[LDSmom]

Hello all,

I have a few concerns about adoption - just thought about it last night. I was just wondering if anyone has ever had their adopted child say "Your not my real mom/dad" and if so, how did you deal with it?

Also, has the child wanted to go live with their birth parent? I would hope that this would never happen but if it did what would you do?

[Juliana13]

A friend responds to the "You're not my real mom!" retort with "I am certainly not imaginary!" or "Well, actually, I am." - depending on the attitude of her daughter when she says it. When kids say this, they are lashing out, and wanting to hurt you. It's the same thing bio children do, only adopted children have some different ammunition. My kids haven't said it yet, but they're 5 and almost 3, but I have heard the key is to react non-chalantly, without showing what pain this kind of retort may cause to strike in your heart.

Pres. Monson actually addressed this in an adoption seminar several years ago, speaking of rebellion among kids. He said that the "I wish I never was adopted into this family!!!" retort, that can tear at the heart of adoptive parents is not really about adoption at all. If the same situation came about and your child wasn't adopted, the exclamation would be "I wish I never was born into this family!!" It's the same sentiment. It may hurt more, and cause more fear because of what we read into it, but it's the same thing. It's not an adoption thing, it's a teenager thing.

No, your adopted child doesn't get to choose what family adopted them. But, you know what? - If they were born to you, they wouldn't have had a choice in that either. Either way, they're yours.

The whole eternal family thing gives stability to both kids and parents throughout the tough times. No, you didn't give birth to them, but they are yours for REAL, forever.

As for the child wanting to live with their birthparent - What would I do? Heck NO! That wouldn't even be an option. I know you hear of that now and again, but the reason it makes such a good story to spread is because it NEVER (almost never) happens! Even the birthparents don't want that. That's not what adoption is. They don't have two families to choose from. I think that most birthparents would love to be "found" (if there's not a relationship all along) and have a relationship with their birthchild, but they don't expect or want to parent them.

I remember my sister saying to my parents (after a hefty disagreement) I wish I could go live with Amy's family (blah blah blah - insert ranting here)... My parents replied, calmly and nonchalantly, "Well, you're going to have to take that up with Heavenly Father, because He sent you here, not there. This is your family." I can use that same thing for my children. Heavenly Father sent them to me. Their birthmothers feel it, and we feel it.

And in the back of their minds, no matter what is coming out of their mouths, your children just want to know that you love them no matter what, and that they are secure in their relationship with you. Sometimes they may say those things to be reinforced in their standing with you, to double check or test your resolve that YOU know you are their real parents. Not fair, or fun, but part of being parents. Don't worry, your bio child will come up with some doozies, too!

[Juliana13]

You may want to read a new thread that talks about feelings related to these fears/concerns. It is called "Here is my truth..what's yours" and it is in General Adoptive Parent Support (in "Adoptive Parent Support" - which is in "Adoptive Parents")

Not to scare you away from adopting, but to understand the emotions that can come with these issues. It is a really good thread. You have to be able to handle these issues, and develop a little bit of a tough skin to be sucessful in adopting. My tough skin is still developing. Not there yet.

[rottymom]

just my two cents...but if anyone feels threaten by their child saying those words then they need to reconsider adoption. Even bio-children have fantasies of living with the disneyland mom and dad.

[mom2malia]

I have a bio 4 yr old and hoping to adopt. Just yesterday my 4 yr old proclaimed that I was a mean mommy and she was going to go live with the neighbors. (She wanted a cookie before she finished her lunch) I voluntered to call and see if it was okay with them. She backed down pretty quickly and I followed up with hugs and I love you's, and then she ate her lunch! It will happen, but that doesn't mean they don't love you!

[Rylee45]

Oh I agree with everyone so far. It really isn't something to worry about or think your child doesn't love you. Believe me all of my children when they were little told me they wish I wasn't their mom at one time or another because I wouldn't let them do something.

They would tell me that they wished I'd have given them up for adoption like I did their sister. That hurt because I missed my daughter so much and hadn't wanted to give her up. My children always knew about their sister and saw me crying many times about her being gone. So, they used that on me to make me feel bad when they didn't get their way. I learned not to show that it got to me and after awhile, they stopped because they didn't get a reaction anymore.

Kids will use that to get to you but if you don't let it they won't use it too often. If a child knows how to push your buttons (bio or adopted child) they will when they aren't getting their way. It's just human nature.

I'm sure being a parent of an adopted child is more hurtful to hear it because of the adoption and maybe some insecurities but as long as you love your child and always let them know they are important that's the important thing.


Rylee

[sandyashley]

Another birthmom suggestion:

Feel free to relate this story about my having to give my son up. I was sixteen, and didn't have many options. I wanted to keep my son so badly. For a week (and on and off for the last twenty-five years) I couldn't stop crying after his birth. My friend and I went to the LDSS office the day I knew he was going to be placed, with the idea of taking him back. My wonderful terapist let me see, hold, and spend as much time with my son as I wanted. He called the adoptive parents and told them they would have to wait till later in the afternoon to come in. I still feel so badly about that, I can't imagine what they were going through too.

Anyway, as I sat down with my sweet baby I had the most wonderful spiritual experience of my life. I was able to stop crying and I heard "he's not yours, he is meant to bless another family" With that I was able to let him go. It doesn't mean I don't love him, and that I don't think about him all the time and miss him like crazy. But the Lord's blessing that day made it tollerable. Tell your adoptive children that they may have come to you in an unusual way, but they WERE always meant to be yours.

[Eternal_Family]

I am still in the process of this new experience. However, I think that is part of the risks parents take when they adopt waiting children. I have also read lately, that when the adoption is open it is better all around. It helps parents give their children the answers they always want to know and helps them move forward, as well as help the parents not fear the birth parents will come one day and try to take your child away. Perhaps you should read into it. I have also read that sometimes waiting children will test their parents, because they are afraid and hurt that they their parents will terminate their parental rights as their birth parents did. The only thing you can do as a parent is love your child regardless of what he or she might say when hurt, upset or afraid. Treat your child the same way you would treat your biological child when they say things, such as the other posters have said, “Mean Mommy” or “I want to go live with someone else.”