[Daisha]

DH made me a promise that when we moved into our new house (that we were building), we would fill out our paper work (even though he isn't ready for a baby) and would leave the rest up to the Lord and when it happened the Lord would make him ready.

Well, yesterday (after a month and a half of being into our new house) he informs me that he is NOT ready for a baby and doesn't know when he will be ready. I asked him if he has prayed about it and he has said that he has NOT because he doesn't think that it is time. I said "how do you know if you don't ask?" and he didn't have anything to say about that.

I don't know what to do. Is it appropriate to talk to my bishop without my DH there??

Any advise would be appreciated!!

[cathy102]

I wouldn't go to your Bishop without telling your husband. That wouldn't be fair. I am sorry that he is not ready for a child right now. What I would do is pray that God would work on your husband. Don't pressure him. It will only make things worse. Give him some time, I bet things will turn around..

Cathy

[Daisha]

Thanks Cathy ~

I do pray everyday as do my mom, grandma and mother in law that his heart will be softened. I know that this will take time. I will not go to my bishop without telling my hubby but I think that I will go to him anyway (after telling my DH that I need to talk to someone).

Thanks for the advise.

[Elaine95]

Awww Daisha, I know just how you feel! I was ready for years before DH, and it was so hard! I spent a lot of time counseling with my Bishop, mostly because he was also my boss and so he saw the difficulty I was having. When I would have a meltdown at work he would call me in and let me bawl. Finally, he brought the both of us into his office after another meltdown and said (very lovingly!) to my husband, "Can you see your wife? Can you see how much this hurts? What are YOU going to do about this as her husband?" He helped him to see that he was partly responsible for my pain. Not by anything he'd DONE, but by what he WASN'T doing.

My DH felt like it would happen when it would happen, and he was very afraid of the prospect of meeting birth family AND had doubts about his ability to love another person's child. His way of dealing with those fears was to do nothing to move forward in our efforts for a family, until that day with teh Bishop. The next we called LDSFS and got the ball rolling.

I know our situations might not be exactly alike, and I don't mean this as disrespectful of my hubby's feelings. I can see why he did what he did, and if you could see him today he is such a huge adoption advocate and loves our girls' birth families. I know it was not an intention of his to cause me pain, but I was ready for a long time and knew that adoption was the path, it just took a little time for him to see how much it was affecting me. I don't think it's a bad thing to go see your bishop, if anything you might receive some wonderful uplift and counsel from him......my Bishop said a few key things to me through the process that I really believe helped me survive those hard years without totally losing my faith.

Hugs!

[Daisha]

Thanks Elaine ~

Your advice really has helped me a lot. I know that my faith is being tested here. I just need to keep praying, but I do want my hubby to SEE how much this is hurting me. He just doesn't get it. I think that I will probably go see my bishop and just let DH know that I need to talk to someone that is impartial to see if I am really being as selfish as he thinks I am.

Thanks again for all the support!!!

We do have a great faith don't we!!

[Elaine95]

<<<<I just need to keep praying, but I do want my hubby to SEE how much this is hurting me. He just doesn't get it. >>>>>>>>

Daisha....men just don't get it! It's funny because it was about a year ago when I finally realized that I was still harboring some anger towards DH for "abandoning" me and making me fight so hard for our first child. When I finally realized this and Sean and I had a heart to heart he was floored that I could still feel hurt over that. He just doesn't understand it at all, and I think that is normal......men just don't get it! They don't feel that yearning, the sorrow that comes from empty arms. Well, I do think that MY husband is a bit extreme.....he just never felt the sorrow I did and would have been fine childless......but now his girls have him wrapped around their little fingers. I always knew he'd be a good Daddy, but Heavenly Father had to give ME the intense longing so I could get them here!

I'm sorry this is so hard. It's just hard, and yes, it strengthens trust and faith........and I know it's worth it but on a lot of days that knowledge doesn't make it any easier.....hold on to hope!

[Daisha]

Elaine ~

I have thought about having a heart to heart with my DH because I am so angry with him right now and it is hurting our marriage . I want to be open and honest with him and I want to let him know just how let down I am that he hasn't kept his promise to me. How am I suppose to trust him? How am I suppose to honor his priesthood and his relationship with the Lord when he doesn't ask HIM what to do?

I have thought of putting it this way, let me know what you think?

I will tell him: "I just want to tell you exactly why I am so angry and upset and then I won't say anything more about it and I will put my anger aside. I feel let down and decieved. You made a promise to me in January that you were not ready to have a baby but that you would agree to put our paper work in and leave the rest up to the Lord. You said that when we were choosen, the Lord would make you ready to be a dad. That is why I am so upset, because I feel like you just told me what I wanted to hear so I would drop it. I am not mad about you not being ready to have a baby, all I want from you is for you to keep your promise and ask the Lord to help you be more comfortable with having a baby and asking him to help you be ready when the time comes."

Does that sound okay, because it is exactly how I feel. I just don't want him to feel scolded or be-littled.

Thanks in advance for your advise!!

[Elaine95]

Hi Daisha,

I think that if this is causing a rift in your marriage you need to talk about it! I left it so long, and I could have saved myself a lot of heart ache had I shared exactly what I was feeling with my husband sooner than just a year ago! I think partly I didn't realize where my anger stemmed from. Then one day my Mom said, "Why are you so mad at Sean Elaine?" That made me stop and think. Part of me feel like it was a process I needed to go through, and that bringing it up in the middle of it I would have been unreasonable and put all the blame on him. Another part of me thinks that it's better to deal with hard feelings when you're having them so that they don't fester and grow and then you're left wondering what they heck is good at all about your mate.

I don't have the answers, but the thought of sharing how YOU are feeling and taking the "blame" (so to speak) for those feelings would be one unthreatening way of talking to your hubby. I think that infertility and all the stuff that comes with it leaves both partners feeling vulnerable and guilty sometimes and ultimately we are responsible for our own feelings and have to work through them. Does this make any sense? I guess what I'm feeling inside right now is that Sean wasn't responsible for my pain. He wasn't as driven as I was in getting our family, and I took that personally, but he was just dealing with his feelings the way he knew best. I can't expect him to be like me....otherwise we'd have 20 kids by now! I think there has to be a balance, and maybe for you and your DH that balance is that you come to somewhere in the middle......you can try to sit tight while he works through his feelings....and he can be more actively involved in the getting ready process by praying, like he said he would, and listening to how you feel. I think that as he hears about the pain your empty arms causes you, he'll want to help you through that in his own way, which will hopefully and eventually mean taking a very scary step and getting your homestudy started. I think it's all about trying to understand eachother and where in the process you each are....

I hope that wasn't just a bunch of nothing! It makes sense in my mind! I wish I could have lived it 4 or 5 years ago!

Hugs,

[Daisha]

Elaine ~

You have no idea how much you have helped me these last couple of days. There is nothing like talking to someone who has been where I am right now. I know that these feelings are my feelings and I cannot expect him to feel the same way as I do and I can't expect him to have the same longing for a child that I have. I am just going to have to keep praying that things will swing my way and that it will be good for BOTH of us. I am still going to let him know how I am feeling because I need to be open and honest with him. There needs to be NO secrets of feelings. If he still feels like he needs to break his promise to me then I will just have to deal with that and learn how to trust his word again. It will take time, but we are suppose to be an eternal family and nothing can change that. There are only two things that would jeopordize that and he would never cheat on me or beat me up (if he ever did, I would be shocked). I am just saying that those things are "real" reasons to be concerned about our marriage being in trouble. Sometimes I feel like I am blowing this whole thing out of proportion, but these are my feelings.

I will let him know how I feel and let him know that I will do my best to be patient, but he will know that it will not be easy for me.

Thanks again for your help. It has been priceless!!

[camilleh]

Daisha -

Hello! I just saw your thread today. It looks like Elaine has given you some fabulous advice. I just wanted to echo that I thought talking to your Bishop was a great idea. He can give you all kinds of guidance & that being open with your dh is the best thing!

Hope you're feeling better soon.
(((HUGS))))

[Daisha]

Thanks Camille!!! I really appreciate it!!

P.S. I love your website. If you don't mind me asking, how much did it cost to put that together. I may be interested in doing something similar??!!

[camilleh]

Daisha - I don't mind you asking at all! It didn't cost a thing because I made it myself We have free webspace at the school where my dh is still taking classes so that was good too!

It took me about two days to make. I know there are places where you can have those made though. If you look at the parentprofiles.com run by this forum you can get an idea of pricing.

If you have anymore questions about it just let me know!

[Elaine95]

Daisha,

I'm SO glad that something I've said has helped, if anything, just helped you feel not so alone! That makes everything harder! I think that you're doing everything that you can...and things will work out in His time. You're right - being an eternal family is the goal, and these trials can be cement in your relationship. I wouldn't say you're blowing it out of proportion. This is HUGE, it is life changing and it's the way us women have been "wired" right? Your feelings are normal and OK!

You'll be in my prayers!

[Daisha]

Camille ~

Thank you for the info, I will have to check it out.!!

Elaine ~

Thank you for all your help. I have been praying and praying and pondering and pondering and most of that has been asking the Lord to help my hubby to keep his promise to me but if he couldn't then I needed help to get rid of my anger towards him and be more accepting and patient.

Well, I am feeling a lot more calm and at peace now. This is not what I was hoping for but I feel better to not have so much anger in me towards my husband. The last few days I would look at him and just want to beat something up. Not the best feelings to have towards your husband huh? .

I guess the Lord is just helping me right now be more patient because I don't see DH changing his mind anytime soon. I am at peace, but I am still not "happy" with everything in my life and I won't be until we can become parents. DH knows this. I will just let thing settle for a while and bring up making an adoption plan in a couple of months!!

I will pray for you and your family. Please pray for me!!

Thanks again for everything!

[Elaine95]

Hey Daisha!

So glad you're feeling some peace. It comes in waves I think!

This is funny to me now, but at the time it wasn't but I had to share because of something you said in your last post.

<<<<<The last few days I would look at him and just want to beat something up. Not the best feelings to have towards your husband huh<<<<<<<

I used to have dreams that I was just pummeling DH.....I mean, trying with all my might to "knock" some sense into him because I was so hurt and angry. Duh! You'd think I'd have a CLUE as to WHY I'd have those dreams!!! Go figure......I'd always be sobbing and when I woke up I was exhausted and I'd tell him about it and he'd be so sad that he was a jerk to me in my dreams....but we never connected the dreams to my real-life feelings of anger toward him! We laugh at that now, but it's funny how that happened!

Hang in there.......and we're here if you need support!