[mom2GRLC]

I'm just curious what your views are relating to adoption and your child. I grew up feeling one way about it but now my views are changing some.

1) How do you explain to your child WHY they came to your family?

2) how do you explain your eternal connection to them? How do you explain the connection their birthfamily has to them?

3) How do you explain the childs family history/family tree?

4)Do you think being LDS changes your perspective on families or on adoption in general?

5) Do you believe in destiny and that that child was meant to be in your family, or do you believe that life is more about choices and we choose our own destiny(with Gods help and guidance of course)?

6) What do you think the birthmom/birthfamilies role should be in the childs life?

I'll have a bunch more questions but these are the ones I've been thinking of lately.

[aspenhall]

1) How do you explain to your child WHY they came to your family?

I explain that bmom's heart wasn't tough enough to be her mom and so heavenly father helped S find us because he knew we'd be the best for the job

2) how do you explain your eternal connection to them? How do you explain the connection their birthfamily has to them?

That she will belong to our family forever (temple sealing) but that her bfam will always be family to her because S grew her in her tummy. And that they will always be connected because of that

3) How do you explain the childs family history/family tree?

She has 2 families and always will. She owns both heritages. I don't know much about the bfam other than a heavy mafia connection on one side, and felony drug/sex convictions on both sides. I am entirely unsure of her cultural biological heritage (italian, spanish, irish..etc..) Basically It's the same connection I have to my DH's family tree....not my blood, but part of my family now, and mine to claim.

4)Do you think being LDS changes your perspective on families or on adoption in general?

Yes, a bit. But I don't see all adoptions in the same light as I used too. I see now that they are all spiritually different.

5) Do you believe in destiny and that that child was meant to be in your family, or do you believe that life is more about choices and we choose our own destiny(with Gods help and guidance of course)?

I believ that it's different in all cases. Some I believe that at a certain point in our choices, destiny steps in. But mostly it's all about agency with inspiration.

6) What do you think the birthmom/birthfamilies role should be in the childs life?

"Should be" is kinda of an odd way to put it.... How *I* personally see it is...at bare minimum, an Extended family....distant relative type stuff. Kind of like a "cousin-in-law". They are family that plays a less active role in our lives. BUT I may feel differently with the next adoption. I may feel like a sister with them, in which case they'd play a more intimate role....also as time goes on I get closer and closer, so it changes...

[SanInUtah]

Originally Posted by mom2GRLC

I'm just curious what your views are relating to adoption and your child. I grew up feeling one way about it but now my views are changing some.

1) How do you explain to your child WHY they came to your family?

I don't question why the lord brought my son to the world when he did. Son understands that his birthmom loved him enough to give birth to him and that he'll see her again when he's 18. I'll find her for him. My son came to me at 6.5yo. I used to say '...we were always meant to be a family Miguel, it just took me 6 years to find you." He accepts that, because I say it sincerely. I've even heard him say it to others.

2) how do you explain your eternal connection to them? How do you explain the connection their birthfamily has to them?

We are a family. Period. If he chooses to know his first family he can do that, but he's part of ours now. He wants to belong somewhere and feel attached. He's accepted that this is just the way things are in his life.

3) How do you explain the childs family history/family tree?

Mig's family has a heritage to be proud of, from a beautiful country . He's lucky to have the most beautiful copper skin and gorgeous eyes. They don't have to be like everyone elses because everyone else is constantly telling him they wish they had his beautiful tan. LOL

4)Do you think being LDS changes your perspective on families or on adoption in general?

Yes. It's reassuring to my son to know that a church which appreciates lineage respects his connection to us. Like I said, he was 6.5 when he arrived. He's 11.5 now and 'ours'. We see his biological siblings but he's begun to see them as an extension of his life. It took a while but he's firmly rooted in his life here now.

5) Do you believe in destiny and that that child was meant to be in your family, or do you believe that life is more about choices and we choose our own destiny(with Gods help and guidance of course)?

Yep, see question #2. LOL

6) What do you think the birthmom/birthfamilies role should be in the childs life?

We allow as much contact as the kids themselves request, meaning that the foster care providers/adoptive parents/emancipated kids work well together to keep lines open.

First Mom's a hardcore alcoholic, living in less than ideal conditions. I think she needs to straighten herself out before she'll be allowed any access to the kids she lost to DCFS. Having said that, it would be very healing for her to put her arms around my son and tell him that she loves him too. I hope it happens someday! We pray for her (I do, he hasn't in years) and we ask God to care for his brothers and sisters.

His biological grandmother shook him violently enough to cause epilepsy and a permanent severe brain injury, ground her fingernails into his cheeks until he was disfigured, beat him for crying. He was a year old then, missing his mother, and with her as a familial guardian. If his oldest sister hadn't ratted her out, in adoption court no less, she'd have had permanent custody of all the kids. She was prosecuted but the case was dropped with a plea bargain of some sort. So, she got away with it. We faced off in court when she tried to uphold a court order securing supervised visitation. I violated the order and would do it again in a heartbeat. The judge sided with me. She'll never see my son again if I can manage it. I've threatened his oldest siblings with not getting photos if I ever hear that she's seen one. :::::Hiss::::


7. I'll have a bunch more questions but these are the ones I've been thinking of lately.

It gets easier as time goes by. Things have a way of working themselves out easier/quicker when people use respect, their own instincts, and common sense.

[SherBear2528]

1) My children were in foster care before they came to live with us and be adopted by us. They will know one day exactly why they came to live with us.

2) Our oldest are 5 and 4, and we were just sealed a few months ago. They understand pretty well what that means. We haven't yet explained what 'eternal' connection they have to birthfamily.

3) We are still in contact with one grandmother, and hope that as we build a trusting relationship with her, she can help us build that family tree. We do still acknowledge that she is a part of the kids' family, and ours because of that.

4) I have been LDS all my life, and have wanted to adopt for a long time, so I don't think it changes my perspective. It does provide me with the knowledge that families are divine, and that they are formed regardless of appearance, class, etc.

5) I don't believe it is destiny, but I do believe that my Father helped me to know that our situation was right. We had that confirmed again and again.

6) We want our kids' birthfamily to be involved, but they have not yet made that choice (most of them). We still write letters, and send pictures. We will start phone calls once the kids are older and we have built more trust with the relatives we do write to.

Those are my thoughts. Glad to see a little more traffic here lately.

[geogdeb]

1) How do you explain to your child WHY they came to your family?
I explain that bmom's heart wasn't tough enough to be her mom and so heavenly father helped S find us because he knew we'd be the best for the job

I have been on these forums for a long time now and have yet to be offended, but this has done it. What do you mean the bmom's heart wasn't tough enough to be her mom. I would think this is much closer to the truth, and since the LDS church espouses truthfulness, maybe you should change your message to your child.

Her birthmom had a tougher heart than most. She was most likely young, felt like she had committed a mortal sin and wanted to make things right with her family and most importantly for her baby. She was probably told that this was the best thing she could do for the baby and that to keep the baby would not be good for the baby. It most likely broke her tough, tough heart!!!! You should tell your child that her birthmother had a very tough heart and loved her enough to want to give her baby all the things she was told she could not give.

I know this from experience. My heart was tough, and is even tougher now. Your child's birthmom suffered and sacrificed for this child. That is what you should tell your child!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[mom2GRLC]

I am sorry you are hurt by this comment.

I also took it wrong when I first read it and thought how could she write that. But I've read many of her posts and if you go back and read some of them yourself you'll see this comment was not meant to hurt her daughters birthmom or act like she doesn't care enough or that she is weak.

She adopted this little girl as an older child. She has many behavioural and emotional problems related to reactive attacthment disorder and oppositional defiance disorder(if I remember correctly). This little girl needs a huge amount of structure and discipline. Something her birthmother herself admitted she couldn't handle. Some parents can't be as strict as others it's just not in their nature.

I understand you were hurt by her comment and I'm sorry. But to understand why she says that you do have to look directly at HER experience and not look at it as yours....because I'm sure they are completely different circumstances.

It takes a very strong birthmother to place her child for adoption....and a tremendous amount of love and selflessness. I can see how her words could hurt...but please know that she is just looking at it from a different angle than you are.

[aspenhall]

I expected that people knew my story by now...I'm active on these boards to a fault. And, it's in my signature line...well, it used to be more detailed....M2GRLC hit the nail almost right on the head.

In addition to placing my dd at age 3.5, she then abandoned her incredibly devoted husband and all 3 remaining younger boys at christmas last year. This bmom has had a hellish life. She herself aged out of the fostercare system, had been horribly sexually abused for years by her own father prior to that and after all this, has, in my opinion, Reactive Attachment Disorder. Which is why she won't allow herself to become intimately attached. How much closer of an attachment is there, than a parent child relationship?? It WAS too much to handle. Her own issues, created my childs issues, and in her own words in writing, she explained with more complexity, that indeed, she couldn't be A's mom any longer, she simply couldn't handle her. CPS told her this, her therapist agreed. My dd had incredible obstacles to overcome, ones that nearly did me in...and I wasn't dealing with emotional issues like the bmom was. And I know that her bmom will let her down emotionally, and has already since placement,(due to bmom's RAD. ..) if she has normal-high expectations of their current and future relationship. It was not meant to cut S down in anyway. A knows that the heart toughness is SPECIFIC to the job of being a parent, and being married. This is not a criticism, but a SIMPLE fact to explain to a 4 yr old, "why after 3.5 .yrs did she give me away?" I adore the bmom as a 'lil sister in my heart, and I always will. BUT, for her, the decision was made in self preservation. There was no tearful hug and kiss goodbye, she handed her to my husband in the parking lot of a gas station along with one small box of belongings. Because she was distancing herself.

A also knows that is the reason why bmom wants ZERO direct contact with A at this time....I explained again when she asked me If she'd ever see S again, and why we have to wait so long till we do. Her heart would break all over again to say goodbye another time, and she can't handle that (heart not tough enough). Not so much the complete truth, but how else do I explain Reactive Attachment Disorder to a 4-5 yr old???

I am sorry I offended you, it IS the truth in my scenario, as it is in many private older child placements. My child is off the charts brilliant and was completely controlling, because S wsn't tough enough to be in charge due to her own emotional issues. Please go to www.radzebra.org and look at the characteristics of RAD.... it is in it's simplest form "someone whose heart has been damaged so badly, that it isn't tough enough to handle intimate relationships." Now, S isn't recieving help healing, and likely never will (another characteristic of RAD) which means, there will be no reunion filled with joy and closeness, she will remain distant and run when things get too close for comfort. I simply adjusted my child's expectations to a more likely reality, and gave her a reason that would help her guard her own heart against pain, one she can understand, and feel empathy for the bmom with.
It makes the rejection sting less when she understands why she's being rejected and that it has nothing to do with her. S doesn't even send Christmas or b-day cards much to the dismay of my dd...who waits for the mail, hoping this time her heart is tough enough.

We have contact via email currently, but bmom has our names/addresses and phone numbers and knows the door is open to her. She just doesn't use it much....

In a domestic infant adoption, my response would be much different...but that hasn't been MY experience, this one has.

And, BTW, you didn't upset me with your post, the tone of my reply is calm and matter-of-fact...please don't take it another way. I understand, you didn't know my story. If you feel there's a better explaination for a 4-5 yr old in this situation, please let me know!

[tjsjohanna]

1) How do you explain to your child WHY they came to your family?

Our 2 youngest came out of foster care at 3 1/2 & 4 1/2. Their therapist and foster mom were both pretty straight with them on this point. They know the judge in their case terminated parental rights because their parents couldn't be good parents. We've talked about some of those things - like not working, not having a place to live, using drugs & alcohol. As they get older I imagine we'll talk with them about the mental illness their parents had, etc. My philosophy is be honest, be age appropriate, and talk about the positives, too - like their birth parents still love them and want the best things for them.

2) how do you explain your eternal connection to them? How do you explain the connection their birthfamily has to them?

When we were sealed last year, we talked about how they would belong to our family forever - they weren't going to be living with anyone else from now on, until they were grown ups and got married themselves. At this age I don't think they understand too well what role their birth parents play in their lives. There isn't any contact on their side, so it is in the background, other than me bringing it up occasionally. I agree with another writer, though, that there will always be a connection, because those are the parents that brought them into the world and gave them their bodies.

3) How do you explain the childs family history/family tree?

We have tried to gather as much information as we could on their birth parents (not too much, unfortunately). In this day & age when kids have parents & step parents & half siblings & and step grandparents, I think having a bio family isn't all that odd. I plan to encourage my kids to pursue relationships with their bio family if they are so inclined. But if those relationships are detrimental, I don't think they should have to pursue them or feel guilty about not pursuing them.

4)Do you think being LDS changes your perspective on families or on adoption in general?

I've always been LDS so I don't know what my perspective on families would have been, but I think the gospel of Jesus Christ explains just how important and families are - and gives lots of instruction on how to have happy and effective families. In terms of adoption, there's a whole doctrinal aspect to adoption - being adopted into the House of Israel, etc. I think it makes it easier to see ourselves as family, even if we came into being in non-traditional ways (ie adoption). I can't say that I feel my adopted children are less my children than my adopted child. I have connected to each one of them in unique ways, but the connection is there.

5) Do you believe in destiny and that that child was meant to be in your family, or do you believe that life is more about choices and we choose our own destiny(with Gods help and guidance of course)?

I think destiny is the wrong word. I think we make choices based on our desires and hopefully with inspiration. I do think, however, that the Lord does have a hand in who winds up in which families. We contemplated adoption for a long time, began the process, and then were unemployed and had to put our progress on hold. I have to wonder if that timing was intentional, so that when we began the process again, our children would be waiting to be adopted. As the scriptures say, God's ways are not our ways. I think it is simplistic to say things were "meant to be", but I do think the hand of God is in more things than we realize.

6) What do you think the birthmom/birthfamilies role should be in the childs life?

In our preparations, I was all for having birth families and foster families continue to be a part of our childrens' lives (with some restrictions). However, those people have chosen not to stay in contact. We continue to send letters and pictures (about twice a year), but only their maternal grandparents (who have no contact with their birth mom) have maintained any contact at all. Ultimately, all those people are less important than the immediate family that you form. If birth families can have a positive role in your family and with your children, then pursue the relationships. If not, I think you should give your kids the ability to see those relationships in very practical terms. It is sad for birth families if they aren't good at relationships, but it doesn't have to be overwhelmingly sad for your children. They know Heavenly Father loves them, and He has given them people who do love them and know how to care for them. That's my take on things, anyway.

[Daisha]

We have the "normal" adoption! As normal as an adoption can be I guess. Anyway, we were chose by our son's birthmom when she had 3 weeks left in her pregnancy. We met her, she gave birth, placed baby with us and we have a VERY good open adoption relationship now!! She says she has never regretted her decision and everything went as smooth as it could possibly go...with that said...this is what we intend on telling our son!

1) How do you explain to your child WHY they came to your family?

We plan on telling our son that because mommy couldn't grow a baby in her tummy herself, Heavenly Father chose M to grow him for us. As he gets older, we will explain that M was very young (she was 15) and she decided that she wanted Tyce to have a mom and a dad and so she prayed to Heavenly Father about who should be Tyce's parents and the Spirit told her that we were suppose to be his parents. We plan on keeping it fairly simple until he is at the age where he asks more questions...and we will be very honest!

2) how do you explain your eternal connection to them? How do you explain the connection their birthfamily has to them?

We will explain that we took him to the Temple because we wanted him to be our son forever. We will also explain that we will see M and her family in the Celestial Kingdom because we love them and they are like family to us! As he gets older and understands accountability, we will explain that in order for us all to be in the Celestial Kingdom together, everyone needs to be on their best behavior and do the things that Heavenly Father wants us to do!

3) How do you explain the childs family history/family tree?

He will know that as for "geneology" or family history, we are his family and he belongs in OUR family tree. But, his biology (sp?) comes from his birth families family tree!

4)Do you think being LDS changes your perspective on families or on adoption in general?

Yes, because of the eternal prespective! I think for M, knowing that she gave her son an eternal family...that she gave him that ordinance is significant! It is not about just finding a family for your baby...it is finding a family that will raise the baby in the faith that you believe in (if that is the case with the birthmom). It was with ours.

5) Do you believe in destiny and that that child was meant to be in your family, or do you believe that life is more about choices and we choose our own destiny(with Gods help and guidance of course)?

I think that it is all left up to choices...however, everything is pre-destined in the fact that even though we have choices, Heavenly Father KNOWS what we are going to choose. So, Heavenly Father knew that M was going to get pregnant out of wedlock and place Tyce with us. I think that we choose who our parents will be and I whole heartedly believe that Tyce chose us and knew in the pre-existence that he would come to us through adoption! I also had dreams about him and if I were to have given birth to a baby boy...it still would have been Tyce!

6) What do you think the birthmom/birthfamilies role should be in the childs life?

I think they should be the most special of family friends!! They are just what they are...Tyce's birthfamily!! He hopefully will grow up loving them as much as we do!!

I'll have a bunch more questions but these are the ones I've been thinking of lately.

[mom2GRLC]

1) How do you explain to your child WHY they came to your family?

I explain that we had always wanted to be parents but found we weren't able to create a child on our own. We knew we could adopt a newborn baby from our church agency but felt those babies were already being placed with forever families that could teach them the gospel. We knew that so many children are abused and neglected and that the state will step in and help protect these children and try and teach their parents how to care for them but sometimes these parents aren't able or willing to make those changes in their life so the babies need a new home that can keep them safe and care for them like they deserve. We knew we could make more of a difference in these precious spirits lives by gving them the blessings of growing up in the gospel and being sealed to their forever family.


2) how do you explain your eternal connection to them? How do you explain the connection their birthfamily has to them?

I explain the importance family has in the whole plan of salvation and how when we go to the temple (still waiting to finalize our last adoption so we can all go together) we will be sealed together forever. I explain that we will be their Mommy and Daddy forever and that their birthfamilies will be very very special to us. I picture us all being best friends walking side by side together.

3) How do you explain the childs family history/family tree?

I explain that when they are adopted they are grafted into our family tree and become a forever part of our eternal family. I will also explain that their birthfamiliy tree is very special too. Not only can they research the medical aspects of it, and the cultrual aspects of their genetic make-up they can also do a wonderful work for their genetic ancestors by searching them out and prepareing them for temple work. Although they will not be directly connected to their birthfamily, we are all connected to each other through the Adam and Eve and we are all spiritual brothers and sister with God as our father.

4)Do you think being LDS changes your perspective on families or on adoption in general?

It did have a big influence on me at the start. Then I realized that not all birthmom's are the typical birthmom I thought of being raised LDS. Of sweet young girls who made some mistakes and prayed and kewn adoption was the answer and wanted to give their baby a forver family. I began to realize in many cases that isn't true. i began to see the pain a birthfamily feels, I began to see cases where a birthparent felt they had no choice and were forced into placign their child, I began to see children who were abused and neglected.....and how when I first went itnot adopting from fostercare...I did picture them as these awful parents who never deserved to see their children again because of the abuse/neglect they inflicted on them. Then I began to see that these mothers/families regardless for their circumstnaces love their chidlren very very much and how they are all just human like you and me and how terrible it is to have such a terrible consequence of loosing your child because of a mistake (what about Gods forgiveness and the ability to change?). i began questioning adoption/fostecare in general. But now my beliefs in the church are helping me understand Gods plan and my kids purpose in coming to us...etc!!1

5) Do you believe in destiny and that that child was meant to be in your family, or do you believe that life is more about choices and we choose our own destiny(with Gods help and guidance of course)?

i used to believe in Destiny like the child was pre-destined to come to your home. However now I believe more in choices/accountability and listening to the spiirt and being in the right right place when god needs you at the time he needs you. i don't believe my kids were pre-destined to come to me or their birthfamilies. I believe they were simply meant to come to earth to fulfill gods plan and because of free agency on all of our parts our daughter was lead to us and we were lead to her...when we both were in need of each other.

6) What do you think the birthmom/birthfamilies role should be in the childs life?

I think it depends on the circumstances/people involved. I think when possible the child should be able to have contact with all those in their life that love and care for them. I think it can be helpful to the child to understand and deal with everything as they grow up rather than have a difficult life with aunanswered question and searching and a reuinion. But I do feel a child can be perfectly happy never having contact as well. I do feel the child's relationship with their birthfamily (mine at least) must be montored with supervised visits as extended family get togethers verses unsupervised one on one visits. I feel they should be viewed as extended family members not the childs other parents/other family. Just an extension of the family/frined network etc!!

[ticchick]

Originally Posted by mom2GRLC

I'm just curious what your views are relating to adoption and your child. I grew up feeling one way about it but now my views are changing some.

I am both adoptee and birth mother, but this is all coming from an adopted child's pov.

1) How do you explain to your child WHY they came to your family?
My parents told me that they got to choose me. They said that Heavenly Father knew my sister and I needed to be in their family but for reasons only He knew he brought us there by a different route, but that we were meant to be in our family.

2) how do you explain your eternal connection to them? How do you explain the connection their birthfamily has to them?
Our eternal connection was explained simply that we were sealed to them for time and eternity and would be together as a family. The connection my birth family had to me was simply biological and nothing more.

3) How do you explain the childs family history/family tree?
I consider my family's tree and history to be my family tree and history, as I consider them my true family.

4)Do you think being LDS changes your perspective on families or on adoption in general?
I'm sure that is probably the case, as we believe in families being together forever. In addition to that, my birth mother requested we be placed in an LDS home, and I did the same with my son. I think it is comforting knowing that an LDS home is so much more likely to be a good solid family home (though not always, I know) with good values and a lot of love.

5) Do you believe in destiny and that that child was meant to be in your family, or do you believe that life is more about choices and we choose our own destiny(with Gods help and guidance of course)?
I do believe in destiny and that a child ends up in the family he or she was meant to be in, although not always in the way we would want or think. I know my sister and I belong in our family. Who knows why we got there the way we did, but we did. My grandmother called my dad after receiving a message from the Holy Ghost saying "tell them to adopt twins." Then my dad told her how weird that was because they had just been offered twins even though they had been applying for one child.

WIth my baby I never really felt he was mine. I felt the entire pregnancy I was carrying him for someone else. Its hard to explain, but it was very strong. The day he was born I was really grieving terribly and my social worker called me and told me that the adoptive mother had just called out of the blue (not knowing they were being considered) and asked if everything was in order. When she was told it was and asked why she just said "I don't know, but I just have this feeling our baby is on the way." I can't tell you what that meant to me- it was like Heavenly Father was confirming to me that he was going to his true family and I felt such a lifting of my spirits. I think that is the one thing that has kept me from ever regretting my decision, was knowing that he was going where he was meant to go all along. And why through me? Perhaps I had some life lessons to learn through that experience. I am now 40 and have not had any other children so he may be my only one and I am more grateful then I can say to have had the experience even just the once, it was beautiful.

6) What do you think the birthmom/birthfamilies role should be in the childs life?
Personally, I guess I am from the old school. I don't believe open adoptions are a good idea for anyone. It keeps the bmother from getting closure and moving on and it seems like it would keep the child and aparents from truly bonding with that constant reminder of the bmother. I think its great to be able to meet later in life when the children are adults but I really don't feel very good about the open adoption fad that seems to have come into play. I have heard of stories where every year the mother and the child have to write a letter and it is just very stressful on both of them and that isn't fair. In my opinion I gave my son a family and he needed that to be his family without any interference or confusion from my presence in his life. (sorry that is one thing I guess I have rather strong feelings on,lol).

I'll have a bunch more questions but these are the ones I've been thinking of lately.

Any other questions feel free to fire away- you are welcome to PM me as well.