[rose32542]

This is a sensitive issue, and, obviously, given the public nature of this forum, I am a little hesitant to discuss it and don't want to go into too much detail, but if anyone has had a similar experience I'd appreciate a PM, or a public discussion, if appropriate.

DH and I were married in the temple eleven years ago. We have a bio son who is three, and our triplets' adoption was finalized November 18. They are almost a year now, and we ahve been blessed to have had them from the day they were born. Anyway, I called to schedule a Sealing last week, and was informed that this cannot happen. birthmom is still sealed to her ex (who is not the bf of the triplets). Even though she ahs no more interest in the church and really doesn't care, even though her ex is not the bio father and has no interest in the cburch or the babies, they are considered BIC. Our SP has the option of writing to the Salt Lake on our behalf and requesting that we be allowed to go forward, but we have been told that only something like 1-5% of these requests are granted.

Here is what bothers me-- our bishop told us that it doesn't matter who a person is sealed to, as long as the ordinace has been performed. How can this be? Can family connections carry on beyond this life without a sealing binding us? If so, then what is the importance of the ordinance anyway? If not, than how can the matter of whom one is sealed to be irrelevant, as he says?

I'm sure we are not the first people to face this circumstance. I'd appreciate any info from those who have been down this road.

[2manyks]

ive been busy with a new baby and havent been able to get on the computer lately, but i wanted to reply to your post. we have a sib group we adopted also BIC. parents definately didnt live up to their temple covenants. we were told the same thing. temple sealing is an ordinance, like baptism and doesnt need to be redone. when we pull up our church records our adopted children are on them just like the others who were either BIC or adopted and sealed. they are older and i havent worried about their sealing too much until now. we will be taking a newly adopted baby to the temple in july. my question is if the new sib group will get to come like the other children. i think this is when we will find out if it is true. but i would understand you should want to take those babies to the temple. i would write the letter to the first presidency. it is worth a try to explain the situation and see if you can take them, just to make everything *feel* right.

[rose32542]

Thank you for your insight. I really don't know why I am so bothered by this. I believe that God being God will not withhold the blessings of retaining our familial realtionships eternally from my family. I really believe this, having experienced his love and mercy and tender care in my own life more times than I can count, particularly this first year of raising triplets. And yet, I find myself grieving as if I had lost my children. I cry every night. (And right now, too.) I have felt stressed and had to fight snapping at everyone. I have had a blessing, prayed constantly, and done searhces of the church magazines on the subject on lds.org. I should feel at peace. I don't know why it hurts so much.

One thing that is really sad to me is that I very much wanted to adopt again. I can't stand the thought, however, of being sealed to other children and not my triplets, of having to say to the trio, "this is such a special and important day for our family; we are going to be sealed to your new sister/brother so Mommy and Daddy can be his parents and Joey can be her brother forever. It is so important, so special, but we never did it with you." I just don't think I can bear to bind myself to more children when I am not bound to my three precious ones. That makes me so sad; I so wanted to adopt at least one more time.

[HelloImKara]

Rose my heart breaks for you! We are trying to adopt right now and I know I would also be so sad if I could not have those children sealed to us! I hope you can find the peace you are looking for! I don't doubt for one second that in the next life that God will recognize your family and you will be together!!! I think it is a great idea to go ahead and write the General Authorities... it may not change the situation but at least give you the peace you seek. Also perhaps can you get a blessing from your bishop? That has always helped me!

Big hugs to you!

[2manyks]

i have been thinking about your situation and i think you should write the letter. i think your situation is exactly the kind that should get the special permission. write the letter already and let us know what happens! like i said before - we also have 2 kids we would like to take to the temple, but our situation is a little different and it is not the right time to take them, but i will be taking our new baby, even if they cant come.

[ldsadoptionblog]

Rose,

I would suggest that you email Holly who writes the Africa Adoption Blog for adoption.com. She is in Africa right now and probably won't be able to respond until she gets home, but she and her husband have adopted several children from disrupted adoptions. If I remember correctly, at least one of these children had been sealed to her original adoptive parents. Holly knows a lot about this kind of thing and I really believe she'd be able to offer some advice and guidance.

I do know that sealings are sometimes cancelled and then redone with the new adoptive family. i don't know how often it happens, but I know that some temple presidencies have begun to require a waiting period for sealings of internationally adopted children (when the adoption is already final) because of an increase in disruptions and subsequent requests for sealing cancellations.

I think it would be wise to write the letter because it certainly couldn't hurt! In any case, it's likely that even if the request isn't granted, you'll at least receive an appropriate explanation straight from the proper authorities, and you won't have to wonder or worry any longer.

[Sprgtime]

I think you need clarification from you Bishop. Ask your Bishop to show that policy in writing. Perhaps you could get him to give you something in writing stating that it doesn't matter to whom you are sealed.

Maybe you should ask him if he would mind if someone else was sealed to his wife. Afterall, it doesn't matter as long as the ordinance is performed, right?

[Juliana13]

Why did it even come up that they were previously sealed? That is irrelevant.

All you have to do is make an appointment (choose another temple if you want), and tell them you have finalized your triplet's adoption and want to have them sealed to you. You will fill out a family group sheet, and provide your adoption finalization papers for the temple worker to look at (although at the sealing of our first adopted child, they didn't even look at it). You don't need special permission from your bishop or SP, as long as you have current recommends.

Once you have adopted them, they are YOURS, and need to be sealed to you. Don't bring up the birthmom, and they won't ask.

If you still have trouble, which you shouldn't, ask a social worker at LDS Family Services (even if you didn't adopt through them) and they will guide you.

Goop luck! (Like having triplets wasn't stressful enough!! - Something like this has to be thrown into the mix!)

[kalinka]

Originally Posted by Juliana13

Why did it even come up that they were previously sealed? That is irrelevant.

Once you have adopted them, they are YOURS, and need to be sealed to you. Don't bring up the birthmom, and they won't ask.

Rose:

I have to disagree with Juliana, though I know she means well. Sealings are a very big deal, which is why you should make sure to research, pray and do this the right way.

I'm going to share a story that hopefully you can relate to this situation. My grandfather died when my father was three years old, leaving my grandmother a widow with three small children. They had been sealed together in the temple, and so Grandma was not allowed to be sealed to her second husband that she married about twelve years later. They had two children together. Now, in the next life, will those two kids be left in limbo, or with a father they never knew? Did my grandmother love them any less, or treat them differently? Of course not. In fact, she insisted that all five children were siblings and there was no half about it. Trust in God that even if this doesn't work out the way YOU want it, it will all work out.

You know that these children aren't just YOURS, they aren't just their birth parents' kids either. They are CHILDREN OF GOD. You wouldn't want to have an unethical adoption, and you wouldn't want to feel like your sealing was snuck past a temple presidency.

Temple sealings aren't a guarantee that your children will be with you forever. The thing that is most important is for you and your husband to be the best parents you can for these kids. That is what their birth parents and God expect of you.

Definitely bring this situation up to the First Presidency. Every situation like this that crosses their desks increases the likelihood of changes to church policies on sealings. They should be made aware that 1) The child is not related biologically to the ex-husband and 2) The couple are divorced civilly. If they do not have children from their marriage, I think you stand a good chance of being able to help them have their sealing dissolved and you would be able to be sealed to these children.

If your birth mom and her ex write letters of support (and if the case is right, ask for a cancellation of their sealing), you very well may be sealed to these kids. Make sure that you keep building a relationship of trust and love with the birth family. I think your stake president doesn't want to get your hopes up too much. Be patient.

The feelings of grief about the sealing that you are experiencing can be turned to good. They will help you realize in a very small part, the sacrifice your children's birth family made with this placement. I honestly feel that the relationships we build with our children's birth parents will bind us together in the next life. How else do you explain the intense connection we feel with one another during selection and placement?

As for adopting future children and having these three feel left out...you and your husband have a lot of control over how you approach the discussion with them and if you handle all the other parenting issues that come up well, they will know how much you love them and won't feel like you love your other kids more. As you may realize, the sealing is to the PARENTS, so your biological son would be able to witness, but not participate fully in the sealing ordinance since he is sealed to you. Even if you can't have the triplets sealed to you in this life, you may be able to still have them witness a sealing. You will want to check on this when the time comes.

Dry your eyes, enjoy those kids and remember to show your eternal gratitude to the birth family. Hope this helps.

[ticchick]

I'm not sure what BIC is? Or why it matters who she is sealed to if she gave the babies up for adoption, especially if he is not their bio father. I think having them sealed to you is an important and big deal, and it will matter to them to find out later it was done with other siblings but not them. (this is coming from an adoptee and I still have some memories of my sister and I being sealed to my parents) I would encourage you to write to SLC to ask for an exception. 1-5 percent is not super high but for that 1-5 percent its enough!

[ticchick]

p.s. I kind of have to agree with Juliana- sometimes it just depends on the person you are dealing with on whether they are going to be a stickler on certain rules. I have bishops say something is not a big deal where others have said it was.

If you have no luck with writing to SLC I would try what she said. If the bmother and her ex are not even into the church anyway that sealing is not going to end up being valid anyway, right? And I think a sealing certainly does need to be redone when it is to different parents (the ones who will be raising the children). For me it was also an emotional/spiritual validation of being my parent's child and wiping out any difference being adopted could have made.

[carlzbad]

I hope everything has worked out for you. I know that my ex and I were sealed and just recently I placed a baby girl for adoption and she is not biologically my exhusbands. I did sign a paper saying that she can be sealed to her mom and dad. It is crazy how much I have learned about the church through all this and how much of it I would actually be ok not knowing. My question is would the birthmom just need to sign the same form or what? My sealing with my ex is not disolved until I get resealed again just for the sealing blessing benefits. Obviously my ex and I won't be together in the eternal scheme of things since we didn't keep our covenants. It is so I am not left hanging in the afterlife if I never get remarried again. I hope I am making sense and maybe I helped. Not sure. Let me know. Hope things are looking up for you. Easier said then done because we are mortals but Heavenly Father will not leave you hanging because of someone elses choices. A way will be provided for your family since your desires are righteous.

[Rylee45]

Wow, I never knew that having a child sealed to them after they adopted the child/ren could be so complicated. Wow.

I just assumed once the rights were taken from the parents (whether by choice or forse) and they were adopted by someone that the ties were automatically cut even in a sealing.

I guess you learn something new all the time.

As to the question about what BIC stands for I don't know if that was answered or not, it stands for "Born In the Covenant".

Rylee