[tallgibb]

Hello, Just found this forum tonight and am quite excited!!

Quick summary of our situation...
We adopted dd at 12 days old, Feb/05. She is the love of our lives. Her birthmom got preg. pretty quick (2m) again with different bf. They attempted to parent. That dd (#2) was removed from their custody and placed in foster care in Oct/06. We were told about senerio in mid Nov/06. We thought we'd be all over it, but prayed and it didn't feel right...we have contact with a relative, who we email speratlicy.

We have been emailing this past week and the stiuation with dd#2 is not going anywhere or getting better. The bp's 'sort of' are trying to get custody back, but the chances are slim.

We are now re-visiting the idea again, as it's always been in the back of our minds. It breaks my heart to know what this little girl has been going thru (4 foster homes in 6m!!!!)

My concerns:

1)attachment; for obvious reasons
2)how our dd will handle 'boom' another toddler in the home, different than a newborn that sleeps alot and 'eases' into the picture...
3)realistly this will prob. be our last child, due to age (currently 34) and the reality if I can handle more than 2 kids!! So I am very sad that I might not have an infant ever again, I soooo looove the infant stage.....
4)scared of having a 15m old AND a 27m old!! Yikes can we say busy???!!!

Any thoughts? I really just don't know how to proceed. We are of course talking/praying lots (dh and I) and are contiplating talking to our branch. President...but we know ultimatly the desition needs to be made by us...It would be nice if we could get to the temple, but prob. not any time soon.

Thanks for listening, if your still here....

Newbie,
Lara

[HelloImKara]

Hi Lara:

What a dilema. It must be so hard for you and your husband to decided. You're right that only you guys can decided. I know personally I woudln't be able to handle a situation like that and you're right that it would probably be hard for your child. But just keep praying and Heavenly Father will help you to know what to do.

I wish you the best in your tough decision ahead!!!

[JJemail1]

Hi there,

I'm a foster mom and a waiting adoptive parent through LDSFS and thought I'd put my two cents in on a logistical level (as you certainly have the spiritual side of things figured out ).

One thing to examine closely is the fact that the baby is in foster care. Because the baby is still in foster care, the parents will have to do an "identified surrender" identifying you and your husband as adoptive parents for their child in order for the baby to be able to be adopted by you. If her parents are still trying to regain custody of her, you would only be able to take her in as a foster child until the state files TPR ("Termination of Parental Rights). Theoretically under ASFA, the parents have 15 months to get their act together from the time the child is in placement (not necessarily consecutively) until the state is required by law to file TPR. I'm probably getting too in depth here but long story short, you'll want to find out definitively what the baby's legal status is before proceeding any further as it may not be as cut-and-dry as deciding whether or not you want to adopt her or not. (Forgive me if I'm covering something that you already have figured out!)

On an emotional level, you are right to think about the potential emotional ramifications of multiple foster care placements and you would be wise to investigate various forms of attachment parenting techniques for this baby and your family. The baby might easily adapt to a new home...or she could take a really long time to attach...it's something that is really difficult to call.

Having said all of that, if after considering some of these tougher questions you feel in your heart that it's worth a shot, you have your answer. I don't envy your position. We have been in vaguely similar situations and it is so hard to say no when: a) you want a baby so bad, and b) you want to give a great home to a child who might not otherwise enjoy an eternal family.

You're certainly in my thoughts and prayers and I wish you clarity and peace in your final decision

Jennifer

[mom2GRLC]

I would suggest passing up this situation and proceeding with a newborn adoption.

[mom2behappy]

another thing to consider is that this is your daughters biological sibling and that keeping them together would be a good thing for the both of them,

[2manyks]

so many options. i would go with whatever you feel best about. attachment issues are hard to deal with. if she has been in good foster homes then she may do great. dont discount the fact that 2 is your limit. you never know what life will bring. have an open mind. is fostering her an option?

[gabsdot]

I wouldn't worry too much about attachment. She is only 15 months and has been living in family situations. All the adoptive families i know have children who lived in orphanges and many were adopted at 15 months and older and all have attached very well.

I think it would be lovely for your daughter to have her bio sister with her, but she is your priority and whatever you decide has to be in the best interests of your family as it is now.
Good luck and remember D&C 6:22-23

[RainStorm]

Do what you think is best for your Family. I know a couple who adopted a 15 month old, and their oldest adopted child was a little over 2 at the time. The boy did display jealous when his sister first came to live with him but that likely would have been the case had she been an infant. The girl had been with her foster family since she was 4months old, so they tried to make it as easy on her as possible and still see her former foster family. In this girls situation it seems she’s been bouncing from foster home to foster home so she may or may not have attachment issues, if she does there are way to make the transition smooth.

Who knows your daughter might even thank you later on if you adopted her bio sister. Of course I don’t think biosibs need to be together anymore then biokids being raised by bioparents. Though if you daughter ever has issues being adopted having a biosib with her could help, then again I don’t know what sort of adoption you went with on your daughter (open, closed or semi open)

[mom2khmertwins]

I say go for it!!! 15 months is still very young and I am sure that you will be able to overcome any attachment problems. There are great books/therapists out there now.

As far as having two so close together, you will love it!! I have 6 children ages 7 and under and it is a dream! They all play together. They each have a partner in life (7 year old twins, 3 and 4 year old--only 8 month apart in age and the same grade in school, 2 and 2--3 months apart in age). They are all interested in the same things. It is wonderful having so many built in playmates.

Pray about it. The Lord will let you know if she is meant to be your daughter.

My kids came into our home at birth, 4 months, 20 months, 2.5 years, and 3.5 years. They have all done awsome and fully bonded despite having VERY difficult beginnings. But I took attachment classes, read all the books and prayed a lot. Most kids do great. There are some that don't, it is true, they are the exception.

My brother and sister in law adopted sisters from the foster care system. They were 18 months and 8 weeks when they entered their home. They had had a horrible start in life, but they never had any problems with attaching.

Good luck!

Kelly

[Shai's Mom]

I'd say give it a chance.

Regardless if you're bringing home a newborn or a little bit older child, your first child will be having some issues.

Attachment can be a bit challenging, it's a good thing to keep it in mind (reading suggestion: Weaver's Craft - Toddler Adoption). Learn about bonding/attachment games and exercises you can do.

Give lots of skin-contact, hugging, eye-contact.

Most of all, trust your instincts and follow your heart.

All the best!

[sweetpea_mom]

I would also recommend the book

" Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tips for Today's Parents" by Deborah Gray.

An excellent resource for all things attachement related

Good luck with your decision. For what it's worth, I have bio twins who are now 2 and a 6 yr old DS, they rock my world. It isn't a relaxing lifestyle (lol) but it is rewarding and fulfilling.

[tallgibb]

HI all, thanks for the comments, I do apprecate them. Well nothing has really changed from when I posted a while back. Which sucks! We just don't know how we feel...we've recently been asked again about the system...because I guess it's suppost to change soon...but really who knows.

Just wanted to update you guys, that really there isn't much of an update!

Lara

[Forever_family]

Lara,

I've been following to see what you would decide. Did you decide to adopt the 18 month old? If so why hasn't he been placed? Sorry if I'm being too nosy.

Thought I would share some of my experience-maybe its too late . We are foster/adopt parents who had our hearts broken one too many times and decided to go to private adoption and then were placed with our now 18 month old baby boy when he was 12 months old through foster care. Its been a journey with all of our foster children, most were toddlers. It is not the same as when we have had infants, totally different, but it is also very rewarding when you see real attachment. From my experience it really depends on so many factors from neglect, drug exposure, a bad foster home, personality of the child, etc. If you do go ahead with this placement/adoption I would recommend attachment parenting. It makes a big difference.

Wishing you peace in your decision.

L

[jaenelle]

I'd be inclined to say take the situation. For me, keeping siblings together is so important. And yes, you would be busy, but what a joyous way to be busy! Good luck in whatever you decide!

[tallgibb]

Hello Everybody,

I thought I'd post again...Forever_Family asked about the situation....

She is still in Foster care, I belive it's the 3rd home...she's been at this one the longest...(1st to Aunt and Uncles; 3.5m, then to home#1; one month, then to this current home5-6m).

Forever_Family asked why she hasn't been adopted yet. It's because the government just has TEMPERARY gardianship. B-mom & B-dad have a 'list' of things they need to do to get her back (counceling, therapy, parenting corses ect; really nothing too hard) they have not completed much if any in the 9months she's been removed. It seems the government keeps giving them chances and extending the TGO (temp. gardianship order) 2x now.
When we first looked at the situation it was when she was first removed and the parents where concidering placing with us, insead of taking the chance of loosing her. But I guess it was only with us as they don't want to look at other potential a-parents.

It's my understanding they see her 1-2x a week and still have hopes of parenting; though it seems unlikly given what they have not completed as requried by the government. Also because the goverment really wonders if they have the life skills to be parents....

I belive the reason we got asked again lately is because the social worker belives the case will go PGO (permament gardianship order) and the parents rights will be permamently removed. If this is the case the gov. would (possibly?) look at placing her with her sibling...

So that is how I understand things right now...she is 18 m right now... this was the comment to the aunt from the support worker when I expressed concern about attachement to the aunt:

just got off the phone with XXXXX (XXX support worker) She see (baby) just about every week her thoughts on how (baby) would attach to you guys is very positive she said that (baby) seems to adjust very quickly to new environments eg like going visits at the office to the house and back to the office again. She takes it in stride. She says she has not seen a child so easily adjust to situations as (baby) in a long time.
xxx also feels that it would be a good thing for you guys to talk to XXX (social worker) . Anyhow just thought I would pass this on.

So this seems positive but it also concerns me a bit, is this not a sign for attachemtn disorder, liking everyone and not having a issue moving around?

Honestly I am leaning away from the situation, but it does pull at my heart strings. We just had friends stay for the weekend w/ their 12m old and dd didn't too overly well sharing toys ect, I know there would be some acting out if she had to share toys and us!!!

So thats the scoop...I think I am taking to the social worker this week (for the first time) so it will be interestign to see what she says.