6 months or more. Don't let the nursery leader convince you to leave. YOU need to be with them and take care of them for quite a while. It also gives you a chance to observe their social skills and see what you need to work on. Of course, kids this age have pretty bad social skills! It also gives you a chance to sit down and play with them.

Good luck. Keep us posted.

[aspenhall]

Look into attachment based parenting techniques!!!

And ditto on the "keep them with you at all times" thing....for the 6 months do not go anywhere without them, nor leave them with anybody to "care" for them....to promote healthy attachment.

We adopted a 3.5 yr old little girl in 2004. GOOD LUCK!

You also may want to visit the special needs and older child adoption boards on these forums. They are what saved my sanity! And by the way, any child adopted older than an infant is considered special needs.....there are distinct and specific issues to address.....even if they have zero behavioral stuff....

I'm very excited for you!!!

Definately take them a small photo album that can be carried and held and played with by them. Make it be close ups of your faces and rooms in the house, like eating breakfast, playing in their room...etc.... take the pics from their point of view...get down low...etc.. Also find out what smells they are used to, and try to duplicate them, your shampoo, laundry soap, dish soap, foods, etc.... ANYTHING that means "home" to them... use in your home for a while...until they get used to it. If they have a favorite blanket, DON'T WASH IT, even if it's disgusting... When you visit them, see if you can bring videos of you at your house, with your pets, etc...taken from their level of view....talk about life at your house....and duplicate regular life with you during those visits. Give them permission to grieve and be scared. IF you can, give them a name for the feeling inside that they won't understand. Give them the tools to deal with that feeling. My dd called it "the great big feeling with no words"....and we planned that whenever she felt that, she could come and we'd hold her and read to her...Sometimes she'd simply ask for "no talking" if she was grumpy and we were too intense for her...."I'm grumpy right now, can we talk about it later"..... Also it helped to "stomp the grumpies out" when she got that way, we'd imagine she was shaking her grumpy bugs out onto the floor and then stomping on them...it helped her release a lot of agression and anger at her helplessness and loss of control. Also, verbalize your role "I'm the mom and thats what mom's do" or "this is my job, to keep you safe"

Get pics of her foster family and life with them and have a photo album of that at your house for them. The foster family may want xmas updates on the kids from you, get their address to keep in touch.

READ PARENTING WITH LOVE AND LOGIC!!!!! I cannot stress this enough, you are getting them at the perfect age to teach these concepts! And right when you'll be needing skills for the control battles of 3-5 yr olds...

And last but not least, it will take about a year or so for these kids to adjust to life at your house. And still may have some insecurities about your relationship....it's normal, and be prepared for it to take a while.

here is a quote of someone else's response, to keep in mind...when you start to expect gratitude from them for the good job you do and all your hard work...or when someone else tells them they ought to be thankful for having you as parents...

""With all due respect, Sister.... that's one of the worst things you can say to an adopted kid. He was hurt. He was scared. He was ripped out of his birth home. He is not grateful for that. And we do not expect him to be"

[Shai's Mom]

Congratulations!! I can imagine how excited and scared you must be.

My little 2 cents:

Weaver's Craft - Toddler Adoption
This book addresses the unique differences in toddler adoption, vs new-born or older child adoptions.

Also, get a rocking chair!!
Toddlers are obviously heavier than babies and your body hasn't developed the muscles to carry a child. And there is a MAJOR difference between a 6 lbs baby and a 20 lbs toddler, as I found out during many nights of pacing the floor trying to calm a crying baby (my older son was 7 1/2 months old at the time of placement)

All the best of luck!

[hrisme]

Originally Posted by aspenhall

here is a quote of someone else's response, to keep in mind...when you start to expect gratitude from them for the good job you do and all your hard work...or when someone else tells them they ought to be thankful for having you as parents...

""With all due respect, Sister.... that's one of the worst things you can say to an adopted kid. He was hurt. He was scared. He was ripped out of his birth home. He is not grateful for that. And we do not expect him to be"

Wow, kudos to whomever originally wrote this response! I get the "aren't you so LUCKY to be adopted" comment all the time. Yeah, I'm really lucky to have lost my entire biological heritage, grown up with a pack of lies (from the social workers, not my adoptive parents), and spent most of my childhood feeling abandoned and alone. Just what I would wish for every child.

And to be on topic (goodness, I'm having a hard time with that today!) I would suggest the book Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft by Mary Hopkins-Best. Excellent input for parents adopting toddler-aged children.

I also echo the person who said to research attachment parenting, and the advice given not to separate your child from you for the first several months. Nursery may be overwhelming for them at first, even if you stay with them (I definitely wouldn't leave them without you). Play it by ear, and put their needs before what everyone else tells you is right.