[libby78]

We just went through a heartbreaking experience and I have questions. We were selected (through lds services...the birthmother selected us from our profile) and met the birthmother (went extremely well).
We were notified (by family services) when the birth occured and traveled to the state where he was born to pick him up.
We were given this sweet baby boy and had him for several days when we were notified that the birthmother had changed her mind and the case worker came and took the baby away.
We, of course, are heartbroken and devastated and in searching for help, I've found this forum.
Was it proper for them to place the baby with us without the legal documents signed by the birthmother and birthfather?
Shouldn't the baby have been placed in foster care until the court papers were signed and only then give us the baby?
It would have been heartbreaking even if we hadn't been able to have the baby for a few days.....but this was and still is almost unbearable.
Please help me with answers......Thank You!
Libby

[mckenna]

most agencies have thier own policies (some are dictated by the state the baby is born in). usually, i have heard that it is the adoptive parent's choice whether they want the child to be with them during the revocation period or if they want the child in foster care (of course the pbparent(s) can choose not to select a family that would choose foster care prior to revocation period). i began the private route before i got my daughter from the foster care system and the agency i was going with sent all babies to foster care until the 72hr revocation period. every state has different revocation periods and each agency has it's own policies. i hope someone who has more experience has better answers. sorry for you loss.

[BrandyHagz]

Libby,

Each agencies policy will be different. Some allow you to take the baby home from the hospital as “legal risk” while others prefer to have the baby stay in “cradle care” until legally free (post termination and revocation).

You asked if it was legal, and the answer is yes…its actually common practice for many agencies.

My suggestion for you, as you continue down this path to parenthood, is to request cradle care (or whatever your agency calls it) and advise them that you’d rather not bring a child home until they are legally free for adoption.

Keep in mind, however, this could limit the number of perspective matches…if my own daughters parents had had this requirement, I wouldn’t have placed with them.

You have to protect your heart and do what you feel is right for you and your family. I’m sorry for the heart wrenching pain you must be feeling – and I wish you luck as you continue down this path.

[libby78]

Thanks so much to both of you for responding and for the help & kind words. It helps to have more understanding.....thanks again!
Best,
Libby

[hkingkong]

Libby,

I read your questions last night and I joined this forum yesterday because I wanted to give you some feedback. I can sympathize with the pain you are feeling right now. You see eight years ago today we found out we were going to be first time parents to a baby boy that had just been born. We were going to foster the baby but things did not go well with the birthfather and then the birthmother changed her mind. We never met our baby like you did but it is like having a miscarriage or having a child die. I don't know if you feel this way but I still struggle with that difficult time in my life. I try not to think about it but it is there still. We now have two beautiful daughters age 6 and 3 and we want to adopt again this year. Depending on the state that the baby was born in dictates the laws that protect the birthparents rights. LDS often places children in foster adoptive homes instead of just foster homes. I believe because they think it will improve your chances. The birthmother knows the baby is in your home where she hopefully wishes her baby to be while the legal stuff is worked out. We foster adopted with both our daughters and it was not easy but in the long run we learned alot about how far we could be strecthed. Please don't give up and feel hopeless. It will work out in the end. I know I have been there and hope this gives you some comfort.

Heather

[aspenhall]

Libby, I'm so sorry to hear that this fell thru for you.

LDSFS (at least in my state) can foster-certify adoptive parents, so in essence, YOU were the foster placement. The waiting period SHOULD have been explained to you before placement. I would contact the director at the location you went thru and discuss why you weren't made clear on these issues. There are a lot of details for the CW to handle in a placement. Perhaps they weren't clear that this would be considered a "big deal" to you and potentially others. As the culture of adoption changes, we might find ourselves unwittingly as pioneers of sorts. Times changes and needs do as well. The adoptive parents priorities are much different today than they were even 10 yrs ago. Please bring this issue into the light at your agency so that the mistake isn't duplicated, and remember, everyone is just doing the best they can and if they aren't then the director can handle things. If that doesn't work, there's always someone higher up to go to. Let us know what the response from the director was!

[L Mac]

I am sorry. See I know exactly how you feel. In Oct. 2004 we were chosen by a birthmother out of state. We spoke on the phone plenty of times and she told us she knew we were meant to be the parents of this child. We felt so strongly this was it, we were to be parents! Just a day before we were to leave to pick him up we recieved a call saying she changed her mind. Now, we never held him or cared for him but I felt I had. I know what you meant by it being almost unbearable. It was the lowest I'd been, but I also have never felt the comfort of my heavenly father more. All we could do was Have faith.

Soon after we met with a birthmother who lived in our same town and began a friendship with her and her 6 other children. She could not care for this child the way she knew we could. In march of 05 we were at the hospital with her and I was able to be in the room when our son was born. All the pain and heartache was forgotten. He is 10 months now and the most beautiful little boy.
What I want you to know is this hurts now and it seems like it will never really happen. I learned that it is not my time table, It is the lords. Looking back I can see that. You will be a mother and it will be the best day of your life. Have faith and know you are not alone.
Love-Lyndsie