[feelingconfused]

I'll try to make this short. I am looking for my husbands biological mother. I've tried all the avenues and the best lead we have is posted on this website. We tried to contact this possible person for the first time in August 2007...no reply. So we gave it some time and now I've sent her a birthday card this November still no reply. We have her phone number and we know where she lives it's about 2 1/2 hours from us and only about two blocks from one of my husbands relatives. So my question is why won't she reply? She is our only lead and all we want to know is if she found the son she is searching for and if not if she would be interested in finding out if my husband is that person.


Thanks for listing

[SoniaRose]

You have been extraordinarily patient! How can you be sure she ever received the letter or card? If I were you, I think I would call her. Or maybe you could find a third party to make the phone call -- just to ask if she received the letters. You cannot correctly assume that she is ignoring or rejecting your husband when you don't even know if she got the letters. (Does she live alone?) And if your husband is not a match to the son she relinquished, she should provide you that answer. In my opinion, someone needs to contact her directly. Good luck whatever you decide.

[feelingconfused]

Thanks for your encouragement, but we are not comfortable just cold calling her. She is married and has 2 grown children who do not live with her. As far as a third party calling we have not shared with anyone that we are looking so we don't have a third party.

I'm just trying to understand what she must be going through to not respond. 1) If she found her son you think she would not want us to be dangling out here. 2) If not and she is looking I don't understand a year and a half of waiting.

Thanks anyway for your words of encouragement.

[SoniaRose]

Maybe you could confide in a friend or co-worker, and that person could call and speak directly to the woman, starting off asking if she remembers receiving a letter because the senders are concerned because they have not yet had a response. That way she wouldn't be as intimidated because she wouldn't be speaking directly to you or your husband. You deserve an answer.

Perhaps her husband intercepted the letter/card you sent -- sometimes spouses open each other's mail. There is also a remote possibility that the letter never reached her home -- the post office sometimes does make a mistake. I get a neighbor's mail in my box every now and then, and I recently mailed something that unexplainably took several weeks to arrive.

I don't know how you can be so patient -- you've been waiting for a response for over a year. When I first sent a letter to my older half-sis (my bmom is deceased), I was a nervous wreck waiting for her response (about 3 weeks later) -- every possible emotion was going through my head -- she wasn't as friendly as I would have liked, but I was so thankful that she did call. Nothing is worse than being in limbo. If she is not responding anyway, what do you have to lose? And if you find out she is not your husband's bmom, then you can move forward with your search.

[feelingconfused]

I do understand the mailing could get lost but I don't believe that would happen twice.

I know my husband could never call, so I guess that would leave me. How would I even start the conversation? Do you think that if she got the letters, which the last one included a copy of the posting she has on this website that shows her address and phone number she must be expecting a phone call.....or maybe not.

Well thanks again for the reply, I will keep working on the courage to call her.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

[SoniaRose]

I wish someone else would respond and offer some other advice. If I were you, I would call her sometime in mid-January. I would just say my name, apologize for interrupting her, say I'm calling in behalf of someone else, and then ask if she had received the letters that were sent to her.

I am normally a very timid person, but I had to gather the courage to call my half-sister a couple months ago (my story is posted elsewhere -- my bmom is deceased, and I have been trying to gain some acceptance from my bmom's older daughter). My half-sis had promised to send me a picture of my bmom last spring, so after months of waiting, I had to do something -- so I called. I didn't want to call -- I was terrified -- but I forced myself to sit down and dial the number. I ended up leaving a message (twice), and got really depressed when she never called back. Then, a few weeks later, a package arrived in the mail with the pictures.

I felt I had a reason to call since she hadn't sent the pictures, and you also have a very good reason since you do deserve an answer one way or another. You cannot be absolutely sure that she herself actually opened and read the letters until you talk to her. As I suggested before, perhaps her husband opened the letters and didn't want to tell her.

I personally don't see what else you can do. You will have to be prepared what to say if you reach an answering machine or her husband, and if you hang up, they might see your number if they have caller-id. I'm not sure if your home number shows up if you use a calling card? These are the reasons that I personally hate making phone calls.

But what do you have to lose, and what is the worst that can happen?

So far you have done everything right. It's good that you are there to support your husband because it really hurts for an adoptee to feel rejected all over again. Hopefully the New Year will bring both of you some answers and peace.