[IzaksMom]

I would really appreciate any and all thoughts that could be shared. I placed my son for adoption almost 4 years ago. At that time in my life, I had just divorced my husband, who I had only been married to for about 6 months and had been separated 2 of those months. Anyway, the only reason that is pertinent is because now I am happily married to an LDS man who shares my beliefs and is a very loving guy. I have always felt that I wanted my children to know about the son I placed for adoption. I want to be open about him so that he will know that he is loved and so that his other "siblings", my future children, will know him and learn to love him also. The question I have been struggling with for the past few months is whether to tell my husband's family about my son. The only reason I question this is because I am afraid that knowing my past will change their perceptions of me. I don't want to be judged unfairly. I know that when I got pregnant, I wasn't making the best, most righteous choices in my life. But I have learned from my mistakes and have come back to making the choices I should have been making from the beginning. I struggle because I want my kids to feel free to talk about my birthson. Do I just limit those conversations to me and my husband? Is this silly to even think about at this time? I guess I feel that if I am going to tell his family, I would rather just get it over with. Anyway, please share any insights that you have. I would really appreciate it.

[aspenhall]

Well, secrects don't stay secrets very long....Better to tell them casually next time the subject of adoption, prior marriage/children is brought up.

That way it's more of a "by the way" thing rather than a "I have an announcement" thing

I'd also probably give this marriage (relationship with in-laws) a year or at least until you feel like you know one another. Besides, If they're still getting to know you then telling them won't be a major revelation...it'll just be one little thing in the list of what makes you - you.

I really don't think it's anything to be ashamed of...so don't let that stop you.

[rottymom]

I told family after I was married but let my husband know well before our engagement. you marry the husband not the family. All that really matters is how amazing he thinks you are. I just made a casual comment about my daughter and explained she is being raised by another family through adoption...and wow to my suprise they have a family member that chose adoption for their child.

[IzaksMom]

So, you just made a casual comment to the family that you have a daughter who is being raised by another family through adoption? It was that easy? I am awaiting an onslaught of many questions, not all at once, but I know over time, that my husbands siblings will want to have a little clarification. But, maybe I'm wrong and they will just leave it at that.

[aspenhall]

A good rule of thumb is, if you act like is a BIG DEAL...people will think it is a BIG DEAL. This goes for any subject. Casual is best...like when someone tells about a car crash they were in or heard about, if you were in a crash too, it'd be natural to tell them your crash story. If you called a "family meeting" to explain that you'd been in a car crash once it'd seem intense and odd....and people wouldn't quite know how to take it...

The question onslaught might go something like this...

Really?
When?
Why?
How old was she/he?
Do you have contact?
Are you ok?
What is his/her name?
Did you get to meet the parents?
What does your family think?
Was it hard?
Do you have pictures?
Does the birth father know?

Most likely, someone would come up with THEIR experience or story regarding adoption...someone they knew, or dated either was adopted, or placed, or was an adoptive parent.

You may even get comments like "Oh man I could never do that" which sounds offensive at first but usually it's meant in a "personally I'm too weak to handle what you went through" kind of way and you'll find that out when you ask them to clarify that statement.

You may get stunned silence, so be prepared with some follow up statements like "I placed a baby for adoption a few years ago.....It was a girl/boy...she/he is XYZ years old.....I got to pick out the parents and meet them....." By this time any shock will have had time to register and and their brains will kick into gear with questions...OR they'll ask you permission to ask a question......or they'll ask your husband later about it...and he can give them permission to talk about it with you ...they may be hesitant to bring anything up in the event it causes you pain or uncomfortability.

[Juliana13]

Do you have an open or semi-open relationship with the parents of the child you placed? (If you don't, then I would hesitate telling your children at a young age all about him, because they may not understand why they don't get to know who he is. I might wait until they are older.) If you DO have contact, even if it's just pictures and updates, then it becomes so much easier to share it with your new in-laws. I have a friend who gets just a Christmas card every year with a picture in it. She posts the picture on her fridge, with other pictures of friends and family. Then when a sister-in-law came over and was perusing the pictures and asking who's this, and who's this? she casually said, that's the baby girl I placed for adoption before I was married. Well, of course there was surprise, but she made it no big deal, like other posters said, and it became no big deal. It was natural part of her. (That's how I found out, too - by seeing the picture on the fridge.) Her in laws (all LDS) think no less of her. In fact, they respect her for the decision she made, and see how it has helped shape her into the beautiful woman she is.

Good luck!

[IzaksMom]

Wow! All of these posts have helped a lot! Thank you so much. I am blessed to have an open adoption with my sons parents, which is why I would want to tell my children about their brother because I hope to continue to have an open relationship with his family long into the future. I have learned a lot from the examples given here. Thanks so much for everyone's replies. I feel much less stressed about the whole thing.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by IzaksMom

I would really appreciate any and all thoughts that could be shared. I placed my son for adoption almost 4 years ago. At that time in my life, I had just divorced my husband, who I had only been married to for about 6 months and had been separated 2 of those months. Anyway, the only reason that is pertinent is because now I am happily married to an LDS man who shares my beliefs and is a very loving guy. I have always felt that I wanted my children to know about the son I placed for adoption. I want to be open about him so that he will know that he is loved and so that his other "siblings", my future children, will know him and learn to love him also. The question I have been struggling with for the past few months is whether to tell my husband's family about my son. The only reason I question this is because I am afraid that knowing my past will change their perceptions of me. I don't want to be judged unfairly. I know that when I got pregnant, I wasn't making the best, most righteous choices in my life. But I have learned from my mistakes and have come back to making the choices I should have been making from the beginning. I struggle because I want my kids to feel free to talk about my birthson. Do I just limit those conversations to me and my husband? Is this silly to even think about at this time? I guess I feel that if I am going to tell his family, I would rather just get it over with. Anyway, please share any insights that you have. I would really appreciate it.

You are who you are. Telling them won't change that. If they change their opinion of you to something less then they think now, then to be honest, they aren't worth knowing.

Giving up a child adds to who you are, how you feel and think about the world around you. How you react to he world.

Tell them, but do not do it as if you are ashamed, or not worthy. Telling them with confidence, with love and pride.

good luck.

[kune]

Ask you husband to share it with his family - while you are there with him. If he is accepting of it, his family should be too. Is the adoption open? Do you have any contact with the adoptive parents?

Ann

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by IzaksMom

Wow! All of these posts have helped a lot! Thank you so much. I am blessed to have an open adoption with my sons parents, which is why I would want to tell my children about their brother because I hope to continue to have an open relationship with his family long into the future. I have learned a lot from the examples given here. Thanks so much for everyone's replies. I feel much less stressed about the whole thing.

As much as everyone is hoping for a good response, I would still advise caution or perhaps 'preparedness' would be a better way of expressing it. Perhaps telling ONE member of your husbands family and gauge their reaction, although I agree with Kune, it may be better coming from your husband. When I began telling my large community of friends and locals about my son (in reunion after 28 years apart) they were excellent, but, I was also aware that one single word or expression out of place and I would have gone to pieces. I think it would be good if you could imagine the worst case scenario and mentally prepare how you would answer any responses that would hurt you. Thats the advice I was given and I think its good advice.

Now, I can talk about T and some may ask 'who is T' and then I can explain, so I agree with another comment made (can't find it at the min) that using your child's name as casually as if your son was still in your life (which effectively HE IS because its an open adoption) will bring a casualness and a 'business as normal' kind of approach.

I hope this helps, because I know how I felt when it came to letting people know, and I just went into MELTDOWN!!! because of the sheer fear. I only had one reaction out of over a 170 people I told that felled me slightly .... it was... you didn't tell me you were married???? (LOL) noooo, my son was illegitimate......ooooohhh I didn't think you were like that........ Fortunately for me, by the time that remark arrived (and she did apologise profusely later) I had had so many good remarks and reactions that I was bathing and soothed by them all, particularly by those that share my faith, they were absolutely marvellous and they still keep asking me as to why I was so afraid to tell them and why I'd kept it a secret 28 years..... fear thats what! and also the stigma of those times....

(((hugs))) take a deep breath....

p.s. what is an LDS man??? thanks

[katlyn]

I had the same questions when I married my husband twelve yrs ago. He knew of my first daughter because he and I have known each other that long! Anyhow, we started our relationship when my DD was only a little over a year old and he has been the most supportive and understanding man and best friend I could have ever hoped for. However, I made the choice not to tell his family, the adoption was closed and I had no idea if I would ever have a reunion with her. Much less, if I did, would it be brief or last the rest of our lives? I didn't see the point in informing his family of her until I found her and felt out the situation from there. I didn't keep her a secret from my children though and honestly, to me, she isn't a secret and I'm not ashamed, I just chose to wait. When I did find her and we began the start of our "relationship", I proceeded to tell my husbands family, and last but certainly not least is his mom. It's not that I don't want to tell her, but everytime I want to my husband says to wait...she's a talker and usually we are rushed for time, not that he doesn't want her to know. Sorry to ramble, short of it is that you should do what you feel comfortable doing, when the time is right for you and don't worry about what they might think...as I saw in other replies above. All that matters is the relationship you and your husband have. Best wishes and best of luck to you!

[aspenhall]

LDS stands for "Latter-Day Saint" which is short for a member of "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints"....commonly called the Mormon church.

That's cool you're in an open adoption...that will make telling them a lot easier. Be prepared for them to be uncomfortable with the openness though. My in-laws are and so I really don't share bfam news with them so much. I think they're old school and scared of "bfam kidnapper" scenarios.....

[IzaksMom]

Wow! I can't believe all of the good input I have gotten here. Thank you for all the different points of view and tons of good advice. I have been waiting, since we got married, for the "right" time to tell his family. I think I will proceed to tell one member at a time, in a casual, loving and confident way - which is the same way I speak about my son to my husband. Thank you for the confidence all of you have given me. You have really helped erase my fears.

[aspenhall]

be sure to let us know how it goes!

[IzaksMom]

Well, this last week I finally did it. I first started with my husbands sister. My son's adopted mom called me and had my son wish me a Merry Christmas! That was a new thing and I was very excited! My husband and I happened to be staying at his sisters house when my son called, and my husbands sister asked me who was on the phone. Seemed like a perfect time to tell her, and so I told her it was my son who had been adopted into another family. She actually looked a little taken back, and said "what?", like she hadn't heard me right. Anyway, I repeated myself, and the conversation went from there. Then just this last Sunday my husband and I were staying with his brother and sister-in-law (we did a lot of traveling over the holidays ) and it happened to be my son's birthday, which I always celebrate with a cake, so we had cake and I explained why and what we were celebrating. My sister-in-law was so sweet and kind and very empathetic. She said " Oh, that's hard stuff " which is nice sometimes for people to actually realize. Anyway, only 5 more siblings to go, and an aunt.