[kristenh2o]

Hi,
My name is kristen. My husband and I have been on the LDS list for almost a year now. We've had a couple of brith moms that we've have come in contact with. We just met our first birth mom yesterday. She e-mailed us friday night, we talked satureday and she wanted to see us Sunday. She has a 6 week old baby girl that she wants to place. So we met her and took her out to lunch. We have a five yr old son that we took with us because we thought she would want to meet the whole family. Anyways...it was weird sitting with the person and the baby being right there. The converstaion went fine. There was none of those awkward pauses..but she complained a lot about the birth father and the other adoptive families she had looked at. We really didn't feel this huge connection with her. Plus for a good part of the visit the baby was asleep. I guess my question is How do we take the awakwardness out of meeting the birth moms? And I'm I supposed the see the baby and "know" that this is my child or is that something that happens as time goes on the child becomes yours?

Thanks for any replies,
kristen

[SchmennaLeigh]

Do you mean meeting an expectant Mom? A woman isn't a birthmom until she signs the TPR.

How do you take the awkwardness out of meeting an expectant Mother?

Treat her the same way you would wish to be treated in such a situation. She is a human with emotions. She is a Mother with a bond and attachment to her child. She is in a situation that no woman, no Mother, ever plans to be in. Treat her with compassion. Treat her with respect. If you don't "click," you don't click. Sometimes you can't force a relationship, much like in other relationships with other people. Those are matches that may not be for you.

[aspenhall]

With the baby right there, that WOULD be odd....since she isn't expecting....

I'd treat her as a friend. I never had the WHAMMO realization. But the bmom did. And I trusted that. We clicked a little bit, but she has a lot of trauma in her past that it's hard to relate to. And she approaches life differently than we do. I felt a love and a protectiveness for her after a few emails...then we had a face to face visit. And I started to love her as a sister. You will need to be able to accept her as a part of your extended family, so if the "disconnect" is so bad, that you can't see her as family, then the match isn't right. Adoption is something like an arranged marriage of sorts...in a lot of ways....You need to have the feeling that you COULD have a relationship with her.....What counseling has she recieved? Treat her as you would your younger sister....which SHE IS...and you'll be just fine. My siblings are on a different path than I am and it's hard to relate to them, but not hard to CARE for them, If you know what I mean....

If this goes forward, it will be difficult to establish boundaries, since she has parented the baby for so long...you really need a neutral third party that can see both sides...Once a relationship is established, it won't be so hard. The awkwardness of the situation is being SO intimately involved in a stranger's life, and vice versa. It shouldn't have much to do with her wanting to place her baby. If I were you, I would discuss AT LENGTH the reasons why she wishes to place, make sure she has all possible resources available to her and that she is educated and informed as to what the decision to place will entail. The more informed she is, the easier it will be for her to cope with the grief. Some of my BEST friends are birthmoms. Some are in open relationships, some never even told anyone they were pg, and never saw the baby after it was born. All were committed to the decision and most have little residual grief because of this. Adoption shouldn't be a permanent solution to a short-term temporary problem. This being said, What she really needs right now is a friend that can support her no matter what.

And, make yourself aware of the best terms that are the least offensive. Words can be powerful, especially online. And, "Adoption" is a topic filled to bursting with emotions. Last of all, KNOW yourself, and your limitations. KNOW what you are willing to handle (after educating yourself thoroughly) and any situation that isn't in line with that, pass it by, refer to another waiting couple. I promise, if it isn't right, you WILL feel it in your gut.

[kristenh2o]

Thanks for the words of advice. I think we felt awkward because we had only been in contact with her sense Friday. So basically there was two e-mail, one phone call and she then wanted to see us right away. I think we were in a lot of shock. Everything felt surreal. With the more time we've had to think things through we realize that those "werid" feelings was because we just didn't know what to expect and I think we kinda expected to have the "heavens open" and say this is your birthmom. It's silly how we can make things into a fairytale in our minds. We do know that we could have a realtionship with this women. I actually had a lot of her same likes and dislikes. I just think it needs time. We haven't heard from her today so we'll see. I know it will work out if it's right.

Thanks again,
kristen

[Poleczech]

We are currently matched with an expectant mother, since the end of April, and she is due mid-June. We communicated almost daily by email and instant messenger for about a month before we met, and when we did, it was together with the agency counselor who acted as a facilitator. But when we actually met her in person, it was like seeing an old friend. Although our lives have taken very different paths, we came together because of a child that everyone wants only the best for. We have come to care a great deal for the expectant mother, and often, our conversations don't involve the baby she is carrying at all. We have found we have a great deal in common, such as the place where she grew up and I grew up where about 30 miles apart in a totally different state than either one of us live in currently. We also found out that she enjoys reading the same types of books as does DH, and in fact, he has his first novel coming out this fall. She expressed a great deal of enthusiasm and excitement about his upcoming book and she can't wait for it come out, and joked about getting an autographed copy. DH is planning on giving one to her when the book comes out.

So what is the point of my rambling??? If the situation is right, you will know it. We "clicked" even though our family backgrounds are as different as night and day. I don't know how to explain it. So if this is the right situation for you, I think you'll know it.

Best wishes,

[SanInUtah]

Hi,
My name is kristen. My husband and I have been on the LDS list for almost a year now. We've had a couple of brith moms that we've have come in contact with. We just met our first birth mom yesterday. She e-mailed us friday night, we talked satureday and she wanted to see us Sunday.

Wow.

She has a 6 week old baby girl that she wants to place. So we met her and took her out to lunch. We have a five yr old son that we took with us because we thought she would want to meet the whole family. Anyways...it was weird sitting with the person and the baby being right there.

Been there, with a family friend's daughter who still couldn't figure out whether or not she wanted to place her 8yo son. She wound up raising him and his life is a shambles. Anyway, it was a strange conversation!

The converstaion went fine. There was none of those awkward pauses..but she complained a lot about the birth father and the other adoptive families she had looked at.

I think that's pretty normal. I've worked with a couple of birthmoms who did the same.

We really didn't feel this huge connection with her. Plus for a good part of the visit the baby was asleep.

Recognizing them as strangers isn't wrong. In any other situation you'd never look for a connection.

I guess my question is How do we take the awakwardness out of meeting the birth moms?

I have no earthly clue. I will tell you that dealing with my son's first family has become easier as time has gone on. You'll have the same questions when dealing with your child's siblings and their adoptive families, if that applies. Also, and it's just semantics to us, birthmoms seem to appreciate being known as 'firstmoms', no matter how they refer to one another or themselves.

And I'm I supposed the see the baby and "know" that this is my child or is that something that happens as time goes on the child becomes yours?

Thanks for any replies,
kristen

Kristen, think of it as meeting your husband. You could have stepped on his foot and not thought twice about it.LOL If you passed a child as Sear's you wouldn't 'go there' in your mind. Let go of the doubts.

I had the same concerns and got a huge reality check four weeks into fost-adopt placement. I even called my family doctor about it...there was a HUGE hormone surge in me. I mean huge! I got strangely maternal, could identify his sounds and smells and moods. There was an instinct I couldn't explain. Doc said that biological mother's bond in the two days after delivery. Adoptive moms have the same physiological (sp?) response. It's how God protects his babies. Kids know when it's happening and will feel safe to bond with you. BTW, it happens to men too!

One piece of advice, and this is probably going to offend someone: I'd shield my 5yo son from every aspect of the adoptive process until the situation warrants clueing him in to your plans. You wouldn't announce that you are trying to conceive a second child to a 5yo. Know what I mean?.

You had concerns about this woman's tone and comments. I bet your brilliant little guy did too. Take pictures in a small album instead of your son, next time. Keep in mind that he can read you like a comic book; he's gonna be listening to every word said by everyone. Even if he never mentions it, he'll find a way to rationalize the significance you've shown that converstaion/person.

I'd love to hear from other families about how they dealt with the fears of older kids when they were looking into adding to their families. My son was adopted at age 8, fost-adopt, so we have concerns about even allowing a social worker into our home again.

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by SanInUtah

One piece of advice, and this is probably going to offend someone: I'd shield my 5yo son from every aspect of the adoptive process until the situation warrants clueing him in to your plans. You wouldn't announce that you are trying to conceive a second child to a 5yo. Know what I mean?.

I would second that Sam...sheild his little heart.

[scarlet1]

I hope you don't mind if I jump in here but just wanted to say. I am a birth mom. Put yourself in there shoes, It feel very weird for them as well.
The Mom's afraid your going to look down on them that maybe you will think they really didn't want the baby.
I know I love my son I gave up for adoption and there's not a day that goes by I don't think of him and wonder how he is if he married happy Still LDS. I know that giving him up was the hardest thing I have done in my life. Yet having prayed about it I know it was the right thing to do.
What we as birth moms want to know is will you love them will you support there feelings when asked about adoption good and bad be good to them. Not say evil things about there birth mom. Let them know this was a very hard thing to do like having a piece of your soul ripped from you. That birth moms never forget. That when there birthday rolls around we cry little for these children. We also pray that we gave our greatest gift to the right person, that will remember that when sometimes the kid messes up.Love them even more.

These are some of the things you can discuss with the birth mom let her know that you are on her side.

Thank you for wanting to adopt

[Peace.]

Hi scarlet1 just had to say that your reply was exatly what an adoptee wants to hear. I just happened to read this at the right time for it to enlighten my day

[scarlet1]

Thanks for the nice comment I hope when I meet my son someday he will feel like you do.
Boys don't search as much as girls . The birthfather my son has contacted me this last year and come to meet with me and My husband . It was nice to know he also felt a lot of quilt about not marrying me.That he to till this day wonders where in the world is his only son that he gave away. He took responsibilty for his actions

He only had a dear daughter by his wife. I only had one others son by my current husband We were told we would not have any children. We were very worried that because I gave up one child the likeleyhood of adopting would be Nil so we were lucky I had the one other child.
I always felt God blessed me with another son because I had to give up my birth son to God Via adoption, because he my birthson never really did not belong to me spirtual ever .