[soontobe3]

Originally Posted by bromanchik

It needed to read... "LDS does not support the option of single parenting."

The bottom line is the option of parenting was never presented as being in the "best interests of the child" and adoption was. In the same document I quoted they site a number of studies and statistics to shore up the position of the rightness of placement and the hazards of single parenting. One of the studies is almost 20 years old.
My point is, that while single parents may be embraced by their congregations, unmarried parents in unplanned pregnancies are getting guidance by those who have been told "unwed parents should be encouraged to place the child for adoption, preferably through LDS [Family] Services” (“Policies and Announcements,” Ensign, Apr. 1999, 80).
and
"experience has shown that adoption, difficult though this may be for the young mother, may afford a greater opportunity for the child to live a life of happiness. Wise and experienced professional counselors and prayerful bishops can assist in these circumstances.”President Gordon B. Hinckley, “Save the Children,” Ensign, Nov. 1994, 53.

It takes a lot to go against professionals and religious leaders who are encouraging you to place.

bromanchik- You are right. The official possisition of the church is exactly as you have said so well with quotes and everything. And it does take alot to "go against professionals and religious leaders" but that does not mean that they are being forced into their decission. It is a choice. First and for most our religion believes in Agency. The members of our church are encouraged to make informed decisions. That means seeking out the facts of situations as well as seeking out what our prophets have counceled. Our prophets have also seeked out the facts and have the best interest of ALL ,including the birthparents, in mind. Below are the FACTS and STATISTICS, with up to date studies to support them.

The reason that single partenting "was never presented as being in the 'best interests of the child'". Is that because according to studies, it is not in the best interest of the child. However, that does not mean that single parenting is not an option to be considered when in this sad situation. The FACTS are that aprox. 1/3 of expecting mothers who go into LDSFS choose to place, another 1/3 choose to marry and parent and the other 1/3 choose to single parent. All options are presented and all options, no matter what the choice is, are supported and the expecting parents are encouraged to attend support groups, so as to help them with what ever decision that they have made.


YOUR BABY AND YOU
—THINGS TO CONSIDER—
“When a man and a woman conceive a child out of wedlock, every effort should be made to
encourage them to marry. When the probability of a successful marriage is unlikely … unwed
parents should be counseled to place the child for adoption…” 1
BENEFITS OF BEING RAISED BY A MOTHER AND FATHER
􀁹 “Recent studies document the importance of fathers in the lives of their
children. Children develop best when they have warm, intimate,
continuous, and enduring relationships with both their fathers and their
mothers.” 2
􀁹 Children growing up with a father and mother are less likely to drop out of
school, to divorce or separate, and/or to depend on welfare. They are also
less likely to become pregnant out-of-wedlock and engage in delinquent
behavior.3
EFFECTS OF SINGLE PARENTING ON MOTHER AND CHILD
􀁹 “Data shows that women who have nonmarital births have lower
educational attainment and lower incomes, are less likely to work full time,
and more likely to receive welfare.” 4
􀁹 Children who are raised by a single parent are “five times as likely to be
poor, twice as likely to drop out of school and two to three times more
likely as adults to commit crimes”. 3
􀁹 Single mothers experience “disproportionately higher rates of physical and
psychiatric illness” than married mothers. Single mothers also report less
social involvement and fewer contacts with friends.5
POSITIVE EFFECTS OF ADOPTION
􀁹 Children placed in adoptive homes have better scores in school and engage
in less delinquent behavior than children raised by a single parent. 6
􀁹 Children in adoptive families have better health status and higher quality
home environment than all other children. 6
􀁹 Mothers who place their child for adoption are “more likely to finish school
and less likely to live in poverty”. 6
􀁹 Mothers who choose adoption are more likely to marry than those who
parent their baby. 6
“Adoption is not a breaking of trust but a keeping of faith… not the abandonment of a baby but
an abandonment of self for a baby’s sake.” 7
1 First Presidency Letter (2002). The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
2 Nelson, D.W., Moore K.A. (1999). The Right Start: State Trends. Child Trends
KIDS COUNT Special Report, 4-14. Retrieved October 25, 2005,
The Right Start > Introduction
3 Gallagher, M. (1999) The Age of Unwed Mothers: Is teen Pregnancy the Problem?. A
Report to the Nation, 4-5.
4 Terry-Humen, E., Manlove, J., Moore, K.A. (2001) Birth Outside of
Marriage:Perceptions vs. Reality. Child Trends Research Brief, April 2001.
5 Cairney J., Boyle M., Offord D.R., Racine Y. (2003). Stress, social support and
depression in single and married mothers. Social Psychiatry Psychiatric
Epidemiology, 38, 442-449.
6 Fagan, Patrick F. (1999) Adoption: The Best Option. In Marchner, C. & Pierce, W.L.
(Eds.), Adoption Factbook III (pp. 2-6). Waite Park, MN: Park Press Quality
Printing Inc.
7 Young, Curtis (2001). The Missing Piece: Adoption Counseling in Pregnancy Resource
Centers. Family Research Council, 8(1). Retrieved March 1, 2005, Heartlink
Website: http://www.family.org/pregnancy/archives/a0030048.cfm.
N:\LDS_FS\_EDT\Birth Parent\Your Baby And You-Things To Consider-2005/Your Baby And You- Things To Consider-2005.doc

[soontobe3]

Originally Posted by lonni

I NEVER mentioned the LDS religion in my post and I would appreciate it if you do not refer to MY perspective as "of SATAN".
WOW,I was about to ask a question about where to find a description/explanation/forum of my questions about my interest in LDS,but seriously never mind. My interest is gone and I am beyond shocked.

Lonnie, I am sorry that I offended you. I really was not refuring your post and perspectives as that of Satan. All that I was saying to Landonsmommy, (I really wasn't even trying to respond to you) is that satan can put these thoughts in our heads. I know that you did not mention LDS religion in your post, but we are in the LDS forum, again I was not refuring to you directly. I am sorry if I worded things to make you feel like I was attacking you or your feelings. I was just trying to give another perspective on how Landonsmommy is feeling. Please accept my apology!

[mom2GRLC]

Bromanchick-

To truly understand the first presidency's councel to unwed mothers you really have to understand all the other principles of the gospel and the purpose of this life. The recommendation to place the child for adoption when marriage is not possible is centered around gospel principles, and the very basics of our beliefs on "the Family". It is also recommended for the unwed mother herself. Statistics show that a mother who places her child for adoption is much more likely to find happiness in life...by receiving all the blessings of the temple and marriage...than one who keeps her baby....the percentage is much lower of her making it to the temple.

I have seen that over the years with many friends and aquantances. Many who did keep their babies never married in the temple, many even slowely fell away from the church. Not because of lack of support or fellowship but because of their feelings of their own personal worthiness.

Yet the happiest endings were in those who placed their child.

A friend of mine got pregnant when she was 19. She decided to place the baby through LDS social services Not even a year later she married her husband and right away got pregnant with twins. A year after they were married civily they were able to bring their precious twins to the temple and be sealed forever.

While a part of her will always feel the loss of her first child. She has an open relationship with his adoptive parents and she finds joy in knowing she made the right choice for her son and that he is right were he is supposed to be.

She went through the grieving process just like you. But with time it DOES get better. Because you focus on what was best for your child.

I asked her one time if she ever wished she could have done it differently....now that she is married a year or so later in the temple and has her two other boys.....she's now able to provide everything she always wanted for her son... but to my suprise she said NO. She knew in her heart that he is where he is supposed to be and if it wasn't for her placing him she may not be where she was today married to her husband and sealed forever.

So the blessings will come to you as well and so will the confirmation that you did the right thing.

I really recommend talking to a councelor about your feelings.

[crick]

This thread is WAY WAY Off Topic folks....

While I understand the need to educate others and set things straight, we really need to focus on the OP and help find ways to support her through her time of need.

I doubt among that support is a lesson of single parenting and the church's beliefs, since she likely already knows all of it....

[Hey Nonny]

Landonsmommy,

I pm'd you...

[landonsmommy]

Soontobe3,
YOUR BABY AND YOU
—THINGS TO CONSIDER—
“When a man and a woman conceive a child out of wedlock, every effort should be made to
encourage them to marry. When the probability of a successful marriage is unlikely … unwed
parents should be counseled to place the child for adoption…” 1
BENEFITS OF BEING RAISED BY A MOTHER AND FATHER
�� “Recent studies document the importance of fathers in the lives of their
children. Children develop best when they have warm, intimate,
continuous, and enduring relationships with both their fathers and their
mothers.” 2
�� Children growing up with a father and mother are less likely to drop out of
school, to divorce or separate, and/or to depend on welfare. They are also
less likely to become pregnant out-of-wedlock and engage in delinquent
behavior.3
EFFECTS OF SINGLE PARENTING ON MOTHER AND CHILD
�� “Data shows that women who have nonmarital births have lower
educational attainment and lower incomes, are less likely to work full time,
and more likely to receive welfare.” 4
�� Children who are raised by a single parent are “five times as likely to be
poor, twice as likely to drop out of school and two to three times more
likely as adults to commit crimes”. 3
�� Single mothers experience “disproportionately higher rates of physical and
psychiatric illness” than married mothers. Single mothers also report less
social involvement and fewer contacts with friends.5
POSITIVE EFFECTS OF ADOPTION
�� Children placed in adoptive homes have better scores in school and engage
in less delinquent behavior than children raised by a single parent. 6
�� Children in adoptive families have better health status and higher quality
home environment than all other children. 6
�� Mothers who place their child for adoption are “more likely to finish school
and less likely to live in poverty”. 6
�� Mothers who choose adoption are more likely to marry than those who
parent their baby. 6
“Adoption is not a breaking of trust but a keeping of faith… not the abandonment of a baby but
an abandonment of self for a baby’s sake.” 7

I wonder what the ages of the girls who choose to place, are used to collect these facts you posted. While I understand that drug addicts, users, and 15 or 16 yr old girls are unfavorable candidates for single mothers, some single moms are more capable. I am a 24 yr old, sober and clean woman, who makes a very decent income with health benefits. While I am missing the important father figure, I doubt that will be the case forever, at least I hope.
Im not trying to come across as defensive for you posting those stats, but in a way, I am defensive. That list of statistics, cannot be a blanket, one size fits all, type of facts.
I did make the decision I made, and now I live in a world of regret, and I do not feel that its necessary for me to have a daddy for Landon right now, but obviously, it would be ideal. I know that when I had him for 5 days, and I was running on 10, maybe 12 hours of sleep, for the whole 5 day period, the thoughts did cross my mind, "man, this would be so much easier if I had a husband to help carry the load!". I just wanted sleep! But I didnt resent having to stay up either. Every second I had with Landon was a perfect moment.
The amount of pressure that exsists from family, church members, and church leaders, now looking back in retrospect, is overwhelming. They all told me, its my choice, but then would follow it up with, but the best thing for him would be placing him. And now that I want him back, I have my mother telling me, it would set a bad example for others around me who know that I placed him, and that the adoptive family would be "crushed". While the latter of that statement is undeniably true, that should not be the deciding factor for my choice to try to get him back.
I love the aparents, but this is my life and landons life that is going to be effected too. I refuse to live my life with this HUGE regret just resting on my shoulders. I dont want to go one more day wishing my life would end so I dont have to feel this pain anymore. THat is no way for anyone to live.

My general message for anyone reading this post, make sure you make the decision to place, on your own, with Gods guidance. Do NOT be swayed by other peoples thoughts or ideals of what would be best for you or the baby. Only God and you know that. Every situation is different, in some cases placement is truly what is best for the baby, if you are not even capable of caring for yourself, and you havent finished school, that is not typically the best situation to consider raising a child.
But make sure YOU make the decision, or you'll have to live in your regret.

[longingtomeetyou]

Originally Posted by lonni

I feel your answer is right here in this post you wrote. **You feel you can only live a happy life with your son back** and **you feel you made the wrong decision.** The thing stopping you is **You don't want to hurt the paps.**
I am an adoptive mom and adoptee and I believe you should do what is right for YOU and YOUR BABY and that is it.
I believe the Lord loves you and your baby very much.

beautiful post hon
last thing this girl needs is condemnation for her actions....brother

[mom2GRLC]

If you feel so strongly that you want your baby back and your feelings are beyond the normal process of grief and loss then why don't you speak with the social worker or however it was that you worked with and tell her how your feeling and find out what your legal rights are. the longer you wait may prevent you from actually getting the child back. That's why I recommended speaking with a councellor with LDS social services or your bishop right away. You may even want to consult your own personal attorney to make sure you know what your legal rights are.

[longingtomeetyou]

hi landonsmommy .....

i just want to bring words of encouragement and comfort at this incredibly difficult time of your life....

i remember it all too well

you need to find out if you have a window of time to change your mind....

looking back i wish someone told me i had options......my parents did not want me to go back home until my baby was adopted ......so sad.....

i noticed you are doing well in your career thats great! and your not a druggy etc......awesome......

from what i can tell if you still have a window of time frame to change your mind......i would reconsider......

but again hon this is YOUR decision......
but i can tell you from my own experience as i was a single mom also for a few years.......and am i ever glad i kept him..... what a joy hes been!!!!


your also in a much better situation that i was in also.....having family around for support thats great!

i think you really need to find out if you still have options....or if it was a done deal....

God bless hon and let me know what happens......

[bromanchik]

Landonsmommy, I think it is important to know that most of the research and statistics used in the article cited are almost 20 years old. They fail to use the most recent research on grief and loss. I really encourage you to get information on the laws in UT from a source outside of LDS. Legal aide or a lawyer. As you discussed earlier the pressure to place is tremendous and if you had legal rights I doubt you would be encouraged to exercize them.

I know the trauma of seperation and grief. Please feel free to contact me if you like.

PS. If there are those on the list that want the actual reasearch sites please pm me and I'll send you the abstracts.

[waiting4myfamily]

Landonsmommy, I am truly so very sad that you are having such a hard time. I am not in your place, never have been, therefore I cannot say I know how you are feeling. Please go back to LDSFS and talk with someone there. They have counseling available for you for the rest of your life and they are willing to help you in any way. If I were your baby's mother, I would want to know how you were feeling and the only way she can know this is through LDSFS.

I just really wanted to say to you that since I first read your post, you have been in my prayers. Please keep us informed on your situation and know that you are truly loved by those here, your family, and especially your Heavenly Father.

V

[kakuehl]

Hi, how are you doing Landonsmom?

[2manyks]

i feel bad that this thread turned into a discussion of LDS beliefs instead of helping landons mommy. i dont think anyone meant for it to be this, but that is what it has become. landons mommy came to LDS forum for LDS advice. others who are not LDS should remember this.

landons mommy -i am sure your regret and sorrow are real. i am sure you feel terrible. get a blessing from a trusted priesthood leader. it should help you know your answer. i am sure you felt pressure to place. i am sure you love landon. what do you think is best for landon? only you and the Lord can know the answer. you are an adult and you can decide. you know what it takes to live in the world. you are not some 16 yo who just wants to keep the baby because its cute. you know your personal situation the best and you know if that is the best place for landon. is the best place for him with you, your sister and a babysitter or the adoptive parents you chose for him. as i said before, only you and the Lord can know the answer. you & landon are in my prayers.

[christx]

Originally Posted by landonsmommy

Thank you all for your responses. I have signed the relinquishment papers, and I live in Utah.
I know my son will be happy and loved with his adoptive parents, I just have so much hurt and regret, that I want him back, to stop the pain.
I guess Im being selfish. I just dont want to live my life, in misery. I want to always remember Landon, but not dwell on his absence. That is my fear.

I know that for him, having a mom and dad, is beneficial, but I also know that I could care for him as well. I just would have to leave him with my sister during the day, while I worked, and maybe even have a babysitter that I hire. I have a really good job, with benefits, but its very time consuming, which would leave me with minimal time during the day for my son. And I wanted to go to school this summer, but if I had him, I wouldnt go. I would much rather spend every minute of extra time with him.

I know grieving is part of this process, and it hasnt even been a week, but this is more pain than I have ever, ever experienced, and I am afraid that it wont go away.

Hi Landon's Mommy:
20 years ago I was in a similar situation, but I never received couseling or advice or anything of the sort. I kept my baby girl. I didn't know anything about LDS Social Services and didn't understand the eternal consequences of keeping my baby. I hope what I say here can help in some way. I moved to Utah shortly after my daughter was born. I was 21 years old and had two years of college behind me. I'll just list a few negatives and a few positives.

Negatives:
--I had a good job with benefits, but someone else was raising my baby while I was at work -- potty training, walking, first words, etc. It broke my heart every day that I had to leave her with the sitter.
--Dating was a no-go. The guys my age were freaked out by me having a baby. Some were concerned with the "worthiness" factor, but some just didn't know how to handle it. Also, I didn't really want to date because that meant leaving my daughter with a sitter even more.
--I didn't really fit in with the singles scene because I had a baby, and I didn't really fit in with parents of other babies because they were all married. I was stuck between two worlds.
--Finances were up and down. Even with a good job and benefits, expenses added up really quickly. I signed up for WIC, and that really helped. We lived in subsidized housing for a few months, but I found that most of the other people that lived there didn't desire anything better, but I did. But I couldn't afford any other type of housing for a while, so it got really depressing. One time I had to go to the emergency food shelter just to get by over a weekend. Another time, someone anonymously left several bags of groceries on my doorstep, which really saved us. But just before my daughter turned one year old, I just couldn't take it anymore. My parents agreed to take her for a few months (they lived in another state) so I could get myself together and try and save some money to support her better. After a month and a half, I couldn't stand it any longer, so my mom brought my daughter back to me. My daughter didn't know me any longer after just 1.5 months, and she was terrified when my mom left. I had missed her first steps, her first birthday, many of her first words, etc. I was thankful for my parents' help, but many times over the first few years, I considered placing her for adoption so she would have a more stable environment. It was a roller coaster, to say the least.
--To this day, I have never married. I have spent my life full-time being a mom. I don't regret putting her first in my life, but because I haven't found "the one" yet, she and I still are not sealed. So she isn't sealed to ANYONE yet. It has also been difficult because she has wanted siblings, but she doesn't have any. And even more difficult, she has been left out of a lot of church-related activities because she doesn't have a dad around (I'm sure this is also a problem of children who have inactive dads, or divorced parents, etc.)
--It took me FOREVER to forgive myself for this transgression, which I'm sure affected her.

Positives:
--Having my daughter in my life has brought me more joy than I could have ever imagined.
--Fortunately, she never had any major health problems, behavior problems, or learning disabilities. She did go through temper tantrums at age 3-4, but other than that, she has been an absolute angel.
--Over the years, we have developed a very close relationship. It's like we're best friends. I haven't hidden anything from her, and she confides in me all the time.
--I have stayed active in the church throughout her entire life, even though it's been hard sometimes. So she had her baby blessing, baptism, confirmation, went through Young Women, had church callings, etc. I must say that the Lord blessed both of us beyond anything I could have imagined.
--When my daughter was in 4th grade, I left my job and went back to college full-time to finish my bachelors degree. We were poor once again, but it was great fun. After I graduated from college, we moved away from Utah because I felt like she needed some exposure to other kinds of people. Utah was a great place for us while we were there, but it is good that we left when we did.
--Over the years, the Church has been my strength. When I was laid off a few years ago, the Church saved my house. I have never felt judged by any of my bishoprics or stake presidencies. Some people haven't known how to handle "the situation," but I've always been up front and not secretive about how my daughter came to be. And I think that people have appreciated that I had repented, eventually received my endowment, and became a contributing member of whatever ward I was in.
--Things are especially good right now. I am at a job where I'm making more money than I thought I ever would. My daughter graduated from high school with excellent grades and many, many talents. She is now a junior at a prestigious university. Most importantly, she has learned from my past mistakes and has kept herself worthy. She recently became engaged, and she'll be married in the temple this summer and sealed to her companion. I have faith that someday, she and I will be sealed together as well.

I don't want to sugar-coat anything or try to make everything seem bad. Just like anything, there have been ups and downs. Keeping my daughter was the right decision for ME. It is not necessarily the right decision for everyone. It has been a long, difficult road. I think that, if I had placed her for adoption, she would have been fine as well.

If I could change anything, I wish that I would have known about LDS Social Services 20 years ago so I could have made my decision understanding the eternal consequences beforehand. I don't know if my decision would have been different, but at least I would have had more information. For high-school age birth mothers, I would recommend (in general) placing their beautiful babies for adoption. However, each situation is unique, and therefore each decision must be made between the birth mother and the Lord. I agree with those that have counseled to ask for a blessing from a Priesthood holder that you trust. You may need more than one blessing over the next several weeks and months. No matter your final decision, there will be times that you'll wonder if you did the right thing, and then there will be times that you'll know you did the right thing. I cannot imagine the loss you must feel right now. Stay close to the Lord, and He will be mindful of you and comfort you no matter the outcome. I wish you only the best, and I hope this extremely long note has helped you in some way.
Sincerely,
A Sister in Texas

[lmc618]

Hello...my name is Laura and Im an LDS birthmom. My little boy is 3 years old. I barely use this forum but I would love nothing more than to chat with you about your situation. If you'd like, you can email me at XXXX or even call me @ XXXX I know it might seem weird that Im giving you my number, but I totally understand what you are going through and I wish there was someone who understood what I went through at the time. Please hold on...and know that all your feelings are completely valid and normal. Please call me or email me first if you'd like to chat. I live in utah btw.