[Scrapgirl3]

I know ultimately any decision we make is ours to make, but sometimes it just helps to bounce ideas off others, especially ones who aren't directly involved....
We are a family of 5- My husband and I, and twin daughters who are 8 and a 4 year old son, all biological children. I am unable to have any more children due to a medically necessary hysterectomy when I had my son. I consider myself lucky to have 3 wonderful children and never want to forget how lucky I am, however we don't feel our family is complete yet. We have really been researching the Korea program over the past several months and I really am drawn to this program for many reasons, probably the same as all of you. I have some concerns, though, about adoption in general. I sometimes read on blogs, web pages, etc... that some of the adopted children do not feel happy with their families, don't feel like they belong, feel like outsiders. I would be so crushed to have that happen to our child. I would feel as if I failed as a parent and I would feel so sad for that child. On the other hand, I feel I may have a good situation for Korea as my sister in law is Korean and we are close with her and her parents who came directly from Korea and speak the language, celebrate the holidays, eat the food, etc... Any children my brother and sister in law have will be half Korean so if we were to adopt a child from Korea, they will be around family members that are Korean a lot. I would hope they wouldn't feel as isolated as a child with no ties to the Korean community. I just wanted to see what people thought about that, and if we are being selfish, wanting to adopt a child when we have 3 children already. I am anxious to read any opinions you have- good or bad. Maybe I'm just overthinking this..... Thanks!

[mama.2.seven.kiddos.]

While i do ultimatley believe that the desicion is up to you and what your family feels is right, i can offer some guidance. I do not think it is selfish to want another child, remember that there is a HUGE number of children who need homes all around the world, so you are not stealing the opportunity from a family who has for example no children. As you can see from my siggie we were blessed with quads through IVF before we started the adoption journey. I feel blessed to have ALL of my children but i feel the they are all MINE and always were, it was God's plan from the start. I am personally very religious, i dont know your religious situation, but i believe that God has a plan for everyone and his plan is perfect so i would advise you to pray on it, if you feel that God is telling you your child is in Korea, i would pursue the adoption.

As far as the child growing up as an "outsider" that can happen in any adoption situation. If you are referring to the child being the only asian in the family, i do not think this will be a problem if you are able to not obsess over it to the point of causing the child to feel uncomfortable with it. Our adopted children have lifebooks just like our bio kids have baby books and from time to time we read them the story of ______ (insert child's name there).

Hope this helped.

[cara620]

Adopt. It is that simple. Kids need homes. You have a great situation to nuture a Korean childs cultral development, without having to even try very hard. So to me it is a no-brainer. You want more kid/s and there are kids that need homes. Adopt. You have nothing to feel guilty about at all. We have 2 bios, 1 boy and 1 girl...lots of people did not "get" why we would adopt when we have one of each. But like you our family was not complete (probably still isn't) , adopting is always something we felt was right for our family. And I can tell you now it is one of the best things we have ever done. Hope was always meant to be our daugher, there is no doubt in my mind/heart. To me the most important thing you need to have it you are going to adopt is a desire to parent a/another child, you have that. Go for it!

[hopeful2adopt]

I have to agree with the posters above. In general, I believe you need to do what makes your heart happy and if adoption will do that, then there's no need to overthink it, just do it. I can speak from my own experience that it has been one of the very best things I have ever done in my life.

Also, there's a lot of negativity you can read about adoption on the internet. Always remember that whatever you read, read with a grain of salt. When I read negative types of things I remind myself that those stories belong to the people that write them and doesn't necessarily mean my own story will be anything like that. It's good to be aware of potential problems, but don't dwell on them. Try to enjoy the process and more importantly your child.

Best wishes on your journey.

[tinkerbell11599]

One thing that I learned is to remember the child's First Mom. While you might be happy on your child's birthday, a woman half a world away is not. She lost a big part of herself. We adopted 3 from Korea who are biological siblings of each other...rare but it does happen. My thoughts are always with their First Mom during the week of their birthdays. How much pain must she be going through, does she have the emotional support that she needs right now, and so much more.

My two oldest know that they have the same First Mom and know that their younger sister does as well.

There are so many other losses too when you adopt internationally. Losses of the First Mom, loss of language, loss of culture and that is just for your kids!! Then take into consideration the losses that the First Mom endures (loss of her child(ren)--of seeing them, holding them, kissing them, hugging them, etc).

We incorporate Korea into our home...I make and eat Korean food for the kids just because I want to make and eat it or they want it, I make sure there is Korean food for their birthdays, I have Korean stuff hanging up in the home and not just in the kids rooms, we listen to Korean children's music and watch Korean children's videos just like I would listen and/or watch Wiggles or Sesame Street. I dress the kids up in their Hanboks for their birthdays and on Buddha's birthday and take pictures. We have Korean drums they play with and Korean books. We have magnetic Hangul letters up on our door as well as our English ones. We know how to sing London Bridges in Korean and are working on Head Shoulders Knees and Toes. Our kids also attend Korean Cultural Camp.

When the kids were home coming from Korea in the 50s-80s the agencies were telling parents not to incorporate Korean culture which would help with the kids' identity. Now they are saying to do that. This could be why you might be seeing some negativity. Also from the adoptee standpoint, they don't have the access to information like you can have here with open adoptions here in the US. Even my cousin who was adopted in the 60s found his First parents and has a relationship with them both.

Yes it is ultimately your decision, but you also should have information that some of the adoption agencies don't give you before you adopt as well.

Good luck with your decision and keep us posted.

Jen