[mrsbusby]

Truth is - I'm not really in search - I'm lost.
I was in touch with LDSSS and the caseworker there was nice enough to call the adoptive family - unfortunately the adoptive mom answered the phone and panicked. The caseworker couldn't even get her to admit who she was until he prodded her some.
She is scared and wants nothing to do with a reunion. My son is only 18 - going to be 19 next week - and therefore until he is 21, I have to go through his parents.
I wrote a letter to her and him - asking for contact. I don't believe she ever gave it to him. It had my myspace address on it so that he could perhaps lurk on my life a bit with no strings attached - but I've never heard anything from him.
As I said, he turns 19 next week - and he will probably be going on a mission soon because I believe he is still Mormon. He will be completely unable to contact for two years and he may go to a third world country or worse. I believe that if anything ever happened to him, I wouldn't be told. I'm very discouraged.
Nothing against the adoptive mom - I sympathize with her as best I can - but I feel like by giving him up, I did a selfless thing - so that she could have a family - and it's ironic that she is now being so selfish - at least in my opinion. I'm probably wrong to feel that way.
I was so excited for his 18th birthday - I was under some false delusion that on that magic day last year I would receive a phone call from him and it would all fall into place. But reality dealt me a harsh slap in the face. It is hard to keep hoping when I know the obstacles that are in my way. It's hard to stop dreaming of him.
Thanks for listening.

[Juliana13]

Well, a few thoughts... Take them or leave them. (And maybe someone else will chime in who has better thoughts than me...)

First, I sympathize with your feelings and wanting to have contact. It's hard when you were thinking and hoping for one thing, only to find that it might be so much later than you thought.

You might want to join the forum for birth families awaiting their first contact. They seem to be a good support for each other. The ansty waiting seems to start at the 18th birthday (or earlier), but many don't get contacted until years later. Some adoptees want to contact earlier, and some don't want to reunite until they are established, maybe in their 30's or later. It needs to be up to the adoptee. Not you. The initial contact should come from HIM, not from you. You chose adoption, and now just have to be patient. I know, that is nearly impossible, but it really needs to be his decision. He may come sooner, he may not want that contact for a while. It needs to be up to him.

On that same note, it would be nice if you knew he had the contact information, for when he wants it. The only way to be sure is to leave it with LDSFS, so it is there for him when he is ready for it. You sent it to his mom, but you can't be sure she gave it to him. Maybe she is a stinker, or maybe she is just waiting until she feels it's the right time. You don't really have any way to know.

Another thought: You did not give your child up so she could have a family. You didn't do it for her. You did it for your son. Yes, you were selfless, but it was for your baby. On that subject, she may not be being selfish at all. She might know her son better than you, and know he is not ready for contact. Of course, it would be nice if she told you that, instead of just leaving you hanging. The considerate thing to do would be for her to write back, and let you know what's up. But she may not know how emotionally involved you are. She SHOULD know, but she might not.

And still another thought: (are you tired of hearing my thoughts yet? ) Right before a young man leaves on a mission may not be the best time to open up all these emotions and start this relationship. He has a lot on his plate (if, indeed he is going on a mission.) Either way, he is still very young, and may not be anywhere near ready for this. Even at 21 many kids are not ready. Just be prepared for that, just in case. When I was on my mission, I didn't have the time or focus to deal with anything from back home. I was totally focused on the mission, and didn't even write very regularly (except the required weekly letters to my parents). Even if he met you and started down that path, he'd likely let it go and not be able to put much, if anything, into it for a couple of years. He'll need that space. (And wherever he gets sent, either to a third-world country, or to California... NO matter where he goes, they always come back in 2 years.)

And finally, you are NOT wrong to feel hurt, or upset, or discouraged. If it's what you really feel, then it is valid. You may not get what you want when you want it, or even when you think you should get it. It may help to get the support of others in your same situation. All you can do is to respect the feelings and rights of your birthson and his parents, and make sure the doors are open on your end, ready for whenever he is ready to make that leap.

Anyway, those are a few of my thoughts. I'm not as eloquent as some, but want you to know you are being thought of and good vibes are being sent your way...

[mrsbusby]

Hi.
Thank you for your response. You were right in many things that you said - the most important being that what I did, I did for my son and the first contact has to be from him. It's hard to think that his life is passing by and I'm missing all of it - that's where the impatience comes from. But after a lot of soul searching and thinking this past weekend (his 19th birthday was last Friday) - I have decided to stop trying so hard and simply sit back and allow things to happen naturally.
I am a believer that things will work out the way they are supposed to when they are supposed to. I need to put that faith in this situation as well. I have six beautiful children in my home and my focus needs to be on them. My birthson has a family and a mom and a dad and right now, he isn't ready for more.
When he's ready, the means are there - his original birth certificate has my contact information attached and LDSFS has the same information.
Thank you again for what you said and the gentle way you said it - with such pain associated with this kind of decision, even if it is a dissenting opinion, it's nice when the opinion is kind and voiced with compassion.
Good luck in your life and everything,
Debbie

[Juliana13]

Another thing weighing on my mind about your first post... You mentioned that you were probably wrong to feel the way you felt. And later you mentioned it is hard to stop dreaming of him. I think in this crazy world of adoption - and life in general, really - If your feelings are honest, then they are valid. And someone telling you how you SHOULD feel rarely helps. You feel how you feel. You have pain. You have frustration. You are dealing with bitter disappointment. You have suffered an intense and heartbreaking loss. Even if it may have been due to choices you made, that doesn't make it less heartwrenching. Most birthmothers never get over it, how could they? They shouldn't be expected to (although they often are). CAN you ever stop dreaming of him? Probably not. And you don't have to. You love him, and always will. You don't have to feel bad for wanting, for dreaming. Of course, it would be good if it didn't consume your life or negatively impact the relationship you have with your other children. And you have to let your birthson lead the life you gave him, let him be free to be him. But let go entirely? Although to some extent it must be done, I don't think the heart can ever do that, really.

And I firmly believe that the Lord has you covered. He'll get you through this. He knows your heart, and your son's, and how your past and future relationships will help each other grow. You may not be your birthson's mother anymore. But you are his birthmother. And nothing can change that. You hold a special place in his life, and in eternity. Maybe there's fear holding people back, or maybe others are just growing at a different rate on this issue, but your Heavenly Father has it in hand, and will inspire and giude (and comfort) you as you go through this journey.

Good luck, and lots of hugs!
Just a final thought - you said LDSFS has your info - but do they have recent contact from you to your birthson, in case he inquires? Sometimes it takes a while to get identifying info released, unless you have a letter waiting for him there. Just a thought..

[mrsbusby]

I'm not sure if you are a birthmother, or an adoptee or an adoptive mother - but you are definitely insightful into this painful part of my life. I can't thank you enough for reaching out and trying to help - you have made a big difference.
I do not let this consume me. It's always in the back of my mind but most of the time I am a normal, outgoing, happy woman. It only gets really bad around his birthdays. He's always in my thoughts but it's more of a subconscious thought most of the time.
I also believe that God knows what He is doing and will bring us back together when the time is right for all of us. I am also in contact with the birth father and he is anxious as well for a reunion. He has grown into quite a remarkable man with five wonderful children of his own and a great life. It's amazing to think that our birth son - who at times may feel very alone in life - actually has 11 biological brothers and sisters.
I will also take your advice and send a letter to LDSFS to put in my file should my son ever inquire. The caseworker has some information but you are right that I should send something that he can have right away should he ask for it.
Thank you again.