[geogdeb]

Thanks for all of the replies. I am not ruling out anywhere right now. I am starting with Maine because it has a death register online and I know that the a-mother's father (who worked at a shipyard) died at the age of 50. I now have a list of all the men in ME that died at the age of 50 and where they lived when they died. I ruled out the areas that were too far inland and am concentrating on coastal areas. A search angel is helping me by looking at obituaries. I also have libraries sending me some obits. According to the ages of the a-mother and her parents, she should've been married when her father died... which means maybe her married name will be in the obit.

It is like solving a mystery. It is confusing and frustrating, but I now have something to do! I am actively searching instead of just checking the forums now and then.

Thank you all for your support. I will continue to keep you updated! Please keep me updated in your searches.

Paige... reread your information and look for clues. You never know what might be important!

Debbie

[deblucas]

Hi all.
I've just read all of these postings and began to cry. I was always hopeful that my son will be able to find me - in fact, my LDSSS case worker told me that all I have to do is contact them when my son is of age and they will handle the reunion - is this a crock of sh*t? I guess I am lucky in the fact that Oregon (his birthplace) has the ability for adoptees to get original birth certificates when they are 18.
I had a baby in 1988 and was forced by my mom and church leaders to give the baby up - in fact, I found out years later that the adoption was illegal and I could have sued. But at that point my son was 5 or 6 years old and it would have traumatized him so I left him alone.
One year ago on his birthday, July 27th - my son found his way to this site and sent me a message. Unfortunately, the LDS Social Services caught wind of it and contacted his parents and they stopped the contact.
He just turned 17 and I hope in a year he does find me. I look at every teenage boy and wonder if it's him.
Goodluck to all of you going through the same thing as I am. I wish you all the best and will keep you in my thoughts.
Debbie

[lindamccrea]

Debbie, How did you find out your son tried to contact you? I have the utmost confidence that you will find each other when he turns 18. Obviously he is interested in contact. I am sorry for the circumstances regarding the adoption. I hope you take the time you know you have to wait to learn as much about reunion as you can so you can work on your relationship with him when the time is right. He will be young but you know he is going to be willing. What a blessing. I'm so glad for you.

[deblucas]

Hi - I was told by the State of Oregon that he had made an inquiry into his birth certificate and in Oregon with his adoptive parents' signatures he can get his real birth certificate at any time. But his parents must have changed their minds because when the LDSSS case worker contacted them, they said that they were not interested in a reunion at this time. The whole thing confused me and broke my heart - it was gutwrenching to think that this case worker knew my son's phone number and spoke to his parents - I was so close and yet so far away. So, now I sit back and wait.....

[sarahbelle]

Hi! im 18 and have been searching this site for help finding my mom/dad. Ive had some frustrating experiances too, but you have to have faith! with faith you can move mountains! please don't give up! ive been searching for 5 months and am frustrated! but i wont give up!

[geogdeb]

Hi Debbie,

I am a Debbie also! It really sounds like your son will try and find you eventually. So far I don't have that hope at all. I do have a friend who is trying to help me find information -- but it is slow going. At least you have an idea of where he is. I don't even know for sure what state my son was adopted in. If there is anyway I can help you let me know. The problem I have run into is a lack of any helpful information as far as policy is concerned.

Sarahbelle, as far as faith is concerned, it is hard to have faith when the leaders of your faith deceived you and continue to prevent any kind of reunion.

[Jari]

Could you give me the information on the person you are recommending? I am interested in getting help as I have been looking for my daughter for 15 years. I have left information with LDSSS, registered with the national agency out of Nevada, watched this site--no luck. I am not bitter with LDSSS, as I understand their goals and that was what I wanted for my daughter and felt I did what was best for her. I truly feel a single mother can not give the security and love that a well grounded set of parents can. I don't understand all the anger expressed by women who made a good choice after their own bad choice in the first place. It isn't the agency's fault that the mother got pregnant out of wedlock. They are there to help join anxious adoptive couples and baby's without a decent start in life. I wasn't cooerced in any way. I would sure like to know her, but wouldn't want to threaten her well being in any way. Jari

[geogdeb]

Jari,

I don't know quite what you are asking. I am not recommending anyone. The friend that is helping me is not a professional -- she is just a friend.

As to your obvious confusion as to why some of us are upset with LDSSS, let me fill you in.

First of all and most importantly, I was never really given another choice. No one talked to me about the option of keeping my baby. I was made to believe exactly the nonsense you are spouting -- that I had sinned and therefore should make things right according to the church and society. I now happen to believe in reality. Teenagers are likely to have sex before marriage. That does not make them bad people or bad parents!!! However, I agree that it usually isn't the ideal situation for starting a family. Maybe sex education should play a bigger role in society (not just birth control, but reasons for abstinence also -- besides going to hell). It is interesting that the mormon faith exalts motherhood -- but only for some mothers. If you are a single mother -- you are a sinner and a pariah. And what about the fathers? The church (and society) has a history of being much harder on women who are sexually active outside of marriage than they do men.

Secondly, LDSSS not only played the guilt card, they also blatantley lied to me about the likelihood of a reunion. They told me I could meet my soon when he turned 18. That was a lie. I was also given no legal counsel. And the social worker counselors at LDSSS were there not to counsel and help me, but to find a baby for adoptive parents. They never talked to me about the grief I would feel after the adoption. As a matter of fact, the only thing they talked to me about was how much better off the baby would be without me. I spent 20 + years denying the grief that came from losing my son and I am dealing with it now.

I also have an issue with your statement "I truly feel a single mother can not give the security and love that a well grounded set of parents can." My mother was divorced when I was very young. My father was a "good mormon man" and virtually ignored his first three daughters all his life while he went on to have another temple marriage (even though he had committed adultry) and family. My mother is by far the best parent I have ever known. She raised 3 girls by herself who are succesfull and happy in life. She taught me tolerance and love for my fellow human-beings, while my father was (and still is) the perfect example of a bigot. My mother is still LDS and I am sure she feels like you do about LDSSS and my experience. But she wasn't with me. They separated me from my mother and sent me hundreds of miles away to give birth. And because we were good members of the church, we thought it was best. I know myself. I would've been a fine parent to my son. However, maybe it wasn't the right time. Maybe he is better off -- I sure hope so. But I wasn't really given the choice. That is where my bitterness comes from.

On the positive side, I do know that lots of things have changed since I relinguished my son in 1979. LDSSS is much more careful about counseling and sometimes they allow open or semi-open adoptions.

I wish I could help you find your daughter. Have you gotten non-identifying information about the adoptive parents from LDSSS? That might give you some clues. Otherwise, besides leaving information with LDSSS and with the state of Nevada, the only advice I have is to hire a private investigator. That might be my next step.

I hope I haven't made you angry with this response. I understand your view and I am not against adoption. I am however, against the permanently sealed records and the idea that birthparents and adoptees should not know about each other. I am also against for-profitt adoptions and the idea that single mothers make bad parents just because they are single.

Good Luck in your search. Remember, you deserve to know who your daughter is and how she is. You can do that without interferring with her life or forcing her to have a relationship with you.

Debbie

[jfrost]

My god ! you've said everything I have felt or experienced with ldsss, it's all true and identical to what I experienced. Sweep it under the carpet as fast as you can and silence all involved--to them they don't want any leaks in their system and the faster they sweep it away-the better, regardless of truth or justice...keep it up and good luck to you....

[deblucas]

Debbie,
AMEN!!! AMEN!!! AMEN!!!
It's like you and I had the same life!
My mom raised me alone with my sister - and my father turned his back on us. My mom was looked down upon by the Mormon church - I mean, she must have done something to make her husband leave her!!!
I was also lied to by LDSSS - I was told the minute he turned 18, they would organize a reunion.
I was forced by my Bishop and my mother and by LDSSS to give up my baby. I found out afterward that they had security try to kick the birth father out of the hospital because he was there to exercise his parental rights. It was only after I threw a fit and he agreed not to do anything that they let him in to the room to say goodbye.
They also had me sign my paperwork while I was still under the affects of all the medicine they pumped into me while I was giving birth.
And the list goes on and on and on....
Thank you Debbie for eloquently expressing the common feelings and experiences we have had with LDSSS.
Here's hoping we both find our children....
Debbie

[geogdeb]

Hi Everyone,

I just thought I would update everyone on my search... which is pretty much going no where. I had contact with someone on this forum who suggested that I try and go to Georgia vital records to look at the birth certificates of babies born on much sons birthday --- and maybe find the amended birth certificate. Unfortunately, the state of Georgia will not allow me to do that, but some states will. Anyway, this just opened up another two days of phone calls and fruitless searching. I have learned a few things though:
1) Although a child born in Georgia and adopted in another state since the early 1990s will have an amended birth certificate from Georgia, before the 1990s, the amended b.c. could be either in Georgia or in the state the adoption was finalized in. Meaning that the child could have an original b.c. in a totally different state and never know it. In other words, my son may not even know what state he was born in!!!
2) LDSSS will do not budge an inch. They will not tell me what state he was adopted in, which I believe is morally and ethically wrong, if not illegal. Because they will not tell me, I am denied due process. I cannot petition the courts to open the records because I don't know what court to petition!!!
3) There are many state employees in Georgia and in the New England states where I am looking that are very helpful, friendly and sympathetic. However, even though they working in the "adoption industry" they don't know very much about adoption. Very few people I have talked to can tell me how to go about finding out where he was adopted even though they work with interstate adoptions! This amazes me.
4) The one positive thing that did happen was that the Georgia Adoption Reunion Registry is going to request my son's original and amended (if it exists in Georgia) birth certificates. They are hoping that if the amended b.c. is not on file that there will be a note stating in which state the amended b.c. is filed.

I know this is long, but yesterday I just broke down. I can't stand not knowing. I have been actively searching for almost two years now, and have had a consent to contact form in since my son turned 18. When I learned he had to be 21 to contact me, I waited patiently -- expecting him to contact me as soon as he could. My heart aches more every day. I have to know if he is alive and if he has had a good life. It is literally killing me! My thanks to all of you for contributing to this forum and others. I think being able to express myself to a sympathetic audience helps me from losing it altogether. I hope that I can help you also.

Deb
ISO Son 08/15/1979 Decatur, GA -- Adoption finalized in New England?

[lindamccrea]

Deb, What makes you think your baby was adopted in New England? I'm sure you probably posted it someplace, I haven't seen it. I understand your frustration. I am a birthmother of an LDS adoption as well. They have not record of me so I have no idea whether my birthdaughter was adopted in a state other than UT where she was born. So far no hint on how to find out either. 100 years before UT opens sealed records. AAARRGH!!! Linda Mc

[geogdeb]

Hi Linda,

The woman I lived with when I was pregnant was a volunteer at LDSSS. She also is an adoptee who searched for and found her birth mother. She does not know exactly where my son went, but she said that she remembers it was in New England, which you know is unusual because there aren't as many church members out there. The non-identifying information supports New England because the adoptive maternal grandfather worked for a shipyard.

I sure wish I knew of a way to help you. I will PM you and give you the number and name of the women in charge of the adoption records in SLC if that will help you. Let me know and I will send it.

Good Luck,

Deb

[lindamccrea]

Thanks Deb, I would appreciate help from anyone willing. Linda Mc

[jfrost]

Well finally heard from lds social services they said my daughter has not put in for consent to contact, and I heard nothing about my non id info.
So when I inquired about my non id info, they said they had no application on file and so I've been waiting all this time for nothing. Now I go into a office and pay my 50.00 dollars and 7 months later nothing! Not only just nothing they still have no records of the last time I applied. "looks like application didn't make it to slc"
so the person personnally guaranteed he will expedite the application this time. Wwe shall see.
Folks you know by LAW they are required to give that info to us!!!!! I say it's time for a class action lawsuit
I have heard of this happening to often and to too many people! What say You!